ulian today (when i need you)

come with me if you're grieving over love.

[breakapromise]

does it make sense to you that i am terrified of what is to come, despite being a source of encouragement and bravery from those i hold in my arms?

would you listen to my symphony, albeit ear-shattering and not worth the tickets you paid for entrance to the theatre?

would you read the columns i hid in the attic, dozens of write-ups dating back from years of service i buried beneath thick facades---sturdy yet simply for show?

or would you turn the other cheek and pretend i didn't say a word? that though you understood, you simply have no patience to deal with me tonight? that even though the sea was not kind to me on my nights of travel, the waves always have a tendency to be so strong, so i must not fret. i must remember that these things happen a lot. that you almost died by a bigger wave that towered over your vessel.

why do you feel so distant the closer i get to you?

everything feels heavy tonight.

i feel nothing, and yet simultaneously feel anxious about the future i might have brought by the actions of my past. and no matter how many anecdotes i write about the past, the present, and the future, there always seems to be a loophole wherein i can be stuck in between all three at the exact same time. and like always, i still don't know what to feel about it.

this is only for tonight. it should be heavy but only for tonight.

only. tonight.

[breakapromise]

i feel like the kid i was six years ago, so excited at the first ever novel they wrote. this one’s probably the seventh out of the hundred dozen more unfinished drafts haha. so uh, (🍷🍾🥂), here’s looking at you kid? : ))

UNRAVELLED - Sunday, 6th of September (on Wattpad)              Loreen Ominaba was perfectly content being the quiet girl, going through each day unnoticed. Until one day, Derres Manier came out of his quiet kid shell and claimed his spotlight out of nowhere, causing a chain effect that turned on the spotlight for every other quiet kid in school and now everyone else is interested in them too. Now, Loreen hates the guy who unknowingly broke her peaceful routine and has started on a mission to escape social scenes as slick as she used to without Derres getting in her way. Can Derres give her the peace back or will Loreen have to keep avoiding the attention forever?

[breakapromise]

I have a friend who's been struggling with love. Reasonably so, he's been in this dillemma for over a year. Recently, we've been talking about it a lot—how much he admires her, how deep his affections have gotten, and how she inadvertently sends him mixed signals (although the last part could just be us overthinking it). He then asked me, what would I do if I was in his position? What would I think? How would I feel? I realised then that my advice for other people versus what I would actually do are not the same.

Oh, what a hypocrite.

But next time, please don't ask me for advice, for I will willingly sacrifice my life if it means you get to live yours. Please don't ask me what I would feel, for I myself wouldn't mind it unless you say that my feelings begin to bother you. Do not attempt to ask that I put myself in your shoes, for in love, I am a masochist. And in front of you, I would become a hypocrite.

I would love nothing more than to get stabbed by the thorns of the magnificent rose that you are, knowing that all this blood on my hands are at the cost of giving you the love i know you deserve to receive. Never mind the fact that I don't get it back. You're what matters to me... not me.

So please don't ask me what I would do. Because as long as it's for you, there's nothing I wouldn't choose to do.

All this ran through my head in the two seconds that I paused to think about my answer. I just smiled at him and instead said, "it's different for me."

written by @breakapromise with forty-five minutes past the seventh hour of the twentieth day on april in the year two thousand and twenty-four.

[breakapromise]

today, i have had the pleasure of reading a piece crafted by a friend of mine. she wrote of a love so dear yet forbidden by construct of society—to love and be loved by a woman. i was not a target, and yet i could not be saved from the tears it triggered and the feelings it evoked out of me.

her words bled onto my skin and mine were simply sucked out.

i came to remember all the works i've written in the past couple years, each dedicated for a different person from the last. and i thought to myself, what truly is the purpose of a writer? to create art in the name of their muse? to immortalise their existence through the careful practise of weaving words? or is it to simply to be the one that transcribes the lives of people who can't do it for themselves?

i am nothing if not for those who came before me. and i could not have the strength to write again if no one had inflicted pain upon me or have allowed me to show love like i have never done before. but if i am only there for a brief moment, enough to harness the power to wield a pen and inscribe words on paper, where am i to go the second it is gone?

am i not a writer if i cannot bring myself to love another soul? for in these caves i built for myself are spells of protection that keep me from the heartbreak i so greatly fear.

but i am not a lover, how am i to write again?

twenty-four minutes past the first hour on the fifteenth day of april in the year two thousand twenty four. this used to be ulian, but now i just go by @breakapromise.

[breakapromise]

i availed youtube premium today. and the first thing i played was my "that break-up rage" playlist.

to be honest, i don't know where i'm going with this. it's kinda hard to focus on the good stuff when it's always been easier for me to dwell in the bad and the not-so-bad-but-still-not-good stuff. i'm not even sure if things can turn out well this year.

all i can do is hope.

hope that maybe one day, the stuff i deal with become good. and the playlists i listen to are positive ones. hope that i can truly see that every day is the actual *right time* and that it's never too late to go for something i really want.

i'm done feeling sorry for myself. i quit holding my emotions back for someone else's comfort.

i hate to be of inconvenience to anyone because i'm trying to become something more than i am right now. but i'd hate it more if i just put this off for a "better time" and let the opportunities pass me by like i don't matter enough to deserve it.

[breakapromise]

i detest the fact that i vowed to always be waiting for you. and despite your knowledge of this, you continue to do the very things that once pulled me away from you.

yet again, i have yet to learn the full story behind your hilarious ways. it may not be in an attempt to make a fool out of me or for the mere gain of a crowd's simultaneous laughter of approval. still, i draw the line here. and unless you take the time to recognise what it means, i shall not cross it for you anymore.

[breakapromise]

— a record of silence

from the pages

of ulian abyssenia —

there's a certain kind of a loneliness that i cannot recognise, and it surrounds the evening breeze tonight. whether i put my finger or my entire head into it, i find no clear answer to this unsolvable mystery. years of wondering has led me to places not many people of my age has gone. yet the accounts of my travels shall never be made known to man, or woman, of the world outside my home. for only in my mind can it truly be appreciated, valued for and protected.

the cold tiles receive the heaviness of my shoulders, as i lay down in desolation and surrender my loot of thoughts to the aluminum ceiling. many times, i've been asked not to do this and yet more times than i was told have i done it already. there is no escape to gentle rebellion itself. if it wants to lock you in, it will do so with a respectful threat. so i lay here, on the oddly comforting kitchen floor, willing for something—other than chores and responsibilities—to pull me up again and breathe me back to life.

until now, i am void of clarity for the things i sought guidance for.

those i thought as my refuge flowered into reasons for wariness and would one day fruit a golden ticket to realising my worst fears.

i shan't deny the coming of such prophesied days. however, what is one to do when the significance of all these have yet to spring true?

lenses of my audience's glasses have fogged more often than i desire. nonetheless, i let it pass and never mind it as they all have gone so far. that and for even with a magnifying glass, the average person cannot fathom the meaning behind my poetry. nor a scientist with a microscope can identify what is wrong with me. but am i wrong to hope that another poet would come find me and swoop me in my feet with the analogies they've written only for me?

there's a certain kind of loneliness i cannot recognise, and tonight? i see them evidently in my eyes.

forty minutes past the twentieth hour in the twentieth day of the fourth month in year two thousand and twenty-three

[breakapromise]

i feel undervalued.

i know i am important on my own. but am i important enough to call your own? i know i am worthy and that i deserve someone good. but am i worthy enough to deserve you? i do not know where i stand. but for once, i will not care to ask. i shall sit here in silence awaiting your direct response to words i have not spoken out loud. i am not asking you to be a mind reader, but i trust you know well enough to know that i am hurting inside. and the only aid would be your warm words and soft touch.

crying at twenty-six minutes past the eighth hour of the twelfth of april, year two thousand twenty-three.

[breakapromise]

ulian questions writing

if i write one more word, how sure can i be that it will sound as truthful as i intend it to be? if i tell one more story, how sure can i be that someone will still find it amusing?

the more i write, the more i lose my way. and instead of creating a time capsule as evidence for my existence here in the mortal world, i find myself repeatedly reliving my worst experiences and writing about the pain tenfold more than it initially was. sometimes, the words on the screen resonate with my soul just fine. but in other cases, it feels like i just highlighted the things i never wanted to remember ever again.

why does it feel like i am only continuously torturing myself in the light of self-reflection? i dare to discover more parts of myself, only to yet again get lost in an eternal abyss of misconceptions. one moment, everything is clear. then i turn to one side. suddenly the clouds are turning dark and the dark is closing in. i am a child, crying about the ice cream fell of the top of my cone.

maybe i’m meant to lose myself over and over again. maybe writing isn’t my true salvation. but maybe it is and i’m only feeling lost at a time like this. i have no sure answer. i have yet to reach the end of my chapter. frankly, i don’t even know if we’ve already began.

this was ulian abyssenia at forty-one minutes past the fifteenth hour in the eighth of april, year two thousand twenty-three

[breakapromise]

ulian asks "can it happen now?"

that one fateful day, the one when i will supposedly meet my "one and only"--can it happen now?

can it happen now while i'm still brave? can it happen now while i'm still hopeful? while i still have a hold of my sanity? while i'm still considerably normal?

what if it happens when i'm at my lowest moment, or at a time where i want nothing to do with people? and because i would be so hostile at that point, i manage to push away the one person who was trying to show me that they cared? what if i screw up my chances then?

i don't want to have another point in my life where i regret hitting rock bottom. and that because of that, i missed the signals that were meant for me and only me in the first place.

so please... can it happen now?

[breakapromise]

ulian asks for your hand

it shouldn't be this hard. being happy shouldn't feel like a hard task. finding love shouldn't feel like such a difficult quest to begin with. and having both when you're alone should be a package deal that i should be still striving for until today.

the truth is being demanded and the truth shall come out are these curses? wishes granted? or are these mere layers of doubt?

am i weathering another mood? am i hounding another dream? is this leading to something good? is it really what it seems?

i draw my power from you you who loves, you who cares i extract courage from you you who stay, you who shares

in your weakness comes my strength in your smile comes my pure joy your safety is in my arms' length your comfort, no one shall ever destroy

i have been afraid, so very afraid trying again was never a chance but hopeful energy, to me, cascades so i may one day ask "may i have this dance?"

i have failed to stick to my plan there is no delight in a lonely den my heart longs for a woman or man someone who adores my worn-down pen

darling, i know, i might sound funny when i speak about love, all is hazy sometimes, i am but a funny old man whispering words of wise but an empty can

if i take your hand in mine i could no longer hold promises but i know we'll be fine so long as we have trust and patience

i do not wish for a perfect relationship only one that's here for long and stays true this time, i won't be gone in a blip and i pray for divine guidance for us two

see, it really shouldn't be hard. being happy shouldn't feel like such a hard task. life should not be full of high risks. but tonight, i accept the hard, the tasks and the risks. i take them all. and i, i will take your hand too.

[breakapromise]

ulian asks "do you miss being in love?"

i could lie. i could tell you i'm doing just fine on my own. that i don't need romance anymore and that i'm feeling great now that i'm single versus to my in-a-relationship days. i could go on, tell you how much i've improved since my break-up. inspire you with all the thing i've learned after brutally dismantling each puzzle piece of my life and studying the rationale behind each one.

i could fool you all a thousand times that i've never been better and you would believe it every single god damn time.

so i'm not gonna lie any more than i already did... i miss being in love.

[breakapromise]

auvillon ardaethus & ulian abyssenia present “the incurable heart”

the days glaze by as normal as ever not a taint in the wind nor a hint of thunder yet in my heart, a storm begins to plunder something swirls within and i cannot hold order

simple for them yet it's immeasurable, i feel the mask that's surfaced i tried hard to reel the enchantment of pain under dimmed skies embracing my frail and fragile heart that cries

honey, oh honey, why must this be? how on earth did we set it free? years upon years of building a fortress so strong and grand yet here we stand—i stand—in the rubbles of a wasteland

with all that's left are the ashes of past glances cannot help myself but look at wasted chances voicing litanies my lips shrieked in frustration out into the vastness of despair i called ‘depression’

depression, depression —it is depression! along comes my regrets and my darkening vision but the aggression, oh the devastation how might i face one more day as i push further into suppression?

hah... this weakened heart is the core or my problem i loathe how it kept humming our love's anthem! this part of me where we cut our cord of red it made me fall ill, bathing the blood i shed

less and less do i wonder whens the end of the grief, the struggle, oh how my hope has fallen still, the days glaze by as normal as ever and i await the cure to an incurable heart of a lover — — — signed, auvillon and ulian sixth of april '23

[breakapromise]

ulian says "i'm tired"

i'm tired.

but not tired enough. i want to fall in love again. i want to go head over heels over one single person again and give them everything i've got. i want to sacrifice my schedule just to have more time spent with you. i want to have someone say that i'm theirs and i'll willingly say "yours and yours alone". i want to fall back into the sweet slumber of honeysuckling love. and wake up to mornings filled with buttered toasts and coffee beside you. i want to have you. i want you.

i'm tired. but i want to not be tired just for you.

[breakapromise]

ulian says "i miss you"

i passed by your place today and saw the remnants of your last celebration two weeks ago. i recall that i was the first to greet you that time. and now i find that i had a special mention in your speech when you stood to make a toast.

the way you spoke about me, it held so much adoration and unspoken yet very loud care. your words felt like warm caresses across my cold heart. and all of a sudden, i remember what it was like to love you.

i remember having a smile on my face because i was able to put a smile on yours. i remember my heart at peace because i got to hear your voice in the middle of my stressful day. i remember the nights i held back from saying "i love you" even though my feelings were overflowing by then due to the conversation we had that night.

i remember so much. i remember you.

i remember how hard it was for us whenever we had problems too. whether it was our own issues or something that we disagreed on but never addressed.

i remember how much pain i was able to inflict on you. and no matter how many times you say you're okay now, i still hate myself for ever damaging the purest heart i've ever had to hold.

and i miss you, still. even after all this time, i still long to hug you.