does it make sense to you that i am terrified of what is to come, despite being a source of encouragement and bravery from those i hold in my arms?
would you listen to my symphony, albeit ear-shattering and not worth the tickets you paid for entrance to the theatre?
would you read the columns i hid in the attic, dozens of write-ups dating back from years of service i buried beneath thick facades---sturdy yet simply for show?
or would you turn the other cheek and pretend i didn't say a word? that though you understood, you simply have no patience to deal with me tonight? that even though the sea was not kind to me on my nights of travel, the waves always have a tendency to be so strong, so i must not fret. i must remember that these things happen a lot. that you almost died by a bigger wave that towered over your vessel.
why do you feel so distant the closer i get to you?
everything feels heavy tonight.
i feel nothing, and yet simultaneously feel anxious about the future i might have brought by the actions of my past. and no matter how many anecdotes i write about the past, the present, and the future, there always seems to be a loophole wherein i can be stuck in between all three at the exact same time. and like always, i still don't know what to feel about it.
this is only for tonight. it should be heavy but only for tonight.
only. tonight.












