â#.â R.I.P., early Twitter feature. Weâll bury you next to your friend, the FourSquare check-in.
adverbs. Ban all adverbs. Theyâre mostly just gulp words, really.
"because [noun]": (i.e. âbecause science.â)
"controversial tweet." Thereâs just no way to make this sound dignified, and besides, it leads to think pieces.
"derp." Itâs been an emotional ride, but itâs time to send this one off on the ice floe.
"disrupt." Luxury car apps arenât disruptive.
"Donald Trump is considering a run forâŚ" No, heâs not. He just isnât. And if youâd like to get him unearned publicity, you should at least get some stock options out of it.
"doubled down." Unless the candidate did it while biting into a delicious sandwich, letâs just say the candidate âreaffirmed his/her positionâ on transportation funding or burrito drones or whatever weâll be discussing in 2014.
"âŚfavorited a tweet you were mentioned in." No one has ever wanted to know this.
"gaffe.â Itâs going to be a long-enough election year as it is.
"game-changer." What youâre describing probably wonât change the game. But if it does, would you want to spoil the moment with a cliche?
"Guy Fieri." What if we all decided to just never mention him again? Would he disappear?
"hashtag." This refers to the spoken utterance of the word âhashtag,â often accompanied by air-quotes. People can see you doing this.
"hipster.â Wearing glasses is not something people do because theyâre hipsters; itâs something people do because theyâre nearsighted. People donât drink hot chocolate because itâs a hipster thing to do; they drink hot chocolate because itâs literally liquid chocolate. Yes, I wrote âliterally.â Thatâs what happens when you use a word so casually and carelessly in think pieces as to render it meaningless.
"I canât even." You can. Dig deep. Find your Kentucky.
"impact." (When used as a verb.)
"âŚin one chart." Weâre aiming high in 2014. Two chart minimum!
"listicle." This is the last one.
"literally the worst." Actually, while weâre at it, letâs ban "literally." Literally is the "not the Onion" of fake things.
"millennial." Young people are living with their parents because their parentsâ generation destroyed the global economy. Next.
"nondescript office park." As opposed to the Frank Gehry ones.
"Rethuglicans, Repugs," "Republikkkans," "Demoncrats," "Dumbocrats," and every other variation thereof. Please just use the normal proper nouns; you can add whatever modifier you like before or after.
"selfie." But what do they tell us about our society, in the digital now? Letâs ask James Franco.
"Snowfall." (In the future, a high-cost digital production that doesnât live up to the hype shall be known as a "Skyfall.")
"the Internets." This was a George W. Bush joke or something, right? You can still use the Internetâjust drop the âs.â
"thought leader." Mostly beaten out of existence, but donât think we didnât notice that Paul Allen interview, Wired. Youâre on notice.
tangentwithtanner
andulkaphoto
prguitarman
germansingergirl
gummygunk
origamiaround
janainaart
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turnnoffyourmind
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