Brian Lisi

"I've gotta update this."

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Man living in U.S. since age 10 taken from family, deported

"Me not being there for them for who knows how long. It's just hard."

I’ve also gotten to cover ICE a lot lately. It’s generally pretty heartbreaking, but the cool thing is, you get fun emails from readers who send you racial slurs and tell you these people deserve it! Cool story, guys!

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The scariest sharks in honor of President Trump being afraid of sharks

"He is obsessed with sharks. Terrified of sharks," porn star Stormy Daniels told InTouch Weekly about alleged lover President Trump. "He was like, 'I donate to all these charities and I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks. I hope all the sharks die.'" In light of this alpha male's newly revealed fear of alpha predators, here's a look at the most frightening fin-having fiends that will guarantee he doesn't go in the water.

I’m very lucky.

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President Trump's most tone-deaf moments from the past year

"I hate to tell you Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget a little out of whack. That's fine."

Wish I had more time to work on this since there were a gazillion other bullshit things that could’ve been added.

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Nikola Tesla's bizarre and world-changing inventions and discoveries

His name becoming more familiar nowadays thanks to how Elon Musk branded his electric car, Nikola Tesla is more than just the inspiration for a hyper-fast, crazy expensive vehicle. In his lifetime, the Croatian-born, New York City-based inventor would either invent or envision many machines we rely on today or still hope for in the not too distant future. On the 75th anniversary of his death, read up on some of his most amazing creations.

I just like Tesla and I got to write about him somehow.

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Suede vests, bucket hats and other Trump friend fashion fails

Their taste in attire isn’t winning the popular vote anytime soon.

We haven’t seen the Kush in a while, but I hope he’s still out there somewhere, still blazin’.

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Police pull over man wearing only a thong, covered in Vaseline

"He observed a jar of Vaseline that was nearly empty and noted that the driver had Vaseline covering his hands, upper and lower body parts."

Easily one of the most insane things I’ve ever covered and I forced in a Michael Jackson reference.

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John Kelly's praise of Robert E. Lee and what that entails

He's become a true chief of gaffe.

Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote up an amazing tweetstorm that was way better than what I wrote here (that I didn’t end up seeing until after publishing), but I’m still proud I got to actually put this out.

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Sandy Hook victims' families call for action after Vegas shooting

Your thoughts and prayers still aren't good enough for them.

There’s a video in here of Nelba Marquez-Greene’s daughter playing the piano that I remember just about every time there’s a school shooting now (which is every week, if not every day). These families should’ve been allowed to just mourn and try to reassemble their lives, but instead they had to become activists because everything is broken and Congress utterly failed them.

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George Foreman dares Steven Seagal to face him in fight in Vegas

One made "Hard to Kill" while the other made it easy to grill.

ABWASS: Always Be Writing About Steven Seagal (also, always use the photo of him either eating a carrot or holding cabbages -- always)

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The word 'fake' and other things Trump has lied about creating

They can't all be covfefe.

Very proud I work at a place that didn’t force me to half-ass this headline and say something like “misled” instead of “lied.”

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From Aaron to Judy, the greatest judges in history and pop culture

In honor of Aaron Judge's postseason performance, here's a look back at some other judges both in name or job description who have righteously held court in their own fields.

Fuck yeah, Randy Jackson. Fuck yeah.

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A breakdown of the worst Halloween candy

Even Willy Wonka would say oompa loompa doompety don't eat.

For whatever reason, Good Morning America talked about this article. One of the hosts mostly agreed with me. George Stephanopoulos was very unhappy.

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Campus guard shot himself, claimed it was a black man in a hoodie

Shoot first and hope no one will ask obvious questions later.

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Deaf Floridians told 'be bear monster' by interpreter during Irma

He "morning almost" did a good job.

This was just a lot of fun to write.

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Trump Chicken vs Trumpy the Rat in epic effigy encounter

"Everybody's got a plan until they get punched in the beak."

These two guys were immediately into the idea of doing this and I couldn’t be more thankful.

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Disgraced pastor Jim Bakker calls Hurricane Harvey 'judgment'

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want dehydrated food with a 25-year shelf life.

I’ve gotten the chance to make fun of Jim Bakker a lot. #blessed