Mm like I'm still not feeling better about us. I feel like I should look at our relationship from a new perspective. Im thinking that when I'm with her I should be this person whose thought out everything and has everything planned with life and with myself. And I know that's not how she thinks and I know I don't have to be like that but I feel a lot of pressure to figure my shit out now. I know I can take my time but Also I see people graduating from college and starting their careers or having plans with their lives and having good mental health and I feel like I'm stuck. She helps a lot. But I feel like I'm not getting where I need to be and idk if I'm blaming it on my relationship or if I keep doubting myself. But sometimes I feel everythings caving in on me. But I want to talk to someone about all of this. Not just about my relationship but also about more personal issues. And also idk if I really love her. I keep saying it and I feel ashamed but my hearts not there or at least sometimes I feel it but other times I'm just thinking. But idk if that's because I don't love her or if I'm just overwhelmed about everything and doubting I do. I feel like everything happened fast which isn't particularly bad because I know different people go at different paces. But I was the one who said it first. And im thinking maybe I should have waited.
She's perfect and i feel if I would have waited and been patient and NOT been myself. Everything would have turned out better. If I would have been the person I want to be. Not who I am now but the person she deserves and who I want and need to be everything that is our relationship I feel would have turned out so much better. From one perspective sure she's seeing me grow and is being there for me in my prime but what about for her. She's 23 and has plans and knows what she wants in some ways I haven't thought about. Like what car she wants, what type of lifestyle when wants to live, how she wants people to look at her, what she wants her life to be (full of travel, & love and friendships and family), she's planned her funeral already, she knows what music she likes, what her favorite things, places, people are. She has a lot that I don't have. Im a fetus. She needs someone on her level. Someone she can joke with and really gets her. Someone who can be the dominant one. Someone who is considerate of her feelings and be there at all times for her. She's needs an all round gal like how she is. I can't figure out if I want friends or not. She lives off friendships and being there for people. That's who she is. She's not dependent on them but they're very vital to her because the people around you show the person you are. Im a nobody. She needs a somebody. Someone everyone enjoys being with. And is sure of themselves and their feelings and never takes back what they say. Who doesn't hurt her. Who will never hurt her. Because that person will love her just as much as she loves them. That person would work just as hard and push her and strive for her to be the best because that's how she would be. Someone who can impress her mom. Lezley is perfect in every way. She may not feel like it sometimes or all the time. But she's smart and intelligent and funny and cute and sexy and wants the best for everyone and isn't selfish and greedy and has not one drop of a foul ♡ or evilness. She's rock solid when it comes to mannerisms and being polite and doing what's right. She gets people and is took the short straw with me. She's okay with having me now because she'll take what she gets from life. Every little thing. She's full of life. Its only the badness that surrounds her that make her feel bad. Not herself. Im a bad part. She needs someone to bring her up not down. To make her feel better, actually feel better and not read between the lines. But makes her feel better.
pixelskylines
origamiaround
