“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
Fucking and Fluff below the cut. Aftercare Included. GN Partner/Reader (no anatomy mentioned). No CW but if I've missed something please let me know as soon as possible so I can add it.
MDNI 18+
Has probably had at least a couple one-night-stands before (c'mon the man's 26 and hot as fuck), but he'll stay exclusive if in a relationship.
He's pretty quick to leave if it's a one-time thing, keeping it respectful but not wanting to stick around for longer than he has to, but if you're dating? Good luck trying to get him to leave your side lol.
I know everyone and their mother has already said this, but he loves being ridden.
Also loves oral sex. A lot. He will 100% ask to experiment with flavored protection at least once. Loves when you guys share the taste by kissing.
Not above tickling you a little to catch you off guard (plus your smile and giggles are too cute for him).
Loves making out during foreplay. Or just in general. You guys don't even need to fuck, just put one of you in the other's lap, grope and bite and grind for a while, and he's the happiest man alive.
Switch, but prefers not wasting too much energy. He'll mainly stay under you, admiring you and lazily meeting your thrusts. Sometimes he'll agree to rail you if you ask nicely. And you should probably rail him too.
Likes watching you touch yourself. He likes the lewd feeling and being able to drink in and memorize all the different noises and faces you make.
Open to trying out new kinks. He has a few hard limits (like bodily harm, unsanitary play, group sex, etc.), but he gets surprisingly excited over a lot of things. He's had his fair share of freaky fantasies don't look at his browser history.
Despite this, he's still perfectly happy sticking exclusively to vanilla sex if that's what you prefer.
While he can be a major freak in the sheets, he also sees the appeal of lazy lovemaking and soft intimacy, especially on slower days.
His tie is versatile. Wrist binding, blindfold, mouth gag, you name it.
Needless to say, he'd like to dabble in a little foodplay. Whipped cream, syrup, doughnuts, pancakes, taking turns on each other makes him so happy. Let him have his cake and eat it too. And please stack doughnuts on it, it'll be so funny.
[No "powdered doughnuts fanfic" jokes in my notes please I've grown quite annoyed with it.]
LOVES cockwarming. That's it that's the bulletpoint. Sit on him while he works on some leftover paperwork he brought home or plays his Switch or ANYTHING.
Another obvious point, but he loves being praised and told he's doing an amazing job. His cock is just as big and beautiful as his brain and he wants to hear it.
A bit of a tease, but too impatient to let it go on too long. Gets very whiney and complains if you tease him for too long. He just wants to cum, dammit. Don't make him beg! Make him beg.
Always makes sure his partner is okay, whether it's a fling or a relationship. Boundaries and expectations are always discussed before a first time with him.
Very perceptive to your needs and probably knows if you need to tap out (for whatever reason) before you do.
He's very straightforward about his needs and wants, it comes off as a little bossy even.
Lingerie Liker. Dress up pretty for him and he'll start drooling like you're a fancy cake. You may even be able to convince him to dress up for you too. Don't they make edible stuff?
Open to using toys, but largely prefers you two to pleasure each other on your own without any extra hassle. Strap-ons (if needed) are an outlier and are not counted.
I've already made an entire aftercare post about him, but I have a couple more ideas to share.
Doesn't really do anything excessive for a one-night-stand. He prefers those to be as detached as possible. If he's hosting, he just checks in with his partner, gets them something to clean themselves up a little, offers a snack and a soda for the road, makes sure they have all their clothes and belongings, and sees them out the door.
If he's at their place, he still checks in and briefly wipes off, but is more focused on getting out the door than getting comfortable and having a chat. An agency member ends up being called once he realizes he has no idea where his apartment is and has gotten himself hopelessly lost in the process. Yeah, he prefers to take people back to his place.
It's different if you guys are committed to each other. It's part of him letting his mask and walls down around you. He's very appreciative, not just for the lovemaking, but for your love and acceptance in general. He absolutely wants a sleepover AND he knows the way to your place so well he doesn't even get lost heading back to his apartment...... eventually.
If you guys aren't exhausted and immediately falling asleep afterwards, expect him to CLING to you, smiling and giggling and kissing and praising. He makes sure to have snacks within arm's reach before even initiating sex, so be prepared to nibble on some sweets and clean up bed crumbs later on. Will push a gummy past your lips and then open his mouth for you to reciprocate. Feed him the gummy, reader.
You'll probably end up being followed like he's a lost duckling dragging him to the shower. Loves when you wash each other's hair. It's so relaxing and domestic for him. Please cuddle with him in the bath for a while after you're done. He'll even bring out the good rubber ducks to keep you guys company.
Complains a little about changing the sheets, but helps where he can. Immediately flops back down on the bed with a dramatic sigh when you're both done. He really wants you to flop down with him and will make grabby hands if you don't get the message.
Sometimes he'll take a moment to seriously thank you for being in his life. You see him for who he truly is, not just some eccentric genius, and it means the world to him. Sure, he may be laid-back and snarky, but he's still human. He loves that you don't treat him like a child or make him feel different and unwanted. He's lost and endured so much from a young age, and being with you brings a sense of normalcy and comfort back into his life.
Will want to order a pizza, even if you guys immediately started snacking after finishing. Honestly, who are you to deny him? Post-sex pizza sounds fucking awesome.
Chances are, you both are gonna end up eating take-out and playing Mario Kart on the bedroom TV while still naked. If you prefer to get dressed, he will still probably be naked, or in his boxers at the most. It's very chill and casual, but not in a cold, detached way. It feels more comfortable and homely. Dare I call it domestic? In moments like these, it's very easy to forget you both just spent the greater part of the afternoon fucking like it was your last day on earth.
Fucking and Fluff below the cut. Aftercare Included. GN Partner/Reader (no anatomy mentioned). No CW but if I've missed something please let me know as soon as possible so I can add it.
MDNI 18+
Has probably had at least a couple one-night-stands before (c'mon the man's 26 and hot as fuck), but he'll stay exclusive if in a relationship.
He's pretty quick to leave if it's a one-time thing, keeping it respectful but not wanting to stick around for longer than he has to, but if you're dating? Good luck trying to get him to leave your side lol.
I know everyone and their mother has already said this, but he loves being ridden.
Also loves oral sex. A lot. He will 100% ask to experiment with flavored protection at least once. Loves when you guys share the taste by kissing.
Not above tickling you a little to catch you off guard (plus your smile and giggles are too cute for him).
Loves making out during foreplay. Or just in general. You guys don't even need to fuck, just put one of you in the other's lap, grope and bite and grind for a while, and he's the happiest man alive.
Switch, but prefers not wasting too much energy. He'll mainly stay under you, admiring you and lazily meeting your thrusts. Sometimes he'll agree to rail you if you ask nicely. And you should probably rail him too.
Likes watching you touch yourself. He likes the lewd feeling and being able to drink in and memorize all the different noises and faces you make.
Open to trying out new kinks. He has a few hard limits (like bodily harm, unsanitary play, group sex, etc.), but he gets surprisingly excited over a lot of things. He's had his fair share of freaky fantasies don't look at his browser history.
Despite this, he's still perfectly happy sticking exclusively to vanilla sex if that's what you prefer.
While he can be a major freak in the sheets, he also sees the appeal of lazy lovemaking and soft intimacy, especially on slower days.
His tie is versatile. Wrist binding, blindfold, mouth gag, you name it.
Needless to say, he'd like to dabble in a little foodplay. Whipped cream, syrup, doughnuts, pancakes, taking turns on each other makes him so happy. Let him have his cake and eat it too. And please stack doughnuts on it, it'll be so funny.
[No "powdered doughnuts fanfic" jokes in my notes please I've grown quite annoyed with it.]
LOVES cockwarming. That's it that's the bulletpoint. Sit on him while he works on some leftover paperwork he brought home or plays his Switch or ANYTHING.
Another obvious point, but he loves being praised and told he's doing an amazing job. His cock is just as big and beautiful as his brain and he wants to hear it.
A bit of a tease, but too impatient to let it go on too long. Gets very whiney and complains if you tease him for too long. He just wants to cum, dammit. Don't make him beg! Make him beg.
Always makes sure his partner is okay, whether it's a fling or a relationship. Boundaries and expectations are always discussed before a first time with him.
Very perceptive to your needs and probably knows if you need to tap out (for whatever reason) before you do.
He's very straightforward about his needs and wants, it comes off as a little bossy even.
Lingerie Liker. Dress up pretty for him and he'll start drooling like you're a fancy cake. You may even be able to convince him to dress up for you too. Don't they make edible stuff?
Open to using toys, but largely prefers you two to pleasure each other on your own without any extra hassle. Strap-ons (if needed) are an outlier and are not counted.
I've already made an entire aftercare post about him, but I have a couple more ideas to share.
Doesn't really do anything excessive for a one-night-stand. He prefers those to be as detached as possible. If he's hosting, he just checks in with his partner, gets them something to clean themselves up a little, offers a snack and a soda for the road, makes sure they have all their clothes and belongings, and sees them out the door.
If he's at their place, he still checks in and briefly wipes off, but is more focused on getting out the door than getting comfortable and having a chat. An agency member ends up being called once he realizes he has no idea where his apartment is and has gotten himself hopelessly lost in the process. Yeah, he prefers to take people back to his place.
It's different if you guys are committed to each other. It's part of him letting his mask and walls down around you. He's very appreciative, not just for the lovemaking, but for your love and acceptance in general. He absolutely wants a sleepover AND he knows the way to your place so well he doesn't even get lost heading back to his apartment...... eventually.
If you guys aren't exhausted and immediately falling asleep afterwards, expect him to CLING to you, smiling and giggling and kissing and praising. He makes sure to have snacks within arm's reach before even initiating sex, so be prepared to nibble on some sweets and clean up bed crumbs later on. Will push a gummy past your lips and then open his mouth for you to reciprocate. Feed him the gummy, reader.
You'll probably end up being followed like he's a lost duckling dragging him to the shower. Loves when you wash each other's hair. It's so relaxing and domestic for him. Please cuddle with him in the bath for a while after you're done. He'll even bring out the good rubber ducks to keep you guys company.
Complains a little about changing the sheets, but helps where he can. Immediately flops back down on the bed with a dramatic sigh when you're both done. He really wants you to flop down with him and will make grabby hands if you don't get the message.
Sometimes he'll take a moment to seriously thank you for being in his life. You see him for who he truly is, not just some eccentric genius, and it means the world to him. Sure, he may be laid-back and snarky, but he's still human. He loves that you don't treat him like a child or make him feel different and unwanted. He's lost and endured so much from a young age, and being with you brings a sense of normalcy and comfort back into his life.
Will want to order a pizza, even if you guys immediately started snacking after finishing. Honestly, who are you to deny him? Post-sex pizza sounds fucking awesome.
Chances are, you both are gonna end up eating take-out and playing Mario Kart on the bedroom TV while still naked. If you prefer to get dressed, he will still probably be naked, or in his boxers at the most. It's very chill and casual, but not in a cold, detached way. It feels more comfortable and homely. Dare I call it domestic? In moments like these, it's very easy to forget you both just spent the greater part of the afternoon fucking like it was your last day on earth.
🔞Poe teaching Ranpo patience and intimacy is so near and dear to me. It’s my hc that Ranpo was a virgin before Poe, to the point he never even thought much about sex at all, so he feels in over his head when he and Poe first have sex. He starts to freak out because he has no idea what to do, thinks he should know how to do this, but Poe calms him down and helps him out, shows him what he likes and explores what Ranpo likes. Their shared trust and love is what makes their first time so good (plus how good Poe is with his mouth haha).
oh my god you hate taylor because she is a woman and you cannot appreciate successful women. yeah so what she is a grown woman and bullies other women and sic her fans on them. yeah so what if she has contributed so much to carbon emissions with her little planes. and so what if she invited people who own ICE detention center. and so what if she hangs out with maga crowd. and so what she queerbaits. and so what if she inconvenienced tonnes of people with her wedding at msg. and so what if she is a billionaire.
yeah she is a feminist icon because she endorsed kamala harris once. so what if she doesn't speak on white house and trump using her music. she is just a tiny baby who was bullied by kanye west. you all are just haters uwu
Tumblr so weird because whenever someone follows me back I immediately think I made a new friend but then I remember people don't work like that...if I interact with you more than twice that means I consider you a friend
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