Heavily Medicated For Life @brknscars - Tumblr Blog

piyanokokusuu-deactivated202401

Celebrating my birthday is a mix between loving and hating the day. Every time I start to be happy my depression comes full swing and let’s me remember every single bad thing that’s happened or is currently happening. When will I be able to wake up and be able to control my thoughts on happier memories instead of the sucky ones.

This year will mark the second year in a row that Daryl refuses to wake up and realize how shitty of a father he’s been since the divorce. He doesn’t want to see that the reason I chose to live with her is because he has CONSTANTLY chose my brother over me. Year after year, Michael gets praise for all he’s done, but when I told him that I was graduating with a diploma he was shocked that I did it. How does he think that made me feel? He doesn’t know because he doesn’t give a single fuck about my feelings. Sometimes I wonder if he is suffering but then I remember that why would he when he has a step daughter and a good daughter in law. Who needs a daughter who is a lazy, obese disappointment?

I hate this shit. I hate that I want him to care. I hate that I care about him caring about me. I hate that I wasn’t just a disappointment to him but to his brothers and his parents. I wish I only cared about the ones who loved, cared and cherished me.

Fuck this life. I need to focus on me. I need to focus on my own feelings, the feelings that matter. I don’t want pity. I don’t want sympathy.

I don’t have time to worry about the family members who don’t or didn’t care about how I feel.

I don’t have a sister. I barely have a brother. I don’t have a father. I don’t have a grandpa. I barely have a mother.

But

I do have a boyfriend who loves me in his own way. I have a cousin who is my best friend. I have an amazing nephew. I have three gorgeous nieces. I have Panda Louise and Luna May. I have my grandma who is my lifeline. I have a woman who I consider a second mother who I know who would be there for me no matter what happens. I have my mother when she is sober.

I don’t need anyone else...... right?

I feel like I am stuck in a relationship that isn’t moving forward and I don’t know what to do with that anymore. I tried to fix things and I don’t think it helped anything because now I feel like I am being manipulative and I try not to but sometimes it happens. I wonder if I’ve already messed this up without even meaning to. Maybe I don’t deserve to have a relationship right now until I know how to be in a relationship. I’ve picked up the wrong ways throughout my life on how to deal with negative results. Ugh idk!!!!! Fuck.