Daybreak

A broken heart with a lot to say

[broken-day]

I know I need to let you go. I need to stop stalking your socials, I need to stop hoping that we can try again, I need to learn to be without you and happy with myself. But I can't.

I can't and I don't want to. Letting go means losing you forever and if the only way I can have you is through the pain that you've given me, and the pain of only having our memories, then I'll take it.

I want to talk to you everyday, have the meaningless conversations we'd always have, tell you first thing every time something happens. I want to talk to you every second of every day like we used to. I want to narrate to you every single move I make throughout my entire day. I need your comfort and safety when I'm feeling scared, worried, sad, or upset. Do you miss any of that too? Was any of that real? Or were you just faking it like everything else?

You've destroyed me completely, in so many ways. I find out new ways that you never truly wanted me and that I wasn't good enough for you every day, whether through friends or by stalking your socials. And that's on me but I can't help it. I just need you.

I need you to care. I need to know that everything wasn't fake, that I was good enough, that you truly wanted me, that you're hurting without me, that you need me too. But despite me being wrong every time, I keep looking anyway because I don't want to lose hope in you. I don't want to let you go.

And I hate that I can't hate you for it. I hate that I still love you. I hate that I need you. I hate how you've ruined me. I can't love myself. Only you. And you don't care. I'm nothing to you.

[broken-day]

You know it's bad when you keep having dreams of him texting you and getting back together.

I remember all those times you'd joke about being in my head and telepathically making me miss you. Please stop now, though.

Why can't you just get out of my head? Why do you have so much power over me, even though we're not talking at all? You're not in my life anymore but you're still in my head and my dreams, and I want you out.

I don't even cross your mind, do I? You've probably forgotten all about me already. You've already moved on, probably looking for other girls or maybe you've already found one. Or perhaps you managed to get the girl you always wanted but couldn't have.

And I'm not saying that I want you to suffer like I am. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies. But why aren't you? I'm not on your mind at all, so why are you all that's on mine?

[broken-day]

I really hope you don't go around telling people that your "bros" are always there for you but I wasn't. Because you know damn well I would've been if you had let me. And I wanted to be.

I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be your shoulder to cry on, I wanted to be the one that holds you and comforts you, and understands you, and does the best I can to make you feel the way you deserve to feel. But you didn't want me to. You didn't want me to.

It was your choice to leave me. When I was trying to fight for us. Because I needed you. I needed you to be the shoulder for me to cry on, the one that holds me and comforts me, the one that understands me, and that does their best to make me feel better. But you didn't want to be. You didn't want to be.

And I still do. And you still don't.

[broken-day]

Is it weird that I wish she looked nothing like me, rather than her look similar to me?

Knowing that she is basically just the hotter, prettier, more attractive version of me leaves a kind of pain that doesn't just go away.

You liked the way I look, even though I wasn't even your type, but I still wasn't good enough. Not as good as her. And that stings more than words can express.

[broken-day]

Do you even feel any guilt or shame for everything you did to me? Do you even know everything you did to me?

I regret responding to your bare minimum apology text and saying that I forgive you for everything that you failed to specify, because I worry that that relieved you of any and all guilt and shame you may have had. And now you're completely fine while I'm still hurting as much as ever.

I also wonder, did your shitty friends manage to convince you that I was the worse one in the relationship and that you deserved better? I have no doubts that they tried but did they succeed?

Because I know I wasn't perfect either and my sense of self-worth is currently in the ground, but I'll still be damned if I say you were the one who deserved better.

[broken-day]

I know you never meant to hurt me. Of course you wouldn't intend to.

You just never cared that you did.

[broken-day]

Thank you for making me feel even more insecure and worthless than you found me. Thank you for choosing to do everything you did, knowing how insecure I was. Thank you for making me think that someone actually wanted me, which I couldn't even fathom before you, only to prove me wrong anyway.

You brought up my confidence and lessened my insecurity at first, only to continously shoot them back down as time went on, past the point that you found me at. I didn't think it was possible to see myself worse than I did before, but you somehow managed to make it happen.

Thank you.

[broken-day]

I'm still waiting for us to meet again. Whether for me to say everything I want to say and make you truly understand how much pain you've caused me, or for us to try again, I'm not so sure of.

But I'm still waiting. And I think I always will be.

[broken-day]

I used to listen to all those slow love songs, imagining myself dancing to them with the love of my life. And then came you who promised that I won't have to imagine it anymore.

And then you left me having to imagine it again. Only now I imagine it with you.

I never wanted to relate to all those heartbreak songs, and I thought you wouldn't let me.

But thanks to you, I feel like the main character whenever a heartbreak song comes on. And it feels like the wound is being rubbed with salt every time a love song comes on. The same love songs I'd listened to picturing you as the main character.

[broken-day]

It's scary to think about being put in a room with all the other women in your mind. All 1400 sex models you followed on Instagram, Sydney Sweeney, and that "friend" that I never even knew existed let alone that you liked since before we even met.

Because you'd choose all of them before even acknowledging my existence, wouldn't you? They'd be glowing like the sun and I'd blend in with the wall.

But it's kind of funny as well because if you were in a room with all my celebrity crushes, or really just anyone that fits my "type," I'd still run straight into your arms. And you have pretty much nothing in common with them. See how you've ruined me?

[broken-day]

I can hear them a million times. "You deserve better. You'll find someone better. The one for you is out there."

But it hurt the most when it came from you. I just wanted it to be you. Why couldn't you be better for me? Why couldn't you be the better you say I deserve?

[broken-day]

I don't know whether it's your fault or my own. I'm the one who decided to stay despite the 1400 sex models you followed on Instagram and fought me over. I'm the one who stayed despite your open obsession with Sydney Sweeney.

But you're the one who managed to convince me that you didn't care about them, and that I was more attractive to you in every way than them.

And now after all this time, I learn that there was another girl that you never stopped liking from before you met me, but couldn't get her because she was taken. And after you leave me, you try going for her anyway.

I've been insecure my whole life, since childhood. All the kids made sure of it. So whose fault is it for my overbearing insecurities and lack of self-worth now? Whose fault is it that I cry everyday from feeling like I'll never be good enough for anyone? Yours or still mine?

[broken-day]

Sometimes I wish I could see you again if only just to show you how much you hurt me. Just so I can hear you admit all of the things you lied about and all of the ways you manipulated me.

Because I guess thinking about it myself isn't enough. I need to hear from you that you never truly wanted me. That I shouldn't have ignored all those red flags.

[broken-day]

Every promise you made me was meant for her. Every time you looked into my eyes and spoke with your heart, you'd wished it were her eyes. Every text you sent that made me feel like I was in my favourite dream, you'd wished it was her on the receiving end.

Are you happy now? Now that your wishes can come true and mine were never to be, are you happy?

[broken-day]

Do you miss me with every little accomplishment in your life? Do you wish I were there to celebrate with and congratulate you? Do you wish I were there to support you like I promised to always do? I'm sorry I broke that promise but I didn't really have a choice. I didn't want to.

Why did you choose to break your promises though? I wish you didn't.

[broken-day]

Heartbreak is a funny thing. Sometimes I'll feel like I'm completely over you, other times I'll regret ever letting you get away. Sometimes I'll accept that I deserve better and will find better, other times I'm screaming and crying to some god to bring you back to me. It's always the night thoughts that leave me crying myself to sleep, but sometimes those thoughts like to spend the day with me. And those days are what make me question whether we should really be apart.

Because why can't I get over you? What have you done to me? Can it be undone? Please.

[broken-day]

I hope you're proud of what you made of me. A fool who still loves you while you never truly loved me. A mess of a hopeless romantic while you're thriving, most likely with the one you truly wanted all along. A broken shell of a person, more broken than you found me, who regrets ever trusting you and will never trust or love anyone ever again. I hope you're proud.

But hey, I kept my promise. You're the only one I'll ever love...even if I can't be with you.