“the day you left me was cold. it was cold and i didn’t believe it and when i started crying, the whole world slipped through my fingers and collapsed at my feet. the day you left me, i crawled under blankets and stared at my body until i couldn’t breathe. the day you left me, when i reached for your hand, i realized the day you left me wasn’t the day you lost me. i realized this had been cracked for so long, i forgot what it looked like whole. i realized i put up with a lot i shouldn’t have because i thought it was normal, because my sadness clouded my vision and you so easily could make me believe i was the problem. i realized you lost me a long time ago: the first time i got into my parents’ liquor cabinet, took shots alone right out of the bottle, and fell asleep for fourteen hours. when i woke up, you laughed and told me i should have used a chaser. you lost me the first time you told me i should smoke when i’m upset so in the midst of crying, i laughed about how much i hated my life instead. when i told you i was trying to quit, you helped me buy more. you told me it was better not to think about it. you lost me when you ignored my sad posts and only mentioned my poems about you when you wanted to rave about the happy ones, when strangers would ask me if i was okay, but when i told you i wanted to die, you didn’t even flinch. you lost me when you apologized over and over again but never confronted the problem. you wanted things to be better but didn’t want to put in the work, so you tried to rid me with your guilty conscience. you lost me because the first time you cheated on me was when i was in the middle of a depressive episode. my face against the cold metal chair on my porch step at 3 a.m., staring at the moon so large in comparison to each teardrop that ran down my face. you fell asleep with her lips on your neck and i fell asleep wanting to die. you lost me when i texted you at midnight, drunk, alone, with my face against the floor, and you blocked my number. when you told your friends we broke up because i was crazy. when you lied about cheating even after it didn’t matter anymore. when you made me keep myself up at night, making me feel so bad for being right that i would always second-guess myself. you lost me because no matter how sensitive you expect me to be to all of your stupid fucking “mistakes,” after you put me through unbearable pain, you will never be sensitive to mental illness. you’ll never know how this feels no matter how much you act like you do: i couldn’t put the effort into anything and you just couldn’t put the effort into me. you give up over and over again. run. make things worse. repeat. depression comes in waves, but it doesn’t fade away. and you encouraged the sadness because it means some days, i am still weak. it means i am still addicted to you. it gives you a power you can touch, a power you always held over me. you know you can take advantage of me because i can’t keep my head on straight. you left me when it got hard, you left me when i had no one to go to, when my group of friends was falling apart. and the worst part was never that you couldn’t make this feeling go away, but you punished me for having a sadness i can’t control. the worst part is, even after losing you, i can imagine crying to my fiancé in a bar, asking him to tell me why you never loved me like he does. and i’m afraid that will be the day that i lose him, too. because you’re right, i can’t stop holding onto the things that don’t matter anymore and it haunts me every day to feel this sadness because you taught me i should be ashamed of it. the worst part will never be that you left. it will be how you did it, cold turkey, with no explanation except that you couldn’t fix my sadness, that you didn’t think i was worth happiness.”
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