Itty Bitty Sinners 2.7 I don't trust you
Everyone has trauma in this- let's just stop kidding ourselves.
"You made me believe in hell
Visualize your body burning
The judges as the courts adjourning
And I guess it's inflation
But damn, its hard to value my two cents
As a kid, I was idolizing
Billionaires and all the presidents, but
I don’t trust them anymore
No way, no way, no not again
And I may never trust at all
No way, no way, I’m over them." -Left at London, I don't trust you anymore.
Angel slowly blinked awake, the bright red glare from the windows illuminating his room. He usually closes the curtain to keep his bedroom dark- but he had forgotten last night.
Angel rubbed his eyes and yawned, but he's not really ready to get up yet. He turns and snuggles into what he thought was a pillow.
"Good morning." Angel hears, he blinks and looks up at the yellow eyes of the one he was leaning against.
"Oh. Morning." Angel sits up. "I'm- sorry, I didn't mean ta' fall asleep on ya." Angel says, his face flushed.
"It's alright." Husk says, stretching, "I hope this isn't an intrusion- I uh- I didn't want to disturb you, so I was going to wait till you moved but you never did." He explains.
"Really?" Angel asks, confused. He usually moves around a lot in his sleep. Val has threatened to tie him to the bed before... And he has.
Husk yawns and checks his phone. "It's already nine. We should get up."
Angel thinks about it. "Mmm. No." he whines, pulling the blanket back up and laying next to Husk.
"If I go out there Charlie will ask me about that stupid project and I don't want to hear about it." Angel tells him.
"Do you have work today?" Husk asks.
Angel pulls the blanket down a bit and shakes his head. "Nope. Wrapped up a movie yesterday. Val will be focused on scripting the next one today."
"That's good." Husk says, smoothing out Angel's hair with his gentle paw. "You could probably use the day off, huh?" He asks.
Angel sighs. "You have no idea." He says, remembering the shit day he had yesterday.
"Well, I do have work today. So, if you're good here, I'll just-"
As Husk gets out of the bed, Angel interupts, pulling on his hand. "No, you're so comfortable!" Angel complains.
Husk rolls his eyes. "Angel-"
"We can stay here today." Angel suggests. "Al probably won't notice- or you can tell Charlie you're sick?"
"I can't." Husk says. "Are you little right now?"
"No." Angel let go of him. "Just...don't want to get up...or be alone."
"Ah. Okay." Husk nods. "You really don't want to see Charlie, do you?"
"I just don't want to be lectured again." Angel admits. It reminded him too much of every day of his entire life. In hell and earth.
His dad, his brother, his sister, his Nona. No one saw that he was actually trying.
He was never enough....for anyone. He never was. He can still hear them all in the back of his mind like if they were still there.
'Do you want to go to hell, Tony?'
'You need help, you know what happens to-'
'God! Why are you always such a mess?!'
'You think your brother would have pulled a stunt like this?'
"It might help if you just get it over with." Husk suggests. "I'm sure Charlie will get over it if you just tell her you won't do it."
Angel groans, pulling the blanket over his head and turning away from Husk.
"Just tell her you don't want to do it- it's not like she can make you." Husk says.
"Oh. She can't. But she can guilt trip me and make me feel bad about it forever." Angel explains.
Husk nods. "Yeah...she does do that. That wouldn't be a bad thing to bring to HQ."
Angel scoffs. "Who, Vaggie? She hates me more than Charlie does."
"Charlie doesn't hate you." Husk says.
"Mmm, pretty sure she does." Angel says. "She only keeps me around because she needed me that one time. So despite the fact she doesn't anymore, I was the first one to actually say yes so she feels obligated. She feels bad for me. That's why anyone keeps me around."
Husk paused at that. "Hold on." Husk pulls the blanket away from Angel's face.
"Let me make something clear." Husk says. "I don't stick around because I feel bad for you. You think you're the first sob story I've ever heard? I like hanging out with you, that's why I'm here. We're friends. I don't see you as a helpless victim who needs me. You're my friend and that's it. Got it?"
Angel blinks at Husk and nods.
"Good." Husk gets off the bed, finally able to stretch properly. "Now, you don't know what Charlie thinks. The only thing you can do is ask and hope for an honest answer." He says.
Angel frowns, pulling his legs to his chest.
Husk sits on the bed again. "What is it?"
Angel shrugs. "What if...it's actually hopeless? The whole, redemption thing?"
"Let's hope it's not." Husk says. "But- if it is...we can find a way out of your contract." He asks. "Maybe Val will get sick of you."
"Could only hope." Angel says.
"I'll be downstairs." Husk says. "If you join me, I might be able to make you something special for breakfast." He offers.
"Bribery won't work." Angel says.
"We'll see." Husk smirks, he affectionately brushes a hand through Angel's hair before leaving the room.
Angel sighs, picking up his piglet. "I have to face her, don't I?"
The piglet happily oinks at him, smiling with his eyes.
"Alright, let's get you some breakfast." Angel says to his precious pig, choosing to get up now.
The next day when Clara was big again Zestial and Carmella sat her down to talk. "You're still struggling with what happened with the angel?" Carmilla asks her.
"Clara, T's well enow. Thou art safe wihin our presence. Prithee pray pardon me what is troubling thee?" Zestial asks.
(Clara, you're okay. This is a safe space. Please tell us what is bothering you.)
"I guess I am." Clara says, griping her arm tightly. "It's just- I didn't see it coming! I'm supposed to notice these things- I'm supposed to protect Odette!"
"Darling, you put too much pressure on yourself." Carmilla says, standing and walking over to Clara protectively. "You can't control everything."
Clara can't help but start crying and panting rappidly as her anxious thought plague her mind. "The next extermination will be even sooner. We only have a couple months then-"
"We just need to be more careful." Carmilla tells her, holding Clara's arms. "We will be okay."
"What if we aren't?" Clara asks.
Carmilla sighs. "I know how you're feeling. After what happened...I've been having a nervous breakdown over it. The thought of losing you or your sister scares me. But, we can't control every outcome. We can't let fear destroy us."
Clara blinks away some of her tears.
"There's nothing I can say to fix this." Carmilla says. "I can't solve this easily...we just have to protect what we can. And when we can't- it's unfortunate but not our fault." She says. "Sometimes life does that- it throws tragedy at us and tells us we should be afraid and hide and torture ourselves."
Carmilla takes a moment to look her beautiful daughter in the eye. She smiles warmly at her. "Don't let fear control you. Own it. You and your sister will be fine. I will always do everything in my power to protect you. I promise. We will work harder, increase your training and plan for the worst. Those angels won't be underestimated again."
Clara hugs her mother and Carmilla holds her tight. "Sweet girl. You're alright."
Odette must have entered the room at some point because she walks over to them and joins their group hug. "As long as we're together...we'll be okay."
"You don't have to worry about me." Odette tells her. "I'm okay, I promise."
"Hark- I shall beest h're by your side aswell." Zestial says.
Clara smiles and hugs Zestial too. "Thanks, Zestial."
He pats her head then looks at Carmilla who was smiling.
They were going to be okay.
After Angel fed Fat Nuggets and got dressed, he walked downstairs to face Charlie and get this over with.
He's not sure what it was about her- but he didn't want to disappoint her. He hated it.
She does a lot for him... and he knew he wasn't as attentive as he could be. That pentious was better. That she deserved better- He just-
He can't be what she expects.
"Angel! Good morning!" Charlie smiles at him- approaching him before he can go find her.
"Hey, Charlie." Angel grips his arm tightly. "I was uh...hoping to talk to you about something?" He asks.
"Oh. Really? Sure. What's up?" Charlie asks. "You can tell me anything!" She says. "Do you want to talk here or in my office? This is a safe place, whatever makes you feel more comfortable- that's what we'll do!"
Great, now she thinks hes opening up to her- fuck.
He decides to just spit it out: "I'm not doing the project." He turns awag. "See you later-"
“Wait!" Charlie grabs his hand, making him face her again. "Angel, is there a reason you don't want to do the project?" Charlie asks him.
"No." Angel crosses his arms. "It's just...stupid and I don't like it." He says.
"Angel, there must be a reason." Charlie says.
"Well...there ain't." Angel says. "Just drop it."
"Angel, the point of it is to understand forgiveness and open up our hearts to-"
"To who exactly?" Angel snaps. "Who do you suppose I need to forgive in your mind?! Val? The person who stabbed me? My so called family? There's no one who's worth my forgiveness!" He says. "I don't even know why you guys forgave me when all I do is shit on stuff purposefully and ruin everyone's life!" Angel shouts.
Charlie takes a step back. "Angel, that's not tru-"
"Yes it is!" Angel shouts back, suppressing as much emotion as he can but it was hopeless, his voice breaks slightly. "How can I forgive anyone when I'm no better than them?"
Does he really believe that?
Well...It's true, right? He ruined his familiy's life. Didn't he?
Messed everything up all the time?
Yeah. He's quite literally the worst.
Charlie frowns. "Angel...sometimes it's not that simple. I believe everyone deserves redemption but not everyone deserves forgiveness. " She explains, taking his hand. "But, you? You do. You've hurt people...but you're so genuine. You make mistakes and you fix them. You make things okay. You deserve forgiveness-"
Angel pulls his hand away. "Charlie, stop."
"I think what you really need...who you really need to forgive. Is you." She says.
"Why can't you forgive yourself when you mess up?" She asks. "No one hates you, no one is mad at you...except maybe...you."
Angel blinks at her. "I ain't worth it." He says.
But he ruined everything... didn't he?
He wasn't worth forgiveness...
"Angel...who told you that you weren't worth forgiving?" She asks.
Angel's breathing quickens-
"Angel?" Charlie gets closer and reaches her hand towards him. But before she can get close enough to touch him, he bolts.
"Angel-!" Charlie calls out. "Wait, please?"
"Angel?" He hears Husk say at the bar as soon as he leaves- he's not sure if the cat heard any of it- but he doesn't care- he can't face this right now.
Angel runs to his room and slams the door closed-
He crawls into bed and tries desperately to not think about it- or anything else! "It's okay it's okay it's okay." He tells himself. "You're safe- in your room, you're not there- anywhere else. You're in your room and no one is coming- nobody is here- you're alone and you're safe."
Angel covers himself in his favorite blanket, the one cherri gave him. Then the small pink giraffe Husk gave him caught his eye- it had fallen on the floor.
He sniffles a bit and reaches for it- trying to grab it without getting off the bed.
It takes a bit of stretching but he manages to grab it.
Angel hugs it close. "I'm sorry I dropped you on the floor." He says softly, he pulls it away to look at it face to face. "Want to watch peppa pig with me?" He asks it softly.
He smiles when he moves the Giraffe's head up and down.
He pulls out his phone and plays an episode, holding his giraffe tight. "It's okay...nobody will bother us in here, you're safe." He says to the Giraffe.
"What the hell happened?" Husk asks Charlie.
"I...don't know." Charlie says. "I just...I suggested something for his project and he just...ran." She says.
Husk sighs. "He uh- had a hard day yesterday, I think he's just..dealing with a lot."
"I wish I knew how to help him." Charlie says.
Husk nods. "I think he just needs time." Husks says. "I'll go check on him."
"No, I should." Charlie interupts before Husk can leave. "I did this, I upset him. It should be me who goes in there."
"Charlie, I really don't think-"
Before Husk can talk Charlie runs upstairs to find Angel, so Husk does the only rational thing he can think of and runs after her. "Charlie, wait-"
Charlie stops before she can reach Angel's door.
"Please, just let me talk to him first?" Husk asks.
Charlie was going to argue but she then looked into Husk's eyes and sighs. "Okay. Just- please ask him to talk to me? I don't know what I did but I am so sorry!"
"I'll tell him." Husk says.
Charlie smiles and nods, then she walks away, obviously not wanting to but also not wanting to push Angel too far.
Once Charlie is out of earshot, Husk knocks on the door. "Angel?"
"It's just me, I'm coming in." Husk slowly opens the door and peeks through the small opening. He saw Angel was watching something on his phone, assumed to be little by the way he clung onto his giraffe plushie.
"Hey, kiddo. You okay?" Husk asks once he's inside the room with the door closed.
Angel looked at him and shrugs.
"Had a fight with Charlie?" Husk asks, approaching the little one.
Angel shrugs again. "I dunno..." He whispers.
"Are you doing okay?" He asks.
Angel whimpers and shakes his head. "She's mad."
"She's not mad." He tells him. "No one is mad at you."
Angel holds his giraffe closer. "She is."
"Charlie isn't mad, Ang-"
"No Charlie." Angel says. "Molly."
Husk blinks. "Who's Molly?"
"And- and my brother...and everyone else." Angel shakes his head. "I-I always...I always mess everything up." Angel says.
"Stop!" Angel cries. "Always!" He shouts. "I don't deserve forgiveness! I don't deserve anythin' I'm useless!"
"Angel-" Husk takes his hand. "Wait a minute, please?" Husk asks him.
Angel stops struggling a moment, turning to Husk.
"You're self-destructing again." Husk says, moving his hands to his face. "Angel, you're okay. You're safe here. They're not here."
Angel looks at him, and he sniffles. "I-"
"You're my friend...and I care about you...and I like you." Husk says. "A lot. Okay? You're not unlovable or unforgivable no matter what they said then. Okay?"
"You didn't mess up." Husk says. "You're doing great. Charlie isn't mad, nobody is mad at you, it's okay."
"You're doing fine." Husk says. "Nobody isn't mad. Charlie wanted me to tell you that she's sorry."
"Why is she sorry?" Angel asks.
Husk shrugs. "Because she upset you. She doesn't want you to be upset because she cares about you. Believe it or not people do care about you here...we want you around."
"Yeah. I do. I like you, Angel. Exactly as you are."
Angel doesn't know how digest that...he figured his true self had to have been unlikable...otherwise...
Otherwise his family would have liked him...exactly how he was- why- why didn't they?
He liked them...most of the time. He just...wasn't good enough.
"Angel! What's the fucking hold up!"
"Goddamn it, tony! That's the third time you've fuckex us over with your baffoonery!"
"Classic Tony, everything is always about him!"
At the memory of Cherri's voice, Angel feels a bit of comfort.
He was loved...sometimes.
His family didn't have to be right...not all the time.
Molly approached Anthony who was smoking outside in the ally.
"Please...go away." He says, turning away from her. "I have nothin' to say to you."
"I don't want to fight." Molly says.
Anthony didn't respond. He should have known that Molly wouldn't accept him. Should have known that she was just like the rest of them.
"I love you." Molly says, sitting next to him. "I may not...understand you but- I love you."
He looks at her again. "I thought you were mad at me." He says.
"For pushing me and busting my head open? Nah. You and Johnny do it enough I'm pretty sure I have permanent damage." She jokes. "Guess that would explain why I was a huge jerk to you about...him."
Anthony frowns. "Molly, I've tried. I can't change who I am."
"I don't want you to." She says. "I was just scared. But- I don't think love is a bad thing... I mean- if loving someone is a sin, then we're all sinners right? And nothing can stop me from loving you. You're my best friend in the whole world and- I never want to lose you." She starts crying and hugs him.
"I love you too." He says, hugging her back.
Anthony nods as tears fall down his face. "It's okay."
"I love you...exactly as you are."
Angel hugs Husk. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, you have nothing to apologize for." Husk tells him. "You're okay."
Angel snuggles closer to him. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He says. "I'm just so...out of it- I can't-"
"It's okay." Husk says. "You don't have to feel bad. We care about you, that's all." He says. "You don't need to feel bad. It's okay to not be okay."
"It's okay to be messed up." Husk says.
Angel wipes away a tear. "I've been told I'm not worth anything for so long." He explains. "The idea of feeling differently kinda...scares me I guess." He explains.
Husk nods. "I wish I could show you the something you are." He says. "I'm sorry they made you think that. If you ever need a reminder that you're not who they say you are, I'll be happy to remind you. You've done great work and even if you're not ready to forgive them or yourself...you gotta know you're doing great, I hope you'll at least appreciate your own progress."
Angel smiles. "Thanks, Husk."
"Can you stick around? Please? I don't want to be alone"
"Yeah." Husk agrees. "I should have stayed before. Im sorry."
Angel smiles. "It's okay. I'm just needy."
"That's okay." Husk tells him. "I'll text Charlie and if she needs me...she'll just have to manage without me."
Angel smiles and holds Husk tighter. "Thanks, Husk."
"Babe, I'm sure everything is fine." Vaggie says.
"I don't know what I did but- something is wrong, Vaggie! Angel was so upset!"
"Angel has issues, he's probably high or something."
Charlie's phone goes off, she checks in and sighs, then imidiately put it back in her pocket.
"What is it?" Vaggie asks.
"Husk texted me. All he said is Angel is fine and he's taking the day off."
"Doesn't say." Charlie shrugs. "Do you think they're okay?"
"I'm sure they're fine. Today is kinda a slow day anyway. We don't really need Husk there."
"Every day is a slow day." Charlie sighs.
Vaggie walks over to her and takes her hands. "Hey...we'll be okay."
"What if I can't reach him?" Charlie asks. "What if he hates me?"
"I don't think he does. I think he...I think he hates himself." Vaggie says.
Charlie looks at her. "You think so?" She asks, feeling worse.
"Anytime Angel says anything remotely positive about himself...it's just the persona he has." She says. "I don't think he truly likes who he is."
"I like who he is." Charlie says. "I'd rather he hate me."
"Maybe you should tell him that." Vaggie says. "I'm no therapist but it seems like he-"
"That's exactly what he needs, Vaggie!" Charlie smiles suddenly and takes Vaggie's hands and stands excitedly. "Therapy!"
"Uh...yeah. okay." Vaggie is a little lost but she won't deny it.
"I'm going to go talk to Angel, I'll let you know how it goes!" Charlie says, heading to the door.
"Charlie are you high?" She asks.
"Love you!" Charlie throws out before exiting.
"Here we go." Vaggie sighs once Charlie is out of the room.
~~~Angel, Husk, and Charlie:~~~
Angel and Husk were relaxing, starting to watch peppa pig when they heard a knock and then door opening slowly.
"Angel! Sorry to barge in, I just need to talk to you." Charlie says as she enters his room. "I know you're going through a lot and that's okay! It was wrong of me to pressure you. I don't think you need to do the forgiveness project but I want you to learn forgiveness. So, if you're willing I'd love to have a personal session with you all about forgiveness. Specifically self forgiveness and-"
"Charlie." Husk interupts. "Do you honestly think now is the best time?"
Charlie pauses and looks at the two of them. "Oh my gosh! Angel! You're little right now?" She asks. "And Husk? You're his caregiver? This is so great!"
"Charlie!" Husk looks at her like she's absolutely insane.
"Oh, shit! Yeah. I'll go, I'm so sorry!" Charlie says awkwardly heading towards the door. "I'll give you two space. You know where to find me if you want to talk. Please talk to me!" She says specifically to Angel.
As she closes the door, Husk turns to Angel. "You okay?"
"Who dat?" Little Angel asks.
Husk told Angel what happened.
Angel was so numb right now- finally getting an energy low after so much panic and stress- he hardly cared Charlie saw him little. He just- wanted things to be okay again. So, he walked downstairs to Charlie's office.
He hesitates a moment, considering if this was something he was only jumping into to get things over with...was this what he wanted?
Fuck it. He knocks on the door.
"Come in." He hears her say so he does.
"Hey." He says, hands shaking a little as he walks in.
"Angel! You're here! I'm so sor-"
"It's okay." Angel interupts. "I'm...okay. it's not like you didn't know."
"I should have let you come to me. I get out of hand." She says.
"You're forgiven." Angel says, arm holding the other as he feels Charlie's hopeful eyes staring at him. "I'm sorry I...lashed out."
"It's okay." She says. "I'm sorry I pushed."
"I have issues." He admits. "With my family especially...it's possible my family is the one who...hurt me."
"Like...emotionally?" She asks.
"Yes, but also the exorcist blade. The details are fuzzy."
"I can't." Tears fall down Angel's face. "I can't forgive myself because I've done things...terrible things I can't really take back."
Charlie walks over closer to him.
"I want to be better but I feel like I can't- I don't deserve to get better."
"We can work on that. If you're willing." Charlie says, taking his hands. "Angel, you're worth forgiving. You're worth being around for. You're not a burden and you're worth redemption. I'd love to work with you if you'll let me."
Angel shrugs. "I can't be what you want, Charlie. I can't be...pentious." Angel says.
"Good." Charlie says. "Because I want to work with Angel. We'll find a way that works for us. Okay?" She asks.
"Thank you, Angel. I have so many plans." She says. "But, we'll go slow! And we'll start tomorrow if that's okay. We'll go at your pace."
Angel nods. "Thanks...for not giving up on me."
"People are wrong about you, Angel. Don't let other people's bad perception keep you from being your best self. You deserve better."
Angel has lived his whole life thinking he'd never be good enough for his family...but maybe he could be enough for his new one.
"You made me question my faith
Hasn't gotten worse, it's never
As they attack my sisters
And before we would shake hands
You bellowed in the bathroom, "out, damned spot!”
But I guess that you’re proud of me, though
But I don't trust you anymore
No way, no way, no more, no how
No way, no way, no not right now
Your wretched image didn’t make me sick
And I wish it could still be like that
I don’t trust you anymore
I don’t trust you anymore
I don’t trust you anymore
I don’t trust you anymore
I don’t trust you anymore
I don’t trust you anymore
You won’t trust us anyway."
-Left at London, I don't trust you anymore.
Possum: Sorry it took so long for me to update. Lately we've been dealing with a lot of mental health issues, and honestly...really bad family stuff- you wouldn't believe- but we are now seeing a therapist! As some of you know, that's really hard for us due to previous experiences, but it's been going pretty good!
Anyyyywaaaayyyyzzzz I hope you all are doing great!
(Oh! And I'm almost done writing Angel's section- only 2 more chapters left and then...Alastor and Vox's section is happening and I'm very excited!)
I don't love this chapter but I needed to finish it otherwise I'll never keep this going. I've been stuck on this one forever.
This is very much me projecting my feelings into angel here.
It's been hard to write lately...especially the carmilla and Clara stuff because she has a mom that I wish I had growing up. It's a bit hard to write about what I really don't have.
Bye! Love you missed you all!
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