Late Night Musings

[brookeandlex-blog]

Dazzling Shards

This city is a body that never rests

Highways are the veins

Rolling vehicles the steady rush of blood flowing through them

Constant

Never ceasing

Giant limbs of steel

Towering and ruling above

Their flickering lights the eyes that see

Blurring neon the spiraling thoughts of a mind that never settles

How does the soul of this empire stand?

How does it move without a single pause?

It is the cells

The ones who parade its streets

Who drive

Who live

Who breathe within its giant lungs

They keep the heart beating

This soul lures them with their far off dreams

Here lies the X on their treasure map

She holds out dazzling jewels they’ve searched for all their lives

Her glamour draws

Her seducing fluorescent eyes

Here she holds your riches

Eat

Drink

Partake

 She dresses over her wounds

Rolling her sparkling sleeves over her scars

She hangs drapes of silk over broken windows

Her mansion gleams outer grandeur

She buries the mess the walls hold inside

No one cares to open the door

It’s just how she likes it

Admire the lawn and its décor

Envy the luxury that illuminates outside

Don’t bother coming in

The outside is enough to satisfy your wonder

 But wait

What happens when one cell deviates from the rest?

Going against the blood flow

The one that dares to pull the curtain back?

It wanders inside

It touches shards of broken glass

It sees overturned tables

Splintered chairs and peeling walls

It smells the stench of rooms where love has vanished

But these rooms aren’t empty

Cells reside here also

Cells that didn’t make the cut

They are part of her body

She hides them beneath her expensive wardrobe

The steel limbs hide them with their arms

The dazzling lights outshine them

They make up her DNA

But in her shame she makes them invisible

Drawing attention to her jewels

But she can’t hide them forever

Once seen they will never be forgotten

Once touched they will never be unfelt

Once the heart is moved it will never be stagnant

They make themselves known

Slowly they are found among the ash

While she tries to silence them

Their voices rise above the dazzling chaos

There are those who will rest in the lawn and admire from the outside

But there will always be one who dares to turn the golden knob

Who opens the ivory door and steps onto the ash laden floors inside

It will be that one whose eye

Whose heart

Will never be unmoved again

[brookeandlex-blog]

Ramona Gardens

Something that I’ve been a part of while being at the Dream Center is visiting low income housing developments on our weekly outreaches. You might ask, “what the heck does that mean...” That terminology translates into, what we know, as “the projects.” Those neighborhoods people talk about in gang movies and crime dramas that no one you meet would want to spend any amount of time in. 

I’m in love with these neighborhoods.

What. 

Yeah I know. Doesn’t make sense. Why exactly would I love going to neighborhoods that are controlled by gangs, drug dealers, violence and various other criminal activity? Good question. I’m not sure I have an answer. But there’s something about getting off that bus on Saturday, heading over to the playground and seeing kids with all their attitude and sass, waiting for you to join in on their lives for just a couple of hours. 

I’ve spent a good amount of time in a few of these neighborhoods. I go down to the Watts area of Los Angeles every week, doing outreach in the very projects where the most infamous gangs in the country originated, and are still currently active. And I LOVE IT. But the one neighborhood I go to constantly, closer to the Dream Center and maybe not as “popular,” is Ramona Gardens, every Thursday for kids ministry outreach and every Saturday for Adopt a Block. 

Well that’s wonderful Alexis. But how on earth do you ENJOY this?

I’ll tell you a story. 

At Ramona Gardens, I’ve met a large family who’s kids go to our Kids Jam outreach, Adopt a Block outreach, and to occasionally to our church services. There’s about 5 kids who come out, 4 girls and a boy, all under 12. These are the toughest, hardest, most guarded and closed off children I’ve ever met. Usual traits for the kinds of kids you meet in these places. Their home life is broken and they are basically on their own. The attitude I’ve received from this kids is astonishing. Like, how on earth does a child even know how to act like that, astonishing. But after going to RG every week, spending time with them, practically forcing friendly attempts, they open up. They laugh, play, talk, and you start to see the actual pure child inside come to the surface. 

One Saturday at Adopt a Block I was playing with one of the younger girls. I was running around with her on my back, she was laughing, we were having a good time. Just seeing these girls laugh brings so much joy, knowing, or should I say not even knowing, what they face every day. Anyways, while playing, another child got mad at her and hit her. Instantly this girl went from smiling and laughing to a complete breakdown. I sat down with her and we just stayed there. She didn’t say anything. She just sat there crying in my arms. I didn’t know what to say or do to make her feel better. So, I did what I’d been wanting to do for a long time but never got the chance to. I started telling her how much I loved her, how much the volunteers who come out every week love her, and how much God cares for her. I told her how valuable and beautiful she is. With so many of these kids, it’s really hard to see the impact of what you do. You hope and pray that God’s love touches them, but it’s so easy to get discouraged. While I was talking, she didn’t say a word but she was listening. Her little five year old sister came over and stood in front of us, not really saying anything. I was still holding this girl, trying my best to encourage her. I don’t remember exactly what I said, it was something along the lines of remembering how cared for she is when she’s hurting. All of a sudden, her little sister piped up said “Jesus is always with us!”

I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was smile, nod and agree with her. Normally when we’ve talked to these girls individually, about anything, it’s usually greeted with silence, maybe a smile. You think any teaching or encouraging words goes into one ear and flies out the other. But this little girl, who’s pain and brokenness I can’t even imagine, had an answer to her sister’s pain. Deep in her heart the truth was there. She gets it. I don’t know how often she or her family hears this truth. I don’t know if the time we’re out there is the only time they hear about Christ’s love. Either way, I just kept thinking, they get it. They really get it. They’re getting the truth. God’s love IS impacting them whether I see it or not. Even if the surface is hard and seemingly untouchable, God’s truth penetrates even deeper. The simple words of a little girl completely uplifted and restored my hope in that truth. 

My love and passion for the things I’ve gotten the chance to do here might not make sense to everyone. It hardly makes sense to me sometimes. I walk away from children’s church thinking why the heck am I doing this? Most of the time I’m nothing more than a walking talking “STAY IN YOUR SEAT AND STOP TALKING” sign. Sometimes I climb back into the van after Kids Jam wondering if any words stuck to any child at all. But then I remember, that’s not my job. I can’t control what stays in these kids’ hearts. My job is to put it out there, and pray that it sticks. Jesus takes care of the rest, and He doesn’t fail. 

I love the projects. I love these crazy children. At the end of the day I love this super un-glamorous life I get to live. Nothing has made my heart happier. I’m where I belong. This crazy, insane, beautiful life. 

[brookeandlex-blog]

Silver Lake

It’s 12:51 AM. I should be asleep, but my brain is still running fast. Of course writing inspiration always HAS to come in the middle of the night. Figures. It’s been awhile since updated my blog, so I thought I’d go ahead and write what’s on my mind before morning comes and I lose all motivation, because this is something I really want to share. Maybe it’s that exhausted energy speaking, but might as well go for it right?

               To say I’ve come to know lots of things while being at the Dream Center Leadership School is an understatement. Like, massively understated. I could sound all spiritual and say I’ve been stretched and challenged, which is mega true, but what I’ve experienced being here goes beyond our everyday Christianese descriptions. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve made a lot of realizations. One in particular just hit me tonight. Ready? Here goes.

               Life is hard.

               Mind blowing. I know. Try to pick yourself up off the floor. But for real, most of us would come to terms with that from things we’ve gone through ourselves. I’ve had more “oh my gosh this sucks why is this happening right now” moments that I can begin to count, even just being here in LA. That’s part of life. But when I say that I’ve realized life is hard, I’m not talking from the point of view of myself. I’m talking about the lives of others, the people I see day in and day out. I don’t even mean the people I see on outreaches, in the projects, or visiting on the streets in Skid Row. Yes, their lives are obviously extremely hard and anyone can see that. But what I’m talking about are the people I see every single day. The people I live with. The ones I do my ministry tracks with. The ones I go out with. The ones whose rooms I hang out in. The people who are here for the same reasons I am. The more I get to know them, the more I see just how many levels there are in life. How their lives are different. Each one, woven with details unique to everyone else around them. I see from different points of view that growing up is hard. Dealing with yourself is hard. Learning how to navigate the world is hard. Life is hard.

               Like I said, I’ve had my share of young life hard experiences. But for some reason, even at a young age, I knew I could always turn to Jesus. Even when I doubted to the point where I thought I’d never be able to turn back, I turned back to God anyway, because I had no other option. Jesus was the only thing I knew. He was the only answer I had. In all those moments, I ended up back at Christ. That’s not typical. But I don’t think I've ever been as grateful to have lived that life as I am now. Because I know people who didn’t have that. Jesus wasn’t the first option. Something else was. Something that grabbed the attention first, because who was Christ anyway? I look around at the people I get to do this thing with, and I see the millions of different directions life can split off into. But somehow, some way, we all ended up here. At the same time. The same place. There’s no way for me to believe there’s no reason for it.

               Besides the personal revelation God is showing me, what I’m most grateful for being here is that God is opening up my eyes to so many different sides of life. Guys, there is so much more than what you’re living right now. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’m surrounded by people from completely different walks of life. We’ve all been stuffed inside a huge old building and made to work together every single day. Why does this work? JESUS. If I’m honest, I’ll say that back home, my view of life with God was simple. Yes I learned so much from so many different avenues, but it was simple. My view of God was simple. Now, after spending five months here at the Dream Center, I’ll humbly admit that I really don’t know God as well as I thought. But he sure as heck knows me. I can also see now how small my view of the world was. I mean, I had good enough reason. Living in the suburbs for twenty years, two states, not a whole lot of exposure to outside life. But now I’m on my own, and I see the compilation of character traits, the complexity of just basic living from person to person. It blows my mind. The last thing I’ll say, is that I’ve realized just how much I love people. I always knew I was a people person, but being here is making me see how much. I genuinely LOVE people. I love stories. I love hearing how so and so ended up in this place and that place. It fascinates me. Being surrounded by so many different people and learning about them, even if it’s just noticing something small, is like finding a bunch of hidden treasure spread out and buried underneath the ground. It’s a vast, unending and beautiful discovery.

               Life is hard, but I am seeing Jesus in new ways I NEVER could have imagined. He shows me how strong he is. How truly powerful he is. How absolutely nothing could stop him from going after someone. He’s showing me that his love is passionate. Ragingly passionate. He is gentle, but he is fierce. It’s a fierce, intense, startling love that will completely shift a person’s life.

               I couldn’t ask for a better discovery.  

[brookeandlex-blog]

Santa Monica

Right now I’m sitting in a minimalistic café, sipping the remnants of an iced caramel latte and listening to Ed Sheeran. Yesterday I ventured downtown to the Belasco club to attend a service at Hillsong LA. When I walk down the block to get home, I’ll saunter down Sunset Blvd and see the Hollywood Sign off in the distance.

                Tonight, I’ll relax in my non air conditioned and WiFi-less dorm and hang out in the lounge where the ping pong balls constantly go missing. This week I’ll go to the projects and play with kids who’ve seen more violence and hardship and are more street-wise than me. Sometime in the next few days I’ll also haul a massive bag of clothes to the Laundromat. I’ll stand on the Dream Center parking lot, looking at that infamous landmark on the mountain, knowing all the glamour of Los Angeles that sits underneath, while standing right in the middle of a neighborhood not a whole lot of people would actually be willing to live.

                Interesting how two extremes can be so close together.

                Los Angeles is a place of seemingly unattainable glamour, joy, money and shiny things. But if you look closely, you’ll see a whole lot of dirt and grime in the middle of those shiny things. Step on enough stars on Hollywood Blvd and you’ll step in front of someone with no money asking you to share yours. Walk a couple blocks away from that beautiful Belasco and you’ll end up on Skid Row. But you wanna know something funny? As enticing and fun as it is cruise downtown and take in the city around you, there’s something lovely about stepping onto a neighborhood in Compton knowing that kids are waiting for you there. In the moment, it doesn’t seem like anything. You’re here to do your job and that’s it. But then you sit in a coffee shop trying to figure out how to update your friends back home and you realize what you’ve actually been doing for the past month. To be perfectly honest, it doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything spectacular. I guess it’s not supposed to. Because it’s not about me. It’s so easy to say these things and feel like I’m only saying them for the recognition, but that’s not the case. What happens here at the Dream Center is just too amazing not to share with everyone you know. These experiences are only what I’m doing. It doesn’t even begin to cover what the other 700 people on campus, including all of the programs other than DCLS, are doing.

                I’d also love to share with you what God’s been doing in my life. But I can’t. Because I have no idea. I’m being totally serious. This past month has been a whirlwind of crazy chaotic who-knows-what and I LOVE it. Of course it’s hard to love not having your usual commodities (finding an unsecured WiFi hotspot has never felt so rewarding) but the amazing things that are happening to me and around me are too crazy and mixed up to even explain clearly.

                Last week I spent the afternoon at Santa Monica beach with some friends. While in the water, this fog appeared out of nowhere. It rolled in from the ocean so thick you couldn’t even see the waves ahead. I almost went back up to the shore because I thought I wouldn’t be able to see anything soon. My friend was standing next to me, and we just looked at it trying to figure out where it came from. I looked back toward the shore and saw that the fog already travelled over the water and was heading for city away from the beach. It completely passed over without me realizing it. Soon everything was perfectly clear again.

                This past month has been somewhat like that. I can’t really make out what’s happening around me. Sometimes I think I’ll become completely clouded over to the point where I can’t see. But if I just stay where I am and enjoy playing in the water, I look around and realize the clouded chaos didn’t blind me at all. Things are clear again, and I can see. Now I know that when the second fog rolls around, I don’t have to freak out. I’ll let it sweep right over me. This swirl of goodness that feels so strange in the moment is actually refining me, and I don’t even realize that it’s happening. Who knows how many fogs will roll around in the next eight months. I can’t predict or explain any of it, all I can do is stand in the waves and have fun as they crash into me.

                Adventures are made when you don't know the destination. The little small town desert girl might get lost in this urban shuffle, but I’m finding that it’s kind of fun to be lost. 

[brookeandlex-blog]

When God Says Thank You

Recently I've been asking God to make himself more real to me. I believe in Christ completely and wholeheartedly, but I think we all understand those small doubts that linger. It's not necessarily doubting his existence, but sometimes it feels like we have to reach for God at an arms length away. 

A few days ago I was at a weeknight service at my youth church. I was standing up front during worship, engaging and enjoying it. But while I was worshipping I kept fighting against distractions, outside thoughts and feelings and just wasn't 100% focused on worship, even though I tried my hardest to be. I just kept worshipping, and out of the blue, I heard this small voice in my head. 

"Thank you."

Huh? That wasn't me. I know it wasn't because it just came out of nothing, and it stirred me in a way that my own thoughts don't. But that wasn't all. This is what I heard inside of me:

"Thank you for sticking by my side. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know it's hard not knowing what's ahead, so thank you for staying with me."

There was more, but all I can remember right now is being completely bombarded by this unexpected wave of love. Christ was thanking me? It hit me then, he was answering my prayer. He was showing his true self to me. We know the truth about God's unconditional love. We hear it so much it can cease to make an impact. But sometimes, for me at least, it's hard to fully believe that the almighty ruler of the universe is simply and plainly in love with me. But when he whispered those words in my ear, I realized the mutual love we share. Christ is THANKFUL for me. He appreciates me, is grateful for me. ME! A human girl living on this speck of a planet in a corner of space. His heart is moved and he's filled with pleasure because I choose to follow him even though I don't know where it'll lead. Think about it, as young people living in this world today, we have every excuse not to follow God. But when we put that aside, when we say yes to God, even if we doubt, question or slip up, he is so blessed and moved with unimaginable love that we still choose to stay by him. When I realized this that night during worship, all I could say was thank you back. Thank you God for not giving up on me. For staying by me. Jesus isn't far away. He's intimate. It's mutual love. He treasures and respects me, and I love and serve Him.  

Thank you Jesus.

[brookeandlex-blog]

Where I'm From and Where I'm Going

"Where are you from?"

This isn’t exactly a loaded question, unless you’re me. Half of my life was spent in the Golden State, the other half in the Arizona desert. So if I hear the question, “Where did you grow up?” you can expect “Um…well…uh…” as a response. It’s hard to say for sure when you spent your childhood in one state and your tween and teen years in another. Even though I enjoy living here in the southwest, I’ve always felt connected to my “original” California home.

Now I’m living out my tenth year here and getting ready to go back. I can’t explain how excited I am. I’m heading to Los Angeles for an internship with the LA Dream Center. Ministry? In LA? I know, sounds crazy. That’s exactly why I’m so excited to go. I’ve been in love with LA ever since I was little. When my family would take road trips through southern California I was so excited to go through the city. And if our actual destination was IN Los Angeles, well, talk about best trip ever. Now my somewhat “adult” self is jumping into my childhood dream, and it’s by the grace of God that it’s happening. It’s pretty ridiculous to think about. About this time last year all I wanted was to jump on a plane and start my life in the City of Angels. God had to get a hold of me and make me sit still. I guess it was a good thing I didn’t have the resources to go out on my own, because apparently I wasn’t supposed to be there yet. But now I’m seeing the beginning stages of what’s about to happen, and I can hardly contain my excitement.

As for what comes next? I have no idea. I’m not there yet and I’m not totally sure just how I’ll get there. I’m holding a flashlight in a dark tunnel and I can only see as far ahead as the light shines. But I’m walking forward with only high expectations. I’m looking forward to seeing what I find.

Love, Alexis