Last minute weekend trip to Portland with my coworker/very close friend/previous situationship (yes that one) . I’m supposed to be moving here in September in the wake of my entire life back home changing almost beyond recognition and I’m clawing desperately at something that feels new to start my life over. Except Portland is not new- I was born here and I grew up in a suburb on the WA side of the Columbia 25 minutes away. Everywhere I go here I’m haunted by ghosts of my teenage years, years of my life that I feel like I’m still emotionally tormented by, years of my life that I’m still running from.
Last night at Mt. Tabor I looked out over the city lights and sobbed because this is not in any way shape or form where I want to start my life over. But almost half of my closest friends are moving here and I have an absolutely incredible housing situation lined up, a housing situation that would be really really creatively motivating and emotionally stable living with two of my best friends. I don’t have a job lined up yet and I am fucking terrified at the idea of settling for something I hate so I can survive.
I cried when I realized that if I was moving here with my ex I would be so excited and happy. I miss them and think of them constantly. I’m 24 and trying to figure out what to do with my life and how to get what I want with the hand I’ve been dealt and I thought I would be on this journey with them. We were in a relationship for 4 years, we met when we were 19 and we grew up together. I broke up with them 4 months ago because even though they are an amazing and loving person and my best friend in the entire world, I was also their mother more than their partner, and I couldn’t do that to myself anymore. It still kills me. The idea of building a life with anyone other than them makes me feel sick. And I’m leaving them behind in the small college town where we met.
And I’m here visiting with the girl I fell in love with immediately after that breakup, my first sapphic relationship, the first time I’ve felt attraction to anyone in this way, and she broke my heart too. But I love her too much to remove myself from her life. Nobody makes me laugh like she does. I still find her so beautiful, I’m trying to exist in this friendship without it eating me up from the inside. She’s moving to Portland in September too.
I want to move to Seattle, but I don’t want to live with strangers. I want to go back to school but I don’t have the money. I want to be happy but I don’t know how. So all I do is cry
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