Brown instead of Blue

[browninsteadofblue]

And you wonder

Parade me around as your trophy of love

But tell them how I’m not good enough

How I am too thin

How I need to have kids

And you wonder why I stay far away from all this

Pull focus on me, your beacon of pride

Then tell me which parts you need me to hide

How I won’t eat meat

How I want no wife

And you wonder why I’ve started a whole new life

Ask me what’s wrong like you don’t have a clue

Because I can’t tell you that it could be you

How you make me feel shame

How you make me feel guilt

And you wonder why I’m crying over the milk you’ve spilled.

I don’t feel safe

I feel like I’ve disgraced you

And I don’t feel safe to share

I feel like that would break you.

And you wonder.

Joseph Youssef // 2023

[browninsteadofblue]

A warm bath to soothe the muscle ache.

Three days of exercise is all I can take.

Three years, this November, since I saw you last.

Time is moving so slow and we’re aging so fast.

How early is too early to medicate?

If you’re hearing me cough, then it’s probably too late.

Three hours or so of time in the sky

Because the planes aren’t flying, so why can’t I?

Lately I’ve felt like some sort of imposter.

Three minute phone calls are all I can muster.

You’d find my guilt if you chose to go digging,

But Aren’t you so grateful we get to keep working?

I’m completely fine. I’m inside.

I’m completely fine. I’m inside.

I’m completely fine. I’m inside.

Joseph Youssef // 2021

[browninsteadofblue]

[browninsteadofblue]

It’s a Sin

[browninsteadofblue]

Self portrait

[browninsteadofblue]

Day and Night

[browninsteadofblue]

Hopelessly Devoted To You

[browninsteadofblue]

[browninsteadofblue]

dontyoudaredowhathedidtome

“Whats new?” she asked hoping I’d say ‘wife’ Instead, my response was A mouthful of lies. “Whats news ?” She asked Hoping I’d say “kids” Instead I said nothing, instead, I told fibs.

"Why not?” she asked She knew she was right but desperately hoped to be proved otherwise. “What’s wrong?” she asked not wanting the truth The secrets I’ve kept, since the days of my youth. “Are you?” she pried I blurted out “yes” Head under water, holding my breath. “You’re not!”, she cried, followed by the plea: “Don’t you dare do what he did to me.” Don’t you dare do what he did to me. Don’t you dare do what he did to me. Don’t you dare do what he did to me. Don’t you dare.

[browninsteadofblue]

weeds.

Instead of a tree.

I am weeds

Pulled out of the ground, I was taking up space .

The wind sweeps me up to find my next place.

Mind slower than body,  can’t keep up with the pace.

Why must I race?

And just when It seems I’ve arrived at home.

You’re not there.

I’m alone.

[browninsteadofblue]

a sensory method

I have filled my eyes with scenery and now I cannot see my home. I’ve listened to so much music, I can’t remember my favourite song. First, absorb everyone's feelings, Then, forget about your own and then decide. I've tasted so much sugar and deprived my tongue of bitter. I’ve burnt all of the incense To mask the smell of litter.  When you surround yourself with people, There’s no way to be alone, Unless you hide.

[browninsteadofblue]

#manbunmonday #scruff #me #beard #instabeard #beardsofinstagram #otter #blackandwhite #manbun

[browninsteadofblue]

Competition Complex

It shouldn't be a competition But if I don't compete, Will we ever be complete? Will I ever be your prize, Rather than a piece of meat? Will the contact of our eyes hold strong, or be fleeting? As with every other time that we meet.

And when I lose Will you care? Will you even be aware? Does insensitivity have the ability to hear me out ? I’ll keep you Out of sight, out of mind. Somewhere dark and hard to find. Wrapped in these words to remind you Of my defeat.

[browninsteadofblue]

I couldn’t pretend to comprehend and so I made an excuse to hang up the phone. Id rather be alone. “we’re seeing each other” You said. my head exploded. I didn’t want to know. The conversation needed to end. ”I have to go” You asked me to visit soon I said I might,  But I won’t.

[browninsteadofblue]

you can’t choose your family

I’d never felt at ease in the water. From a young age, I inherited the fears of my mother. It took me 26 years to discover, that I don’t need to wait ‘til I’m drowning to make the decision to swim. I’d never embraced my colour. I associated race with the sins of my father. Then at 26 years I uncovered. I don’t need to be any paler, to make sure that I am not him. I’ve never taken a lover. Couldn’t have the world know I loved the same as my brother. So, at 26 years I would wonder: Why who you love should even matter, not HOW you show love to them. I’ve always been somewhat of a giver. An attempt to contradict the leeching ways of my sister. But 27′s too young to be bitter. So instead i’ll try love my family.  Instead, I Decide  To Forgive.

[browninsteadofblue]

I got some #dungarees and a #haircut ... . . . #me #scruff #beard #instabeard #beardsofinstagram #otter #curlyhair #denim #overalls #skinfade

[browninsteadofblue]

The rug that I've tended to sweep everything under forms a mountain of silence in my living room. I'm too self-conscious to speak, so I sweep and I sweep. You're too judgmental to listen.