Living Fearlessly

[bryza-rose-blog]

6 Days...

I remember when I was younger and I had no idea what dreaming really was. Leaving Minnesota wasn’t even a possibility in my little mind. But here I am, a decade later, preparing to leave my home to start a new life in the state of New York. Just the thought of this new adventure fills me with so much joy.

The whole reason I wanted to stay in Minnesota before was because it was secure. I would have my family near by and I knew the place. There was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to push me out of my comfort zone. But over the last couple years I have made a vow to myself and to God that I would push myself as far out of my comfort zone as I could. So staying in Minnesota wasn’t an option for me. I was determined to find a wonderful school outside of Minnesota that loved God and that had the degrees that I wanted, and I found it.

When I visited Nyack College a number of months ago, I remember feeling at home. And I was blown away by how loving everyone was, and how much they all loved God. I knew that it was where I belonged. I knew I could grow there and it was jut far enough out of my comfort zone that I would HAVE to grow.

So here I am, 6 days away from beginning the drive to New York. To my future. Although I’m nervous, I’m mostly excited. For so long I had felt like I was suffocating myself, but when I was at Nyack it was as if I could breath again. It gave me hope for the future and motivation to chase after my dreams.

But honestly guys, I couldn’t have done it without all of my friends and family, even the people that hurt me. If it wasn’t for all of you guys I wouldn’t be the strong, stubborn, dreamer that I am. If it wasn’t for you guys I would have been just fine with not pushing myself. I would have been comfortable with being comfortable. But you guys have given me the motivation and the desire to push myself past my limits, and moving 1,200 miles is just the first step. And I am so incredibly blessed to know so many wonderful people that I know will always have my back no matter where I go. And I’ll be that sappy person that says out of everyone, they’re most thankful for their family. I am truly blessed with a family that supports me no matter, that wants to see me thrive, that won’t tell me who to be or what to do but rather they believe in me and my dreams even when others don't.

And although it seems like I will be far away for a long time, if you really think about it I’m not THAT far off. I mean really I’ll only be a text message or phone call away. Plus I have Skype now so I will probably be on Skype more than anything else. But please don’t be afraid to call. I have a feeling that I’ll be appreciating and missing Minnesota more than ever the first couple weeks of school. Because although New York is exciting and new, nothing can really beat good old Minnesota. I will miss the creepily friendly conversations that we have with complete strangers, the 20 minute good-byes, our own little lingo, the fact that everyone forgets how to drive on the first snowfall, and that we can get as cold as Antarctica, and all of the wonderful little towns we have. Heck, I may even miss the cornfields!

But yeah... 6 more days and then I won’t be back for a while. Remember, only a phone call away. And although I can’t give you a place to stay, if anyone wants to make the trek out to New York I will gladly hang out with you and pretend I know my way around the place. But I apologize in advance if you trust me with the bus/train/taxi system and we end up in Canada.

So in 6 days I will be kissing the past good-bye and driving straight for the future. 3 days after leaving I’ll be moving in and 3 days after move-in I’ll be starting classes. If anything exciting happens I’ll be sure to post. If not, you probably won't hear from me on social media for a while. 

[bryza-rose-blog]

I have been called "tiny" and "too skinny" countless times. Usually I get called this after I say something about how I'm not hungry, how I want to eat healthier, or after I say I want to start working out. And it has gotten to the point where I'm actually too afraid to talk about eating/working out in front of people because I know that they are going to say these things to me. But here is why I hate when people call me that: 1. When I was younger and very insecure, I depended on people to define who I was. I didn't want society to define me, but I wanted the people around me to. When I was called "too skinny" I felt guilty and ashamed, like that was unnatural. I had never tried to lose weight, it was just the way God made me. But I thought it was wrong. So pretty much I had the opposite experience that most girls have. I thought being skinny in the Christian world was bad or something, like if you were skinny it automatically meant you were trying to live up to society's standards. I know it doesn't make sense, but when you are young and still trying to figure life out you come up with some weird beliefs. Especially when people you love and respect tell you that you're too skinny. (Generally when you put "too" in front of an adjective it means it's a negative thing.) 2. I am not too skinny. I am the same way God created me to be. I have the capability of eating a large pizza all by myself if I want, but generally I choose not to. And it's not because I'm afraid of gaining weight, it's because I want to take care of my body. What you put in your body affects a lot more than just your weight, it affects how you develop and function. And I have every right to not eat a large pizza if I don't want to. How dare people act like they have a right to tell me what I do and don't need. If I want to work out, eat healthy, etc., then my gosh I will and you don't have a right to have an opinion. 3. Sometimes when you say something to someone enough times, they begin to believe it. When I was younger I came very close to believing that I actually had an eating disorder even though I didn't, but enough people had referred to my "skinniness?" in a negative way that I was convinced I must have one. I remember actually having moments where I would be tempted to skip a meal because I figured that it was how I got to be the way I was and if gaining weight was bad then I guess I would just have to "continue" this fantasy eating disorder that I didn't have. I never actually gave into it. It wasn’t because I caught myself, however, it was because Jesus caught me. He was the one who pointed out the trap I was about to give into, the trap that Satan had set up using the people in my life. It sounds really weird and messed up, but it's true. It's like when you call someone stupid enough times that they believe they're stupid and begin to act like it.

I understand that eating disorders are real and very dangerous, but unless you witness me throwing up, skipping meals, etc. then you have no right to even talk about my weight. I DO NOT starve myself. I eat like a bajillion meals a day. And I am sick and tired of feeling guilty about being "skinny". Like that shouldn't even be a thing guys. People who lose a lot of weight get a round of applause for working so hard, but people who are born "skinny" are referred to as "too skinny" like they are trying to please society. And if they mention treating their body with more respect then they had before, people assume they're trying to starve themselves. Eating healthy and working out is not always about losing weight guys, sometimes it's just about making sure your body has the nutrients it needs to function properly. And that's all I want. I don't really care what my weight is, I just want to be healthy. And that's okay, even for someone who, according to most, is "too skinny". So I won't put up with skinny shaming anymore. If you have a problem with it, well... you don't have a right to have a problem with it.

[bryza-rose-blog]

The Closing Of This Chapter

I am starting to realize that I’m moving. I mean, I’ve always known that I’d be moving. But it’s beginning to hit me that I’m REALLY moving. And I know as time goes on, it will only become more and more real. 

I feel a flurry of emotions as I see all of these boxes and suitcases in my bedroom. A sadness and joy that I can’t quite describe filled me as I packed away my life. I am so excited to start this next chapter, yet I feel sad to watch this one close. My life in Minnesota is coming to an end, and my life in Nyack, New York is so very close to beginning. And I’m SO ready for this new adventure, but I will always love this dear, bipolar state that I’ve called home for nearly 18 years. I’ll miss the Minnesota nice with our infuriating passive aggressiveness. I will miss the small cities that we call big ones, the corn fields that I can always depend on to be there, and the fact that Minnesota can never quite make up it’s mind on the weather. But even so, I’m excited for this new chapter. I’m ready for this new adventure. I’m ready to discover who I am, meet new and hopefully wonderful people, and experience new experiences. I’m excited to figure out where God wants to take me in this crazy life of mine and experience the changes that are bound to occur over the next couple years of my life. And I know this is going to sound weird, but I can’t wait to start classes. I guess that’s just what happens when you get to study something you have a passion for at a place that you absolutely love. 

So here’s to childhoods, graduating, and college. Here’s to chapters ending and new ones beginning. And here’s to life and the crazy places it takes us. *Pretends to clink my nonexistent drink with a nonexistent friend’s nonexistent drink*

[bryza-rose-blog]

Once upon a time there was a young girl struggling with who she was. In all honesty she used to hate herself. She was ready to give up on life. Nothing ever went right for her. She felt alone... whether that was because of her own walls or because no one cared to dig deeper than the surface, she will never know, but it left a wound deeper than you can ever imagine.

For many years this girl pretended to be happy and did her best to make herself look like she enjoyed life, all the while she kept her walls up high so no one could ever see over. If you had seen her behind closed doors, you would have never been able to tell that the two were the same person.

She used to ask God why she was never good enough, or why she wasn’t “normal”, why she was always the one with problems. Apparently she thought everyone else was perfect. 

But many, many years later this young girl came to a realization. All of those years she had believed that she had made God the King over her life but the truth was that she had let depression, insecurities, and anxiety take His place. I remember this young girl crying herself to sleep that night when she realized that she had been so determined to build her safety walls around herself that she had blocked everyone and God Himself out.

But that young girl has turned into who I am today. I am graduating from high school and moving to New York in a couple of months. On September 18th I legally become an adult. On September 6th, I will be officially moved out and will officially no longer be living in Minnesota. The crazy thing is that 3 years ago I was ready to give up on life. I had actually asked God to take my life, because that’s how much I hated who I was. But I am so grateful that He saw the light at the end of the tunnel, a light that my depression had blocked, and that He had stood outside my walls ready to help whenever I called for Him. And even though I had rejected Him, He came back every single time I needed Him. I don’t deserve the love He has given me, but I sure am grateful for it.

Honestly it’s taken me two years to get to the point where I am today, where I actually sometimes like myself, and I take none of the credit. It was all God. I gave up my depression and insecurities, I fought them and I let God fight them and between the two of us, we kicked their butts (but in reality it was all God, I was kind of just along for the ride). The throne in this little heart of mine has been given back to the One it truly belongs to, God. And somehow I have managed to come up with a dream of who I might become, a person that is happy and at peace with who she is. A person that no longer cares what the world thinks but rather seeks out what God thinks. A person who wakes up talking with God and falls asleep talking with Him. That is my dream and one day it may become a reality, but for now I’m taking it one step at a time.

And now, I know many of you have already heard this part of my life. I’m not re-sharing it for any specific reason, I just figured it’s something many can relate to. But I also want to say to those who struggle with similar things, God is the only answer. You can go to therapists and get put on medication and try to fix it yourself and let other people try to fix you, but it will all amount to nothing without God. Trying to fix your depression and insecurities and anxiety without going to God is like trying to get a boat to go on dry ground, impossible and honestly kind of stupid. Therapy and medication and your own effort will only work if you have the glue to make it all stick together, which in case you didn’t catch it, it’s God. 

I guess there are 2 things I want you to understand:

1. For those who struggle with similar stuff: Go to God. He will give you healing. He will fight your battle for you but you have to let Him in.

2. For those who don’t: HAPPINESS IS EASY TO FAKE. It doesn’t take that much to smile and fake a laugh and say, “I’m great!” Trust me. I did it for 4+ years. You need to get to know people and understand that people BUILD WALLS. You can’t go over the wall and you can’t go around it so somehow you have to convince them to let you go through it.

[bryza-rose-blog]

The Last 2 Months.

So a lot of you know that a few months ago I was supposed to get corrective jaw surgery on my jaw. I’ve been planning this for the last 2 years, and of course when I was finally ready to get the surgery (you have to move your teeth around... it’s weird), my insurance company decided they didn’t want to cover it. And that begins the insanely hectic last 2 months of my life.

After we found out the insurance company wouldn’t cover the surgery, we wanted to get further documentation about why I needed this surgery. I mean, we knew why I needed the surgery. I can’t eat certain foods because it’s either painful or impossible to chew, it hurts when I so much as yawn, and it’s really annoying having to worry about whether my jaw will start to hurt all of the time. But we needed a doctor to say all of this, to say that the surgery would help the pain and the issues... So we went to a specialist in TMJ. Of course we thought it would be 1 visit and that she would just write a pretty letter and give it to us so we could get the show on the road, but that’s not exactly what happened.

 The specialist didn’t even look at an X-Ray before she told me that she was extremely concerned about the stability of my jaw joints, and that she was worried that the surgery would wreck them. When she took the X-Ray, she was even more worried. So to be safe I had to start physical therapy, take 2 MRI’s (the first one got messed up because of my braces so I had to go back in for a second one), and go see a Rheumatologist.  All of these appointments were spread throughout a 3 week period, and by the time it was all over with, we went back to see the TMJ Specialist and she gave us the okay for the surgery. So after all of this waiting, we will be appealing my insurance company’s decision and hopefully we’ll have this surgery done before I leave for college...

But your prayers would be very much appreciated. I will be working a lot this summer and I have my grad party, not to mention I have to pack because I’m moving to New York, but we still need to figure out when this surgery can happen. The surgery will require me to be down for 3 weeks, and I still won’t be completely healed for 9 months (and by completely, I really do mean completely. I’ll be fine after a couple of months, but it takes 9 months for it to be completely healed). It’s going to be long, painful, and insanely stressful, but I’m trusting God. I know that He’s got a plan and I’m not all that scared of what could happen. Lately, it feels like I’ve been having a lot of worst case scenarios, but I know that once you hit rock bottom you can only go up.

I’m definitely not scared about the surgery, but I am scared about the healing part. I mean I have no doubt that I will be pretty miserable, especially since I won’t be able to chew for a while so I’ll be stuck “eating” smoothies for ages... But once it is all over, I will finally be able to eat whatever I want and yawn without pain. Never thought I’d be this excited to yawn, but I am. 

[bryza-rose-blog]

Who am I? That’s a question I have asked myself my whole life. Although many would have no trouble answering this question, I have always struggled with it. Growing up as a Pastor’s kid, who I was had always been decided for me. I was a “nice, young lady” and a “good Christian girl”. I was “sweet, never could hurt a fly, kind” Bryza. I was once even called responsible and happy. I’m not saying I can’t be nice or happy or responsible, but it was always said in such a decided way. That’s who I was expected to be. This perfect, fictional Bryza was who I, an imperfect and very real human being, had to live up to.

When I was little, it was extremely easy to meet people’s expectations. But as time went on, it got harder. I remember plenty of nights when I would just cry myself to sleep because I couldn't live up to people’s standards. When I wasn't one of those impossible qualities, I felt like I had failed everyone. But every day I woke up and I continued on with the charade. It might have destroyed me, but I figured everyone else knew best. The problem was that I never let myself really grow. I was trying to be perfect in every aspect before I had even managed to master washing my face twice a day. And after years of heartache and emotional destruction, I went to a beautiful country called Peru.

I know when we think beautiful, we think of what we can see. But Peru was beautiful to me in a very special way, it was beautiful because it was a life changing experience. For the first time in 16 years, no one had any expectations for me. In fact, no one could even understand a word I spoke. We communicated using the simple Spanish that I knew, as well as through our translators, but we mostly communicated in smiles, games, and pointing. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. Everything there was simple; simple living, simple love for one another, simple acceptance. No one knew me as the Bryza who was a Pastor’s kid, or the Bryza who was always kind and happy and responsible. No one expected me to act twice my age. They just expected me to be me. And that’s when I had to take a serious look at my life and ask myself, “Who am I?” And then the journey to discovering who I am began.

Now, two years later, I cannot give you a definite answer to who I am, but I can tell you who I’m not. And who I’m not may surprise some of you, but it’s about time you meet the real me.

-I am not flawless. 

Just like any human, I have my flaws. Both physical, emotional, and spiritual. You know, sometimes I really don’t want to read my Bible. Sometimes I struggle praying to God because I get distracted by Instagram and Twitter. Sometimes my hair decides it wants to be just like it’s distant cousin, the lion’s mane. Sometimes my mascara even smears a little. But that is just a part of life. When it comes to spiritual things, God always brings me back to Him. When it comes to crazy hair or smeared makeup, I have to learn to laugh it off and accept it. But I am NOT flawless.

-I am tempted just like everyone else.

This is something that many people forget. They hear “PK” and automatically think they never go through anything. Like, you don’t think I was tempted to go out and party? Of course I was! But I made a choice. I made a choice to follow the law and honor my parents instead of pursuing empty, earthly desires. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life because I was just “never available”. It hurt, but I knew it was what God wanted me to do so I have come to terms with it.-

-I struggle emotionally just like every other human being.

I HATE when people just overlook me because obviously a Pastor’s kid never has any problems. And you might be like, “Who ever overlooked you?” That’s cute, but let’s be real. How many of you know I struggled with anxiety attacks and depression? I’m not angry about people overlooking it, trust me I get it, it just always made emotional struggles 10x harder. I could have dozens of friends and still be completely alone because nobody would ever take the time to ask, and it really doesn’t help that I’m a beyond private person. It takes a lot more than a, “Hi, how you doing?” to get me to talk about my private struggles. But the point isn’t that I struggled with depression or anything, the point is I STRUGGLE. I’m HUMAN. I’m exposed to the same hurtful words and experiences as the rest of the world. I may have roughly around 864 (add or subtract a few) sermons backing me up, but honestly who even remembers those things? (Totally kidding! Some of those sermons have gotten me through some pretty hard stuff!)-

So I’m not trying to make people feel bad, I just figured it was about time we meet the real me. I am not perfect, but that’s okay. I need a Savior just like you do. I know to some this won’t make sense, but I absolutely love saying that I’m an imperfect, mess of a human that needs Jesus Christ just as much as the people around me. It feels SO good to be able to allow myself to be imperfect without hating myself. I’m not saying I’m giving myself a free pass to go out and sin, but at least now I don’t have to pretend like I never screw up. Because trust me, I do. Jesus has to wash just as many sins in my life as He has to in yours.

[amargedom]

I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.

Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis (via amargedom)

[mishaffection]

Misha’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to me.

Jensen Ackles 

[bryza-rose-blog]

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

Arnold Schwarzenegger

[bryza-rose-blog]

From Bad to Best.

I’d like to give a special shout out to anyone and everyone that gave up on me or simply didn’t show much of an interest in my life because I had “all of the answers”, to those who belittled me with your snotty little comments and always made me feel like I needed to be more than who I already was. Thank you. Because of you, I hit rock bottom. Because of you, I was mentally and emotionally destroyed. But because of you, I met God in a way that I had never known existed. He became so much more than the man upstairs that I worshiped on Sunday’s and Wednesday’s. He became my best friend and my Savior. I went from depending on other people’s acceptance to depending on His acceptance, and I have never been happier. I no longer spend my days trying to change myself, trying to be who everyone wants me to be. I no longer have to pretend to be perfect, or pretend that I have all of the answers. Because I don’t. I break just like everyone else, and God’s cool with that. When I fall on my knees, He picks me back up again. So thank you, people from my past. It’s because of your negativity that so much joy has been brought into my life. I know a lot of this sounds kind of negative, but I truly look back at my past and am grateful for all of it. There was a lot of bad, but lots of good came from it. I thank the Lord every day for the lessons I have learned and the new, and amazing, people that He has placed in my life.

But I would also just like to say that there is a whole misconception about me being a “perfect little Pastor’s kid who has all of the answers” and it’s honestly appalling. I find it very offensive when people say this to me. Yes, I grew up as a Pastor’s kid. Does that make me different from any other teenager? Not at all! I struggle emotionally just like everyone else. I bleed, cry and feel pain just like everyone else. I’m even tempted like every other teenager is. I’m just a small girl in a messed up world where nobody actually takes the time to get to know you. Because honestly if you took the time to get to know me, I would not have to be telling you this.

And next time you guys tell me I should know the answer to a Biblical or Spiritual question, just remember, I didn’t go to Seminary. I’m only just graduating from high school. 

Please remember that everyone is human. Even your Pastor is human. We all struggle and we all feel pain. Never just assume someone is okay because you’ll never know unless you ask.

[bryza-rose-blog]

I remember when I was a little girl & graduating from high school was only a distant dream. Even a year ago, graduating seemed like a lifetime away. But here I am, in 2015, graduating after 13 years of stress and pushing myself past my limits. Now I’m embarking on a bigger journey: college. 

For those of you that know me, you know that I love adventures. I’m the kind of person who feels fear but instead of cowering away, I run straight for it... in a responsible, adult kind of way of course (for those of you who know me really well, please don’t comment on that). I love conquering life and conquering negativity, and that’s what this blog is going to be all about. Living fearlessly. I don’t want it to just be about living fearlessly though, I also want it to be about living fearlessly for God. Because in my life, God is number one. Some people are searching for a reason to live, but I already have mine. Every day I want to live as fearlessly as I can for my Creator. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be good.