I agree with everything @amysubmits says here, but I wanted to add that there’s a popular culture persona of a ‘dominant’ that, like many generalizations and stereotypes, is pretty inaccurate when studied closely, but comes from a true place.
J, my husband and dominant, is a very STOIC man. He doesn’t SHOW feelings outwardly very often. Part of this is just general Person in America, Man in Particular socialization, which is largely harmful bullshit. You know…’boys don’t cry’ and ‘be a man’ and shit like that. But part of it is who he is. He’s naturally very controlled and reserved. And to some people who haven’t taken the time to really know a stoic, controlled person, this can easily read as, ‘He doesn’t care…nothing ever affects him…he’s so cold/hard/tough/disengaged/checked out/heartless/whatever.’ As a submissive even, in person, I am a pretty mysterious, stoic person too. And I’ve heard those same adjectives and assumptions often used to describe J (and dominants in general) to describe me. But they’re all untrue. At least in my case, and J’s as well.
J cares super deeply for me. He is constantly thinking about me, our family, our life together, our relationship, how to make the best decisions for all of us to survive and thrive and succeed. And in order to do that, he HAS to care about my needs and desires and feelings (and my son’s…and what’s going on in our extended family/group of friends/community and world at large). D/s in general, and dominance in particular, in my opinion, CANNOT be practiced by people who don’t care. Kink sure can. But D/s =/= kink. There are people who practice D/s who never touch kink and there are people who practice kink who never touch D/s. And all of that’s fine if that’s what you’re into. But a person using a ‘dominant’ label excuse cavalier and hurtful…maybe even abusive…behavior toward another person by claiming that dominants are ‘supposed to’ act insensitive and unempathetic to submissives is trying to sell a vulnerable submissive on their own selfish, shitty motives while eliminating guilt.
Like Amy said, if you are into degradation/humiliation/objectification type kinks and want to practice that with your partner, go for that. Cool. Not my personal cup of tea, but you do you. The thing is though? I know people who are into those kinks from both sides of the D/s slash, who are of varying genders, and all of them, to a person, want (maybe NEED) to know their partner cares about them and need their partner to know they are cared about…BEFORE that play ever happens. That’s what makes it ‘play.’
Dominants do not have to be or even act insensitive to their submissives. Ever. J is not insensitive to me. Ever. In fact, he is the person most caring and sensitive to me in my life, and has been since the literal moment we met.
He doesn’t cry with me when I am crying. He doesn’t beat the shit out of people who have hurt or wronged me. He doesn’t shower me with gifts. He’s not huge on grand gestures and public displays of affection. He’s a stoic, controlled man. But that doesn’t mean he’s insensitive and doesn’t care about me, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings, needs, and desires of his own. That’s mythology about dominants that I will admit perhaps comes from a place in reality. But it’s NOT reality. Dominance is a grand act of care and emotional sensitivity. It just may not LOOK LIKE a Byron poem or a bed of roses.
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