I sat down after taking half a pill to meditate.
Everything was going well to start with, but then after the initial rush of serotonin passed, came what I’ve been running from for the last few days. My brain just went into overdrive and the thoughts came tumbling in.
What have I done in my life to deserve this amount of pain? I always say that everybody has their own issues, and everyone else’s problems are just as big as mine if not bigger. But tonight I’m sitting here thinking, why me? What did I do? All my life I’ve been abused and broken by the people I held dearest, and by strangers. And now, my own body is turning on me. It started with the depression, then came the anxiety, and now my organs aren’t working properly. The fundamental part of being a woman is childbearing. And I want the chance to carry my baby, nurture my baby, bring my baby up with my significant other, or indeed alone. And why does God get to take that away from me? What have I done. I feel as though every time I take a step forward I take ten steps back. Who’s going to love and want someone who can’t carry a child? Who is going to love and want someone who is so unstable and sometimes can’t even get out of bed? I lash out at those closest to me, and I think it’s because I’m afraid they’re one day going to grow tired of the long list of problems I have. Because who wants to spend time with someone who isn’t happy? Tonight is the closest I’ve come to contemplating suicide in a few months, and I wonder if I keep coming back to this solution if one day it might be the right choice to make. What life am I going to have if i can’t nurture a baby? It’s all I want. Why can’t I have just one thing I want?
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