professional bed-rotter

this is where i scream into the void

[moonagedaydreamsofrhiannon]

every single social interaction i’ve ever had feels like wearing a giant flashing neon sign that says “I DON’T BELONG” in all caps and everyone around me can see it

[bunneechan]

I feel this I literally just vented here because of an interaction I just had I hate this feeling so much 😭😭😭

[bunneechan]

I keep thinking about the word 'crippling anxiety.'

The crippling part most of all.

It really hinders me from being so... Normal.

I don't want to sound like a pick-me but even before I knew of the word, I had always found female friendships/socializing so hard.

Mostly on my part. I feel so conscious and awkward. I feel so intimidated by them.

Why do I feel this way? I do not like it. I want to be normal. I want to be like the others when they can just talk so freely and socialize like they're sisters.

Why is it so hard for me? Why am I not like them? I want to be like them but I find it so hard.

To the point where it really cripples me. It makes me so helpless and alone.

I don't want to be helpless anymore. I just want to be normal.

[bunneechan]

I don't understand office culture sometimes. Be part of the group, a joke happens, I let out a chuckle, someone points out I laughed like I'm gonna be in trouble.

It's still for laughs though and it's just a throwaway line I guess. But it happened like twice today. Was I not supposed to laugh at all? Why was I even there if I was just supposed to keep quiet?

Could be a cultural thing. But being new to a group which has already spent a significant amount of time together, practically like family, is so isolating despite their efforts to welcome me. I'm not part of their conversations, inside jokes, shared history... PH office culture sucks because it requires a level of socializing I dreaded since I was a kid.

So much effort on my part to act like an adult, to be taken seriously, and somehow I still feel like a little kid in their world.

What am I doing wrong...

[bunneechan]

Cool that I have work, terrible that socializing is a part of it.

I get it. Socializing is gonna happen whether I like it or not but the thing is, I don't like when it's a little forced.

Like no, mom, I don't want to go to my boss' daughter's 18th on Valentine's Day. I don't want to mingle with office-related people when I could just go on a date with my bf.

I just want to do my work and not have to deal with chatting.

Maybe I'm just weird. But I just really can't fit in properly like how other people are, when they just seamlessly integrate themselves into new groups and form bonds. For as long as I can remember, this is my weakness. It makes me nervous and almost space out. As much as I recognize that socializing is definitely helpful, I just can't see myself doing it so much.

The problem is people don't seem to understand this. It's bad enough they have such expectations from me because they know my family.

[keisaraz1]

Hugs 💞

[bunneechan]

i just watched Golden Kamuy and i couldn't stop thinking about this

[bunneechan]

i finally realized why Invisigal being a double agent bothered me so much. because when they were at the bar, she had the audacity to tell Robert to just "tell them who you are." basically, she wanted Robert to be honest with the Z-Team meanwhile, she wasn't.

she was having dreams about Robert as if he wasn't going to question her augments, she still really wanted him. it's kinda funny when I think about it she is such a mess.

like, her powers are already a cosmic joke on its own but she's really not helping herself by smoking lol

[bunneechan]

cute couple ideas: doing hero stuff in your boyfriend's mech suit while he does hero stuff with your magic gem

[bunneechan]

comments about Dispatch i've seen that live rent-free in my head:

"this proves the superhero genre is not dead. it's just that the salamanders at the top of the foodchain are undead."

"this entire show is an HR nightmare and i'm ok with that because HR is a nightmare and they deserve nightmares."

Who is the best girl? "Behold the power of TWO SAVE FILES"

[bunneechan]

getting introduced to a character like Flambae and you just know he's going to have one of the best character developments ever so you tolerate him being an asshole in the early episodes until the finale comes and you realize it was all worth the wait

[bunneechan]

realizing Waterboy didn't stutter as much as he did before by the time of the finale

[bunneechan]

Coupé was so much more intimidating as a villain compared to Sonar. the augments for Sonar were cool and all but i just think the villain route seemed out of character for him, especially with how close him and Malevola are.

for Coupé, the villain route felt so natural for her. plus the augments upgraded her arsenal which made her even scarier.

i do like how both of them in their villain routes referred to Blonde Blazer as Mom and Robert as Dad. it's pretty funny.

[bunneechan]

never really thought much about Sonar at first other than he's pretty cool and voiced by penguinz0

but man, everytime he rolls up his sleeves though...

charismatic guy in a suit who rolls up his sleeves... (⁠｡⁠・⁠/⁠/⁠ε⁠/⁠/⁠・⁠｡⁠)

[bunneechan]

the image of Robert pulling aside Punch Up to tell him about Toxic is so funny to me because the way Punch Up squared up to that guy was way too arranged for it to be a coincidence

[bunneechan]

Dispatch but you get to keep everyone and even meet with the downtown team and form an even bigger found family

[bunneechan]

anyone else felt vindicated when it's revealed that Blonde Blazer was never connected to Shroud at all?

some people were so quick to theorize that she's Shroud's daughter or that she's some sort of double agent. it makes me so happy that she had no twist to her character.

she's just a dork named Mandy who is hardwired to do good and save the world with an external source of power—very much like Robert himself.

[bunneechan]

perfect! another found family to add to my collection!