Bunny Reviews: Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)
Let me preface this review by saying that I’m a huge Harley Quinn fan, like every other ex-emo e-girl (I cringe at my past self on the daily). I’ve always liked her insanity and edgy outfits, although I like to think that now I appreciate her complexity. Well, and the outfits . The Joker I never really cared about - save for Heath Ledger’s epic performance in the Dark Knight. When they announced Jared Leto as the Joker for Suicide Squad? Gag. And then when they released what he looked like? Double gag. To say that movie was a let down for me as a Harley fan would be the understatement of the fucking century. So when I heard that Margot Robbie was producing her own Harley movie, I was beyond excited. But also completely terrified. I was scared it was going to be another Suicide Squad but part of me really hoped Margot cared enough about the character to make her something great. I mean if there was one thing redeemable about Suicide Squad, it was Margot’s Harley. I knew that she really loved and understood what made Harley so great.
And, I must say, I was not disappointed. Birds of Prey is a fucking blast. It’s high energy and colorful, but gory in all the right ways and shines some light on underappreciated DC characters. This movie deserves so much more love. So instead of wasting too much time on how it could’ve been better, let’s talk about some of my favorite things about it. Oh and caution, maybe slight spoilers ahead!
A quick synopsis in case you don’t know: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) tells the story of Harley Quinn after Joker breaks up with her some time after the end of the Suicide Squad plot line. Without Mistah J’s protection, all of the people she’s done wrong are after her and Harley needs to figure out how to fend for herself. One of the many people with a revenge shtick for Harley is Roman Sionis and his creepy af second hand man Victor Zsasz. In order to have her face sliced off, Harley agrees to find a diamond that was stolen from them by a small pickpocket named Cassandra Cain. Along the way, they team up with Dinah Lance (Black Canary), Renee Montoya (a cop trying to bring Roman down), and Helena Bertinelli (Huntress). She also has a hyena named Bruce.
So… why did I love this movie (besides the hyena named Bruce)? Well….
The motherfucking fight scenes
If there’s one thing BOP definitely doesn’t skimp on, it’s fight scenes. There are tons throughout the movie and each brings some insanely unique choreography to the screen. You get to see a variety of weapons like a bat, a hammer, a gun that shoots glitter bombs, a crossbow (not just a bow, Huntress ain’t no Robin Hood)… No fight scene is the same from the last and they’re a treat to watch. Watching Black Canary slam a thug’s head through a car window could never disappoint - trust me. And Harley doing all of her usual acrobatics while fighting dudes on a trampoline is just insanely cool to see. When the 4 of them all fight together, there’s something going on no matter where you look on the screen and each has their own unique fighting style that remains throughout the movie. The choreographers put a lot of care and thought into every move and it really shows.
You can tell a woman made it (thank god)
One of the many cringey things about Suicide Squad, from a very long list of terrible things, was Harley’s ridiculous outfit. Those tiny ass shorts and push up bra with “Daddy’s Little Monster” across her chest? Ew. That shit has male gaze just written all over it. That sort of vibe isn’t present in BOP. Are Harley’s outfits maybe impractical? Probably, but they’re impractical in a way that Harley would want. They’re flashy and full of sequins - not super tight or pushing things up that should be held down. Are the women still all hot? I mean duh, because they’re all just insanely hot no matter what you have them wear but not in a “Hello I am only here because all of my skin is showing” kind of way. They get to look bad-ass and hot at the same time in a “Don’t fuck with me” kind of way. And it’s fucking awesome. It’s one of the most refreshing things about the film.
The few times that a woman is put in a scenario where she’s seen as an object, it comes off as insanely creepy. Roman (played by Ewan McGregor) telling a woman to dance on a table and strip is not meant to come across as a good old sexy time. It’s presented as a harrowing thing to do and just adds to the evil nature of the character. You’re meant to hate him for doing that to a woman.
Also, as an added bonus, in one of the fight scenes Harley skates over to Black Canary to give her a hair tie. That’s something all women know too well and I very much enjoyed that touch. Nothing worse than your hair getting in the way when you’re trying to fight an army.
Huntress
Do I have to add much here? Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Huntress is amazing and the only thing I want is more of her in this movie. Her dry, awkward delivery and that outfit are incredible. Just look at her and go see the movie.
It’s just so very Harley
There’s something about the way Birds of Prey is made that feels so very Harley Quinn. It’s narrated in her iconic voice which immediately lets you know what kind of ride you’re in for. The scenes jump around in time like someone just a little off is telling you the story and keeps going off on tangents. There’s snarky, childish illustrations that show up on screen to tell you who people are. You can tell that it’s HER story and not about the Joker. She wants to tell you it her way and show you that she’s more than just the Joker’s girlfriend, no matter what other people might say. As someone who read a lot of the Harley Quinn comics, it’s delightful to see and translates a lot of the same feel the books had to the big screen.
Birds of Prey is in no way a perfect movie. But honestly, it’s not trying to be. It’s a load of messy, colorful fun and full of sass and girl-fucking-power. It’s freakin’ awesome. I give it the Bunny Stamp of Approval. Birds of Prey is a confirmed BOP (get it?).
If you’ve been reading this blog from the beginning (praise you, wonderful child) than you know that Birb and I are connoisseurs of bad content. We love watching and reading things that are objectively terrible to other people. Lifetime movies definitely fall into this strain of content and they are my specialty. I’m currently only employed part-time so I spend my days just watching the Lifetime Movie Network. Pause to reflect on how sad that is. I’m kind of an expert. So I’ve put together a list of my favorite/most memorable Lifetime movies. Bear in mind that none of these are here because they are good but because they are just that bad. They are listed in no particular order and are not necessarily made just for Lifetime, but it’s one of the places they were shown.
1. Flowers in the Attic
This is the movie that got me obsessed with terrible Lifetime movies. It’s full of incest, incest and more incest. Amazingly, the acting isn’t completely terrible but the off-putting plot is enough to make this a bad movie. Somehow FITA was able to spawn two sequels (I only ever saw one. It was still full of incest so that was enough for me). You will also never trust powdered donuts again if you watch this. Please watch this. More of you need to feel my pain.
Important side note: while writing this I learned that there is a fourth movie and my mind is blown. If someone has watched all four I need you to message me a report of them, thank you.
2. The Good Mother
“I am the best mother you’ve ever had!” is the only line from this movie that matters. Just go look up the trailer and you’ll understand what I’m talking about. This movie is one of many on Lifetime that deals with Munchausen’s syndrome and it definitely doesn’t deal with it better than any of the other ones. On a side note, I want the main character’s hair cut.
3. Foreclosed
I’ve seen this one many, many times. Way too many times. They used to show it almost every weekend and it never got better. The oddest thing about this one is the teenage daughter who somehow thinks a 40 year old man is in high school. Like he sounds like a chain smoker but somehow she’s into it? I don’t understand. Also there’s this part in the movie that involves sex noises. I’m not going into more detail. Just watch it if you want to know.
4. The Girl He Met Online
Hoo boy. This actress. She has to be the worst actress on Lifetime. Or maybe just in general. Every word she says, even things that are supposed to be sincere, comes out in a flat, breathy voice. The whole movie is just cringy and uncomfortable. Objectively terrible. If you ever feel like you’re bad at expressing emotions, just watch The Girl He Met Online. Trust me, you’ll feel better.
5. A Sister’s Nightmare
I have to give this movie credit because the first time I watched it the ending did catch me off guard. I might have just not been paying any attention to the movie though. It’s real easy to zone out during these. This movie is another example of really flat acting. It’s definitely a trend in Lifetime movies. The sister in the movie was in a Hallmark movie that I watched recently and she had the same lack of emotion there, too.
6. Non-Stop
This movie stars Lacey Chabert/Gretchen Wiener’s from Mean Girls, which is a selling point all by itself. But the thing that really matters is the scene where the bad guy trips over a high heel and stabs himself when he falls. It really makes the movie unforgettable. I know it sounds like I spoiled the ending, but watching that in action is something I highly recommend. Don’t confuse this movie with the Liam Neeson one of the same name. They are probably different in quality. I hope.
7. My Sweet Audrina
Audriiiiiiinnnnnnaaaaaaaaa. If you watch this movie, you will hear that in your head for the next week. I think it’s supposed to be creepy but after a while it loses effect and is just annoying. Also this movie showcases the Lifetime idea that if you fall down the stairs, you instantly die. I have fallen down many stairs in my life and can promise you that I haven’t died from it yet. I think.
8. Murder on the 13th Floor
I put this movie on my list just because they have a toilet in this movie that analyzes your pee. And it’s an actual plot point because it’s how we learn the main girl is pregnant. Pure quality content right there.
9. Lethal Seduction
This movie is just full of a teenage boy making poor choices. Besides just dating a way older woman, which is already weird, he doesn’t run away when she almost drowns him while they have sex. I think most people would see that as a warning sign, but let’s blame this one on him being 18. He later ends up almost dying in a sauna. Lesson learned.
10.16 and Missing
Holy shit is the girl in this annoying as hell. She does that stereotypical thing where she falls in love with someone online and then runs away to be with him because her parents just don’t understand her. New and innovative plot. It also has the most anticlimactic ending that you need to see. The saving grace of this movie is the best friend who actually tries to talk reason into her friend. That’s honestly rare in a Lifetime movie.
11. Mommy’s Little Girl
This one is just proof that the child actors in Lifetime movies are really just terrible. Either that or the girl they hired for this one is actually a sociopath and doesn’t know what emotions are. I would only be a little surprised. Also a woman dies by eating a cake which is really just a devastating way to go. Don’t ruin cake for me. It’s all I have.
12. Killing Mommy
All right so the actress in this movie is the same one from The Girl He Met Online. So this one is terrible for basically the same reasons. However, she gets to play twins so she’s trying to be two different people when she can barely act as one. It’s somehow even worse. Also there’s a part where she says “Let’s party bitches” and I just can’t describe how badly delivered that line is. Please watch it. I need you to understand.
The next time you have nothing to do on a Saturday night, like my every weekend, instead of crying into your wine, like me every weekend, watch one of these awful movies. Relish in that fact that you didn’t make these terrible plot and acting decisions. Then you can cry about how someone made money off of these.
It’s 1:48 on a cloudy Wednesday afternoon. I just got off a call with an author who’s more enthusiastic than I could ever be about giving free lube to moms. This, I decide, is the perfect day to live más.
I ask our great overlord Google to hunt down the nearest Taco Bell. There's one located at a mall that I never knew existed, approximately a 20 minute walk away from my workplace. It's not ideal, but it'll have to do. I bundle myself up in a giant coat that makes me look like a rolled up sleeping bag and waddle out the office.
Highlights from the trek to Mystery Mall:
Only almost got hit by two (2) cars, one of which I take no blame for because a cute shiba inu on the other side of the street distracted me.
Did my best Brisk New York Walk to pass by several people, who foolishly thought that I was going somewhere important.
Passed by a cafe and wondered why coffee tastes terrible when coffee flavored things are the best ever.
Mood Playlist: All-American Rejects, Marianas Trench, (Ma boi) Drizzy
I finally arrive at the destination at 2:06. It’s actually a pretty cute mall, but they have Christmas decorations up already. Guys. It’s mid-November. Calm yourselves.
As is tradition, I get lost immediately after entering the building. After wandering around aimlessly for a couple of minutes, stealing three free samples from Teavana, and desperately trying not to make eye contact with salespeople, I manage to find the directory. The food court is located on its own elevated floor, with four escalators leading up to it like some kind of final boss area.
Instead of ‘food court’ they call it the ‘dining pavilion,’ which I suppose is their feeble attempt to make it seem fancier than it is.
Of course, I manage to get lost in the food court as well. I spot the Taco Bell on the other side, but apparently you can only get there by going around left but absolutely not to the right. Learned that one the hard way.
Side Note: On my way to the bell of tacos I am forced to just PASS BY a Chick-fil-a which I’m pretty sure is a sin and I’m going to hell for it. (But I already knew that I was regardless, so it’s a non-issue.) I would also like to formally apologize to the Chick-fil-a workers who witnessed me gaze longingly at their menu and walk away.
THE MAIN EVENT
At long last, the Taco Bell I have been seeking is in front of my eyes. It’s very purple. Tbh the giant bell pattern on the back wall looks somewhat aggressive and more than a little trippy.
I go up to the cashier, out of breath and trying not to seem totally bewildered. As she asks what I want to order, I quickly realize that I don’t have a fucking clue. I look up at the menu, but I can’t read any of the item names because I have two trash bags for eyes. I blurt out “number 10,” which looks like the most standard taco-like thing there. She stares at me like I’m actually insane and asks if I can repeat that. I do. By this point my brain functionality has shut down and I forget to ask for Baja Blast, so I guess that means I have to come back for that later.
While waiting for my food, I’m amazed that they just leave the sauce packets out without supervision. I grab way more than I’m going to use, just to punish their carelessness.
I find a lonely table to sit at where nobody will judge me for taking pictures of fast food. When I open the bag, I find this:
First off all, I’d like to point out that this is definitely not what I ordered. I know this because I would never have intentionally looked at a list of multiple food options and picked one that had a Dorito shell as its primary selling point.
I’m not about to go back and fight with a Taco Bell worker, and it doesn’t really matter that much anyway. Food is food.
I carefully empty a packet of fire sauce into the “taco” and take a bite. The entire thing threatens to disintegrate in my hands as I do so, and the experience is vaguely comparable to me trying to hold my life together.
CONCLUSION:
It tasted… okay. Honestly, the contents inside were pretty good but I think the Dorito just ruined the whole thing. I rather enjoyed how the corporate coldness of the lettuce contrasted with the warmth of the beef-meat or whatever that stuff was. I can imagine that if I had gotten what I originally wanted, I would have had a much more positive experience.
Proof that I ate the thing:
IMPORTANT THINGS I LEARNED:
This shit’s impossible to eat without making a mess.
Talk louder when getting to the cashier, and double check the receipt to make sure the order is correct.
Bunny’s Video Game Shame #2: Bratz Forever Diamondz
Most of us have video games that we received for free when we bought a console or a different game. One of those combo specials that we probably didn’t really want but it was the same price, so why not? When I got a Playstation 2 years ago, one of these free games came with it. The game was Bratz Forever Diamondz. A game that I would never have bought for myself, especially at that age. A game that I don’t think I even knew existed, and most of you probably didn’t know until reading this right now. You might be thinking ‘Bunny, free games aren’t shameful’ but see the problem is I did end up playing it. More than once. Probably around 5 times. And for someone like me who is terrible at beating games, that’s a lot. Let me break down the plot and mechanics for you to really cement the shame. And because I’m sure most of you know nothing about this game (Seriously, if you try to look up the plot, you can’t find a good summary anywhere. No one played this game for a reason).
In Bratz Forever Diamondz you play as the four main Bratz characters: Cloe (above), Jade, Yasmin, and Sasha. They also have weird nicknames for eachother. In respective order: Angel, Kool Kat, Pretty Princess, and Bunny Boo. No I have no explanations about the nicknames, just accept it. The Bratz are competing in a fashion show competition called the America Rocks Fashion Show, that is for some reason hosted by a Simon Cowell lookalike. There’s only one other group participating in the competition, which makes it a terrible competition honestly, who are obviously evil. They are led by Burdine and her twin daughters, Kaycee and Christy. You can tell they’re evil because of the matching pink dresses they wear. I guess. Each group has a fashion designer that they’re trying to win the competition for (think how The Voice works) and the Bratz work with Mandy, who later ditches and is replaced with Sharidan (DRAMA). The groups travel to different cities, three in total, to participate in different themed fashion shows. The whole point of the game is to win. I’m pretty sure you could do nothing and still somehow beat this game. I know, how can I possible be ashamed of playing a game with this amazing plot?! But it isn’t just a fashion show; there’s action too. At one point the Bratz’s designer gets kidnapped and you have to wear a disguise to release her from a closet. Now THAT is suspense.
There is a little more to this game than just doing the fashion shows, to be fair. It basically consists of a lot of small minigames. Some are mandatory and some you can do if you just want to be able to buy more things. They mostly revolve around simple puzzles, collecting certain fliers or memory games. You can go ice skating in Times Square during the final level and roller blade. The Bratz even get they’re own pet mascot that you get to choose, which immediately makes the game an immediate masterpiece. I don’t remember if you actually do much with the animal but whatever. He/she is cute anyway. The Bratz boyfriends are also in the game (I cannot remember what their names are, so that shows their importance) and can give you small challenges to do.
The one actual good thing about the game though is the sheer amount of customization options. This is probably why I played the game as much as I did. Each city you go to has a good amount of clothes you can buy. There are a ton of hairstyles to choose from, although you can’t change the color. And you have a lot of freedom when it comes to the makeup. Makes modern character customization look like trash. Okay, not quite to that extent, but it is the best part of the game. If you want a very easy game that let’s you live out your dress up dreams, this is it.
I think I would be less ashamed of this game if I had only played it one time. The fact that I kept playing it over and over is really the worst part. It is not a game that needs repeat playing. Nothing changes that second or third time. But for whatever reason, I needed to beat it more than once. And for that, I am ashamed.
First of all, I’d like to make a quick note that this whole book is a sham. Pterodactyls are not dinosaurs, but pterosaurs. Did that ruin the whole story for me? Well… only a little bit. The rest was ruined for other reasons that I’ll get into.
I read this at work which was probably not the best idea, but I often make bad decisions and rarely regret any of them. Taken by the Pterodactyl is being sold for $2.99 and is only 17 pages, which to be honest is a bit of a ripoff. For research purposes I went onto Literotica and found dino smut that is definitely more than 17 pages long, and that shit’s free. I can’t vouch for the quality, though.
It’s difficult to accurately describe the emotions I felt while reading this book: Confused, amused, disgusted, then amused again…
To get into the “plot”:
The government has sent a select amount of people back in time to the ‘New Lands’ in order to save them from the future destruction of the Earth.
Dianne and her family were picked because one of her dad’s football friends had important connections or something. The story starts off revealing that she may be able to escape an imminent apocalypse, but she still can’t get away from frat boys!!
(Also, Dan Brown is also in this colony? Apparently he made a smooth transition from bestselling author to farm inspector.)
Dianne is a blonde, blue-eyed ex-cheerleader (lol), who now works as a shepherd protecting sheep from pterodactyls. The pterodactyls fly over the fields at 1pm each day to cross territories, and Dianne carries a pistol to protect herself.
ON ONE FATEFUL DAY, she finds a half eaten lamb that is still alive, and so gets covered in lamb’s blood while putting it out of its misery.
A pterodactyl swoops her up in his meaty claws and drops her off at his bachelor pad. Dianne inexplicably makes no mention of the pistol that she just had, so she’s unable to defend herself from the sexy ‘dactyl.
I’m sure you can guess what comes next.
The book maintains a little bit of regularity in that pterodactyl dick conveniently works with human females (this isn’t like a duck corkscrew penis situation), and so the actual sex itself isn’t too different from what you would expect from human-human erotica. I don’t really know what I was expecting, I guess maybe something a little more unique than the old “pterodactyl took my virginity” story.
The foreplay was where I couldn’t help but cringe into my soul. Like, let’s be real here. The thought of a regular guy coming near my vagina with dirty fingernails is gross enough. I can’t even imagine how filthy a wild pterodactyl’s head crest/beak would be, even if they were magically self-lubricating. Just… ew. It’s like you’re asking for an infection. Also for some reason I kept imagining that a pterodactyl’s beak would have the same texture as an especially thicc pistachio shell and it didn’t help my reading experience one bit.
Anyway, after the pterodactyl literally overflows Dianne’s insides and she’s not dead, she ponders whether she wants to go back home or not:
“Sure, she loved her parents, and she had a good life at home, but what the pterodactyl had made her feel was unlike anything she’d ever felt before.”
(tfw the dick’s so good it makes you wanna abandon your family)
Honestly when I got up to this line I had excuse myself from the office and run to the bathroom so I could laugh out loud.
Dianne does end up staying in the nest to wait for him, though it’s not clear for how long. I have a feeling that I’d really rather not know.
All in all, Taken by the Pterodactyl was… a story. I simultaneously wish that it had gotten more ridiculous and am comforted by the fact that it didn’t. Would I willingly read more “dino” smut? Probably not. I went into this with a very open mind, but it turned out to be more of an erotic nightmare than a fantasy.
Featured line: “She’d heard these lines plenty of times on pornos but to be shouting them from the treetop while she got pounded by a pterodactyl was even hotter than the hottest of pornos she’d ever seen.”
Bunny and birb watched the new Sharknado movie together (as is tradition) and had some thoughts about it.
We came up with a few questions to answer:
Overall score
Favorite scene
Favorite line
Best death
Worst scene
Worst acting
Best cameo
Best scientific leap
Hopes for the next movie
Ranking of each movie in the series
So here we go:
1. Overall Score
Bunny: I think a 3/10 is probably where I would put this movie. It’s a terrible movie but not to the level of being considered art (See Birb’s post about Birdemic). A lot of it is just plain cringy and falls flat instead of being funny. Parts of it definitely felt like they were trying to0 hard without keeping the true feel of the other Sharknado movies.
Birb: I laughed, I cried, and then I died. Just kidding, it wasn’t that good. There were definitely a few one liners and absolutely ridiculous situations that give it a few points, but it’s not as impactful as it could have been. Overall 5/10
2. Favorite Scene:
Bunny: There’s a random scene when the film cuts to Finn’s other son (I think) trying to protect a mine from the storm. His grandfather asks if the storm is coming and the son says “Hang on let me check the Xfinity app”. It is the most blatant product placement I have ever seen and probably is the only product placement that almost worked on me because I was laughing so hard. It’s comedy gold.
Birb: Probably the one where April is trying to dissipate the Sharknado by spinning really fast (with her robot limbs) in the opposite direction. The way this is filmed is so awkward and her unconvincing screaming “aaaaaaaaaaaaah” seems like it lasts for twenty minutes. Also it makes no fucking sense lol
3. Favorite line
Bunny: “Forgive me Father, for I am Finn”. Terrible. So terrible that it’s fucking hilarious. I stopped caring about the rest of the movie because I was so focused on that awful line. I want it tattooed. Just watch that line and ignore the rest of the movie.
Birb: The Xfinity app line probably made me laugh more than anything else in this entire movie, so I pick that one.
4. Best death
Bunny: So it wasn’t the actual death itself but the after effect of the death. April’s death is supposed to be climactic, since she’s sacrificing herself and ends up exploding. Her bad screaming ruins the moment. But directly afterward, Finn cries while holding her disembodied head and then puts it in a bag and carries it around with him. Which is so ridiculous. There’s no other comment about it. He just has her head in a sack. Plus, I hate April so much that I was a little happy she died.
Birb: A British government guy and some woman were running from sharks when they randomly confess that they’ve both been in love with each other. Then the woman instantly gets eaten by a flying shark. That’s honestly the only death I can remember from this movie (though I think one of Fin’s family members also died?) so it was clearly the only memorable one for me.
5. Worst scene
Bunny: When April’s new look is revealed is definitely the worst after her body gets torn to pieces. She looks like Avril Lavigne’s old 2000s wardrobe threw up on her. So much pink, so much fake scene. And she’s supposed to be hot? It was so cringeworthy. There’s even an attempt at a Grease reference with “Tell me about it”, which is a reference to Sandy’s look overhaul at the end of that movie. But it is nowhere near the same. Sandy looked good.
Birb: Probably when Finn is giving his grand speech to the board of whatever, which was clearly a shoed-in scene that they made near the end of production. He drops the line “Back at home we’re trying to make America great again, but if you follow my lead we can make the world great again.” Groan.
6. Worst acting
Bunny: I think April’s acting was even worse in this movie than it normally is. There’s a moment when she’s holding a rope so Finn doesn’t fly into a sharknado and the whole time she’s just screaming. But it’s not even a good scream. It’s like the kind of scream you make when you know about the surprise party but you want people to think you didn’t. Really terrible.
Birb: Okay, so who can honestly say that anybody in this movie acted worse than April? Zero things that she said in this movie sounded convincing at all, and I’m pretty sure she only knows how to make 1-2 facial expressions.
7. Best cameo
Bunny: Easily the Tony Hawk cameo is the best one. Everything about it is so beautiful. The pure randomness of him showing up in Australia, helping an all-girl, shark battling group. The fact that he saves them with his skateboarding abilities. It might be a super throwback cameo (since he isn’t really relevant anymore) but it was wonderful to me.
Birb: Obviously The Hawk. They even made an entire fucking original theme song just for his minimal scenes in this movie. And he could have just run across the roof of the building but he chooses to skate instead - that’s commitment to the brand.
8. Best scientific leap
Bunny: The nuclear shark tsunami was probably the best. The visual of a tsunami of nuclear sharks transforming into one giant shark was so bizarre and confusing. I don’t even know why they were transporting so much nuclear material across the ocean in the first place. But the fact that someone decided this idea might make sense is really beautiful to me. And how everyone in the movie was like “Of course this happened. This makes perfect sense because science”.
Birb: Um… the fact that there are wormholes in Sharknados that transport you through time and space and nobody seems to be that surprised by this??
9. Hopes for the next movie
Bunny: I always want more cameos. That was something that really made the second movie so good. It’s hilarious to me that they can convince any actual celebrities to be in these movies and so the more, the better. I also hope Finn just carries April’s head around the entire time without bringing her back.
Birb: I really enjoyed the Xfinity shoutouts in this movie, and hope that they put more blatant product placement into their movie. I’m not kidding, I want it to happen. Can you imagine? Sharks wearing Hollister tees, drowning sharks in Coke Zero… I want capitalism to defeat the Sharknado threat.
10. Ranking of each movie
Bunny: Sharknado 2 is my favorite since it was the first one plus a ton of celebrities. It also didn’t get too ridiculous (aka no space sharks). I guess my rankings would be 2, 4, 1, 5, 3. I put Sharknado 3 last because I actually forgot it happened and had to look it up before ranking these. I don’t like my Sharknado’s to be forgettable.
Birb: 3, 5, 2, 1, 4. Best movie is Sharknado 3. The last half of the movie saves a rather unimpressive first half (much like most of these movies) but in a big way. Space sharks, the fact that a character’s death was put up to a twitter hashtag vote, April’s new chainsaw hand, Gill being birthed from the stomach of a shark, Finn’s dad being stuck on the moon and being very happy about it, a lightsaber chainsaw… this movie really had it all.
4 had the unfortunate role of coming after the most extreme Sharknado movie, so while it had its moments, it couldn’t surprise me too much. It almost overtakes 1 just because of that stupid defibrillator bit at the end, but the original is the original so that’s a big plus.
Hated Makeup Trends From A Bunny Who Can’t Contour
As you can tell from the title of this, I am in no way qualified to give makeup advice. I own a shit ton of makeup but I’m not very good at actually using it. I can rock a mean red lip but that’s about it. This, however, does not stop me from having a lot of opinions on makeup. Of course, if you feel like you look great wearing any of these, then fuck me. You own it. But I’m still going to voice my opinion because this is my blog and I can. Beware: I might get a little too passionate about some of these.
1. Fake Freckles
As someone will actual freckles, this whole fake freckle trend has me a little baffled. I’ve had freckles for ever and most of the time I just find them annoying. It’s either cover them all up or don’t wear any foundation because faded freckles look weird. I deal with this shit all the time. So when I started seeing people on Instagram posting photos where they obviously gave themselves freckles, I had a lot of things to say. First off, fake freckles look sooooo fake. Real freckles do not go just across your nose in a cute little pattern. They’re fucking everywhere. They don’t look like the cute ones in cartoons. Sometimes mine make me look like I have a mustache. Not even kidding. Secondly, freckles are a very specific color. I’ve seen some people doing fake freckles with black eyeliner. NO. Freckles are usually a light brown or a reddish color. Doing your fake freckles in black just makes them more obviously fake. Some could be a dark brown, but they aren’t black. The weirdest thing about this trend is that I know some people who are doing it have real freckles. Just show those off! Don’t even try to draw your own. Don’t do it.
2. All the Weird Eyebrows
A few trends fall into this category. I’m pretty on board with the filled-in, shaped eyebrows that are the most popular. You know the ones that are way more rectangular than normal but everyone likes them? Yeah, I’m cool with those. But there are two I’m not okay with. The first are those feathery eyebrows that seem to show up every once in awhile. I really don’t get the appeal of these. Maybe if you are a bird it’d be cool to have feather-like eyebrows, but you probably aren’t a bird (unless you’re Birb). They look like you sneezed while combing out your eyebrows and accidentally went up with some of it. Huge dislike from me. The other one is more recent: the new wavy eyebrows. Hooooo boy. I straight up do not get these. They look like ghost tails, like your eyebrows are trying to do their best Danny Phantom impression. I like the sharp eyebrow look because they’re sharp and look fantastic paired up with winged eyeliner that could cut you. Do you need to pair these with wiggly eyeliner? Because I don’t think I would like that either. Try to at least keep your eyebrows a natural-ish shape. And beware of over-plucking.
3. Unmatched Foundation
So there was this girl in one of my classes at college who always looked orange. At least her face did. Every single day, no matter the season or how tan she was, she would always have this orange foundation on. And it looked absolutely terrible. I’m not sure why she thought it looked good but she must have. Or just ended up really committed to the look and couldn’t part with it. This is something that I see a lot of: people wearing foundation that is just way too dark compared to the rest of their body. It’s very prominent on Kylie Jenner in some of her photos. I don’t know why people do this. If the goal is to make yourself look tanner, maybe make sure to also cover your neck or at least blend it down so the cut off isn’t so harsh. If you really don’t notice that it’s darker, go to a makeup store and get them to check your foundation color. Seriously. It makes you look like you stuck just your face into a tanning booth and just decided to forget about the rest of it. It’s just not a good look for anyone.
4. Glitter Tongues
This trend is really new. It just started showing up on Instagram. I’m not sure if it really counts as a makeup trend but I’m not sure how else you would classify it so I’ll rant about it here. I don’t quite get the point of the glitter tongue. I know that right now people will put glitter anywhere they can (go look up those vagina glitter bombs). And I’m not really a huge fan of glitter anyway, but that’s mostly because I hate how hard it is to get off and how it spreads like the plague. But I get that people want to sparkle and shit. That’s dope. Do that. However, I draw the line at glitter tongues. What’s the point in it? Doesn’t it just go away as soon as you close your mouth? Is it all for the #aesthetic? Is it even healthy? I don’t feel like it could be good for you to ingest that much glitter. There’s no way to stop yourself from swallowing some of the glitter immediately when you close your mouth. It just can’t be good for you. Unless you buy edible glitter and that is a lot to do just for a weird Instagram picture. If you’re someone who really wants to do this for your Instagram photos, I’d first encourage you not to but if you’re deadset on it just make sure you don’t die for the art.
I know for some of these I came off as a little harsh, but I have a lot of opinions and this is the best place to rant. I obviously don’t know much about makeup. I just want people to be a little more conscious about what they do to their face. I want all of you to look your best. And if your best is doing some of this stuff then just fucking do it and ignore this random blogging bitch.
Bunny’s Smut Corner #2: Naughty Boss by Whitney G.
Amazon Rating: 4.3 / 5
Bunny’s Rating: 1.5 / 5
This week for my Smut Corner, I read the new novella Naughty Boss by Whitney G. It’s the first in the Steamy Coffee Collection (there really wasn’t that much coffee involved, so I have no idea why it’s called that). It has decent enough reviews and a really cliche title, which made it perfect for this. The story is another one that switches POV between the girl and the guy but also uses emails to show what the characters are thinking.. The girl, Mya, ends up as the assistant of a very demanding CEO, Michael (Spoiler Alert: he’s the guy) after many other assistants are fired. Michael apparently has a bit of a player reputation and his adviser has asked him to stay under the radar for the year. After accidentally sending a really heated email (heated both by anger and sexual tension) to Michael that was supposed to go to her best friend, the sexual tension sky rockets until sex happens. Since it is such a short book, there can only be so much wrong with it but it’s still jam-packed with bad stuff. So without further ado…
1. This whole player thing
As I said before, the book starts out with Michael getting in trouble with his adviser, Brad I think, because he was photographed making out with a bunch of women (again). Brad tells him that he needs to stay low for a year since they have a huge book deal just around the corner and they can’t afford the bad publicity. Michael agrees and isn’t caught again with any women. Like that’s the last time it even comes up as an issue. I wanted so much more from this plot point. Usually you would end up with either a guy who’s still being a player but makes the women promise not to tell or a more apprehensive girl character who’s afraid he’ll cheat on her. None of that happened. He goes from player to nothing. No intense relapse at the end with some confrontation. Nothing. There wasn’t enough drama with this! It seemed to be put in just to make him seem like a hotter character and give some reason for why Mya would recognize him? I don’t know. I just find it disappointing.
2. Mya’s personality
I know erotica heroine’s are not supposed to be very dimensional characters. They’re usually very cookie-cutter since, let’s be honest, you aren’t reading these books for the plot. But Mya’s character bothered me more than usual. She was presented as this competent, I-take-no-shit character but it changed throughout the novel. There was a moment where Mya writes this scathing email to her best friend about how much she hates her boss. She rants about his emails and how he never says thank you. Immediately after this scene, she goes to a meeting with her boss and spends the entire time oggling him. Like all the hatred is gonna and it’s just lust. This happens constantly throughout the novel. Instead of doing her job well, she’s thinking about his crotch (actually happened). She never gets really mad at him because she’s distracted by how hot he is. Which is just not how hatred works? I could be wrong but when I hate someone it doesn’t matter how hot they are - I’m still going to be mad at them. I spent most of this book wanting Mya to actually yell at him, really get pissed off. The closest she gets is not showing up to work when they first have sex. But she still shows up later to save his ass during a meeting! Get mad, Mya! The guy’s a dick.
3. The actual relationship
I get that this is a novella. I know that a short novel doesn’t really lend itself to character development and some leaps need to be made to continue the story. Of course, some books are able to pack everything in there and it’s wonderful. But I am willing to let it slide a little here. However, the speed in which Mya and Michael go from hating to fucking to dating is a bit much. Let me break it down. The whole first half of the book is the two of them hating each other but having so much sexual tension that they could probably get off by just looking at each other. So when they first have sex - and it’s of course right after a fight - I can let that slide. In the world of erotica, this makes sense. But let’s talk about dating in erotica. Almost always, with some exception, there’s a moment when one person doesn’t know if they’re dating or not. There’s apprehension and fear that this whole thing is just a fling. Which is how it is in the real world, for the most part. You aren’t really dating until someone clarifies it. And in erotica this is how you create more drama and until someone realizes they’re actually in love and then BAM! Happy ending. That didn’t happen here. There’s fucking and flirting but no conversation. And suddenly they’re dating. It stands out so much how that doesn’t make sense. Especially with a guy who was supposed to be this womanizer character. If you’re having sex with someone and assume you’re dating, I can bet you that you’re about to be very, very wrong. I needed more closure with this. It takes like 2 pages for them to confirm they’re dating. Why isn’t it in here????
As much as I love the boss/assistant trope, in this instance it really fell flat for me. There was steam but no personality and too many plot holes to keep me interested. It might be a quick read, but I’d rather spend more time reading a better book.
In my fledgling years of playing otome games, I would basically just download everything I could get my hands on. There were (and still are) an extreme lack of otome games available in English, which is why when CollarxMalice was (and when Kenka Banchou Otome is) localized, my life has meaning again. Second Reproduction was one of those rare otome games that had an English version back then (whether it was actually localized or was just a patch I’m still not sure) so it was basically a given that I had to play through it, no matter what it was about. And good golly, was this game a ride.
Second Reproduction is a 15+ otome game, which means there is sex, just no graphic sex. I don’t really know who decides what age is appropriate for reading erotica, but apparently Japan has decided it is 15. It’s fully voiced for the protags and has decent art, but it’s relatively short - you could probably play through it in 2 hours or less. The company behind this (Heterodoxy) went bankrupt a looooong time ago, so you can just get the game for free online now if you want to.
Game Description:
Christina was the third princess of Almenan, and born in the era of war against the Demons. Having the status of a “Champion”, Christina had countless battle victories upon her shoulders and was feared by the Demon race.
Being the most successful of her three sisters, her mother the queen sent her on a secret mission to assassinate the Demon Lord Gardis in return for his ruthless annihilation of the Kingdom of Crofts.
Obeying her mother’s orders for the sake of her kingdom, Christina set out alongside with her most loyal knight Lezette to take the Demon Lord’s head, and to bring peace to the land.
Alright, so the actual plot of this otome (yes, there’s a real plot) can actually get quite interesting. I can remember at least one pretty shocking plot twist that happens near the middle, and each ending is fairly impactful (and different from each other, which is a plus.) There are three pursuable d00dz: Gardis, Lezette, and Jin. I don’t remember what order I played them in first, but I think it might have been Lezette -> Gardis -> Jin. It doesn’t really matter as long as you play Jin last, because he sucks.
I’m not gonna go into the nitty gritty of each of the routes (because that would take 5ever) but I will do an overview of each gentleman suitor and my takeaways after wooing them.
Lezette:
Lezette is your loyal knight guy, and wants to protect you at all times. He sets off all of my second-male-lead-syndrome bells, which automatically won my favor. You can tell he’s a secondary love interest because the first thing you argue with him about in the actual game is why he feels weird about sleeping in the same bed as you (“Why not? We’re such close friends, aren’t we?”) Friendzoning the dude right out of the gate isn’t an amazing start, but I’ll just take it as a challenge.
Other than that, he’s a lapdog. I gave him so many chances to be interesting, but he’s just a very straightforward character. He listens to everything you say and is a little boring because of it. Despite that, the game does spice his route up a little bit with much-needed drama and that made me feel a few emotions. I liked Lezette in this game mostly because I felt like he was the only truly nice guy, except in one of his terrifying afterstories where he suddenly decides that he hasn’t been rapey enough (but let’s pretend that didn’t happen.)
Gardis:
Gardis is the demon king that lets you stay in his castle while you try to assassinate him. I’m pretty sure this is the favorite route of everyone who plays this game, and I can see why. It’s not even necessarily because his character is good, just that there was so much more effort given into writing his routes that it calls for favoritism.
When I say Gardis isn’t everyone’s favorite because he’s a good character, I really hope it’s not just me having too much hope for people who play these games. One of the first things he does is sexually assault you in front of Lezette, which is charming. Of course, Lezette manages to stop him before he can actually do anything. It’s then that you also learn that Chris takes the possibility getting raped very lightly. (This is a reoccuring thing in Jin's route as well, but we’ll get to that soon.)
As the game goes on, Gardis and Chris warm up to each other and fall in lurv. Like I said earlier, the writers definitely put the most thought behind this route, because the drama is top notch and the good end was probably the most satisfying in the game. I’m still very uncomfortable with the fact that Chris is 18 years old and Gardis is probably 10020, but nobody else seems to care so whatever.
Jin:
Jin is Gardis’s personal assistant, and an S&M enthusiast. I’m not kidding, in order to get his “happy end,” you have to go to the toyshop to buy the following items: whip, handcuff, and rope. This route is where you truly realize Chris’s complete lack of caring about the whole sexual assault thing. In their first real event, Jin gets Chris drunk in his room and then has sex with her while she’s basically passed out. You wake up naked and ask why, and he tells you:
And Chris just doesn’t give a flying fuck. She’s just like, “Oh, okay. Guess it wasn’t a big deal, bye” and leaves. I spent pretty much the entirely of Jin’s route with a wtf face at his creepiness and Chris’s idiocy.
In conclusion, I have very mixed feelings on Second Reproduction. On one hand, it has one of the more intriguing general storylines among the otoge that I’ve played, and I felt a few emotions at the dramatic events (something that doesn’t happen as often as it should.) On the other hand, why are all the characters so goddamn rapey? There wasn’t a single one of the three dudes that I genuinely liked or enjoyed spending time with, and that’s pretty sad in a game all about relationships.
Current Episode Count: 7/?
MyAnimeList.Net Rating: 6.8/10
I’m not gonna lie. I was trying to find a show to watch for this post and had no idea what to watch. Birb gave me a few suggestions and I was like “Nah…” to all of them. Then she says “Watch the new pretty boy samurai anime.” So I immediately found the first episode without knowing a damn thing about it. Surprisingly, it wasn’t too bad. The music is beautiful and the art is really compelling. It does have that slight 3D feel to it that reminds you it was based on a game. I’ll run through the plot quick before getting to the important stuff.
Katsugeki/Touken Ranbu follows a group of samurai, called Sword Warriors, that are attempting to stop history from being changed by the Time Retrograde Army. Each of the samurai were once swords who were given human bodies when their masters died (Fun fact: they are all named after real weapons that were created. Historical accuracy bitches). The leader of the samurai, Saniwa, has the ability to detect time anomalies so they have a general idea of when the army is going to try and change time. Every time they go back, they use knowledge of history to figure out what events should take place and stop the army from interfering. The first 5 episodes follow the newly created Second Unit who are attempting to stop the army in the 1863. The next 2 episodes seem to be about the First Unit. It’s not clear yet if the rest of the show will switch units again or what will happen. That’s enough to get you started. There honestly isn’t a ton more to say about the actual plot. But there is a ton to say about the very pretty samurai. I’m gonna break it down for you by character, mostly just focusing on the second unit.
Izuminokami Kanesada
Kanesada is the main character of the show and eventually captain of the Second Unit. He has that typical anime samurai look to him so I was expecting for him to be the cool and aloof type. When we first meet him, when he’s fighting the Time Retrograde Army, he does fight with that “This is so easy” kind of feeling. Although he might have aspects of that stereotype in him, he also freaks out a good amount too. When the first mission of the Second Unit ends poorly, Kanesada questions his leadership ability and if history was really not altered since so many people died. At this point in the series, it does seem that he’s starting to question if what they are doing is good or not. Kanesada has a rivalry with Mutsunokami Yoshiyuki. I love his hair so much, even if I’m not the biggest fan of his character.
Horikawa Kunihiro (a.k.a. The Weak One)
Horikawa is the other main character. He is a new Sword Warrior and is the assistant to Kane-san, as he calls him. His outfit looks a lot more like a dapper English gentleman. I don’t really know why. He’s definitely the typical “I’m in everyone’s way” type of character and often doubts his own abilities. He never really makes major mistakes but for some reason still decides he’s doing terribly. Horikawa is probably my least favorite of the pretty boy samurai. I was waiting for him to have some sort of epic moment but most of the time he’s just there. He really just serves the purpose of giving a reason for the other characters to explain what is happening so the audience can also understand. There really isn’t a lot to say about him.
Mutsunokami Yoshiyuki (a.k.a Naruto Uzumaki)
Okay so Mutsunokami’s name is obviously not Naruto. But he is literally the same type of character. Loud and impulsive? Check and check. Spends most of his time talking about food or eating? Check. Is more devoted to saving people than anyone else? Check. They’re all orphans since they started as swords, so I won’t count that as a character trait. But everything else is basically a perfect match. He even has a rivalry with another character (although it is never quite clear why him and Izuminokami hate each other so much). The coolest thing about him is that he’s the only character who uses a gun as well as a sword. Of course, he’s very trigger happy but it does allow for a different fighting style that probably suits his character more. Also, he’s ripped as fuck.
Yagen Toushirou (a.k.a. Mr. Short Shorts)
Okay, I’m not gonna lie; Yagen is probably my favorite. Which makes me uncomfortable. Because of those damn shorts (see below for legs)! Yagen is the most confusing character. He has a very shouta feel to him with his outfit and his purple eyes. But his voice is surprisingly deep. He’s definitely the edgy, angsty one who also happens to look like a school boy. There was one scene where Yagen scoff/smirked and I was sold. He’s the rogue type character. Two smaller knives are his weapon of choice and he also has a basic knowledge of medicine (of course there’s a scene of him fixing his own wound). True to form, his backstory is a little bit of a mystery and he isn’t very talkative. It is clear though that he holds a few of the other warriors in high esteem and doesn’t really look down on people. It confuses me that the shortest pretty boy is also my favorite but I’m trying to just accept it.
Tonbokiri
Tonbokiri is the buff, experienced warrior. He has the most brute strength of all of them but isn’t as impulsive as Mutsunokami. He uses a spear to fight which is pretty cool. In an RPG, he’d be the typical tank warrior type. When they have to fight an Ootachi, a much stronger demon, Tonbokiri is the one who holds off the demon while the others leave to fight elsewhere. He can take a decent amount of damage and has some pretty high stamina. He’s also the self-sacrificing type (important in a tank) and ends up severely injured during the Ootachi fight. Don’t worry, he ends up being alright. I don’t really have much to say about him. He spent a whole episode basically in a coma so he’s behind on the character development front. I like his magenta hair?
Tsurumaru Kuninaga
Tsurumaru is the last member of the Second Unit that we are introduced to. He doesn’t make an appearance until episode 4. When the Second Unit ends up fighting a much bigger army than they expected, he gets sent back in time to join the fight. He’s probably my second favorite member. While Yagen is the angsty type, Tsurumaru is the troublemaker type. He talks shit to the demons while they are fighting and gets yelled at for being a troublemaker when the unit goes back to the Citadel (the home base for the Sword Warriors). We don’t know a ton about his character yet since he has only been around for a few episodes, but I’m interested to see where they go with his character. His white hair and gold eyes are pretty cool. He almost looks like the typical “terminally ill” character (think Bleach) but I’m pretty sure he’s not. I hope.
Bonus: Konnosuke
I almost forgot! Each unit is given a talking fox who basically acts as the liaison between Saniwa and the group. The foxes can record what is happening so they can check that no history has been altered. They also basically are databases and can search who is in the area and what important events will take place within a span of time. Konnosuke is the fox who travels with the Second Unit. He really likes deep fried tofu. We meet a couple more of the foxes in the other episodes and it’s obvious they all have slightly different personalities.
The Rest
I’ll quickly run through the names of the rest of the pretty boys because you can never have too many pretty boys.
Saniwa
He seems to be the one who is in charge of everyone. He can detect the time anomalies and is definitely very powerful. His eyes are fucking huge.
Yamanbagiri Kunihiro
The newly appointed captain of the First Unit. I love his voice. He’s obviously ashamed about his sword past but it’s currently a mystery. He’s in the running to be my favorite
Mikazuki Munechika
The oldest Sword Warrior. He seems sketchy to me and I feel like he has a hidden agenda. He’s probably the best fighter but pretends he’s too old to fight.
Higekiri and Hizamaru
Twins, since every pretty boy show needs to have a set of twins. The one in black is the most excitable. The one in white seems a little bit like a psychopath. We’ll see.
Oodenta Mitsuyo
Extremely violent. The only character we’ve seen who just straight up punches some of the demons. Could easily go on a killing rampage and it would be in character.
That’s most of the pretty boys, or at least the ones I care about. If you want a show just to look at cute guys, watch this. If you want a really good plot and interesting characters, you can probably skip this. I’ll probably watch the whole damn thing (thanks Birb).
Neil Breen is a truly visionary actor/producer/director/writer/editor, and the owner of Neil Breen Films, LLC. You may know him from his previous works, Double Down and I am Here….Now. My favorite masterpiece of his is undoubtedly Fateful Findings, the science fiction drama where Neil plays a magical hacker who exposes all “the most secret government and corporate secrets.”
In preparation for his upcoming film, Twisted (set to release in 2018), I decided to sit down and watch the one film that I’ve never seen: Pass Thru (2016) and trust me, this is a work of pure Breenius. The website for the movie describes the movie as such:
“Artificial Intelligence from far into the future arrives to immediately CLEANSE the human species of millions of humans who are harmful to other humans. A VISIONARY, REVOLUTIONARY FILM which pushes the human species to the limits of controversial, thought-provoking actions.”
I have to admit, this is probably the most confusing Breen movie I’ve seen to date (and that’s really saying something.) I honestly don’t even remember the names of any of the characters, but that hardly matters. It has a very similar message to his other films, which he makes sure to hammer into your head so that even if you don’t understand the plot, at least you end up with something. We’ll get into that near the end, though.
The movie starts with overly long mountain/desert landscape shots that were probably taken an hour away from his house, since he lives near Las Vegas. Then something strange happens.
There’s a rock with white paintings on it, and suddenly a giant ginseng root-looking “hand” comes out and delicately prods the paintings with a stick. It then cuts to a random tiger chilling on a cliff above, and then immediately cuts again to two pristine clocks by the rock with some shitty black smoke effect crawling across the screen.
I don’t even get a chance to try to comprehend what these things mean before another series of confusing imagery: walking legs, a girl in her room reading about space, some old man just sitting in the desert with magazines, and then Neil Breen himself, picking up what looks like trash from a party he threw the other night. A red dot appears in the sky, and finally we get our first real dialogue of the film.
It is at this time that I have the horrible realization that everyone in this movie has received thorough direction from Neil Breen on how to read lines off a script. Each syllable is robotically intonated, each word spoken unnaturally slowly and with an awkward pause… nothing anyone says in this movie sounds real. Breen was debatably the worst actor in Fateful Findings, and it seems like he tried really hard to get everyone on his level this time.
Three kids (names unknown) sit around in a room, and the boy has somehow found the red sky dot (which is apparently some kind of signal.) The two girls try to sound excited but somehow manage to sound even more apathetic as they raise their voices. The boy goes from “I’m following the signal!” to “I lost the signal” in literally one second, so I guess he just sucks.
The next few minutes of this movie are just pure chaos. Each scene is somehow too short and at the same time way too long, and the sequence that they’re placed in just makes zero sense whatsoever. Let me just run through them (keep in mind, these are in chronological order):
Neil Breen lies in a pile of his own filth in his trailer.
Neil Breen lies outside in the dirt while some faceless man with a gun pays him to clean up the evidence of a ‘smuggling site’ (i.e. Gatorade bottles and soup cans.)
Some “immigrants” (who just look like tourists) are led through a ravine
Neil Breen wakes up in the dirt with the garbage still around him, finds a dirty syringe and injects it into his arm. He then dies and we get this great special effect:
The nameless boy calls one of the girls and then proceeds to have an entire conversation by himself.
A random hand bleeds while it touches barbed wire.
I was confused enough at this point, but then I kept watching and realized that the entire movie is edited like this. Let it be known that I tried three times to write this post while reformatting the events of the story to make them more clear, but it was actually impossible. So instead of trying again, I’m just going to run through the four most hilarious parts of the movie. Honestly, you wouldn’t understand the plot even if I gave more information than this, so to hell with it.
1. The Great Immigration
One plotline involves a group of “immigrants” who are being herded along by human traffickers. The “immigrants” all act like a bunch of middle schoolers on a boring field trip (and are dressed similarly), and are constantly whining: “Where are we going?” “Why do we have to walk so far?” “Stop yelling at us.” The human smugglers in the movie are incredibly incompetent at both smuggling and acting, which makes every one of these scenes a pleasure to watch.
The traffickers filter through the immigrants, stopping a few who happen to be hiding plastic baggies (of what looks like cocaine) under their shirts.) One of them is a woman who is pretending to be pregnant, and is clearly not an actor because she can’t stop smiling in what (I’m assuming) is supposed to be a serious situation. They line up these baggies and start handing them out, designating who they’re going to: lawyers, bankers, “the CEO”, etc. Basically all the people Breen talks shit about in every movie he makes.
Their leader shoots some woman and a kid because she “has absolutely no VALUE for you two on the STREETS.” (Uh, lady, you’re in a desert.) Two of the women manage to escape, even as a man shoots at them at point blank range four times (and apparently misses each time.) Nobody bothers to go after them. The rest of the immigrants are “trapped” in a truck and they all freak out because they clearly cannot escape:
2. Neil Breen cleaning up his house
The two women that escaped from the traffickers stumble into Neil Breen’s trailer, and he invites them to stay with him. For some reason, the women yell everything they say even when they’re standing right next to each other. Also, they vehemently don’t want to stay with him - can’t blame them, really.
In order to convince them to stay, Breen insists that he will “clean it” for them. No words can explain the beauty of this scene, so I have to just show you the clip:
3. Neil Breen “isn’t that corrupt”
Coming to the end of the movie, it’s revealed that Breen is actually an alien artificial intelligence (who has a name, but hell if I remember that much). His mission is to just kill all the humans that he doesn’t like. Okay, he actually said those who “cause harm to other humans,” but isn’t that technically every living human? Whatever, I will not question our lord and savior Neil Breen.
Breen teleports into mansions and inserts himself into conversations with the people that he shit talks all the time (i.e. lawyers, Big Pharma, government officials, bankers, etc. etc.) and just makes everything awkward.
Here’s a transcript of an actual conversation:
A: “I know senior, national elected government officials who I can force my political... *insert pause where she forgets her lines*... bias and influence on fellow politicians to vote my way, for a payoff of course.”
Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”
Everyone: …….
[Breen looks away as everyone else stares at him.]
B: “I know companies that can hack into any government national agency or corporate facility. For the right price, you can get any information that you want. And they don’t need to know why or your reason. These places are so vulnerable and unprotected, and there is no way they can keep up with the technology.”
Breen: “ISN’T THAT CORRUPT?”
Everyone: ……..
This same exact conversation repeats itself until Breen decides to leave, and then the people are like, “Who the fuck was that guy?”
Breen teleports in front of the mansion, fades out of his tuxedo and into his regular janitor clothes, and then waddles away as shitty explosion effects happen in the background.
“If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth,” he says. I’m pretty sure those were not ‘truth explosions,’ but you do you, Neil.
4. The Newsroom and Neil Breen
After that shitshow, Neil decides to make his big move by appearing on some news channel to make his traditional monologue. Throughout the movie, the news anchors have been reporting some very interesting news. Serious criminals, lawyers, bank management, and even accountants have mysteriously vanished overnight. According to one of the hosts, “It’s as if all the harmful people on Earth are disappearing.” Oh, he also mentioned that “Ignorant reality shows about families, housewives, groups, individuals… those casts are all gone.” So I guess Breen is now lumping the Kardashians with corrupt government officials on his ‘Evil People’ list.”
Neil shows up uninvited onto the news broadcast, and the hosts rightfully call out for security guards. Breen fires back with, “You won’t need security. You’re gone.”
And so they are:
I won’t even try to recount all of the nonsense the Neil says in his speech, but here are the some select quotes:
“I am not of this Earth. I am artificial intelligence from FAR into the future.”
“Human evolution has ended, and there can be no further advancement.”
“I have eliminated 300 million humans from the planet today”
“Violate laws and regulations”
Breen also really loves listing things, as can be witnessed in this single speech.
Neil Breen lists the things he hates (in order within the speech):
Illegal wars
The abuse of the media systems
Films
TV
Radio
The Internet
Violence
Corruption
Political correctness
Fear of the truth
Excuses
Second chances
Third chances
Warnings
Sympathy
Cheats
Thieves
Criminals
Abusers
Corrupters
Dishonest humans
Abusers of:
Other humans
The planet
The environment
Children & animals
Violence
Corruption
Corporate corruption
Failed political systems
Failed judicial systems
Failed educational systems
Failed environmental systems
There are a lot of other hilarious things in this movie aside from these moments.
Like seriously, what the hell is this:
But I won’t get into any more of the gems from this film, because this has already gone on long enough. Watch it yourself to experience them all.
Right now there’s a lot of shit going on all over the world. If you’re anything like me, sometimes you don’t want to be reminded when you’re trying to unwind on social media. So here. Have a collection of funny things and cute things and awesome things to make the next few minutes a little less stressful for you.
We have to start with a cute dog picture of course, to really get this rolling. He’s doing so well. You nibble all you want little guy.
Here’s some stupid humor. Hopefully it makes you let a little more air out through your nose, the classic internet laugh.
I read a lot of shampoo/lotion/bottle directions and none are ever interesting. I need to buy better products like this one.
This is always impressive to me (even if baseball is a shitty sport and the Mets suck). Remember that cool shit can happen in the world too.
This screenshot describes the kind of crap I would pull and why I should never be invited to weddings ever. I HAVE AN AKATSUKI CLOAK I WILL NARUTO RUN DOWN THE AISLE I STG
“The robot apocalypse is almost upon us”. Yeah, okay.
This is the kind of curving that I really aspire to. #savage #rekt #ripinpepperonis
Truly beautiful.
You better yell timber, cus I’m going down.
I like don’t actually remember saving this picture but it’s still great. This guy’s still doing more with his degree than I am with mine.
This is the sort of mug that I want to get for someone who doesn’t have a dog and isn’t a grandpa. It’s like how Birb buys people cards about death for their birthday or Valentine’s Day. Just go for as unrelated as possible.
And just for Birb.
So hopefully this makes your Tumblr perusing a little less stressful today. Don’t forget to breathe. Go get a drink of water. Stop slouching.
Social media is actually a great source of entertainment for me, which is why I spend more time on it than a person with this little of a life should. There are a lot of people who complain about oversharers on Facebook, and how nobody wants to read essay-length rants about their acquaintances’ petty lives. And I get it. There are some common types of posts that probably annoy a lot of people:
The Relationship Cyclist
>I love my boyfriend more than Jeffrey Dahmer loved eating little boys😍😍
>I should have known from the way you cut the crusts off your sandwiches that you were just like everyone else
>All men are neanderthal scum and should be violently castrated
>I met a boy at Target and he might be The One????
(Repeat ad nauseam)
“I live in the void”/Vaguebooking
>Work sucks, people suck
>My life is so hard, I had to have normal social interactions today.
>I know I said I wouldn’t get my hopes up, but I’m still so disappointed in you.
>Nobody understands me, I’m alone in this world
Humblebraggers/Public Relationships
>I talked to a homeless guy today and gave him $5. I truly learned what it means to give.
>TBT to when I was in Europe 5 years ago!! (posts this picture every week)
>See Bunny’s post
Etc. etc.
These types of posts don’t bother me at all. To be honest, they’re probably around 75% of the reason I still go on social media. Oversharers make it easy for me to judge people’s lives from afar, which is one of my main hobbies. After all, I am a certified Hater™ so watching someone flaunt their insecurities on Facebook gives me a sick sense of pleasure.
“Wow birb,” you might say. “That really makes you sound like a sadist.” My reply to that would be ‘yes.’
There is one general group of Facebook posts that pop up every once in awhile, though, that I do find a little irritating.m I don’t like them mainly because they’re shitposts that don’t provide anything of value; If a shitpost isn’t even funny, why even make it?
These are two main types of posts that I’ve noticed in the past few years:
“Congrats, you’ve passed the friends list test”
This post comes up every so often on my timeline. “I just finished cleaning my friends list, so if you can read this then be happy that we’re real friends.” I’m always very confused whenever I see it, because 99% of the time it’s being posted by someone I have either never talked to or haven’t spoken to in 10+ years. I don’t understand why you would even writing something like this. Hypothetically, if you did a good job of filtering your friends list (if I’m still on it, you probably have not), then all that would be left are people that you are mutually friendly with. What’s the point in telling people that you are friendly with that you are still being friendly with them? I’d assume they already know, and the people that you removed can probably infer that you are no longer friends (plus they wouldn’t be able to read this shit anyway - in this case, a blessing.)
“I’m deleting my account on DD/MM/YY, write up a eulogy.”
The ‘Facebook death’ post can be completely legitimate, if it’s a permanent death. As it is, it’s basically trying to determine how popular you are by checking how many people show up at your funeral. Every time I see a post declaring someone’s (2-6th time) account deletion, I have to restrain myself from commenting (lest they realize that I’ve been on their friends list this whole time.) I dislike this post not because it’s annoying, but because it legitimately scares me into thinking that this will be the time that they delete their account for good. If a consistent oversharer leaves Facebook, I’ll have to mourn the loss of a juicy supply of entertainment. Fortunately for me, the type of person who is a dramatic Facebook user is the type who can never stay away from the site for long.
So, there you go. I wouldn’t even go so far as to say that these are pet peeves, and I’m willing to deal with them as long as oversharers continue to spill the intimate details of their lives with the world.
Birb’s Book Backlog: The Star-Touched Queen by Roshani Chokshi
I bought The Star-Touched Queen over a year ago (about two months after its publication date), and I’ve been holding onto it ever since. You can probably infer how long my reading backlog is just by that.
Here’s the GoodReads description:
Fate and fortune. Power and passion. What does it take to be the queen of a kingdom when you’re only seventeen?
Maya is cursed. With a horoscope that promises a marriage of death and destruction, she has earned only the scorn and fear of her father’s kingdom. Content to follow more scholarly pursuits, her whole world is torn apart when her father, the Raja, arranges a wedding of political convenience to quell outside rebellions. Soon Maya becomes the queen of Akaran and wife of Amar. Neither roles are what she expected: As Akaran’s queen, she finds her voice and power. As Amar’s wife, she finds something else entirely: Compassion. Protection. Desire…
But Akaran has its own secrets—thousands of locked doors, gardens of glass, and a tree that bears memories instead of fruit. Soon, Maya suspects her life is in danger. Yet who, besides her husband, can she trust? With the fate of the human and Otherworldly realms hanging in the balance, Maya must unravel an ancient mystery that spans reincarnated lives to save those she loves the most…including herself.
Here’s my GoodReads rating: 2.5
My reading experience of this book was mainly just confusion. I’ll try to keep this review a little organized, though I’m not sure how that’ll work out. We’ll see.
The world-building is part of the book that I simultaneously liked and disliked. I think a lot of why I didn’t like it is due to the writing (I’ll get to that later) but there were a lot of good ideas there. A lot of the elements are derived from Indian mythology, which is rich and imaginative enough on its own. While there were specific things that I thought were interesting (the cloud weaving elephant, the Night Bazaar, the world tapestry) but none of them were adequately expanded upon. This is a fantasy world, and yet I can’t really get a clear grasp of the setting at all. (What even are the surrounding kingdoms like? How does this whole magic system work?) I was a little disappointed, is all.
The characters were… hm. I can’t really say much about them, to be honest. I didn’t connect with any of them, and I’m going to blame the writing style here once again. Maya, the main character, is a little underwhelming in the long run. She basically just goes with the flow, despite whatever small protests she makes, and can be a little daft at times. Amar is the love interest and he is resident Broody Boy. He wears a mask for a little bit, and I got excited that he was going to be ugly or disfigured or something but nah, he’s just a Handsome Magical Princeman as expected.
The beginning of the book had some questionable character motivations (the whole, “I didn’t know why, but I took his hand” and all that) and a lot of woman-hate and misogyny and instalove. I was actually ok with the misogyny, because I can understand it as a part of the culture and not something that’s actually considered okay. The woman-hate was iffy. I could get it in the beginning maybe, since they were in a palace where everything was shitty and there was a harem of jealous wives and all. Later on, Maya still doesn’t get along with other girls (except for a horse, but that doesn’t count.) The instalove was, as it always is, infuriating. The potential for romantic development was completely sabotaged with the whole ‘lover from a past life’ trope. I have yet to see an excuse for instalove that I think is well done, and this wasn’t an exception.
The writing is where this book really lost me. I know a lot of people praise this book for its writing style, but I just couldn’t deal. Within the first two pages, I was getting a little suspect. Instead of making the scenes vivid and clear, the overuse of purple prose and flowery metaphors just muddled everything up. Reading this book, I felt like I was wading through a thick haze, getting just a blurry image of anything that was even going on in the story. Things like saying “his face was full of secrets” may sound nice, but means absolutely nothing to me. What, does he have folded up post-it notes stuck along his chin? I’ve definitely been told that my cheekbones look mysterious… (No.) There were so many instances (basically at least 3x a page) where I would read a phrase or description and just throw my hands in the air going, “BUT WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?”
Like, seriously. The things that Amar says to Maya: “I see only night and smoke, dreams and glass, embers and wings. And I would not have you any other way.”
Me: “…what?”
If any guy came up and said that to me, I’d think they were as high as a kite.
The cover of this book is beautiful. There are so many great and imaginative ideas that I could definitely have seen this being a great book. Unfortunately, the prose did those ideas a disservice. I definitely could see a lot of people liking this book, but I was more on the disappointed side.
Bunny & Birb’s Spiciness Ranking : League of Legends Men
We play a shameful amount of League of Legends, and after this you’ll get the idea that it’s for all the wrong reasons.
For this week’s collab post, we decided to make a combined ranking of League of Legends male champions based on their level of spiciness.
We each made an individual list with rationale, and then ranks were averaged out to generate the final list. We also tried to rationalized our picks somewhat, and choose the most attractive skin for each.
The scale ranges from 1 (the most attractive) to 26 (least attractive). Then the average is obviously the average rank based on our individual ranks.
1. Talon - Average rank: 2.5
bunny: 4
Maybe it’s cus we can’t see his whole face that I think he’s attractive? I also just love assassins. SSW is the most attractive. He looks the most normal. Gives off an Altair from Assassin’s Creed vibe.
birb: 1
So I thought this guy would have potential, but wasn’t totally sure. His SSW skin is what removes all doubt and carries this dude all the way to the top. Black-haired rogue dudes get a thumbs up from me. (I also ship him with ma girl Quinn, and she deserves only the best.)
2. Ezreal - Average rank: 3
bunny: 2
I mean, he’s the most pretty boy of any of them. Has those nice Aryan features. Ace of Spades Ezreal has the cockiness that makes him worth it.
birb: 4
A generic anime bishounen type. I don’t know, I guess he just looks a little young for me? I’m also not recruiting for Hitler Youth. He definitely is one of the more objectively cute ones, though, so I can’t deny him that. Best skin is Ace of Spades, bonus points because he’s not blonde in that one.
3. Kayne - Average rank: 4
bunny: 5
Gotta love this edgelord and all his emo hotness. It’s like my high school dream. He only has one skin but it’s damn attractive.
birb: 3
While he runs away with the title of Edgiest League character, it cannot be denied that he (particularly dat skin) is attractive. Probably because he looks less like Sasuke in the skin.
4. Three-way tie - Average rank: 5.5
Vladimir
bunny: 1
Academy Vlad appeals to all my shitty anime fantasies and I love him. He’s got condescending down cold. I’d call him senpai.
birb: 10
The whole vampire image was never really my type, and Vlad’s not an exception. Count Vlad is probably the most attractive one to me (once again, the black hair bias)
Ekko
bunny: 6
Ekko has that devious type of appeal. Like the type that would totally get in trouble but you dig it. Sandstorm is probably the most attractive, mostly cus his others just look bad.
birb: 5
Ekko has a decent voice on him (even if he doesn’t stfu when you play him) and I’d say he’s pretty cute. He would have success at a co-ed mixer. His (Darude) Sandstorm skin is far, far superior to his regular one.
Zed
bunny: 9
I mean we can’t see his face, so like he could be really hot. It’s a 50/50 chance. Shockblade is the most attractive since it proves he has real skin.
birb: 2
This pick is based entirely on faith that someone this edgy must appear equally edgy (and attractive). Also his movements have POWER and GRACE thus he must have a nice FACE. Championship Zed is shiny as fuck so it’s obviously most attractive skin.
5. Twisted Fate - Average rank: 7
bunny: 3
I think I find him attractive mostly because of his voice, though he’s pretty cool too. I wanna say Pax is my favorite just cus it’s rare af.
birb: 11
I like his drawl, the facial hair knocks off some points. Most attractive skin is Cutpurse, since it gets rid of his beard.
6. Two-way tie: Average rank: 9
Jhin
bunny: 12
I’m using his obsession with roses as the reason that he’s a little more attractive than some of the other guys. Also…. ITS HIIIIIIIIGHHHH NOOOOOOONNNNN
birb: 6
Despite the obvious V for Vendetta vibes, I do weirdly like Jhin’s voice. And his /joke is kinda cute so I’m taking that into account. He also has Very Good posture! He only has one skin aside from his normal one, but I do like that better.
Varus
bunny: 10
I guess purple eyes are pretty cool and he does have an 8-pack going on, though I’m not sure what the front of his hair is doing. Heartseeker Varus got me falling in love.
birb: 8
His eyes are a little creepy but if you look past that he’s probably a nice guy. Gimme some of that Varus Swiftbolt action, though. I would probably romance him in a Dragon Age game.
7. Lucian - Average rank: 9.5
bunny: 7
His eyebrows are very nicely groomed and he has no weird facial hair. Striker Lucian is the most attractive just because I love soccer players.
birb: 12
I feel a little weird trying to figure out how spicy a guy raging around about his dead wife is, but whatever. He has some nice cheekbones. Hired Gun is probably my favorite skin, because I like his hair in that one.
8. Two-way tie - Average rank: 11.5
Yasuo
bunny: 16
Uh, Yasuo really knows how to use a sword *wink wink*. Plus he has some very nice, flowy hair. I would like to date him to steal his shampoo. Project Yasuo looks pretty cool and you can’t see his face so it’s better.
birb: 7
Separating him from the people that play him, appearance-wise he’s alright. As long as he doesn’t windwall, I could stand to look at him for extended periods of time. I might be projecting my Rurouni Kenshin feels onto him, though. I’d maybe pick Blood Moon, for no real reason.
Jayce
bunny: 14
If you’re really into dads, then I guess Jayce would be for you. But like, that’s not my thing and I will kink shame you for it. Debonair his the skin where he looks the most suave (but still very dad)
birb: 9
He really does just look like my friend’s dad or something. He’s just an average looking dude, which is somehow better than the majority of the people on this list. Debonair skins will always be attractive skins.
9. Darius - Average rank: 12.5
bunny: 8
I’m only putting Darius 8th for Academy Darius. He might look like the school bully, but he still looks pretty attractive in that skin. Normal Darius, not so much.
birb: 17
The only viable Darius skin is Academy, and he still just looks like that guy who beats people up just for an ego trip.
10. Garen - Average rank: 13.5
bunny: 13
His head is weird shape so he’s not higher but Garen does have a nice face. Rugged Garen is the most attractive because his head isn’t so tiny in that one (unlike Dreadknight)
birb: 14
So Garen might be a bit of a pimplehead, but I look at something like Rugged Garen and say okay, I can fux with this.
11. Pantheon - Average rank: 15.5
bunny: 18
He’s less hairy than everyone below this. We also can’t see his face so no negative points there. Mediocre at best. Baker Pantheon is the most attractive cus there’s food involved.
birb: 13
I’m basing this purely off the fact that he wants to be a baker, and that’s kind of adorable. Favorite skin is obvious.
12. Two-way tie - Average rank: 16.5
Draven
bunny: 11
His confidence is attractive I guess? Gotta love a guy who knows he’s great? Also have you seen those legs in Pool Party????
birb: 22
He has the crazy eyes, which are very deterring. Favorite skin is Soul Reaver, because his face is less of a face.
Graves
bunny: 15
Graves looks more normal than some of the other dudes but he has so much chest hair. Ew chest hair. Also I don’t like smokers. I guess he looks the best in Mafia Graves, the red really brings out the flames.
birb: 18
A regular lookin’ shmuck. I guess he’s manry and all that, but why that facial hair. Mafia Graves is best, because it’s hard not to look good in an outfit like that.
13. Two-way tie - Average rank: 17.5
Xin Zhao
bunny: 20
I have less of an opinion about him than I do Jarvan, which is really saying something, so he gets stuck here at the bottom. His face is boring and he’s boring. In Warring Kingdoms he has a slightly edgy thing going so he’s not all bad
birb: 15
Forgettable as hell, but not exactly ugly. I hate his ponytail, though. Most attractive skin is either Dragonslayer or Winged Hussar, more for the armor than because he looks good.
Jarvan IV
bunny: 19
Uh he has a face. So I guess that’s nice. I literally have like no opinion on him. I guess Warring Kingdoms is the most attractive cus it has a nice stoic vibe.
birb: 16
I feel like without his ridiculous armor he would look okay. Sort of like the all-American soldier type vibe? Darkforge is his best skin because his armor actually looks pretty cool.
14. Lee Sin - Average rank: 18
bunny: 17
Lee Sin can’t see so his other sense are probably heightened. Every girl wants a guy that’ll listen to her for once. Traditional Lee Sin is the most attractive because he actually has hair.
birb: 19
Does the blindfold add appeal? Maybe. Traditional Lee Sin is his best look because he has hair.
15. Two-way tie - Average rank: 21
Taric
bunny: 22
It’s hard to be attracted to someone else’s man. I also don’t think I could make him swing my way. Armor of the Fifth Age has the best smirk going on, so it’s definitely my favorite.
birb: 20
Off limits, can’t compete with Ezreal. He definitely looks like Fabio, though, and he’s popular on romance novels. My pick is Pool Party Taric, because it looks like he’s starring in Baywatch.
Gangplank
bunny: 21
He’s a pirate so maybe he would get some booty, but not this booty. Too much beard and too rugged. Probably has scurvy. At least in Special Forces he looks a little bit younger and more tame.
birb: 21
The edgy makeover definitely gave him some positive points as compared to his old goofy pirate character. Still, he looks kinda old. Captain Gangplank is my fave because it looks like he’ll kill me if I say otherwise.
16. Two-way tie - Average rank: 23.5
Tryndamere
bunny: 24
He’s a little up from the very bottom because at least his hair is on his head and not his face. But his muscles are also scary. I like Viking Trynd just because he’s surrounded by money and I’m attracted to money.
birb: 23
A straight-up ragemonster. I’d classify this guy as more of a beast than a man. He’s most attractive as King Tryndamere, because I can actually look at him like a human bean.
Udyr
bunny: 23
I’m not really that into hobos. Udyr is like that guy who spent too much time in the forest and now thinks he’s magic. Definitely Not Udyr is the most attractive cus it’s the closest to not Udyr.
birb: 24
I feel like I wouldn’t be surprised seeing Udyr walking out of a dumpster. Best skin is Spirit Guard because he actually looks respectable (and because that skin costs a lot of money.)
17. Olaf - Average rank: 25
bunny: 25
There’s just so much hair!!!! And his muscles are bulging in a weird way. Brolaf maybe is the most attractive? It has the least amount of hair and alcohol.
birb: 25
Olaf is like a hairier version of Tryndamere, except he doesn’t even have a single respectable skin. His one arm muscle is like bigger than my whole body. Butcher Olaf is the most attractive, because I like meat.
18. Gragas - Average rank: 26
bunny: 26
Uh yeah. He’s just not good looking. He has so much hair and his nose is so red. God I don’t know. Oktoberfest is the most attractive, if I have to pick?
birb: 26
Alcoholic and literally a circle with limbs. Judging by his VO, he wouldn’t even pay for drinks if you went out with him. Best skin is Scuba, because it’s the one where his face is the most covered and also there’s a possibility that he will drown.
And that’s the end of our petty list! We’ll probably rank the League girls sometime in the future, but that’s for another day.
Not too many years ago, I had an addiction called the Humble Bundle. I was suckered in by the pay-what-you-want (what I wanted to pay was usually around 1 cent) model for one game that looked interesting, plus four others I didn’t really care about. This weak-willed behavior has left me with a mountain of games in my Steam library that I’ve never beaten, never played, never even read the description for…
So now it’s time to unearth some shit.
While scrolling through my library, I read titles that I’ve never seen before in my life. Project Root? Leviathan: Warships? Super Chain Crusher Horizon???
In the end I just randomly choose to install something I don’t recognize: The Clans - Saga of the Twins.
It’s only after I’ve installed the game that I go to its store page and read the description.
“Experience a point-and-click adventure RPG game like never before featuring seven playable female characters and a male vampire in this not-so serious tale. Catz and Kitsune desire to go on an adventure with Xenonight who have no choice but to follow them.”
…I’ve made a mistake.
Now you may be a much more open-minded person than me. “Come on, birb,” you might say. “You haven’t even played it yet. Maybe they’re just bad at writing descriptions and naming characters. Give the game a chance.” And you know what? You may be right.
BUT I START THE GAME TO SEE THAT THIS IS THE MAIN MENU:
There is no hope left for me.
Not only is this wannabe-waifu’s character design an assault on my eyes, but there is also an infuriating retro arcade-sounding techno track playing on repeat in the background, featuring some overly autotuned guy speaking in tongues as the accompanying vocals. Also, that (three option) “menu” located right on the girl's crotch is so clearly ripped straight from RPG Maker that it physically hurts me. By “point-and-click adventure RPG game” I guess I should have guessed that it was going to be another amateurish RPG Maker product, but really? You couldn’t even have customized the UI for the first screen the player sees? And this is being sold on Steam for $10???
I tentatively click “New Game” (because there is no ‘Options’ button, I can’t even try to change the wonky resolution, lower the music volume, or do anything other than dive headfirst into the void. Lord help us all) and am instantly introduced to our protagonist, Catz.
Catz has… cat ears. Two seconds into the game, she randomly decides to go on an adventure. No, seriously. The game starts as Catz is having a conversation with her bodyguard, Kitsune, (who has fox ears oh my god kill me) and this is a transcript of the first three lines of dialogue:
Catz: Your food is as great as ever.
Kitsune: Thanks. Even though you hired me as your bodyguard, I’m also a capable cook.
Catz: I feel like going on an adventure.
At this point I’m wondering whether my laptop charger’s cord is long enough to strangle myself with.
I find out that I can access a settings menu from here, and eagerly try to turn down the volume of the music. It doesn’t work. It turns out, nothing on the settings menu is actually clickable. Utterly defeated, I go back to playing the game.
Catz goes to find her “despicable sister” to tell her that she’s going on an aimless adventure. It turns out that this girl is the one we saw on the main menu! Catz’s sister, Sakura (please jesus why) proves that the two are related by being equally horrific at exposition.
The subtlety there is astounding. Catz leaves after saying a bunch of nonsense (she doesn’t want to be her sister’s ‘Master’ or something?), and now I get to control Sakura instead. She goes to a control room and talks about creating battle mechs, activates the “Dream Web”, and then uses her magical powers to beat up some random trash ghost-things that spawn. None of this is explained. Even though the trash ghosts didn’t even touch her, she says she needs to go to the infirmary.
Here, not even five minutes into the game, is where I find my first bug.
Obviously I’m going to tool around instead of actually going where the game tells me to. I make Sakura walk up to a train and try to hop in:
Why the hell is Catz’s sprite coming up and telling me this? Is she the conductor? Does she hide behind that vending machine just to bitch about the train when people walk by?
Anyway, I just walk to the infirmary after this because I don’t want to prolong my suffering any further. Sakura blows up two more trash ghosts on the way with her magic lightning (I have not manually battled a single thing so far) and goes in to take a nap.
We’re switched over to Kitsune’s perspective, and are introduced to a new character: Xenonight.
This is the conversation we are treated to:
X: Finally you are here.
K: Who are you?
X: I’m Xenonight.
X: I will also come to help Catz with her adventure.
K: Well, welcome aboard.
The two find Catz watching some practice fight on a holographic battlefield. She doesn’t even bother to ask who the fuck Xenonight is and why she’s so edgy. Instead, she’s just like, “oh yeah! I was supposed to go on that adventure.”
And then they do.
Yyyyuuuuuuuuuup.
I now enter Catz’s dream sequence, which demands that I pick a difficulty level for the game.
The sound of laughter = having fun, right? Might as well click on that one.
Instantly, I’m placed in a battle sequence where some guy is holding a weapon in the most inefficient manner possible.
I hit him once with a basic attack, and three more appear. None of the combat is explained, but it’s pretty easy to figure out. Just click on a type of attack and then on the enemy you want to hit. Basic attacks seem to do around half as much as the mana-based one, so I end up just torching everything I see. The first battle earns me exactly one wood log.
The rest of the dream consists of meeting some gothic lolita chick named “Lilith Bloodrose” (sigh), miscounting a group of four people as three, and fighting a dragon. Then Kitsune wakes up the MC and we’re in a forest.
I played this game for about another hour, and I can only say that it gets worse. The dialogue is SO cringe inducing, with the characters making XD XD I’m so randumm~1!1! jokes in every conversation without fail. There are also grammatical errors everywhere, and the characters’ names aren’t even spelled right sometimes. The combat is incredibly repetitive and boring as shit. All I have to do is just spam click forever - I might as well just play Cookie Clicker, at least that game gave me some shred of satisfaction.
All in all, I’d rate The Clans - Saga of the Twins a ReconsideredAllofMyLifeChoices/10
Shoujo manga are some of the best when you just want fluffy romance and bad communication. Some are really good, some are really bad. It can be difficult to pick out a good one just from a brief summary (I’ve read some really baaaaad ones, believe me). I’ve listed a few of my favorites (in no particular order). All of these are school life, shoujo, romance, comedy manga.
1. Namaikizakari
Namaikizakari is an ongoing shoujo that revolves around a school basketball manager and one of the players. Yuki Machida, the manager, is a girl with a hard look who is bad at expressing her feelings, even though she cares about her team. Shou Naruse, the player, is younger but one of the best on his team and has that usual standoffish feel that’s common to shoujo manga. It starts with Yuki liking someone else before (not in a love triangle way) slowly realizing that she loves Naruse and they end up dating. Right now in the series, it’s mostly Yuki trying to figure out how to be in a relationship and Naruse being the affectionate one. It’s fucking adorable. I’m a sucker for these types of characters so that might be the reason I love it so much, but it’s pretty dang good. The innocence and the awkwardness on both sides is cute without being frustrating. Plus, the height difference between them is also wonderful. The art is also super clean, which is something I’m really picky about. Of course, all the guys do look 10 feet tall since it’s a basketball manga, but I’ll let that slide. This one is worth catching up on, even if you do have to wait for the next chapters still.
2. Ao Haru Ride
Ao Haru Ride is a completed manga. This one I don’t remember quite as well but I remember thinking how good it was when I first read it. Although the story does have the hated love triangles, they aren’t carried on in a way that makes you want to scream at all the characters. The story is about Futaba Yoshioka, a girl who was hated by other girls in middle school because the boys loved it so much (this sounds so weird written out). Because of this, she decides to be as uncute as possible in high school. The guy in the story is Kou Mabuchi who changed his name after losing his mother. In middle school, he was nice and friendly but in high school became rather harsh and rude. This is your typical unrequited childhood love story with the sweet moments you want. The art style might not be as sleek as some but it is definitely able to convey the emotions of all the characters. There’s an anime of this that I have not watched but I’m sure is good.
3. Special A
Special A has my favorite type of plot. The main character, Hikari Hanazono, has declared Kei Takishima to be her rival since they were six. In everything they do, she wants to be number one. But Kei is always a little ahead of her. And Kei is also in love with her. Hikari is the type that shows her emotions easily, especially when she is flustered and annoyed. Kei is the stoic type, unless Hikari is in trouble. The story follows Hikari’s attempts to best Kei while he makes her fall in love with him. The oblivious main character is one of my favorite types of tropes and I love it here. It’s cute to watch her realize her own feelings and watch them transition into being in a relationship. This manga does have the subplot of Kei being from a wealthy family who don’t approve of Hikari and all the drama that goes with it. I love the heroines in manga that don’t take shit from people and don’t want to be rescued. It sometimes feels like a rare find in a shoujo manga and I’m glad to have it here. I’ve watched the anime adaptation of this is manga and highly recommend. I sobbed my eyes out during the last episode (in a good way, I swear).
4. Last Game
Last Game has a similar plot to Special A (notice a trend). However, Last Game focuses on the boy, Naoto Yanagi, and his rival, Mikoto Kujou. Yanagi was top of the class in everything until Kujou came along. He declares her his rival and decides that he will win the “Last Game”. He wants to make her fall in love with him and then break up with her (of course, in the end, he actually falls in love with her and happily ever after). In this case, Yanagi is the one that quickly expresses his emotions while Kujou is the the practical and quiet one. She is oblivious to Yanagi’s attempts to seduce her. It kind of makes you feel bad for Yanagi throughout most of the series since you can see how much he loves her, poor guy. One of the best things about this manga is the fact that it does utilize time. It starts when the two meet in elementary and goes up to their second year in college. This makes the creation of a relationship more realistic than usual. And it is refreshing to see the characters acting a little more mature than in the normal high school shoujo manga. Also the ending for this one is adorable (aren’t they always?).
5. LDK
LDK is another ongoing shoujo manga. Like a lot of the manga I read, this one starts out with the two main characters hating each other. Aoi Nishimori hates the prince of the high school, Shuusei Kugayama, since he turned down the confession from her best friend. After a kitchen fire, the two end up living with each other after learning they are neighbors. Hate turns to love, of course. This is probably the manga on this list with the most subplots. You have the plot of Aoi’s best friend learning their together (thankfully she’s nice about it), the new neighbor who moves in and tries to steal Aoi from Shuusei, the father that dislikes the fact that his daughter lives with her boyfriend… Just to name a few. There’s a lot going on here. I do like the fact that this manga acknowledges that the couple want to have sex and the challenges involved since many stories just sort of play it off. It’s still very cute and romantic though. Also the lead guy is my favorite type so I’m probably a little biased here. This one does take a little while to update (it’s at 50 chapters already) so if you’re into it, be prepared to wait.
Honorable Mentions:
Kaichou wa Maid-Sama
I love Maid-Sama up until it gets weird (if you’ve read it, you know). Basically read to Chapter 34 for the fluff and then it’s cool to stop. Also Usui is my most problematic fav. I love him but dang, he’s a creep.
Ah! Itoshi no Banchou-sama (Dear School Gang Leader)
Dear School Gang Leader is wonderful. The problem with it is I’m sure it’s never going to end. I think it has updated once in like 4 years. It’s worth reading but you’re gonna be disappointed in the lack of a conclusion.
I am Here
I am Here is probably the cutest manga I’ve ever read in my life. It’s so cute my teeth hurt from it. It does sadly have that love-triangle trope I hate so much but it’s got enough romance for a lifetime. It’s pretty short so if you have some down time, I do recommend it.
If you’re into shoujo manga, you should check some of these out. Some of em might strike your fancy. If you’re not, I promise I’ll do a non-shoujo list someday.
