burkesincorrectquotes

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Thomas: How tall are you?

Liv: Height is a social construct.

Jacob: So, you're short.

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Thomas: I give up. I am so tired.

Xavier: Get the emergency supply!

Lars: *carries Liv and places her in front of Thomas*

Liv: *smiles*

Thomas: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO!

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Kai: Name one time I haven’t acted professional.

Xavier: You’re holding a juice box right now

Kai: It’s to stop me from spilling my juice!

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Lars: We need to distract these guys.

Kai: Leave it to me.

Kai: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Thomas & Jacob: *immediately begin arguing*

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Xavier: Do you want to play 20 Questions?

Thomas: Sure!

Xavier: Whats your favorite color?

Thomas, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like men?

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Kai: Jacob isn’t answering his phone.

Thomas: I’ll call.

Xavier: Kai and I have both tried six times each, what makes you think--

Jacob, over the phone: Hello?

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Liv: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.

Liv: And I started thinking.

Liv: Like, it was just trying to get food.

Liv: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?

Thomas: Are you ok?

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Jacob: Thomas annoyed me today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.

Liv: There is nothing special about tomorrow.

Jacob: But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as panic takes over.

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Xavier: Yo dumbass, get over here.

Kai: Okay-

Thomas, gleefully runs past: I’m coming!

Kai, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass...

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Lars: It’s dark in here.

Kai: Don’t worry dude I got this.

Kai: *stomps his feet*

Kai: *skechers light up*

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Liv: I’m going to hell.

Jacob: Probably.

Liv: I'll pick you up?

Jacob, nodding: Carpool.

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Thomas: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Kai without him noticing?

Xavier: Hey, Kai, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.

Kai, takes and swallows tracker: Pay up, loser.

Thomas:

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Jacob: I prevented a murder today.

Thomas: Really? How’d you do that?

Jacob: Self control.

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Jacob, addressing the gang: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

Xavier: But – that’s just a trash can.

Jacob: It sure is!

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Jacob: I could kill you if I wanted to, Liv.

Liv: Yeah? So could another human being.

Jacob:

Liv: So could a dog.

Jacob:

Liv: So could a dedicated duck.

Jacob:

Liv: You aren't special, Jacob.

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Jacob: You're man doesn't have the strength to caramelize onions.

Xavier: You’re man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions.

Kai: Who's fucking caramalizing onions? Have you sociopaths forgotten apples exist?

Liv: Do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions?

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Thomas: So what’s the plan? 

Lars: I don’t know. You’re smart, *points at Jacob* he's mean and *points at Xavier* he's rich, come up with something.