Ebbing flow of conscious and unconscious thoughts.

Everyday poet, everyday I'm learning, everyday writing, everyday I will be living. I'm just a woman who takes solace in writing words from her soul.

[busy-littledreamer]

Clay

I once carried the weight of two when I was only one,

shouldering every burden, and rockslide alone.

Readily I took the blame for all his sins.

Devout to him; like he was my religion,

I became devoid of my own self.

There was a flaw in my hearts design, for I kept trying to make him mine.

Everyday,

I carefully painted the mask of what he molded me to be.

Stripped away my last coat of innocence,

I put on my rose-tinted glasses,

seeing him through the eyes of a hopeful child,

pretending that he was always right,

denying my pain to myself,

I was like clay for him to play.

He didn't know that I am just water,

Everytime he put a piece of clay on my back, they slid off me cutting me with each rockslide.

I was always mud to him, the clay under his feet of the rocks he climbed.

I carried the weight of two,

Prickled and worn out,

I bled from carrying his bag of sharp clay,

Forgetting that holding it all for him was like hugging cacti.

I smiled and carried on, because he told me my sadness was my own burden to bear.

I carried the weight of him,

and today I would rather lay in the mud,

waiting until I bloom than ever do that again.

[busy-littledreamer]

Drunken Lover

Whenever you drink you end up becoming more verbally abusive to me,

saying things that are very insensitive,

acting in an incongruent way with how i know you when you’re sober. 

You’re not a nice person to me when you have had more than 6 beers. You had a 12 pack and a few more, and this is a regularity for you. Does that sound healthy?

I have a family member dying, I have ptsd from losing my dad traumatically in my youth, it’s not an excuse, grief doesn’t go away.

Grief triggers happen.

Losing my dad, I never got the adult relationship I wanted, like you get with your father, I still feel pain over it.

Show some empathy. Maybe practice humility more, be less self-centered.

I felt you were mean and insensitive and inconsiderate of my feelings,

I felt belittled and while I was already low from crying hard and having my grief trigger,

I felt like I could have been safe while being in a vulnerable place around you, however,

it felt hard for you to understand each word i said.

It made me feel like I was about to have a panic attack, with each mean word you said.

My feelings are still hurt, I’m floored by your hardened heart when you’re drunk.

If I did this back to you, would you still accept me? I doubt it.

I can compromise, but can you learn to be there for someone you care for that’s struggling?

[busy-littledreamer]

Negative Persona

It’s just the fucking struggle, that rush, that feeling.

I thought I was gonna be someone, I wanna be someone.

I come back here, feeling that my persona was never what I wanted it to be.

The “fun-time” girl is struggling, just the withdrawals, the sweat the tears, the anger.

Just one more than before, more more. Cold sweats.

In the mirror, I’m heartbroken, fearing I’ll die one day when I close my eyes, living on the cusp of death thinking it won’t be me.

I want to sail away from myself, from there here that I was to where I am now. It hurts too much being rejected because of addict-me of the past.

I just wanted to act like them, to be like them, to feel that belonging. Tried to look cool but I was emotionally vacant. Rationalize all things, sinking feeling like a failure. It brought out the demon’s inside, broken pieces that felt together with those crumbs. Looking into the mirror wondering who have I become? I swore I wanted to be someone.

I will still be someone. I can do this.

I was always scared to write this out; to face me, it’s scary but I just want to feel something again, and be someone again.

Baby steps, revamping my persona.

[langleavpoetry]

[busy-littledreamer]

flip flap

Honestly, the loyalty I feel in my heart rivals the sadness I should be feeling.

I feel like my soul is fully drained, torn between a few things and I feel like each part of me is being in pricked with acupuncture that only destroys my nerves. 

flip and I am jumping so far, trying to regain the feeling. Removing the needles, the shadows, the ego and a negative persona. Flapping my wings ready to soar again.

[busy-littledreamer]

The love I had for you

The love I had for you,

Was always there for you,

Never wavering but in my heart deep,

A little bit of something touching,

A little bit of me crying,

Each time the yearning pain of what was always comes back,

Haunting but lovingly bittersweet.

[busy-littledreamer]

Deserving

I don’t know about this one,

but I think you have to be open to love,

to accept the love with which you deserve.

[busy-littledreamer]

Where I see

When I sit down with myself,

And see myself in the future,

I have a clear vision,

Of where I wanna be,

Of what I wanna see.

[busy-littledreamer]

Spine

It’s time to put my spine back.

No matter the tears I cry,

I have to stand tall,

And hold myself up.

I can do this.

[peachysuggest]

you will unlearn all of the bad habits you taught yourself and you will grow into someone stronger than you ever imagined you could be

[6lacksoul]

[peelingmandarins]

me replying to messages 10 days late and blaming it on my busy schedule to hide the fact that my depression has me thinking simple correspondence is an actual workload:

[busy-littledreamer]

This is too real sometimes

[justlyrics]

“Hard Feelings/Loveless” by Lorde

[busy-littledreamer]

Love this enough to post twice

[insteadofdisappearing]

hard feelings / loveless - lorde

[busy-littledreamer]

I care for myself the way I used to care about you.

[busy-littledreamer]

Erasing Heart

I wanna feel something in my soul,

something deep in my fucking heart,

come on and love me a little,

lay in bed with me,

fuck me to tears until I feel again.

[busy-littledreamer]

Are we there yet?

I had a dream long ago, where a fantasy was real.

Where you opened a door, believing in something else.

Deriving emotions out of my fantasy dreams, is likely a battle with my heart.

I can sit down, watch the world go by, all alone.

I packed up all my things, threw my love in a suitcase, no intention of re-collection.

I wanted my door to be opened, I wanted to focus on a reality where I feel entirely less disconnected from the me within another me.

One where I no longer wonder if what I do with this door open, is even worth it.

There’s always a fear, an unspoken fear of showing what is truly felt, a certain silence, a refuted hesitation, unspoken glances.

I want... a calming day, where I feel I have made amends with which is my weaknesses, the parts of me I refuse to wear on my sleeves, the parts that remind me of my many bruises, where it won’t be too much to love another, a sneaky glance, where love was enough.

[busy-littledreamer]

Road

Whenever I think of you,

I contemplate the complexities of driving down a highway alone.

I also contemplate the complexities of what it means to sit in your passenger seat, 

watching the world fly by with your smile and gleam in your eyes, reflecting mine.