retired from business, new career in sad

Lora. 36. Big ol’ dyke. Hot mess/aspiring novelist. She/they/hee/haw. film blog and Letterboxd @butch4film.

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If I was a nonbinary polyamorous person I would choose the name Pocket and insist everyone call me Poly Pocket.

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Hey y’all! Missed you. Anyone still around? I made this for dinner

And this for a snack

Admittedly I got a little overwhelmed with trying to acclimate myself to my job and also trying to kick the drinking habit. Idk if I proclaimed it here, but I kind of showed my hand and got super drunk and went to the movies with my fam on my dad’s birthday and I didn’t have a handle on it so he figured it out and is on my case, as is my sister. I am happy to announce that I have mostly kicked it — I relapse with a cocktail here and there — and I just tonight I found an AA group which has meetings every week and is affiliated with the local LGBTQ Pride group so I think I’m going to that. Haven’t written much. Haven’t watched many movies. But I have been so busy with work and my health problems. We had some staffing changes recently and I have a ton of extra responsibilities so it’s stressful but I can’t believe how lucky I am to have this job! But everything hurts and I’m dying, so that’s been another big distraction. And then I long-distance dated someone for a while and did a little weekend traveling back and forth to theirs or entertained them here in my neck of the woods, but then had to fake the illness of my dog to end it like I’m in a Seinfeld episode. I was staying with them over the weekend for their bday and got the ick BIG time and had my bestie call and pretend to be my dad and left and drove thru the night thinking “am I a sociopath?” And bestie? It was because they liked anime and cosplay too much but also their special interests seemed to keep them from asking about me intuitively like I would ask and generate a convo for hours over text but I can’t name a single time they asked me a question about myself, unbidden. So it was all super confusing for me like what respect do I deserve? Do I need to overlook the Ick in the face of finding love? Do I tell them the truth? How am I supposed to deal with being so manipulative as a people pleaser?!

Which leads me to the fact that I am getting tested for autism soon! Yay! But I’ve missed it here… one of the only places on the internet wherein I can vomit my truth and not expect a ton of backlash.

Oh! I also got too high on edibles and had to go to the ER with insanely elevated vitals one weekend like a month ago and also almost a second time, too. It was terrifying and yet I think is going to change my life. I’ve been taking Mounjaro and watching my booze and caffeine and fat intake. So I don’t even really care about losing weight for the whole “feeling awful all the time” thing because I’m hoping I’m close to a solution and I AM seeing a new primary care physician on the 8th. Feels like I’m saying goodbye to my beloved aunt on her 40th birthday… I love my regular PCP to death but she is checker the hell out. I’m just hoping my psych can help me.

Please forgive me for my absence. I’m sure everyone was gagged that I was gone for the first time in like 15 years (jk).

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Just slept thru the ENTIRETY of Gladiator II

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What I need is a) to live far away and very disrabt from my parents and b) for my parents, in the few years we share, to be tolerable even if I didn’t move because tbh if they didn’t birth me, I would have ZERO reasons to even talk to them.

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I am so sick of my dad getting mad and passive aggressive over me and my sister not meeting his sky high and obfuscated rules about cleanliness in his house like sorry I didn’t really grasp that I should put down a towel for my dog to walk in when he came inside from peeing in the snow. Fucking fuck my stupid ass like he made me feel like an absolute idiot, I got mad and slammed my door so I’m sure I’m going to pay for that later like sorry I’m crying because this is not something that a person almost in their middle aged years should fucking have to deal with — constant judgment and rating your efforts with a draconian scale meant to make you look like a lazy uninformed baby. It’s just so fucking insanely difficult to be judged for your choices constantly. I’M FUCKING 36! Make it fucking end!!!!!

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Not a mural of female icons of art with their heads grafted onto the characters from HBO’s “Girls” like first season promo photo in the bathroom of this Mexican brunch place I had to like bend over from laughing so hard the minute I realized what it was lmaoooo

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They even have the same clothes I’m dyyyyiiiinnnngggg

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Not a mural of female icons of art with their heads grafted onto the characters from HBO’s “Girls” like first season promo photo in the bathroom of this Mexican brunch place I had to like bend over from laughing so hard the minute I realized what it was lmaoooo

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The other night at Friendsgiving we were playing Taboo (if you’re not familiar, you get a word on a card that also has a list of words you can’t say as you try to get your friends to guess the main word, so like let’s say they have to guess the word “dog,” but you can’t say “furry,” “pet” or “tail”) and my friend got the word “witch” and he goes “uhhh… Halloween… woman?” And my other friend goes “witch!” I have no clue how he got that so fast but he was right so I just kept laughing and referencing it all night but honestly every time I see something about Wicked since, I’m like “heh, Halloween women”

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Every time I go for a mammogram I want to keep the kimono-esque gown top they put me in and then I’ll be on like ASOS men’s plus site looking for a kimono top. Don’t let me do this.

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Between my 10 year long daily weed habit and my (presumably) long covid I can’t really sing anymore and it breaks my heart because singing gave me purpose in hard times in high school and even since, very very often. It made me feel joyful, and good about myself, and I just loved it so much. And if I could do it all again or go back in time I would shake 25 year old me and be like “if you have to smoke, do it on weekends and not all the fucking time you self-destructive little clown.” Other than the way long Covid has diminished my lung capacity severely I definitely have nodes and damaged vocal cords from singing when I shouldn’t and smoking and being an idiot. It was a hefty price to pay and I wish I hadn’t paid it. There were times when I could tell that smoking had made my voice richer and fuller and more colorful but like… I should have stopped then. I’m so stupid.

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Not to promote unhealthiness but there is something enticingly ballsy about people who still smoke cigs. I can probably never consciously smoke one again considering how fucking awful my lungs are (I’ve only smoked very rarely on and off since college and not at all for quite some time since) but idk, I gotta support our unhealthy steadfast smokers who embrace being reckless and care free. I mean, very Anthony Bourdain “here for a good time not a long time, it’s the only life we get” ethos and I’m sorry… I am in awe of it. Also tobacco is a working class drug. You ever have a job where you get extra breaks if you smoke? It’s an excuse to go outside. It’s hard to say no to that privilege, and almost every smoker I know has been in the service industry. Like, maybe start caring about your health someday because someone probably loves you, but also you’re embracing the animalistic dangerous zest of life, and that should be an inspiration to us all in some tiny way. Maybe the lesson to take away is to eat the cannoli some times or smoke the bowl with your friends or fry the bacon and eat seven strips or get a little day drunk. Live your life!

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theyre going to kill me because nobody in history has acted strangely and im the very first

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Also my mom took me to my appointment and her car had a noticeable shimmy on the highway and she was saying she might have to buy a car soon and I know enough about her savings (and shopping addiction) to know that would absolutely drain her and I said, “well, sorry to get political but bear in mind that most economists warn that Trump’s tariff plans are going to cost people an average of an extra $3000 a year.” A logical fair point imho. She counters, absurdly, with “well our county taxes are going up so we can pay for an ambulance service. They always put the cost increases on tax payers” and I was like “…ok but the tariffs will find companies passing the cost onto consumers, many companies have already confirmed that they plan to do this” and she said nothing. Also, your tax money going to an ambulance service is a net positive for our community and you should praise that as an ex fucking EMT. JEEEZZZZZ. This reminds me of the time I told her of a potential Republican bill to raise the sales tax on everyone and she’s like “at least people will pay their fair share” ok but the fair thing is to tax super rich people because they make astronomically more than 99% of Americans and should ABSOLUTELY pay more but sure, let’s instead support a stupid idea that would make the middle and lower classes absolutely miserable… you don’t need to stick it to poor people as a side effect of “everyone pays their fair share.” A fair share would see millionaires and billionaires paying an incredibly large amount of taxes that, sorry! Will not significantly affect their bottom line. WHY is she so fucking stupid? Why do these right wing morons cape so fucking hard for billionaires who would rather see them dead than sacrifice one dollar?!

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Crazy eyes for some reason but guess whose breasts are free and clear of cancer yet again?! The mammogram technician told me I need to come back in a year and then not again until I’m 40 and I’m like oh joy, I get maybe two years with no mammograms before I’m resigned to them for the rest of my life? Score.

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Saw Wicked and it was terrific, I was so wrong to be skeptical, but fuck I’m so glad I masked… the coughing was near constant. Especially from kids just uncovered mouth hacking wet coughs and this one little girl who sounded like she needed to be at urgent care, not at a fucking movie. Like I just wanted to stand up and shout THIS IS NOT NORMAL! Coughing and being sick ALL the time is not normallllll!!!!! Care about yourselves and if you don’t, at least try to care for your kids, god dammit.