my freshman year of college, i had a huge crush on my suitemate. she was a white girl. and a devout christian.
it really tickles me in hindsight because i've literally never looked at a white person romantically/intimately before [or after] her.
she was also the first girl i remember ever having a crush on. like a crush where i could name what i was feeling and pinpoint where my desire was being directed. (editor's note: i specify because i definitely had crushes on a couple girls in high school but didn't realize whyyy i'd developed such an affinity for my co-worker or my playbigsister)
anyway, it was a double whammy. what's even funnier is that i used to blog about her on here YEARS ago. like fifteen years. but i was embarrassed that she was white so all my lil poems/posts were mad discrete.
i liked Lin because she was kind. and a goofball. a big one actually. and she was so curious about me/my life. very thoughtful. and for a white, she was pretty cute. like objectively.
she invited me to all her lil church gatherings. Lin was HEAVY in them pews, boy. like she LOVED jesus and all church-related activities. but she wasn't like other christians i'd known. or other white people i'd known, for that matter. first, she didn't annoy me. she never tried to "act black" or speak with a blaccent. she called out any racism or bigotry that she witnessed. she didn't judge me when i questioned my own faith. or when i started deconstructing altogether. she didn't judge me when i admitted to her that i was bisexual. she didn't judge me for drinking or smoking. like, she just never switched up.
Lin always wanted to hang out. we did everything and nothing together. she even had me over her mom's house for sleepovers. her mom was so sweet. and it'd be just the two of us. well, three. she didn't even invite our other suitemates lol. now them two? they were actually annoying.
once she told me why she was so into the church. because she was drinking and doing drugs in highschool and had a really rough time. shorty had already been an addict and in recovery by the time we were 18. it was hard to envision given her then-holy nature. but that helped me understand why she was so understanding. she was really up front with her past and i think christianity became that recovery tool for her. i didn't judge.
she also... never liked any guys. or never admitted to liking any anyway. not even celebrities. like, she would maybe say a guy was cute. but she had a pretty big aversion to dating altogether. even the christian dudes. and there were a lot of them in her church groups.
now i've known a lot of christians in my life. and jesus ain't ever stop any of them folks from dippin' they toes in the dating pool. even if it was just an all-christian pool. ijs.
i remember she came into our dorm one day and i was crying because i was admitting to myself that i wasn't straight and she hugged me and told me that jesus loves me no matter what.
there was a point in time where she didn't like sleeping in her own bed so she'd come to my side (our rooms were connected by a bathroom) and crawl into my bed. this happened very often. and if you've been in a dorm (especially an old one), you know them twin beds be small as shit. i never questioned it or kicked her out, though. we didn't cuddle. just slept together.
i remember i'd get so flustered by her sleeping so close to me that i'd whip out my laptop and hop on tumblr just to write about her. so dramatic.
one time, we went to the big field on campus. i'm blanking on the name. something square or something circle. anyway, i brought my little point and shoot and we took pictures in the grass. i'd just did my big chop and thought the pictures were so cute i uploaded them to facebook.
tell me why my mom texts me "i know Lin is a cute girl but...."
i genuinely don't remember what the rest of the message read but she basically said "she's cute, but don't be going gay!" isn't that wild? this is like 2 years before i was ever outed. i was so annoyed! i remember looking at the pictures like, what is she talking about? they're actually still up and i still think they're harmless to this day. (evidence below)
whew my mom was scared, honey.
maybe it was just because we were close and i was very curious about women. touching them. kissing them. dating them. and since i hadn't done any of the above yet and Lin was such a sweetheart, it was easy to project those desires onto her.
but there were also these little moments that would make me think otherwise. like this one day, it was just the two of us hanging out in the dorm. i'm sitting crosslegged on my bed. Lin comes in and lays her head in my lap. completely unprovoked. i remember it vividly because she'd never done that before. we weren't really a physically affectionate pair (even though we slept in the same bed consistently lol). but after the initial surprise, i almost instinctually started combing my fingers through her hair. i can't recall how long this moment lasted but there were no words. no giggling, no nothing. and at one point she stops, props herself up and turns around to look at me. she doesn't say anything. neither do i. we just kinda stare at each other for a few seconds.
and that was that. she just turned right back around. her head. my lap.
we ended up leaving our dorm shortly after to hang out on campus.
it's been over a decade and i can still time travel to that moment. for years, i wanted to know what she was thinking then. but never brought it up. never told her how i felt about her either. which was probably for the best.
can't lie, i'm still curious. just plain curious though, no extra stuff.
every couple of years or so, i'll check out her ig. she still goes on christian mission trips (yikes) and mostly posts those or pictures of her family and friends. she doesn't seem to have changed a bit. and aside from the occasional haircut, she looks just like she did back in 2009.
we only lived together freshman year, but stayed cool all throughout college. i eventually found my tribe. the poets, the rappers, the queers. and she went on to become even more involved in the church. she was like a youth group leader or something. but we'd hang out ever so often to catch up; i eventually stopped going to the church stuff she invited me to. she didn't seem to mind. she even came to my house in atl and met my parents. my mom and her hit it off big time on the christian shit.
and still, throughout all 5 years of us both being at that school, she never admitted to liking anyone. still never seen her post anything dating-related online. no guys. no girls. nobody.
i'm not obtuse. i know just because someone doesn't post about their private life doesn't mean they not gettin' it in. but that also seems so rare to me!
y'know my gay heart thinks everybody's a litttttttle *bends wrists*
the last time me and Lin had any sort of communication was on ig back in 2019. i replied to a story confirming that she still looked identical to her sister. she agreed. that was it.
but it still makes me wonder to this day.
one thing about my curiosity... it gets to a point. i think i have to know now.
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