two homies coming to visit this week. pride this weekend. leaving for berlin the weekend after.
feeling covered. feeling grateful. feeling excited and a lil anxious. feeling like summer has officially commenced.

Andulka
Three Goblin Art
Xuebing Du
i don't do bad sauce passes

tannertan36
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AnasAbdin

@theartofmadeline

Love Begins

Janaina Medeiros
Mike Driver
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
d e v o n

Discoholic 🪩
Show & Tell

JVL
Keni
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
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@butterscotchblues
two homies coming to visit this week. pride this weekend. leaving for berlin the weekend after.
feeling covered. feeling grateful. feeling excited and a lil anxious. feeling like summer has officially commenced.
in search of our mother's gardens.
i've been hearing about this author and her books on a lot of the black romance TBR lists for a couple years now it seems. my suspicions were indeed confirmed. it felt like the equivalent of reading a spicy Lifetime movie. no shade! damn near 400 pages and i read it in two days. but yea, reminds me of those prime Terry McMillan, Eric Jerome Dickey days. this would have definitely been sitting on my mama's bookshelf in 2003. highly predictable but really cute and super low stakes. and set in atlanta *rolls eyes* lol. a welcomed relief from the heaviness i been reading lately.
i googled if there was a movie adaption being made and yes. she signed a deal with peacock.
haha, i will be tuning in.
binge. purge.
the day before i quit drinking, i binge drank that entire day and ended the night at my favorite local bar. shit-faced.
the week before i quit tiktok, i was averaging 10+ hours of screen time. just nonstop doomscrolling.
and the week before i quit weed, i was poppin' a 50mg edible everyday.
i have no idea why i'm like this, but i seem to have a pattern when it comes to quitting my vices.
please, ion need no more things to quit. ase.
latina transwomen overthrowing the government, falling in love, and jumping through quantum realities. when they said we'd need to dream up new worlds, my bish micha cardenas said BET.
i'd been feeling pretty lonely and isolated for a good bit of april. decided to take a new friend up on their offer of joining "queer pickleball" in the park. i finally mustered up the courage? energy? to go. didn't really know what to expect but ended up learning a new game with a handful of black millenial gays by the water. what a pleasant surprise.
cleaned up the crib. reached out to friends. got poured into. explored some creative ideas i've been sitting on.
real medicinal. writing this to keep in mind for the next time the blehhh tries taking over my life.
i fantasize about taking care of people.
like whenever i think about having all of my material needs met. and whenever i think about having overflow, i always fantasize about blessing other folx. like real big blessing$$$.
there are two people that always come to mind right after my parents and elders. two people who i don't even talk to that often. just a couple friends i've had over the last decade and some change. as long as i've known them, life just never seems to let up on them. especially financially.
and i dream about offering them stability. the types of things that they'd create, the types of things they'd do and become, the peace of mind they'd get to have... i know it'd be phenomenal. because they're talented regardless. and i can see their talents blossoming, thriving, them becoming so damn successful.
i don't doubt they'll be that without being randomly tricked on by me, but damn.. why poor black folx always gotta get it out the mud?
i blame tyler perry.
i've had this book for like 2 years and it finally called to me. 8/10
incredible writing. incredible world building. i love books that tell the stories of multiple characters and have them intertwine in different ways. what is that called?
anyway, really enjoyed. though i'd prefer less characters to focus on 'cause by the end i was flipping back like "wait, who was that again?" lol
i want to read Necessary Fiction by her too.
sn: ngl, as a queer... i have very little desire to visit Nigeria. as beautiful as these books are, they are DAMN tragic.
magic, probably.
a few hours ago i reached out to a dear friend who i haven't heard from in a while. she's been on my heart for sometime now. this morning though, after i hit her up, she told me she got into a car accident (everyone's okay) and said how timely my message was.
a few hours later, i receive a message from my cousin saying "been thinking about you heavy" which is almost verbatim what i sent my friend this morning.
idk man, maybe we are all just lil mushrooms.
incognito.
deactivated my ig last week of december and honestly, fuck yes.
i took all social media apps off my phone and can only access tiktok, substack, or tumblr on my tablet or pc. if i'm on my phone, its either to talk to somebody, check my emails, or play chess.
results? i've finished three books in less than three months. and i cannot remember the last time that's happened.
i'm definitely getting rid of tiktok next. the misinformation and fearmongering on that app is insane. apparently people are circulating ai war videos? oh no. count me tf out.
yesterday i saw an ai ad and they used breonna taylor's likeness TO SELL SOME SHIT. i kid you not. it was an ai breonna taylor selling a product in an ad. talking and everything.
i'm over it man. i noticed my brain fog getting foggier. it's become hard to recall really simple words during conversations. and my eyesight has very obviously weakened. now i'm not saying all that is due to doomscrolling but staring at a screen for work, then getting off work to hop on another itty bitty screen for countless hours is pretty sick. and even if i don't do it everyday, enough is enough.
it's so so easy to get sucked into the news cycle. genocides, blockades, ww3, ice chaos, data centers, ai bullshit, and repeat. it's hard not to feel the need to stay abreast on the latest terrible thing.
but i'm at a point now where i feel like i know everything i need to know. y'know? like, i still tap into local news and al jazeera but i do not need countless random people telling me how bad it is outside throughout every hour of the day.
so now what do we do with all the knowing? work. and i don't mean 9 to 5.
we work. internally and externally.
we work. we lift. we meditate. we create. we grieve. we get fed up. we boycott. we learn skills. we organize and volunteer. we reject this souless future that these parasites want so desperately to usher us into at every single turn.
we alchemize. we prepare.
and we hop off our damn phones.
surprised i hadn't heard more [harsh] criticism about this book before i checked it out. it was such a beautifully devastating read, which seems to be the theme of my 2026 tbr list so far.
but uh...can we please address the elephant in the room? never in my life have i rooted for the sexual or romantic entanglement of two first cousins.
and this novel will not be the start lmao. i think i'm more disturbed by the casualness in which emezi introduces us to this really sticky and awfully confusing relationship than i am by the many internal and external struggles multiple characters face while existing as young queer people in a country that will literally burn you alive for being gay.
like, these young folx have enough to deal with. why was incest such a necessary plot point? i have so many questions.
osita and vivek's affair made me think of mary and chike and how chike's adoration for mary was misplaced at the start of their relationship. the only difference is mary stood on what she knew was "right" and that meant being loyal to her new husband.
those boundaries weren't clear when it came to osita and vivek though. obviously. mary and chike also weren't blood related... eh, but walk with me..
if something as magical as ahunna's scar being passed down to her grandchild is possible, then maybe desire can do the same? idk, this is literally me trying to make sense of the cousin fucking LOL. after i finished the book, i had to jump on reddit to make sure i wasn't tripping.
aside from... that, incredible writing. it held me hostage for 5 days straight.
one thing has been made excruciatingly clear to me. the queer naijas be penned downnnnnn.
i mean, at least they warn you.
justice for bessem and fati oh my god.
life lately.
grand isle: went camping on the coast and had the entire beach to ourselves. i can't remember the last time waves crashed that close to me as i slept. what a gift.
pictured: hardboiled eggs with seasoning, avocado, sauteed red potatoes tossed in orange pepper jelly bacon jam and crispy bacon. breakfasts at home have been so intentional, creative, and delicious these days. i don't think i've ever enjoyed breakfast this much.
mardi gras came and went. nomtoc is hands down my favorite part. the west bank is so cute and black and rooted. the best way i can describe nomtoc is like a giant extended family gathering alongside a black ass parade.
current reads.
more food creativity stuff. roasted lamb, eggplant, carrot and angel hair.
deviled eggs with avocado and kewpie mayo. thank me later.
sometimes its like i'm just fading into oblivion. or like i'm an ephemeral spark in a universal circuit. i'm endlessly aware of how temporary all of this shit is. like what do you fucking mean.
and i still go on my walks and do my stretches. lift my weights and move my body because it really does help as hard as it is to get the shoes pulled on in the dead of winter.
sitting out in the backyard on my makeshift benchpress. eyes closed, faced toward the sun. it ain't cold cold in nola but i be havin to wear a lil sleeve here and there. but man, yea new terrible things. new beautiful, grounding things. happening everyday.
i'm tryna cut sugar now, realized i'm addicted to that too. i stopped saying i'm sober. cause these days a spliff hates to see me comin. and i can feel a shroom trip on the horizon. but the liqa sto still ain't seen the kid. 922 days now. a win is a fucking win.
i've gone from wanting to enroll into electrical construction at the community college to contemplating putting a deposit down for a herbalism course at a local farm. my job makes me feel like such a normie. and i haven't had the desire to do any hobby outside of reading and watching movies.
the other night me and bug were driving down canal st and saw three national guard folx strolling the sidewalk. two were black. one, he looked like a baby i swear, was carrying a gun bigger than his torso. just stupid. it made me angry. then sad.
bought a couple books from baldwin & co. this bookstore coffee shop situation inspired by james baldwin. the first is these letters end in tears, a cameroonian lesbian romance novel. the second is queen mother and it's about audley moore. i'm reading sister outsider now and have been needing to pace myself. you kinda have to since it's a collection of things and not a story.
--
really love.
in 2014, me and pro had this gig going around the city passing out fliers. it was a bullshit job but we were like 21-22 so what job wasn't? we'd mostly hit up parking lots and tuck the fliers in people's drivers' side windows. person to person contact was just too embarrassing.
i don't even remember how much the gig paid or the name of the people we were working for but we had enough for our food, paul masson, and weed stashes so it didn't matter.
anyway, one of the last flyer gigs we had was for AfroPunk. they were announcing a "secret" headliner for the festival and we were given the distinct honor of informing our local communities lol. we heard through the grapevine that the secret act was d'angelo but nothing was confirmed. it'd been fourteen years since anyone had heard anything from the legend so it felt like a 50/50 chance the rumor was right.
i was dating bless at the time. we were long distance like we've always been and i'm pretty sure by then we were officially girlfriends.
anyway, i can hardly recall what string of events led to us deciding to meet up in brooklyn for AfroPunk that summer but it all happened and by end of August, there we were--sitting across from one another on the subway. i hadn't been to new york since i was 16, and here i was in brooklyn as a baby adult? with my lover? for AFROPUNK? oh trust, i was full on romanticizing it all.
i have a few favorite memories from that trip but one took place when me and bless lost each other at the festival. i think their phone died or some shit. and in an attempt to not panic, i decided to take a nap in the middle of the park. probably one of my most carefree moments. i remember sza was singing on a stage in the background. 2014 sza serenaded me to sleep, live. what a time, man.
anyway, excellent nap. top tier.
i looked for bless everywhere and i knew they were looking for me too. but in the process of scouring the park, i'd run into some tumblr fam, saw lianne la havas' fine ass perform, the internet, and meshell ndegeocello. there were beautiful black people everywhere you looked.
if i'm remembering correctly, meshell was the last person to go on before the mystery headliner. the sun had started to set and at this point, the panic was full blown. i needed to find my shorty before it got dark.
it was magical when we finally locked eyes. i could tell they'd been looking all over for me too. the way we ran into each other's arms haha. such a sweet memory.
and what felt like just minutes later, it happens. the stage lights up. and questlove walks out and sits behind the drums. shortly after, the guitarist walks out and starts strumming. the rest of the band walks out one by one. the crowd cheering for each member.
last but not least, THE d'angelo walks on out and sits behind the piano. the crowd goes up but honestly, he looked so different, that if you were far away it'd be hard to confirm that this was the same guy from our childhoods. maybe i'm just speaking for myself lol.
for the next hour, they all sang and played Black Messiah top to bottom. and for the first time in my life, i got to see the man that for so long just sang to me through speakers and tv screens, sing brand new material for everyone in that park.
with my lover. during a brooklyn summer. at afropunk.
lin.
my freshman year of college, i had a huge crush on my suitemate. she was a white girl. and a devout christian.
it really tickles me in hindsight because i've literally never looked at a white person romantically/intimately before [or after] her.
she was also the first girl i remember ever having a crush on. like a crush where i could name what i was feeling and pinpoint where my desire was being directed. (editor's note: i specify because i definitely had crushes on a couple girls in high school but didn't realize whyyy i'd developed such an affinity for my co-worker or my playbigsister)
anyway, it was a double whammy. what's even funnier is that i used to blog about her on here YEARS ago. like fifteen years. but i was embarrassed that she was white so all my lil poems/posts were mad discrete.
let's call her Lin.
i liked Lin because she was kind. and a goofball. a big one actually. and she was so curious about me/my life. very thoughtful. and for a white, she was pretty cute. like objectively.
she invited me to all her lil church gatherings. Lin was HEAVY in them pews, boy. like she LOVED jesus and all church-related activities. but she wasn't like other christians i'd known. or other white people i'd known, for that matter. first, she didn't annoy me. she never tried to "act black" or speak with a blaccent. she called out any racism or bigotry that she witnessed. she didn't judge me when i questioned my own faith. or when i started deconstructing altogether. she didn't judge me when i admitted to her that i was bisexual. she didn't judge me for drinking or smoking. like, she just never switched up.
Lin always wanted to hang out. we did everything and nothing together. she even had me over her mom's house for sleepovers. her mom was so sweet. and it'd be just the two of us. well, three. she didn't even invite our other suitemates lol. now them two? they were actually annoying.
once she told me why she was so into the church. because she was drinking and doing drugs in highschool and had a really rough time. shorty had already been an addict and in recovery by the time we were 18. it was hard to envision given her then-holy nature. but that helped me understand why she was so understanding. she was really up front with her past and i think christianity became that recovery tool for her. i didn't judge.
she also... never liked any guys. or never admitted to liking any anyway. not even celebrities. like, she would maybe say a guy was cute. but she had a pretty big aversion to dating altogether. even the christian dudes. and there were a lot of them in her church groups.
now i've known a lot of christians in my life. and jesus ain't ever stop any of them folks from dippin' they toes in the dating pool. even if it was just an all-christian pool. ijs.
i remember she came into our dorm one day and i was crying because i was admitting to myself that i wasn't straight and she hugged me and told me that jesus loves me no matter what.
there was a point in time where she didn't like sleeping in her own bed so she'd come to my side (our rooms were connected by a bathroom) and crawl into my bed. this happened very often. and if you've been in a dorm (especially an old one), you know them twin beds be small as shit. i never questioned it or kicked her out, though. we didn't cuddle. just slept together.
i remember i'd get so flustered by her sleeping so close to me that i'd whip out my laptop and hop on tumblr just to write about her. so dramatic.
one time, we went to the big field on campus. i'm blanking on the name. something square or something circle. anyway, i brought my little point and shoot and we took pictures in the grass. i'd just did my big chop and thought the pictures were so cute i uploaded them to facebook.
tell me why my mom texts me "i know Lin is a cute girl but...."
i genuinely don't remember what the rest of the message read but she basically said "she's cute, but don't be going gay!" isn't that wild? this is like 2 years before i was ever outed. i was so annoyed! i remember looking at the pictures like, what is she talking about? they're actually still up and i still think they're harmless to this day. (evidence below)
whew my mom was scared, honey.
maybe it was just because we were close and i was very curious about women. touching them. kissing them. dating them. and since i hadn't done any of the above yet and Lin was such a sweetheart, it was easy to project those desires onto her.
but there were also these little moments that would make me think otherwise. like this one day, it was just the two of us hanging out in the dorm. i'm sitting crosslegged on my bed. Lin comes in and lays her head in my lap. completely unprovoked. i remember it vividly because she'd never done that before. we weren't really a physically affectionate pair (even though we slept in the same bed consistently lol). but after the initial surprise, i almost instinctually started combing my fingers through her hair. i can't recall how long this moment lasted but there were no words. no giggling, no nothing. and at one point she stops, props herself up and turns around to look at me. she doesn't say anything. neither do i. we just kinda stare at each other for a few seconds.
and that was that. she just turned right back around. her head. my lap.
we ended up leaving our dorm shortly after to hang out on campus.
it's been over a decade and i can still time travel to that moment. for years, i wanted to know what she was thinking then. but never brought it up. never told her how i felt about her either. which was probably for the best.
can't lie, i'm still curious. just plain curious though, no extra stuff.
every couple of years or so, i'll check out her ig. she still goes on christian mission trips (yikes) and mostly posts those or pictures of her family and friends. she doesn't seem to have changed a bit. and aside from the occasional haircut, she looks just like she did back in 2009.
we only lived together freshman year, but stayed cool all throughout college. i eventually found my tribe. the poets, the rappers, the queers. and she went on to become even more involved in the church. she was like a youth group leader or something. but we'd hang out ever so often to catch up; i eventually stopped going to the church stuff she invited me to. she didn't seem to mind. she even came to my house in atl and met my parents. my mom and her hit it off big time on the christian shit.
and still, throughout all 5 years of us both being at that school, she never admitted to liking anyone. still never seen her post anything dating-related online. no guys. no girls. nobody.
i'm not obtuse. i know just because someone doesn't post about their private life doesn't mean they not gettin' it in. but that also seems so rare to me!
y'know my gay heart thinks everybody's a litttttttle *bends wrists*
the last time me and Lin had any sort of communication was on ig back in 2019. i replied to a story confirming that she still looked identical to her sister. she agreed. that was it.
but it still makes me wonder to this day.
one thing about my curiosity... it gets to a point. i think i have to know now.
to be continued.
i stopped counting.
a little after hitting my 2 year alcohol-free milestone, i decided to delete my sobriety counter app. mostly because after year 2, the only other date milestones i plan to "celebrate" are the year marks. and i don't need an app for that. all the other milestones happen as they come and are more about whatever i'm experiencing rather than how many days its been.
like oh wow, it's my first time doing [insert activity] without drinking!
i can't even think of one that's happened recently lol but they be happening and i be acknowledgin'.
also i think being alcohol-free became a little bit of my personality that first year or so which sometimes makes me cringe a bit BUT whatever. there are worse things to obsess over. it was like being born again fr lmao.
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i'm closing out my first year in new orleans. what a ride, man. it didn't go by too fast or too slow. it all unraveled with good pacing, i think. which i'm grateful for considering the very real shitshow happening in our um... political landscape?
fucking politics, man. people's lives. politics. this some real regressive ass shit. debating people's lives. and calling it fucking politics. its degenerate. dressed up and paraded around as "layered" and forward thinking and its all WEIRD. they are literally sacrificing human lives in the name of their god (jesus? capitalism? whiteness?). and you gon tell me they ain't twist that book up for their own manifestations? they have elaborate systems that are created to extract human life. weather through war, or trafficking, capitalism, the healthcare system, the prison system, drugs, pollution. whatever man.
they are sacrificing humans. CHILDREN MOSTLY. and calling it fucking politics.
like when you really really look at it.
they perform human sacrifice. everyday. all over the world really, but shit get a different kind of spooky the darker the people are.
and what is it all for? who is it all for? it can't just be money man. i don't buy it.
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i also hate trying to make sense of senselessness.