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after twenty years of only playing casually, i may or may not have enrolled into chess academy. this is from a friday night social where we solved puzzles while eating assorted fruits and drank soursop mocktails.

today i'm three years alcohol-free.

three years ago i woke up with yet another insane hangover after nearly 24 hours of binge drinking and knew it needed to be my last.

funny enough, this morning i woke up with a headache. but i'll take one of these over one of those any day.

i don't have a whole lot to say. it just feels so good to be here.

shout out to me, my lover, AA, sober black girls club, long aimless walks, mocktails, na beer, the gym, harm reduction methods, solitude, hobbies, and the gift of gratitude.

all love, always.

jumped in my color grading bag. i've always loved watching the process so i decided to become a part of it. gonna shoot and color a clip a day for as long as i wanna and see how my skills improve. also, its fun.

here's the before:

1. a few weeks ago, minah came into town and we got to hang out for a few hours on a tuesday. she comes to new orleans every few months and its always such a treat to link up. we first met at the top of my last year in atlanta and were damn near glued at the hip the whole spring + summer. as times moves on, it feels rare to find connections that instant and easy. which i hate to admit, but its true.

anyway, i picked her up off dauphine and took her to my pickleball meet up. we walked the riverfront, she played horribly (but had fun lol), and then we went to our favorite sausage spot off frenchmen st. it was such a sweet time. we had a hard conversation that i was not excited to have but we had it and it was good and i feel like we're closer for it.

2. i think i've mentioned it here before but i don't really miss people any more. dead folx not included. but idk, i used to live in the realm of the longing. i thrived there. missing people. missing closeness. missing old times. nostalgia had me wrapped around its finger for most of my life, it seems. but that doesn't ring true any longer. not since moving. i'm so curious about what that means or why that's changed. i thought for sure moving away from home would only increase the missing. but it's, in a way, liberated me from it.

3. coco came to stay with us a couple weeks ago. she was here to shoot some events for pride weekend. it was a lil unnerving at first. hosting people always is. preparing to make someone comfortable in your home can be so draining no matter who it is. and i didn't think i'd be into going out but we ended up having a ball. my sortakinda ex has a queer event business and her and her business partner travel the country hosting lesbian/queer events for black and brown folx and so they came down to nola. i'm genuinely surprised at how much fun it was. plus we got in vip for everything. it took a minute to adjust to back to back outings but yea, i'm glad i got out. even bae came out and had some fun. we went to a cute mixer, then lounge/dance party event and finally a pool party. i met some new queer cuties and saw some friends. introduced new friends to old. real good stuff. this was my first time ever having coco as a guest, i'm so grateful we got to spend time. it was so chill. that's my nigga for life, for real.

4. BERLIN! literally four days after sending coco off, me and bae left for germany. i think in total it was like a 12 hour flight. with a layover in JFK. i think i gotta make a whole separate post about germany. the program we were involved in had our days booked from sun up to sun down. we hardly got to see berlin on our own but still saw SO MUCH. we were on the trains and buses damn near every day. we traveled all around berlin, to leipzig, and to bradenburg. and damn we ate good and for FREE. hard to ask for much more. so yea, we definitely decided we'll be going back. but next time with our own schedules.

berlin made me wanna make some ART. i ended up sharing my music with my new german friends and they started sharing with their friends and the love was honestly both overwhelming and suprising.

idk what's next for me music wise but i'm enjoying figuring it all out. and making cool connections along the way.

5. we're back home now, the jet lag was real for bae but somehow i hopped right back into regular life. a couple of nights ago, we celebrated our homie's 43rd birthday. it was such a sweet time. she's a film head so we all got together, broke bread, listened to music and then had a screening for a movie titled The Handmaid. unfortunately some allergy meds i had took me out the game but it looked like a brilliant film. will definitely have to rewatch on my own.

i'm really grateful for the community i'm building here. these definitely aren't like.. instantly close connections but the slow burn is sweet. and feels intentional.

---

all love, always.

in search of our mother's gardens.

i've been hearing about this author and her books on a lot of the black romance TBR lists for a couple years now it seems. my suspicions were indeed confirmed. it felt like the equivalent of reading a spicy Lifetime movie. no shade! damn near 400 pages and i read it in two days. but yea, reminds me of those prime Terry McMillan, Eric Jerome Dickey days. this would have definitely been sitting on my mama's bookshelf in 2003. highly predictable but really cute and super low stakes. and set in atlanta *rolls eyes* lol. a welcomed relief from the heaviness i been reading lately.

i googled if there was a movie adaption being made and yes. she signed a deal with peacock.

haha, i will be tuning in.

latina transwomen overthrowing the government, falling in love, and jumping through quantum realities. when they said we'd need to dream up new worlds, my bish micha cardenas said BET.

i'd been feeling pretty lonely and isolated for a good bit of april. decided to take a new friend up on their offer of joining "queer pickleball" in the park. i finally mustered up the courage? energy? to go. didn't really know what to expect but ended up learning a new game with a handful of black millenial gays by the water. what a pleasant surprise.

cleaned up the crib. reached out to friends. got poured into. explored some creative ideas i've been sitting on.

real medicinal. writing this to keep in mind for the next time the blehhh tries taking over my life.

i fantasize about taking care of people.

like whenever i think about having all of my material needs met. and whenever i think about having overflow, i always fantasize about blessing other folx. like real big blessing$$$.

there are two people that always come to mind right after my parents and elders. two people who i don't even talk to that often. just a couple friends i've had over the last decade and some change. as long as i've known them, life just never seems to let up on them. especially financially.

and i dream about offering them stability. the types of things that they'd create, the types of things they'd do and become, the peace of mind they'd get to have... i know it'd be phenomenal. because they're talented regardless. and i can see their talents blossoming, thriving, them becoming so damn successful.

i don't doubt they'll be that without being randomly tricked on by me, but damn.. why poor black folx always gotta get it out the mud?

i blame tyler perry.

i've had this book for like 2 years and it finally called to me. 8/10

incredible writing. incredible world building. i love books that tell the stories of multiple characters and have them intertwine in different ways. what is that called?

anyway, really enjoyed. though i'd prefer less characters to focus on 'cause by the end i was flipping back like "wait, who was that again?" lol

i want to read Necessary Fiction by her too.

sn: ngl, as a queer... i have very little desire to visit Nigeria. as beautiful as these books are, they are DAMN tragic.

magic, probably.

a few hours ago i reached out to a dear friend who i haven't heard from in a while. she's been on my heart for sometime now. this morning though, after i hit her up, she told me she got into a car accident (everyone's okay) and said how timely my message was.

a few hours later, i receive a message from my cousin saying "been thinking about you heavy" which is almost verbatim what i sent my friend this morning.

idk man, maybe we are all just lil mushrooms.

incognito.

deactivated my ig last week of december and honestly, fuck yes.

i took all social media apps off my phone and can only access tiktok, substack, or tumblr on my tablet or pc. if i'm on my phone, its either to talk to somebody, check my emails, or play chess.

results? i've finished three books in less than three months. and i cannot remember the last time that's happened.

i'm definitely getting rid of tiktok next. the misinformation and fearmongering on that app is insane. apparently people are circulating ai war videos? oh no. count me tf out.

yesterday i saw an ai ad and they used breonna taylor's likeness TO SELL SOME SHIT. i kid you not. it was an ai breonna taylor selling a product in an ad. talking and everything.

i'm over it man. i noticed my brain fog getting foggier. it's become hard to recall really simple words during conversations. and my eyesight has very obviously weakened. now i'm not saying all that is due to doomscrolling but staring at a screen for work, then getting off work to hop on another itty bitty screen for countless hours is pretty sick. and even if i don't do it everyday, enough is enough.

it's so so easy to get sucked into the news cycle. genocides, blockades, ww3, ice chaos, data centers, ai bullshit, and repeat. it's hard not to feel the need to stay abreast on the latest terrible thing.

but i'm at a point now where i feel like i know everything i need to know. y'know? like, i still tap into local news and al jazeera but i do not need countless random people telling me how bad it is outside throughout every hour of the day.

so now what do we do with all the knowing? work. and i don't mean 9 to 5.

we work. internally and externally.

we work. we lift. we meditate. we create. we grieve. we get fed up. we boycott. we learn skills. we organize and volunteer. we reject this souless future that these parasites want so desperately to usher us into at every single turn.

we alchemize. we prepare.

and we hop off our damn phones.

surprised i hadn't heard more [harsh] criticism about this book before i checked it out. it was such a beautifully devastating read, which seems to be the theme of my 2026 tbr list so far.

but uh...can we please address the elephant in the room? never in my life have i rooted for the sexual or romantic entanglement of two first cousins.

and this novel will not be the start lmao. i think i'm more disturbed by the casualness in which emezi introduces us to this really sticky and awfully confusing relationship than i am by the many internal and external struggles multiple characters face while existing as young queer people in a country that will literally burn you alive for being gay.

like, these young folx have enough to deal with. why was incest such a necessary plot point? i have so many questions.

osita and vivek's affair made me think of mary and chike and how chike's adoration for mary was misplaced at the start of their relationship. the only difference is mary stood on what she knew was "right" and that meant being loyal to her new husband.

those boundaries weren't clear when it came to osita and vivek though. obviously. mary and chike also weren't blood related... eh, but walk with me..

if something as magical as ahunna's scar being passed down to her grandchild is possible, then maybe desire can do the same? idk, this is literally me trying to make sense of the cousin fucking LOL. after i finished the book, i had to jump on reddit to make sure i wasn't tripping.

aside from... that, incredible writing. it held me hostage for 5 days straight.

one thing has been made excruciatingly clear to me. the queer naijas be penned downnnnnn.

i mean, at least they warn you.

justice for bessem and fati oh my god.

life lately.

grand isle: went camping on the coast and had the entire beach to ourselves. i can't remember the last time waves crashed that close to me as i slept. what a gift.

pictured: hardboiled eggs with seasoning, avocado, sauteed red potatoes tossed in orange pepper jelly bacon jam and crispy bacon. breakfasts at home have been so intentional, creative, and delicious these days. i don't think i've ever enjoyed breakfast this much.

mardi gras came and went. nomtoc is hands down my favorite part. the west bank is so cute and black and rooted. the best way i can describe nomtoc is like a giant extended family gathering alongside a black ass parade.

current reads.

more food creativity stuff. roasted lamb, eggplant, carrot and angel hair.

deviled eggs with avocado and kewpie mayo. thank me later.

sometimes its like i'm just fading into oblivion. or like i'm an ephemeral spark in a universal circuit. i'm endlessly aware of how temporary all of this shit is. like what do you fucking mean.

and i still go on my walks and do my stretches. lift my weights and move my body because it really does help as hard as it is to get the shoes pulled on in the dead of winter.

sitting out in the backyard on my makeshift benchpress. eyes closed, faced toward the sun. it ain't cold cold in nola but i be havin to wear a lil sleeve here and there. but man, yea new terrible things. new beautiful, grounding things. happening everyday.

i'm tryna cut sugar now, realized i'm addicted to that too. i stopped saying i'm sober. cause these days a spliff hates to see me comin. and i can feel a shroom trip on the horizon. but the liqa sto still ain't seen the kid. 922 days now. a win is a fucking win.

i've gone from wanting to enroll into electrical construction at the community college to contemplating putting a deposit down for a herbalism course at a local farm. my job makes me feel like such a normie. and i haven't had the desire to do any hobby outside of reading and watching movies.

the other night me and bug were driving down canal st and saw three national guard folx strolling the sidewalk. two were black. one, he looked like a baby i swear, was carrying a gun bigger than his torso. just stupid. it made me angry. then sad.

bought a couple books from baldwin & co. this bookstore coffee shop situation inspired by james baldwin. the first is these letters end in tears, a cameroonian lesbian romance novel. the second is queen mother and it's about audley moore. i'm reading sister outsider now and have been needing to pace myself. you kinda have to since it's a collection of things and not a story.

really love.

in 2014, me and pro had this gig going around the city passing out fliers. it was a bullshit job but we were like 21-22 so what job wasn't? we'd mostly hit up parking lots and tuck the fliers in people's drivers' side windows. person to person contact was just too embarrassing.

i don't even remember how much the gig paid or the name of the people we were working for but we had enough for our food, paul masson, and weed stashes so it didn't matter.

anyway, one of the last flyer gigs we had was for AfroPunk. they were announcing a "secret" headliner for the festival and we were given the distinct honor of informing our local communities lol. we heard through the grapevine that the secret act was d'angelo but nothing was confirmed. it'd been fourteen years since anyone had heard anything from the legend so it felt like a 50/50 chance the rumor was right.

i was dating bless at the time. we were long distance like we've always been and i'm pretty sure by then we were officially girlfriends.

anyway, i can hardly recall what string of events led to us deciding to meet up in brooklyn for AfroPunk that summer but it all happened and by end of August, there we were--sitting across from one another on the subway. i hadn't been to new york since i was 16, and here i was in brooklyn as a baby adult? with my lover? for AFROPUNK? oh trust, i was full on romanticizing it all.

i have a few favorite memories from that trip but one took place when me and bless lost each other at the festival. i think their phone died or some shit. and in an attempt to not panic, i decided to take a nap in the middle of the park. probably one of my most carefree moments. i remember sza was singing on a stage in the background. 2014 sza serenaded me to sleep, live. what a time, man.

anyway, excellent nap. top tier.

i looked for bless everywhere and i knew they were looking for me too. but in the process of scouring the park, i'd run into some tumblr fam, saw lianne la havas' fine ass perform, the internet, and meshell ndegeocello. there were beautiful black people everywhere you looked.

if i'm remembering correctly, meshell was the last person to go on before the mystery headliner. the sun had started to set and at this point, the panic was full blown. i needed to find my shorty before it got dark.

it was magical when we finally locked eyes. i could tell they'd been looking all over for me too. the way we ran into each other's arms haha. such a sweet memory.

and what felt like just minutes later, it happens. the stage lights up. and questlove walks out and sits behind the drums. shortly after, the guitarist walks out and starts strumming. the rest of the band walks out one by one. the crowd cheering for each member.

last but not least, THE d'angelo walks on out and sits behind the piano. the crowd goes up but honestly, he looked so different, that if you were far away it'd be hard to confirm that this was the same guy from our childhoods. maybe i'm just speaking for myself lol.

for the next hour, they all sang and played Black Messiah top to bottom. and for the first time in my life, i got to see the man that for so long just sang to me through speakers and tv screens, sing brand new material for everyone in that park.

with my lover. during a brooklyn summer. at afropunk.

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