me but better

trying my very very best

[butwaybetterthistime]

I CAN STILL FEEL THE LOVE

[butwaybetterthistime]

and I'd do it all again but ten times as hard, and I don't regret nothing

[butwaybetterthistime]

[butwaybetterthistime]

Maria, I won't ever stop loving you I fucked up by leaving but wtf is "too shy to say but hope you stay" wtf is that sis girl, talk to me

[butwaybetterthistime]

I got BIG dreams, enormous

[butwaybetterthistime]

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[dollgermx]

[butwaybetterthistime]

[butwaybetterthistime]

something great can happen at any moment

[butwaybetterthistime]

there is nowhere to go but forward

[butwaybetterthistime]

I know you tried your best we only know what we have once it's gone I thought I went crazy enough about you, maybe I didn't do enough or should have tried extra extra hard to keep ya I'm still yours, as crazy and unlikely as it sounds, I don't want and never wanted another woman even if other women stole my attention away from you at times you really had me forever-ever when you decided to end it, I was messed up by everything that we went through together, but you were always my end goal... I didn't even feel you drifting away, hiding behind our screens... I'm so sorry I let you feel unappreciated or alone Maria I'm finishing my teaching master's just to have something stable to fall back on, I know it was never stable when you knew me, that was my bad

[butwaybetterthistime]

damn TV

[butwaybetterthistime]

[butwaybetterthistime]

[butwaybetterthistime]

I keep reaching out for a feeling, a person, a place, that is no longer there. Nothing I have tried fixed my flaws or brought that feeling nearer to me. I look to God, and I don't know if I've felt that in a while either. When it comes time to find out who I am, there are trials that feel too great and heavy to bear. Trying times force us to reckon with self doubt, and when that comes out it is terrifying and ugly, I have become the sum of my fears, the evidence that I am terrified of my ability to adapt to the future. The idea that I will no longer be here at any given moment, that anything could happen, and the worst happens frequently, feels like constant dissuasion. The feeling I have been chasing these last five years is everything beautiful and perfect in this world to me. I fear that I will never know that feeling again. I would pretend to be anything but the mess I feel inside, but people see right through it, never offering assistance or empathy, this is by design that we all my conquor ourselves in order to survive. Conquor our wants and impulses and feelings in order to weather the storms which roll over us every day.

[butwaybetterthistime]

[butwaybetterthistime]

Leiko Ikemura, with hummingbird, 2022 Cast glass 14 1/5 × 7 9/10 × 7 9/10 in | 36 × 20 × 20 cm Edition of 5