Since @likehandlingroses posted the Australian S1 promo and @da-scenes put it on my dash, I am blaming you both for the fact that, rather than coming up with new content for my NANO pieces, my brain instead spent the day pondering whether DA would work better as a serious crime drama (something I’m no good at writing) or one of those ridiculous things where everyone dies except the murder and yet people STILL can’t figure out who done it (which I am also no good at writing); cackling like a loon at both notions; and spitting out bitlets like this:
Inspector Thompson, Sr.*: So, Thomas, Miss O’Brien. The entire household has been murdered, one after the other, in a mysterious fashion. No one is left…except you two.
O’Brien: That’s true, inspector.
Thomas: *inching imperceptibly toward a closet*
Inspector Thompson, Sr.: That means you two must be very relieved to have avoided the merciless attention of whatever roving lunatic was responsible!
O’Brien: … … We are, Inspector.
Thomas: *stops inching toward the closet and inches back* Very much so.
Inspector Thompson, Sr.: I know things look grim, but I promise it’s just a matter of time. We will see justice is done!
O’Brien: That’s a such a relief, Inspector. Her poor Ladyship…
Thomas: Begging your pardon, Inspector, but have you found Mr. Bates’s body yet? Only he was the only other staff member unaccounted for, and if he’s not dead…
Inspector Thompson, Sr.: Yes. Yeeeeeeeeeessss…. Mr. Bates. A very suspicious character. New to the house, you say?
O’Brien: Quite new, Inspector. Claimed to have been with His Lordship during the war, but it had been years. A good conman might have been able to pull the wool over His Lordship’s eyes.
Inspector Thompson, Sr.: Yes indeed. Well, we’ve searched the entire house. Oh! Except the boiler room. Suppose the blighter could be hiding there…
Thomas: Oh, that’s not likely, Inspector. Mr. Bates was terrified of fire. Know that for fact.
O’Brien: He used to be careful not to get too close to the fire place when it was lit, or candles. Wouldn’t even go in the kitchen because of the stoves.
Thomas: And I heard him say once he had nightmares about being thrown in a boiler furnace and dying.
Inspector Thompson, Sr.: Really?
O’Brien: *sniff* Silly fear, really. You couldn’t fit a person in a boiler.
Thomas: Indeed, you’d have to cut him up first. And then there’d be a bloody hatchet or cleaver or something and you can’t just make one of those vanish.
Inspector Thompson: Indeed you can not! I’d have found it in a heartbeat, if such a thing existed. Ah well, we’ll go back to the office and continue the search from there. Don’t you fret. We always get our man. In the meantime, you two will stay here and look after the house until the new heir is found, won’t you?
O’Brien & Thomas: *beatific smiles* Of course, Inspector.
…I hope you both feel appropriately guilty for having unleashed this on the world.
*older relation to Inspector Thompson from Gosford Park. Just as incompetent, and also played by Stephen Fry
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