“Sometimes among the arguments, the fits of anger and rage, the distrust, the paranoia, the mood swings, it seems like my girlfriend is a completely different person.” In the worst of times, he likens dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to having a relationship with someone who has dementia. “Sometimes they look into their parent’s eyes and they see a spark. A flicker of joy and recognition. The person they knew and love is still there, somewhere deep down inside. Those moments are what the person longs for."
People with borderline constantly feel empty, and they are always trying to fight off what they perceive as rejection and abandonment, so they see abandonment and rejection where it doesn’t necessarily exist. They’re so afraid of being alone, abandoned, or left, or people breaking up with them, that they sense it where it doesn’t exist and they need tons of reassurance.
Often, this emptiness and intense fear of abandonment are the result of early childhood trauma and the absence of secure, healthy attachments in the vital formative years. Paradoxically, the overwhelming fear manifests in behaviors that deeply disrupt the relationship and pushes partners away rather than pulls them closer, resulting in a stormy and tumultuous dynamic that typically emerges in the early days of dating.
When they are in relationships they get very intensely involved way too quickly. People tend to really like people with BPD at first, because they are very intense, and very passionate. But then what comes along with it, a couple of weeks later, is: “Why didn’t you call me back immediately?” “Are you out with somebody else?” So people with BPD get attached very quickly, give the relationship their all, but then get disappointed very quickly. They start out thinking, “I love this guy, he’s the greatest,” but if he does a minor thing that disappoints them, they get deeply disturbed. Everything is done with passion, but it goes from being very happy and passionate to very disappointed and rageful.
When you’re dating someone with BPD, it is vital to recognize that their assumptions about your relationship are often very different than your own, and this can profoundly color the way they relate to you. Although each person has their own unique experience, these are some common thought patterns of people with BPD tend to have:
* I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless.
* Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about—despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me.
* If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.
* When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.
These thoughts may be completely at odds with your own perception of your partner, but it is imperative to understand that for them, they are very real, and can drive them toward extreme and seemingly irrational behavior. Navigating through this emotional minefield can be difficult and painful for both of you, but knowing that their thoughts and behaviors are the product of intensely powerful perceptional distortions deeply rooted in their mental health disorder, rather than a reflection of your own shortcomings, can bring some comfort.
"There are a lot of nuances, complexities, and lines to be read through with BPD, but mostly I see Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness about pain, fear, and struggling to cope with all of that. It’s almost like a wounded animal, as I see it. But the common conception is just [that they are] crazy, which is an extraordinarily damaging misconception to those who suffer from it. They aren’t crazy, they’re hurting."
For relationships to have a chance of succeeding, this is a critical piece: people with BPD arent acting with malice or being difficult, but acting on their own internal logic with limited emotional resources.
People with BPD act out of an intense desire to cope with overwhelmingly difficult feelings about both themselves and their relationships. What may be interpreted as manipulation is, in fact, an attempt to deal with an acute fear of abandonment, distrust, insecurities, and distress, often as the result of powerful formative traumas that leave you unable to spontaneously formulate healthy social responses. Viewing these complex responses as simply manipulation misses their true origin and intent.
Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety
1.People with BPD often see the same person in multiple different lights. Sometimes these people are the best person around while other times they are the worst.
2. Impulsive nature is common. They can easily become addicted to impulsive things such as gambling or excessive eating.
3. They don’t know who they are. Because of this, it is very common for them to be unfriendly, commanding, welcoming or even downright mean with the same person … all within the same day!
4. Suicide or the actions leading to that, can be common in people that are suffering from a borderline personality disorder.
5. They are obsessive. In situations that a “normal” person would ignore or forget about, they dwell.
6. Paranoia is extreme. When people are going through BDP they may have common thoughts of paranoia that cloud their minds.
7. People with BPD can be overly needy. If you take them out of their comfort zone, or when they feel “abandoned” they can become a burden.
8. Although emotions rage, anger is the most common. If your loved one spends most of their time angry, even when they should feel happy or excited, they may be a victim of BPD.
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