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Read your fears | andybachtiar_

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sixtyvocab

el3gy

the last two months of my life have been one big headache. i’ve felt like my entire being has been dragged under a riptide and carried out to see, constantly drowning and gasping for breath. i know that grief comes in waves but i’ve haven’t felt this low in years. i’m so nauseous even thinking about the insane guilt i have over not having a relationship with my dad before he died. i finally told my mom i need therapy today but for tonight i redownloaded tumblr just to go on this rant since i deleted twitter and don’t want peer review for my depression writing.

there are so many things i would ask you. your favorite views, the songs that changed your life, about how you were in love with my mom until your last day. i’d ask you your opinions on new music, we’d laugh about how i inherited your road rage and how well that had been working for me recently. i’d ask you about drugs and how you got sober and changed your life around just so you wouldn’t lose me. i would ask you the best advice you’d ever received, what lessons you’d learned that i wouldn’t want to repeat for myself. i’d ask you about what it feels like to channel your strongest emotions into each note on the guitar. i’d ask you what you thought the path to happiness was, and what i should focus on as a young adult having no idea how to help the world around me. i would ask your advice on so many fucking things. i want your stories. i want your opinions. i want the good and the bad even though everyone exiled you for being such a rollercoaster. i miss you every day dad.