Lesson #1
There are so many ways to start this lesson. I guess the best place to start is in the beginning, naturally.
It all began on a what seemed like a normal Thursday morning. I had been sitting at my office desk for about an hour, staring at the never ending abyss of my computer monitor. The vibration of my phone startled me and I quickly reached for my phone....
It was a message from my Wife and she told me “I have some fun news.”
I had thought “Oh awesome! I wonder what she’s got planned? Are we going to a new restaurant for food? Another concert perhaps? Or maybe just a fun night out with friends? I most certainly was not ready for the response I received from my “Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“I’m giving you a guilt free hall pass with no consequences. Obviously it comes with rules though.” was that very response I wasn’t ready for...
I had this immediate feeling of apprehension and anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I felt like this was definitely a test of my character and possibly my willpower (clearly I have some but not a lot, we’ll touch on that later on). She had said that she thought it would be beneficial for our relationship and bring some excitement back into our sex life. This was a subject we have visited many times before and it never panned out the way we hoped, hence my immediate apprehension to the idea.
I sat on it for about a day or so. I decided to take her at her word and ventured into the online abyss of hookups known as Tinder.
I created my profile, uploaded some pictures, and a short/to the point bio. I then began my swiping adventure. About a day went by and I had made a match.
She looked promising so I decided to send a witty and clever message. “When we go out on a date, are we going to kiss? or am I going to have to lie in my diary?”
She responded and we hit it off. I told my Wife about the match and she agreed she thought I had good judgement ... so far. Days went by and things escalated very quickly between my match and I. I shared many details with my Wife about our interactions.Â
The situation quickly evolved into a potential Poly amorous situation, one that my Wife and I were very comfortable in being in ...for now. As time passed it seemed like my Wife and this match had loads in common. Lots of doubtful questioning from the match, naturally, since this isn’t the sort of thing that is easy to jump into.Â
The match and I had our plans set to meet up and that was days ahead. Throughout that week pictures/videos were shared, vivid erotic messages were shared and I compromised a lot of what I really should have stood my ground on. I essentially allowed the match to control me and I surrendered my willpower. I became “easy”. I definitely agree that I wasn’t making anything difficult. That’s the big mistake I made in this whole adventure. There was a lot of build up between the match and I. We talked about how our sex would be and really outlining all of our fantasies. This left us both extremely horny and yearning for that release at the end of the week. We were masturbating to each others pictures and to the erotica we shared. This continued over the course of the next five days or so. We were both so eager and ready to surrender ourselves to our primal sexual natures ... or so I thought.
Throughout our interactions, looking back, there were numerous red flags. My Wife and I deduced that she was conservative and was still seeing her ex-boyfriend. She had asked if it was okay for him to also be a part of us. I told her the truth and I mean yes he could have but my Wife wasn’t into the type of guy her ex-boyfriend was. She often asked questions that seemed very probe-like and invasive. But in the spirit of honesty, I answered with full disclosure. I attempted to thwart all her doubts and I thought I had been doing an excellent job. Even providing proof that my Wife knew about all this and was okay with everything. Then that’s when I stepped right in it ...
On the day we were supposed to meet up, the universe flipped the coin. She messaged be saying “I’ve got some news.” Obviously I knew that she was clearly cancelling but to the extent of how bad she was canceling. I had no idea. It was like I had stepped in a heaping pile and I just couldn’t smell it until she slapped me in the face with it. I digress ... She said that she had thought a lot about what was happening after speaking to her ex-boyfriend. She concluded that everything I was doing, what was my wife was doing was wrong. She stated that I was sick and I needed serious help and that my wife was only allowing this to happen because she loved me. Last but not least, I needed to stop destroying people. A lot coming from someone who willingly for days went on with everything. Contributing to all the fantasies and possibilities of the scenario, entertaining a life that could be with us as a Poly amorous couple. It just seemed so sudden and so weird to be attacked. No one was nasty towards her and my Wife was excited to finally meet this woman. Everyone, as I thought, was on the same page.
She then proceeded to send my Wife all the screenshots of our conversations. My Wife essentially knew most of what we talked about, I vowed to be transparent with the situation, and I was... as quickly as it all started, it all came crashing down like a house of cards.
I am going to digress a moment...I was completely surprised by my Wife even telling me that she was giving me a Hall Pass. I was not the initiator of what happened. Granted, I pushed things to the point of breaking and I will take full responsibility for that. BUT! I never asked for this, it was placed in my lap. ANYWAY ... And now for the lesson learned.
My Wife and I talked for hours about what happened, our feelings, and what we needed to do going forward in our relationship. It started out as an argument but quickly shifted gears into a productive conversation. What we learned from this whole thing is that she is uncomfortable with the emotional aspect of Poly amorous relationships, which I understand and respect. But she is completely in agreement that we shall keep our relationship open sexually. I also learned that I can’t trust strangers. OF COURSE YOU CAN’T IDIOT. I was an idiot and I stepped on one hell of a bouncing Betty because that one blew up right in my face. Â
Maybe Poly isn’t for us but we know that now. But we will remain open sexually because that lifestyle works for both of us and I can honestly say I am perfectly okay with that. This has actually brought my Wife and I a lot closer because I realized a lot of things. My match made some good points and I took what she said and instead of letting anger grasp me, I looked at it rationally and empirically. She made sense and I thank her for waking me up to the error in my ways. I went about it all wrong and going forward I won’t be making those mistakes.
So thank you “girl from Tinder”. You thought you were doing harm, but instead you brought insight and allowed us to grow and become stronger.
and incited some pretty great sexual fantasies.
Thanks again Tinder Match!