[as if this is not a normal and natural human thing to want] yeah i just really want to connect with people for some reason. Like some weird loser freak
They killed him for this.
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[as if this is not a normal and natural human thing to want] yeah i just really want to connect with people for some reason. Like some weird loser freak
They killed him for this.
[zero drinks in on a Wednesday night] Do you think the shame and fear ever go away . Would yuo like to kill me
mary oliver i love you
by Tove Jansson
aurora borealis from space
When my son was about to turn two, strangers would offer condolences. There’s a collective cultural dread of toddlers, who get described more like animals than people. Kids in their "terrible twos," I was warned, are illogical, unregulated, and feral. "Good luck," people would say. "He'll grow out of it."
I'm lucky: My son is a very easygoing kid. But I remember the first tantrum he threw for me. He was standing by our front door and asked to go outside. So I opened the door and grabbed his shoes. But as soon as he stepped onto the porch, he pointed back into the house.
"Inside," he said.
"Okay," I said. I picked him up and brought him inside.
But as soon as I shut the front door, he pointed outside.
"Outside!" he said.
You know where this is going. We went back and forth, inside and outside, again and again. He got more frustrated. And I got more frustrated. Eventually he wound up straddling the threshold of our house, sobbing. When I tried to comfort him, he screamed at me. "You go wherever you want!" I said. He just got madder. I felt trapped, convinced he’d concocted the whole episode as a pretext to unleash his rage at me. It was ridiculous. I consoled myself with the thought that he was just being a toddler.
But later I kept thinking about him wailing at our front door, one foot inside, one foot outside. His misery wasn't unreasonable, or trivial, or silly. My son was experiencing the agony of wanting two things that were impossible to have at the same time. What a fundamentally human sorrow! My son wasn't being a toddler; he was being a person. Adults may not walk around howling, but that same pain rages within us. In that moment, as a father, I was powerless to solve my son's problem. I told him he could go wherever he wanted, but of course I was wrong. To be where he wanted was impossible.
Make Believe: On Telling Stories to Children by Mac Barnett
cdg shirt ad, spring 03
sometimes i smoke a cigarette without inhaling so i can remember what it tasted like to be 16
The ever chill capybara
Gothic Yohji Yamamoto: Orbed Face Sterling Silver Ring (2017)
I am a bad person for desiring anything
a tshirt that says I LIKE YOU AND I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU
There are just so many characters that should've been women.
holly smart in the english national ballet’s alice in wonderland.
i am not grateful it happened because i hate that it happened and i'm still mad about it.
and i am grateful, too. i am grateful i am close with my friends; that my nervous system is settling down. i am grateful i saw you do something terrible; i had a little moment of empathy where i thought i never want to be the person that you are. i am grateful for the self-help books and being pushed back into therapy and for the beginner-level regulation techniques i had to return to. some part of that terrible experience forced me into resurgence.
it is a color theory thing, maybe. you made this world so white that the gentle dark feels massive to me. for a while i couldn't handle that; from inside the blaze of your inferno i mistook the night for a bottomless hole. but it is good here; in the shadow of the trees, their fingers brushing the split ends of tangled sunbeams. it is good in the impossible blue hue of snow. it is good and i couldn't see it before, not really. now it is a steadying blanket around my body.
it is a weightlessness, and i am dancing my old self around the room, and i am glowing in comparison. i want to keep showing my old self the impossible beauty of things - how now each moment feels incredible, a sparkling and impossible comparison to drought. it is not just the act of humming, it is the thought i'm allowed to be humming! it is not just the new leaf or the neighbor's cat or the long walk or the snow falling or the shared joke - it is that these belong to me and i am enjoying them free of charge.
and i wouldn't be here without the rest of it. if i had never experienced the worst parts, i wouldn't have received the best. i would have never met some of my best friends. i would have never listened to that album or gone on that road trip or been in that room. i would have missed the rainbow over edinburgh or i would have missed seeing that concert or i would have missed meeting her. it is a thin and silver line. because yes, sometimes it is spite that drives me. but mostly it is that i want back what's mine.
shannon and i have been talking about how a year ago i was a different person. she said i can physically see you returning to yourself. i love that turn of phrase: returning to myself like an arriving package. like placing a seed back into the loam.
i dream of geese. i wake up and i feel myself coming home.
— the love was there. (it didn't change everything, but it changed me)
x. // erin slaughter // state of grace - taylor swift // x. // architecture - maisie peters // white ferrari - frank ocean // begin again - emma lord // x. // lunar years - maisie peters // king lear // hope ur ok - olivia rodrigo // cheryl strayed // 19 - xana // begin again - emma lord // the only exception - paramore // anne sexton // there it goes - maisie peters // road to hell (reprise) - hadestown // the things they carried - tim o'brien // in case you don't live forever - ben platt // molly templeton // for good - wicked // jeanette winterson