I Hope You Read This Someday.

My name is not important however where I am from should tell you everything about myself. I am from a place that does not exist to many. A place where everything is dictated by my fantasy. I go to this place subconsciously. I slip into a world where I am whatever I want while I appear to be awake- eyes wide open. A sudden snap of reality takes place and I am back from the real world, but sometimes, within seconds I go back without realizing it and it goes on. 12.31.2012 Original content by the blogger; however, all photos and gifs posted are not mine unless stated otherwise. Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

[ca-chen]

welcoming the monsters

الوحوش

Once upon a time there was a strange creature who lived among the wolves in the dark forest- and every night he haunts little children hiding underneath their beds- crawling into their dreams.

Once upon a time, when we learnt that  “once upon a time” never existed- and we see ourselves as the strange creatures who lived among the wolves in darkness of our  souls and hearts- and every night we are haunted  by the people we have become. And we realize that the monsters hiding  underneath our beds- crawling into our dreams are the same monsters who learnt that:

Once upon a time never existed.

[ca-chen]

04/23/2013 00:21

Getting up every morning- is the bravest thing, I’ve ever done.

Because when you lose everything you’re living for waking up is the hardest battle you’ll ever fight. 

[ca-chen]

23:33:01 11/02/2014

When I taught myself to fall out of love with you was when I learned  how to love myself. 

[ca-chen]

Unsent Letter #5

(Supposedly 2nd Anniversary letter)

Cameron—

You are one of my biggest fears. Before I went to college, I promised myself that I would never be emotionally involved with anyone because falling in love is like diving to the deepest trenches of the Pacific— jumping to the unknown— and you never know what could hurt you.

When we met, I thought nothing can bring down the towering walls I built around myself. I focused on myself. I grew more and more selfish taking what college had to offer me. I got so drunk of desire and complements by the others that I started to crave it, but at the end of the day, I knew I was never going to be anything to them. Lust overpowers. I began to pride of myself for not being able to develop a connection with the men I have slept with— until I met you.

Sex was nothing to me, but a primal instinct that species do to survive, but with you, it is so much more than that. I learned to be completely naked in front of you— not just physically. I allowed you to see how vulnerable I am, and thank you for allowing me to see you in a different light too. I have never trusted anyone as much as I have trusted you because I know how fragile I am and how easily it is to destroy me. With you by my side, I have never felt so comfortable. Being in your arms feels like home, and my head seems to belong over your chest. The sound of your heart is a symphony to me, harmonized with mine.  And when the sun shines in the morning, you are the first person I want to see, and we will kiss like we usually do with our teeth unbrushed and eyes half-opened. It is times like these when I realize that I have completely fallen in love with you.

You are the person I want to come home to at night and the person I want to attempt to make pancakes for in the morning. You are the person I want to sit through boring holiday parties together and watch movies with on a late Saturday night. I want to be the person taking care of you when you’re sick and I want you to be the first person to hand me an ibuprofen when I have a hangover. Someday, I want to see the world with you. We’ll travel all over Europe, and fall in love all over again in every country we visit. I want to kiss you in front of the Fontana di Trevi in Rome and watch the Eiffel Tour shine at a starry night in Paris. I want to walk through the streets of Amsterdam holding your hand and eat ceviche in Madrid.

On some days, we will fight more than others just like we do now. But I hope you do realize that no matter what happens, I will be willing to fight for you. No argument will never be worth losing you because I have waited for someone to love me as much as you do in my 20 years of existence. We’ll fight about the toilet seat being up, and yell at each other at the car on which direction to take. We will argue about which kind of dog to get or about money— it will be overwhelming at times, but I swear you are worth it.

Until this day, I never believed that anyone would ever fall in love with me. I never thought somebody will be willing to spend five hours on the phone with me to talk about nothing and everything. I never thought I would be worth traveling 800 miles for. I never thought I could ever deserve a man as  genuine, sweet and caring as you are. I never thought I would be someone that you would be willing to share a life with— someone that you want in your future. But you keep proving me wrong. Thank you for that.

Now, I am willing to jump to the deepest oceans with you. I may be scared, but I will do whatever it takes for you to stay in my life. But if someday, you chose to break my heart, I would be privileged to at least experience being truly loved by such a caring, thoughtful and wonderful man.

I love you, Cam.

[ca-chen]

Unsent Letter #4

Written February 13, 2016

I’m sitting in a hotel room by myself. Don’t know I got myself into. I thought everything would get better when we are together— that distance is the only thing that keep us apart.

[ca-chen]

Unsent Letter #3

Written October 13, 2015

We are going to celebrate our first anniversary in 6 days. It hurts, but I feel like he’ll be okay and I will too. I was so happy to have him in my life. He was my best friend and he loved me so much, in fact too much, too fast and too early. I don’t know why but I am not as sad as I should be. I thought when we end it, I will be crushed and devastated. I felt like I needed him more than I loved him. It was safe. He’ll always be there after I go crazy on him, but this time, he’s not anymore. I should have expected that. But I did love him, more than I have ever loved a person in my entire life. I was in love, but only when we were physically together, but most of the time, I just need him. He’s a great person, a really great boyfriend, more than anything I could ask for. I was ridiculous, unreasonable and sometimes irrational. I said things that I should not have said, and I am just now realizing it. I shared so much of my life with him which kept holding me back from ending things between me and him not because I’m in love which is pretty sad. During our time together, there were times that I was unhappy. he was doing everything he could. Unhappy, not because of the arguments, but because I simply was not happy. And it hurt him more than anything else. I did want to get to know other people and I felt bad for feeling this way. He loves my family, and they love him. They were always asking about how he’s doing and now, it hurts to tell my mom that I lost such a great person in my life. I did see a future with him, I actually planned my life around him. I always have a plan. Now, everything is ruined, but I do feel like I have more options, more time to explore, and more time for self-discovery. I honestly never though I’d date someone… it still baffles my mind that we dated for this long, but I knew that this will most likely end bitterly, but I was hoping it never does. I still do not know how I am feeling, maybe I am still shocked. Maybe there is still hope. No, maybe not. He said he does not care anymore— and that is the most hurtful thing that he has ever said. At least when we fight and he says stupid things, it shows that he still cares. Now, he just does not care. He does not want to fight. He does not want to fix it. He just does not care. And I guess, I shouldn’t either. Maybe this way, we’ll both be happier. He deserves so much more than I could ever offer him. He’s a really good guy. I still love him, but I need to focus on myself.

[ca-chen]

Unsent Letter #2

Written July 21, 2015

I don’t know what happened, but I think we just ended it. I called you and received nothing as a response. You said you’ll tell me tonight if you want to be done, but things ended for me right now.

I am heartbroken, but at least, this will be the last time you’ll break my heart.I know I do not deserve anything from you after everything I put you through, but break up like this is not what I expected. I was hoping for a text or a call back for closure, but even that I do not deserve. That’s okay. I will be okay.

We live and we learn. And I learned a lot. Thank you for showing me how capable I am of love even the self-destructive kind. I will no longer put every bit of my happiness in the presence of one person, rather, I’d put it on myself.

I’m glad you finally realized how different we are. I should have never pursued you. This has aways been a bad idea after all. No one lives happy every after from a one-night stand, but thank you for the happiest months of my life. You deserve better-- so much better.

Goodbye.

[ca-chen]

Unsent Letter #1

Written on June 5, 2015

I knew I was in trouble the first time we met. I was blown away, swiped off my feet by someone so charming yet reserved. The timing was off, we were both in completely different stages of our lives. He had a plane to catch two days after the first time we met. I never thought meeting him would turn into something bigger. I was hesitant. Timing is always a variable in all relationships.

It took a while for me to learn to fully give my trust; for this being my first relationship, I had my doubts and fears. For a while, I was convinced that I fell in love in the wrong time. The distance between us was too much bear and every morning I wake up, I am reminded of how difficult it is to spend the next months missing him.

Then I came to a realization that, there is no such things as a right and a wrong time. There will never be the time when everything falls perfectly into place. Meeting him was timeless.

He made time to see me-- conquered 800 miles— to get dinner, to hang out and just to get to know me better. He made an effort to become part of my life: countless hours on FaceTime, spending holidays and unplanned road trips. It was as if that time flew by, and here we are, celebrating our first year together.

I got so lucky to find someone who was willing to learn and grow with me even if I have not figure out what I wanted in life. He empowers me. He pushes my limits. He encourages me. He sees my potential. He is willing to cross bridges, swim oceans, climb mountains with me no matter how much time it takes to achieve my dreams.

I have never been happier. I am so excited to see where life takes us.

PS:  I love you, Cam.

[ca-chen]

[ca-chen]

04:42:09 05/02/2016 I pity the woman who will love you next, for I have carved my name onto your chest. And I slit your throat with words like I love you so that every time you say it to her, you would think of the girl who you first profess your love to. It will burn like a motherfucking flame when she tells you she loves you because you will remember my name. And for you, my lady, you can lie to yourself that you can replace me. But you will never see him in his rawest form. I cut him open for almost two years to learn his vulnerabilities and fears. I tore him up so well that he would never open up to anyone ever again; And I crumbled his heart to ashes in my hands to make sure that he would never love as much again.

[ca-chen]

10:57:23 04/15/2016

I am happy for you. You deserve so much love in this world, and I know she will be able to offer you, ten times more. I no longer want to be your happiness, but I am happy for you. I don’t feel the wound anymore, I don’t feel numb either. I feel warm— relieved. I am happy for you,

and for myself.

[ca-chen]

10:55:09 04/15/2016

I saw you with her. Her arms around you, grinning under a waterfall. I have never seen you as happy in the last six months. It hit me like a knife— it was a sharp pain to see that I am no longer your happiness.

[stargazerinmoksha]

And she lived in winter during spring. She was never good enough, the frozen flowers shivering near her cold lips as she ached with her own beauty that never existed. But it did. At least for him. It did. So he talked about her like she was the war that happened a thousand years ago and her smile was the photograph of soldiers who had won this cold, cold war. But there are no true victors in war. Her smile stained with blood. Her limbs, phantom. Her heart, a bomb. But he held her hands anyway. But he loved her strain anyway. But he became shelter anyway. And he didn’t know how else to love her, so he glued the flaws together like she was perfection that needed the last touch– The finishing one. There was a battle to be won, so he made sure she felt loved; even if he was the last soldier on her Icelandic battlefield. And she’ll sing songs about him, and he’ll know that he was once home.

For a cold, cold girl and her winter soldier. // k.c. (via poetryleftbyher)

[ca-chen]

23:38:09 03/21/2016

I was that girl whose smile melted the frozen walls around your heart, who proved to you that you are capable of selfless, undying love. The girl who cradled your head on her chest when tears flow, and showed you how beautiful is your soul.

I was that girl who you cried about, who shattered you  into shards of  sharp glass unable to be fixed or held again. The girl you thought was your everything, and suddenly...

she becomes nothing.

[ca-chen]

There is a reason why Romeo and Juliet survived throughout several centuries. Not because it was some kind of great story or an epic that no one forgets, it is because we all share one thing in the human experience: heart breaks. The deadly kind of heartbreak-- the self destructive kind. The kind that lays with you early morning, and asks you to stay in bed all day. The kind that turns sips into gulps, days into years, and life to a miserable routinely self-harming shit. The kind that fucks you up, basically. 

But what I don’t understand is that none of this stories express the importance of the reclaiming process. Reclaiming your freedom, self-pride, and identity. It starts with a little grieving-- in fact a lot of grieving. Then you start to become delusional, fantasizing about the next time you see him-- you make a list of things you want to do and want to change about yourself so the next time he’ll see you, he would regret all the thoughts of breaking up with you. This is not the reclaiming process. This is when you’re just a petty piece of shit. You’ll get over this phase, pretty quickly when you realize that you are capable of being happy without the approval of some person. Then you’ll reach into the this beautiful magnificent stage when pictures are just memories and nothing else but nostalgia. You stop hating him (or her) because you just simply do not care anymore. You stop associating things with him. You think of him and remember him, but feel nothing-- just like remembering you need to buy eggs. this is the stage when you reclaim yourself. This is a fundamental step. this is the time when you start to call the motherfucking shots. It’s about you now. You watch your videos and you look at him as if it’s nothing. it’s great. cant wait to be there. fuck.

[ca-chen]

I think I am ready...

I think I am ready to let myself go from something so wonderful yet hurtful. I think I am ready to accept that it does and will not get better from here. I think I am ready to love myself. I think I am ready to forgive. I think I am ready to be free. But what is freedom? How can you be free from someone when you carry snapshots of memories haunting you every night, every day, every where. 

I am heartbroken, but at least this is the last time you would hurt me. I will no longer put every single bit of my happiness in the presence of one person. 

I think I am ready to let you go.

[ca-chen]

Hello,  I haven’t posted in months.  I am not even sure if people still read this. It’s because I found someone that makes me feel important, loved and empowered.  Thank you for reading my poems.  It was quite a journey.

I’m finally happy.