On mourning
There are so many chapters of motherhood.
I’ve known that I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was a child. I’d make believe that I had three kids - I’d grocery shop and do their laundry. I’ve always imagined a family. I couldn’t wait to be pregnant and have a belly. And when it really happened it was surreal. And incredible. And beautiful. Pregnancy was an awe-inspiring experience, teaching me the true miracle of life. Labor and delivery was both the hardest and best thing that I’ve ever done. There’s nothing like having a newborn. The baggy knees, shrill kitty cries and sweet smells. Though you’re tired, you’re happy. I tried so hard to live in each moment.
I knew we’d have another baby, so I didn’t have to mourn any of those chapters. But once I had our second love bug, it hit me like 5 tons of bricks. I knew in my heart that our family was complete, but it didn’t make the realization of closing that chapter any easier. The thought of never feeling another movement inside of me was crushing. That joy of growing a life, feeling it move. The anticipation, excitement, love. Gone. It took me a long time to feel peace.
Now that my baby is a toddler, I had to mourn the fact that I’ll never nurse another baby. I’ll never share that new connection. Breastfeeding chapter, closed. But what I’m learning is that there are more chapters than these. Each one is new and exciting and each one will have to end. But there will always be more. And most importantly, it’s okay to mourn the end of these stages. You, me, we are not alone. Love where you and where you’re going. All of it is a season and seasons change. And those seasons always lead to beautiful, new growth.
