Trying to take control of what I can, beginning with my emotions. As a woman, having sex with a man comes with a price, moreso for him. That’s just how it goes. I’m beginning to really ask myself what he can do for me. You say you don’t want a girlfriend at the moment so what exactly am I doing in this picture? I find myself floating around and accepting these situations because when I really ask myself if I’m ready for a relationship or even truly want one I realize I don’t know. Does that excuse me continuing to see this man? I think it’s okay to have fun but I’m not really built for casual relationships as someone who’s naturally very romantic and passionate. I enjoy dedicating myself to one person. But it doesn’t seem sustainable long term to do this. And I don’t exactly want to let you go. I think I like the idea* of being in a relationship vs the actual work that comes with one. I think this month will tell a lot. We’re going to have less conflicting work schedules and honestly I’m really sad he hasn’t taken initiative to take me on a real date. I work so, so hard. I really deserve so much. And I shouldn’t settle. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried from feeling so lonely. I’m in my last year of my 20’s, of course I’ve enjoyed being single. But I’m really craving another human being and that closeness at this point of my life. I want to be adored, respected, spoiled, loved. I want to get better at giving this to myself. It’s not that I’m expecting to be saved. I just want you to be that for me. But I can’t force things. And I need to mentally prepare for life to just do what it does. Crazy to think in general people are only here for seasons.
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