i have 400k+ views total on ig over the last 30 days all of a sudden and looking at notifications has completely taken over my attention span.
idk how to break out of it. i need an intervention.
i have so many unread messages and i’m behind on some important irl things and i can’t even think about making more content outside of just the outfits/hooping that’s getting views.. like i feel like i should hoop to my own music. and like make talking videos or textpost stuff or whatever tf it’s called,, to like introduce myself more ??
but i can barely even make another ootd or hoop vid rn. cuz i’m stuck in the notification center. lol.
like i barely made just one or two more this week i’m so distracted i rly need to snap out of it like rent is due soon and shit lmao.. i’m just so consumed with riding this reels wave. it’s insane. i’m insane.
it’s cool and exciting but again like in this moment i’m writing…… i just gotta vent. i promise i’m grateful & excited but like….. it’s gotten to a point with these notifications. idk. like my brain just can’t stop checking the notifications and seeing how many followers i have like i need to stop looking.
i set new screen timer settings yesterday and so far i’m doing it but i need to get a little stricter with them like a week from now or something if i can handle this current one i just set,, cuz they’re still not where i used to have them.. i’ve been letting myself open the apps into infinity for like weekssss at this point..
i rly rly need to like exercise and move my body and shit like,, i was able to yesterday but also not really like idk
like it was rly defeating to realize how dopesick for notifications i rly am lmao. yesterday like it was so depressing i could barely exercise but i did do it. and i was out in the sunshine and it was beautiful outside.. but i still felt so depressed afterward..
i get like straight up jittery. like rn i’m typing this like absolutely on one. lmao.
like i’m trying to distract myself and vent at the same time. it’s working tho. i normally would do this in my notes app or something like i’ve had to break out of this kinda thing before but just never to this level if that makes sense.. like i’m having a moment on ig rn.
and idk i’m on tumblr instead of my notes app cuz i’m just in my sharing how i feel with the public era lately lmao…
fuck these apps dude like if i didn’t already know how all this algorithm and app design or whatever tf stuff works and didn’t already have a platform years ago.. i literally would be so fucked rn.
and i already feel fucked like i’m getting a hold of myself rn… but like it’s crazy. it’s just notifications. like i’m cracked out from notifications. i’m going thru a notification withdraw and relapse cycle or whatever tf…… lmao.
but it’s real man,, it’s a thing ! i’m jealous of anyone who doesn’t have a brain like mine who ends up in positions like this…. like the level of self control i need to implement rn is a joke.
like plz let me make it thru today plz let me make it thru the next couple weeks…. i can do it tho. i got this. but yeesh wtf. i’ve been actually stuck to my screen. like i’m in wall-e or something.
and then there’s the whole thing of how it’ll feel if/when my page loses traction again and shit.. or when/if i start getting haters or ppl from my past coming out of the woodwork (& that’s already happened tbh lol but what if even more so etc)..
let alone wondering how far this current wave can take me right now cuz it feels a lil out of control rn like i’m getting hundreds of followers a day…. and like trying to navigate or approach it to its fullest potential while it’s happening while also being like wait maybe i can and should chill…. lmao. cuz like
ima get thru today. all i know is i’m gonna focus irl and if i do open ig it’ll just be to upload and if i go to check notifications it’ll only be a few times and then each time i do and the screen timer goes off ima distract myself……. cuz i need to think straight. which is why i’m even typing this.
i need to focus. that’s the whole reason i’m typing this. i’m just scared of how bad my screentime is rn. and i’m not even looking at stuff it’s just notifications. i’m just audhd af.
ok i already feel so much better lol <3
i get so swept up.. but as soon as i allow the quick thoughts to express themselves they slowly get slower and i can think a lil more clearly.
i can do this. nothing’s even happening.
it’s just ppl looking at my outfits and hoop skills. ppl do that all the time. i’ve had that happen for almost 15 years. it’s just big numbers and notifications designed in the same way they design slot machines. it’s no biggie. i’m ok. i’m just me. i’m not doing anything crazy. the viewers aren’t doing anything crazy. we’re just all on our phones. nothings happening. it’s cool. we’re chillin.
ima go stretch and stim and stuff and get ready for work and stay off my phone as best as i can.
it’ll get easier each day. the novelty will wear off. the attention will eb and flow. i will do my best to keep the current ball rolling without losing my grasp on reality lol.. nothings even happening. this current attention is manageable and not extreme.
it’s just the freakin slot machine notification center tricking my brain.
if i do lose my mind a few times i will always come back to earth shortly. lol.
