TRIGGER WARNING - Adult content - No minors.
NOTE: Inspired by two lovely chats I had today. I don't write much these days. Too busy. But I thought this idea had potential so I sat down and typed something up. It's pretty rough, but then again, all my stories are pretty rough. Don't expect a masterpiece. I have no time to edit.
-Thank you for seeing me Dr. G.
-Please make yourself comfortable. So, last time we discussed some background things. Childhood experiences, and a few...
-i am sorry, Dr. I just... i have a problem. If i don't say it now... I am scared I won't be able to. i...
-Take your time. Sure, let's dive right in. What would you like to tell me.
-i... i got myself into trouble. i don't know how to get myself out of it. In fact, i don't even know if it's too late. Maybe it's not possible to stop.
-Slow down, please. Here, take a deep breath. There, that's better. So, what do you mean by trouble?
-I did something really stupid. I sent him a video.
-A video? Something you did not want to do?
-Yes... no... I mean, at the time I wanted to. i begged for it, in fact. He said "no" at first. Told me it was not good for me and that i did not know what i was getting myself into. That just made me want it even more.
-What kind of video did you make? Is that something... you would not want others to see?
-Well, i do want them to see. i mean, no it would ruin me. But...
-I see, so it's a compromising video? Do you want me to call...
-No, i am sorry. i just... it's just that... that video, it keeps playing on a loop. Over and over.
-What do you mean? Is it playing now?
-Yes! i know it sounds crazy, but he told me the video would play over and over on a loop forever.
-Who told you that? Where is this video playing now?
-i don't know. Just a stranger i met online. He... trains girls like me. Like, kinky girls. At first i just looked at the posts. i thought it was crazy. But then i started thinking more and more about it and became obsessed.
-Is this an online thing? Like a bdsm website?
-i don't know, it's just... he told me the video plays on a loop and now... it plays over and over in my head as well. i don't understand, it makes no sense. But i can feel it. Over and over. i wake up at night and i can feel it going on and on.
-I don't understand. What do you mean?
-... i... do you want to see it?
-Well, I am not sure that's necess...
-Here... look. I can't stop it.
-Oh... uhm... well, you know many people record themselves... uhm... So he made you record the video?
-Not exactly... i just did it. For myself... i would look at it and play with myself. It's really embarrassing. I asked him to train me, but he said he did not have time.
-you know... to become a sex slave... i mean, i thought it was like roleplay... or a fantasy...
-So i kept watching the video and playing with myself and reading his posts... but after a few weeks it wasn't enough. i couldn't get off.
-Yes, well, it's normal to be desensitized if you are overstimulated.
-No, i mean, i could cum if i... could make myself decide to do it... but somehow, something always stops me. It's how he trains the other girls. They have to ask permission. I wanted that too. So i kept stopping myself. Just before...
-I understand. Some people call that "edging". It's very common in online...
-Yes, i edge all the time. At home, at work, in public restrooms. I am always so close... constantly... even when i am not rubbing... even now. i am so so so close. But i can't. Not without his permission.
-Well, it may feel that way, but...
-i think he broke something in me. i can't. i can't anymore. i need his permission.
-But he just laughs when i ask. It's maddening. I don't know what that means.
-Sounds like he is toying with you. But if you just take a breath and tell yourself it's just a game...
-i tried. i tried so hard. One time i did cum... and it was horrible. i mean it was the most intense orgasm i've ever had, but... i felt so lost and sad afterwards. i never want to experience that again. i just want to be like the other girls. Blissfully mindless always horny... docile...
-That's exaclty why you should not be without release for so long. When these edging "sessions" build up too long... things get too intense. You really should...
-i know... but it's too late. Now the video is playing. Over and over. i wished i recorded myself cumming... but i didn't... i just rub and then when i am close i slap my cunt... then start over... more mindlessly desperate than before
-Well, first things first, I think you should ask him to take down the video. He has no right to...
-He did not post it. i uploaded it myself on the site. It's out of my hands. Hundreds of people reposted it. i can't delete it anymore. And even if... oh god... i am so horny just thinking of all those people watching me. i can ask all the users to take down the video... but i am sure many of them saved it and can re-upload it somewhere else endlessly. i lost control. God i need to rub right now... fuck...
-Ok, listen, it's alright. First of all, it's not the end of the world. People get "leaked" all the time and they survive. The internet is a huge place...
-i keep visiting the pages. i look at the new reblogs. i see how many times the video is played. On a loop. People watching me. It never stops. Night and day. Even when i don't play with myself. The video does. Myself in the video keeps rubbing and repeating the mantras. He told me...
-... god... yes, if you unmute the video you can hear me say "i am a loser, i don't deserve cummies... i am a loser, i don't deserve cummies... ohhh oh god... i am a loser... fuck... oh god..."
-Hey, stop saying that. You are not a loser.
-i am... i am a loser... fuck... i can't stop saying that. Once i start... it keeps going and going. The video keeps looping... so i have to keep going... i can't stop... i am the girl in the video... And i see it in my mind. i wake up at night... and i can feel my fingers rubbing... i can hear the words echoing in my mind... and i know the video is playing. It never stops. It will play forever. i am a loser... i don't deserve cummies.
-Don't say that. It's not true. It may be arousing to play these games, but you need to...
-He told me this would happen, but i didn't listen. He advised me not to post it... but i did. He told me the video would brainwash and rewire my mind. Once it starts... it will never stop... and knowing that seals my fate... it's done... i am a loser... i don't deserve cummies... the video will continue playing until my mind is completely broken... i am a loser...
-Hey, please try to stop, you can't do that. My office... please control yourself.
-i... i can't stop... the video is playing... i always rub when the video is playing... i never stop... i am a loser... i doin't deserve cummies... the more people watch... the more i become a loser... please watch it... please... i am a loser... i want you to know... i don't deserve cummies...