Hullo, I go by Callisto! I'm twenty three & use xe/xem pronouns. I'm 2e autistic, with special interests in psychology, neuroscience & BDSM, which have afforded me extensive knowledge in these areas. Let's just say I'm well-versed in the art of CBT... in all it's forms.
I'm a Switch + pro-Domme, and actively engaged in my local kink scene, with kink playing a significant role in my life for over five years now. Outside of work I have two life partners of 8 and 5 years, my Dom, and my sub I maintain a 24/7 dynamic with.
This blog is focused on safer kink and sexual practices, with a particular emphasis on risk awareness and harm reduction. Each post integrates my personal experiences alongside additional research.
I’m currently juggling university and work, so while I’m not always as active as I’d like to be, I’m still committed to posting whenever possible.
Account & DM Rules
This space is welcoming and respectful. My dms are open for questions, requests or just to chat! (Please note: I am not looking for new dynamics.)
Minors
I totally get being curious about kink from a young age. You’re welcome to browse as this blog contains no explicit material. However, please do not interact or attempt kink activities yourself until you’re of legal age.
Requests & Questions
If you want to request a post or have any questions you can either send me a dm or an ask! I'm always happy to help out!
So uh, hi; not sure if this is the right place to ask this since it sits in the gray area between psychology and kink but here it goes; I think I may be a sub, but I’m not entirely sure. The reason for this is two fold.
First; I’m not all that experienced. Second; I also have confidence issues.
I guess the real problem is that I’m not sure if some of the thoughts and urges I get are just symptoms of someone who’s a bit rattled about life and wants someone else to take control and steer them through life, which could be good or bad depending on how it manifests. Or I could just be kinky, which, so long as it’s consensual on both ends of course, is just fine all around.
I’m asking cause I’ve been thinking about looking around for folks to experiment with, but I don’t want to use other people as a crutch for my mental problems or risk having someone get attached to me (or vice versa) only to find out that we’re sexually incompatible.
Is there a way for me to figure all this out before I risk hurting other people or is it just trial and error like a lot of life? Am I even making any sense? Also, any reading recommendations are more than welcome. Thanks for reading and have a great day.
Exploring kink doesn’t require you to be certain about your identity first. A lot of people figure it out gradually. For example, outside of kink I’m naturally a pretty independent and dominant person, so I originally assumed I was a Dom and over time I realized I’m actually more of a Switch with a slight submissive preference.
You can learn a lot about your preferences before involving another person. Try consuming erotica/fiction or educational BDSM content and just pay attention to what actually resonates with you. Notice what kinds of scenarios show up in your fantasies and whether the appeal feels sexual, emotional, comforting, or some mix of all three.
Try asking yourself: “Am I just wanting someone to take responsibility for my life decisions and fix things”? And “If my life were more stable and I felt confident, would I still find submission exciting?” Depending on how you answer some of the urge might be tied more to wanting emotional support or stability.
It’s also worth remembering that dynamics should give both people something positive. Your Dom still has needs too, especially emotional ones. Like any relationship, there should be mutual care and support.
Books I always recommend:
- The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
- SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
- Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams
thank you so much for making this blog! i’m not yet sexually active in any regard, but bdsm is definitely something of interest to me in the future. much appreciated for easy navigation of many topics surrounding it!
Thank you for the kind words! BDSM is a deep, complex world, and taking your time to understand safety, consent, and boundaries will set a strong foundation for when you’re ready. <3
sorry in advance if this has been asked (or said) before. can someone enter subspace even "just" from foreplay?
Absolutely yes. Subspace can come from the emotional connection, psychological anticipation, or even gentle sensory play during foreplay. Everyone’s threshold and triggers for subspace are unique, so it really depends on the person and the dynamic. I’ve personally dropped into subspace from nothing more than the right look from my Dom, it’s all about the connection and what flips that switch for you. :)
ummmm hii i'm. also super new to the bdsm scene and this seems like a good place to ask (but it's ok if you can't answer of course), what are all of the. classifications? dynamics?? like 'stone dom' or 'vers switch' i mean. what do they all mean. i see them occasionally and i have some kind of feeling like this is maybe important info but i'm not sureee.,,
thanks if you can answer, even just to point me in the right direction :]
Heyy, welcome! So those are basically labels people use to describe their preferred roles and styles in BDSM. They can be about power exchange (who’s in charge), sexual preferences, emotional style, or even specific physical boundaries.
There are far too many out there for me to explain them all however here are some examples:
Top/Bottom = “Top” is the person doing the action; “Bottom” is the one receiving it. This doesn’t mean dominance/submission it is about who’s physically doing what.
Dom/Sub = Power-exchange roles. A Dominant takes the lead/control; a Submissive gives up control.
Switch/Vers = Someone comfortable switching between roles, either in different scenes or even within the same scene. (Switch going with Dom/Sub and Vers going with Top/Bottom).
Stone Top/Stone Dom = “Stone” usually means they prefer not to be touched sexually and focus on giving.
Sadist/Masochist = Sadist enjoys giving pain; Masochist enjoys receiving it.
Brat/Brat-tamer = A brat is a playful, teasing submissive who enjoys pushing boundaries; a brat-tamer enjoys handling that energy.
These labels aren’t hard rules, more to help people communicate about preferences and boundaries quickly. A lot of people mix and match.
If you ever see a term and aren’t sure what it means, asking politely is totally fine or google will nearly always give you an answer.
Hope that helps! & Feel free to DM me if you have anymore questions.
This guide delves into the world of sounding, also known as urethral sounding or urethral play.
What is Sounding?
Sounding is a form of BDSM that involves inserting a thin, smooth object, often a metal rod, into the urethra.
The appeal of sounding, is multifaceted and highly personal. However, some common themes emerge:
- Intense Sensations: The urethra is highly sensitive, and the act of inserting a rod can produce intense sensations of pleasure, pain, or a combination of both.
- Prostate Stimulation: The urethra passes through the prostate gland, and stimulating this area can lead to intense orgasms.
- Power Dynamics: Sounding can be a powerful expression of dominance and submission within a BDSM relationship.
- Taboo and Forbiddenness: The act of inserting objects into the urethra is generally considered taboo, which can add to the excitement and arousal for some individuals.
Types
- Sounding: Involves inserting a rod into the urethra for stimulation.
- Plunging: The rod is inserted further into the urethra, past the prostate gland.
- Urethral Stuffing: Using thicker rods to stretch and expand the urethra.
Tools
- Sounding Rods: These are typically made of surgical-grade steel or silicone and come in various sizes and shapes.
- Catheters: Medical catheters can also be used for sounding.
- Other Objects: Some individuals use other objects, such as thermometers or knitting needles, but these are not recommended due to safety concerns.
Steel Rods
Pros:
- Durability: Steel is highly resistant to damage and corrosion, ensuring longevity.
- Easy Sterilization: Its non-porous nature makes it easy to sterilize, minimizing infection risk.
- Temperature Play: Steel's thermo-reactive properties allow for temperature play (heating or cooling).
Cons:
- Less Comfortable: Can feel colder and potentially less comfortable than silicone, especially for beginners.
- Rigidity: Its rigidity may be less comfortable for some users.
- Weight: Can be heavier than silicone.
Silicone Rods
Pros:
- Comfort: Generally considered more comfortable and flexible, especially for beginners.
- Flexibility: Allows for easier insertion and movement within the urethra.
- Variety: Available in a wide range of shapes and textures.
Cons:
- Durability: May be less durable than stainless steel and more prone to damage.
- Sterilization: Requires careful cleaning and sterilization to prevent bacterial growth.
- Lubricant Compatibility: Not all lubricants are compatible with silicone.
Risks
- Infection: The urethra is normally sterile, and introducing foreign objects can increase the risk of urinary tract infections.
- Tearing or Damage: The urethra is delicate and can be easily torn or damaged, which can lead to pain, bleeding, and scarring.
- Obstruction: Objects can become lodged in the urethra, leading to blockages that require medical intervention.
- Pain and Discomfort: Even with proper technique, sounding can be uncomfortable or painful, especially if the rod is too large or inserted too forcefully.
Mitigating Risks
- Sterility: All equipment must be sterile and single-use.
- Lubrication: Use plenty of water-based lubricant to reduce friction and discomfort.
- Slow and Gentle Insertion: Insert the rod slowly and gently, paying attention to your partner's feedback.
- Communication: Open communication is essential to ensure consent and safety.
- Safewords: Establish safewords or signals to stop the activity immediately if necessary.
- Medical Expertise: Seek guidance from experienced practitioners or workshops.
Aftercare
- Clean the Area: Clean the urethra with antiseptic solution after sounding.
- Monitor for Signs of Infection: Watch for signs of infection, such as pain, fever, or discharge.
- Seek Medical Attention: If you experience any complications, seek medical attention immediately.
Chemical play is a form of sensation play that involves using substances to create different sensations on the skin.
What is Chemical Play?
Chemical play involves the application of substances, such as liquids, gels, oils, or creams, to the skin to create various sensations, ranging from tingling to intense burning. These substances are typically applied to sensitive areas like genitals, nipples, and anus.
The appeal of chemical play lies in its ability to heighten sensations. The controlled discomfort and heightened awareness can be incredibly arousing for participants, leading to more intense orgasms and a deeper connection with their partner.
Types
While not strictly categorized, chemical play can involve various substances and techniques. Some common examples include using:
- Heating agents: Tiger Balm, cinnamon oil, chili peppers.
Although chemical play can enhance sexual experiences, its inherent risks demand careful, responsible practice. Potential risks include:
- Burns and Irritation: Many substances can cause burns, ranging from mild to severe.
- Allergic Reactions: Allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis, are possible.
- Infection: Introducing substances to sensitive areas increases the risk of infection.
- It's crucial to remember that once a substance is applied, its effects cannot be reversed.
Mitigating Risks
Prioritizing communication, consent, and proper technique is key to minimizing risks and maximizing enjoyment in chemical play. Essential steps include:
- Thorough Testing: Always test substances on a small, non-sensitive area of skin before applying them to genitals or other sensitive areas.
- Communication: Open communication is crucial. Establish safewords and signals to stop the play if needed.
- Preparation: Have neutralizing agents (e.g., water, milk) readily available.
- Medical Knowledge: Understand the potential side effects of the substances you are using.
Aftercare
Aftercare is essential to manage any discomfort or negative effects. This may include:
- Cleaning: Gently cleaning the affected area.
- Cooling: Applying cool compresses to reduce inflammation.
- Hydration: Drinking plenty of fluids.
- Comfort: Providing physical and emotional support.
Water bondage combines the excitement of bondage with the sensual and stimulating element of water.
What is Water Bondage?
Water bondage involves restraining a submissive partner and using water in various forms and temperatures to enhance the sensations of the scene. This can range from a gentle spray to full submersion.
The appeal of water bondage stems from several factors: the element of surprise, the heightened sensory experience, and the dynamic. The unpredictable nature of water, its ability to both soothe and shock, and its potential to restrict breathing, all contribute to the intensity of the experience.
Types
Water bondage can take many forms, including:
- Partial submersion: Immersing the submissive partially in water, such as a bath or a pool.
- Full submersion: Complete immersion in water, often in a controlled environment.
- Water spraying: Using a showerhead, hose, or other device to spray water onto the submissive.
- Temperature play: Utilizing hot or cold water to enhance sensations.
Tools
The tools used can be simple or elaborate:
- Ropes, cuffs, restraints: Standard bondage equipment.
- Showerheads, hoses: For water spraying.
- Bathtubs, pools, tanks: For submersion. Specialized tanks, like Houdini tanks, are sometimes used.
- Waterproof toys.
Risks
Water bondage carries inherent risks. It's crucial to prioritize safety and follow these guidelines:
- Drowning: The most serious risk, especially with full submersion.
- Aspiration: Inhaling water into the lungs.
- Hypothermia/Hyperthermia: Exposure to excessively cold or hot water.
- Injury: From restraints or falls.
Mitigating Risks
- Establish Safewords: Agree on clear signals to stop or modify the activity.
To ensure a safe and enjoyable experience, it's crucial to take steps to mitigate risks:
- Escape Routes: Ensure that your partner has a clear and easy way to escape the restraints if needed. This might involve using quick-release restraints or having saftey shears nearby.
- Water Temperature: Always test the water temperature before immersing your partner.
- Emergency Plan: Have a plan in place in case of an emergency. Know how to quickly remove restraints and a phone nearby to access emergency services, CPR training is highly reccomended.
- Communication is Key: Open and honest communication is essential throughout the entire process. Encourage your partner to speak up if they feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or need a break.
- Choose a safe and controlled environment: Ensure you can easily turn off the water and remove the person from the tub or shower.
- Never leave the submissive unattended: A second is all it takes for something to go wrong.
Aftercare
Before engaging in water bondage, discuss aftercare preferences with your partner. This ensures both individuals feel safe, comfortable, and cared for after the session. Consider creating a personalized aftercare plan that addresses both physical and emotional needs.
Physical Aftercare:
- Warmth and Comfort: Provide warm towels, blankets, and a comfortable, safe space to relax. The submissive may experience a temperature drop after water exposure.
- Hydration and Nourishment: Offer water, juice, or other hydrating beverages and light snacks.
- Injury Assessment: Gently check for any injuries sustained during the session. Address any discomfort promptly.
- Gentle Touch: A massage using soothing lotions can help relax muscles and ease any lingering tension from restraints.
Emotional Aftercare:
- Debriefing and Communication: Openly discuss the experience. This is a time for both partners to share their feelings, discuss what they enjoyed, and address any concerns or anxieties.
- Grounding Techniques: This might involve deep breathing exercises, quiet conversation, or simply cuddling and holding.
- Affirmations and Reassurance: Positive affirmations can help to reinforce the positive aspects of the experience and counter any negative feelings.
This guide delves into the world of tickle play, a playful and often intense form of erotic exploration.
What is Tickle Play?
Tickle play, sometimes known as tickle torture, is a form of sensation play that involves tickling a partner to elicit a range of bodily responses, from laughter and squirming to arousal and pleasure. This can range from light touches to more intense, even painful tickling, often incorporated into BDSM scenarios.
The appeal of tickle play lies in its unique blend of pleasure and discomfort. Here are some reasons why people enjoy it:
- Heightened Vulnerability: Tickling can create a sense of vulnerability and helplessness, which can be a turn-on for some individuals.
- Involuntary Laughter: The involuntary laughter triggered by tickling can be a source of arousal and release, especially when it's combined with other forms of stimulation.
- Intense Sensations: Tickling can create intense physical sensations that can be both pleasurable and stimulating, especially when focused on sensitive areas of the body.
- Power Play: The power dynamic inherent in tickle torture can be a source of excitement and satisfaction for both partners, with the dominant enjoying the control and the submissive enjoying the surrender.
- Emotional Release: Tickling can be a powerful way to release pent-up energy and emotions, leading to a sense of catharsis and relaxation.
Types
There are various types of tickle play, each with its own unique appeal and intensity:
- Light Tickling: This involves gentle tickling with fingers or feathers, often used as a playful foreplay or a way to build anticipation.
- Intense Tickling: This involves more vigorous tickling, often using tools or techniques to create a stronger sensation.
- Prolonged Tickling: This involves tickling for extended periods, often with the goal of pushing the submissive's limits and creating a sense of overwhelm.
- Restrained Tickling: This involves tickling a submissive who is restrained, either tied or held down, which can enhance the feeling of vulnerability and helplessness.
- Combined Tickle Torture: This involves combining tickling with other forms of sensation play, such as spanking, whipping, or flogging, to create a multi-sensory experience.
Tools
A variety of tools can be used to enhance tickle play, ranging from simple to more specialized:
- Fingers: The most common tool, offering a range of pressure and techniques.
- Feathers: Provide a light and airy sensation, often used for teasing or building anticipation.
- Brushes: Can be used for both gentle and intense tickling, depending on the type of brush and the pressure applied.
- Vibrating Toys: Can create a unique and intense tickling sensation, especially when used on sensitive areas.
- Wartenberg Pinwheels: These small, handheld devices with rotating pins can be used for light tickling.
- Body Claw Ticklers: These specialized tools are designed to create a strong and intense tickling sensation.
Risks
While tickle play can be a fun and exciting experience, it's important to be aware of potential risks:
- Muscle Strain: Excessive tickling can lead to muscle strain, especially in the abdomen, ribs, and feet.
- Abrasions: Rough tickling with tools or fingers can cause abrasions, especially on sensitive areas like the armpits or inner thighs.
- Breathing Difficulty: Intense tickling can make it difficult to breathe, especially if the submissive is restrained or unable to move freely.
- Emotional Distress: While consensual, tickle torture can sometimes lead to emotional distress, especially if the submissive feels overwhelmed or unable to communicate their boundaries effectively.
Mitigating Risks
To ensure a safe and enjoyable experience, it's crucial to take steps to mitigate risks:
- Clear Communication: Open and honest communication is essential, with both partners clearly expressing their boundaries, preferences, and limits.
- Safewords: Establish safewords that the submissive can use to signal that they need the tickling to stop or that they are feeling overwhelmed.
- Gradual Progression: Start with light tickling and gradually increase the intensity as the submissive becomes comfortable.
- Regular Breaks: Take breaks during extended tickling sessions to allow the submissive to rest and regain their composure.
- Gentle Touch: Avoid rough tickling that could cause abrasions or discomfort.
- Mindful Restraint: If using restraints, ensure they are comfortable and secure, and that the submissive can still breathe comfortably.
Aftercare
Aftercare in tickle play is essential for ensuring both partners feel comfortable and relaxed after an intense session.
Physical Aftercare:
- Gentle Touch and Reassurance: Offer gentle touch and reassurance.
- Hydration: Tickle play can be physically demanding, leading to sweating and potential dehydration. Offer water or other hydrating beverages to replenish fluids.
- Pain Relief: Over-the-counter pain relievers like ibuprofen, or options like a warm bath, a gentle massage can help manage any discomfort or muscle soreness.
- Rest and Relaxation: Allow time to rest and recover from the session.
Emotional Aftercare:
- Open Communication: Check in with your partner to ensure they are feeling okay and to discuss any concerns they may have about the session.
- Words of Affirmation: Offer words of praise and affection.
- Emotional Processing: Encourage your partner to process their experience and to talk about their feelings. This could involve a debriefing session.
- Time to Decompress: Allow your partner time to decompress and return to a calm and grounded state. This may involve a quiet activity, or a relaxing environment.
Ageplay involves role-playing as a younger or older version of oneself. This can involve acting, dressing, or behaving in ways that are typically associated with a different age group. Ageplay can be either sexual or non-sexual in nature.
Age regression is a form of psychological regression where an individual mentally reverts to a younger state of mind, ranging from a few years younger to infancy. This can involve feeling, thinking, and behaving in ways that are characteristic of a younger age. This can happen voluntarily or involuntarily.
Because of its association with BDSM, ageplay is considered an activity for adults only. Age regression, however, can be experienced by people of any age and is often used as a coping mechanism or therapeutic tool.
So you're curious about BDSM, but maybe a little overwhelmed?
It's Okay to Be a Newbie. Everyone starts somewhere. Don't be afraid to ask questions, do your research, and take things at your own pace.
BDSM, is a broad spectrum of activities and experiences that explore power dynamics, sensuality, and intimacy. It's not just about pain, dominance, or sex; it's about exploring a range of sensations and emotions in a safe and consensual way.
It's crucial to remember that BDSM is a diverse and multifaceted world. The key is to explore with an open mind, communicate openly, and prioritize safety above all else.
Educating Yourself:
Phase 1: Reccomended Research
- Safewords.
- Aftercare.
- Hard and Soft Limits.
- Roles.
- Dynamics.
- Safety Guidelines.
- Headspaces.
- Vetting.
- Scene Negotiation.
- Collaring. (Optional.)
- Rules and Punishments. (Optional.)
Phase 2: Kink-Specific Research
- Identify a Specific Kink.
- Research Safe Practices.
- Research Associated Risks.
- Research Risk Mitigation Strategies.
- Research Emergency Procedures.
More Ways to Learn:
- Read books and articles.
- Attend workshops. (FetLife is a great resource for finding BDSM workshops!)
- Don't hesitate to reach out to experienced members of the community for advice and guidance. Many are happy to share their knowledge and help newcomers.
Hello! I had a request for a educational post you could maybe talk about?
It's a little unknown or less talked about in my own personal experience and I'm not sure how to go around educating doms that DM me about certain things.
I am active in the BDSM and sexual environment scene but I am also an age regressor! I use it to cope with my trauma and stress, in a regulated and controlled environment and way. I use it when I feel needed and only then. I don't overuse it.
I digress, I was wondering if you could make a small post about the differences between a Sub and a little (Age regressor) a lot of doms get it confused and I was wondering if real doms don't know about the differences or if they are being weird like that.
I'm sorry if this isn't an ordinary ask, I have troubles with communication and wording things but I hope you can get what I mean?
Hi! For whatever reason I can't login to my kink blog so anon it is.
I'm a longtime lurker in various online spaces, including tumblr ofc, but I'm just now beginning to think about finding a partner myself or just joining the irl bdsm scene/community in general. Would you have any tips as to how to go about this? Red flags for clubs, online profiles, etc?
I'm a stone top, but as mentioned I'm new to the scene and wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable taking on a dominant role until I was more familiar with irl communities and scenes. The last thing I want is for my inexperience to cause a problem for me or my partner/s during a scene, I just don't know how to go about educating myself & gaining experience in irl spaces while still maintaining my personal boundaries. Any tips on how to go about that?
Sorry if this question isn't one you feel comfortable answering.
- M, they/them
When I first joined my local scene I felt way out of my depth. A good piece of advice I got was don't get discouraged if you dont find a partner or friends immediately. It is common for people to try a few BDSM events before deciding if it's right for them and because building connections takes time and effort, many experienced members wait to invest in those connections until they see a newcomer plans on sticking around.
Finding a Partner Locally:
- Attend Events: Clubs, workshops, meetups. Check online listings, social media groups, or word-of-mouth within your community.
- Start Slow: Don't rush into anything. Build trust and rapport gradually.
Finding a Partner Online:
- Use Reputable Platforms.
- Be honest and upfront about your interests, boundaries, and experience level.
- Use caution and don't share personal information until you've built trust.
Remember, finding the right partner takes time and patience. Be respectful, communicative, and prioritize safety throughout the process.
I can't offer advice based on local club experiences since my area lacks them. However, I strongly recommend vetting any potential partners or hosts.
Red Flags for Party Hosts:
- Lack of Experience: If they seem inexperienced or unprepared.
- No Safety Protocols.
- Dismissive of Saftey or Consent.
- Aggressive or Demaning.
- Excessive Alcohol or Drugs.
Red Flags for Online Profiles:
- Pressure to Meet Quickly.
- Dismissive of Saftey or Consent.
- Aggressive or Demaning.
Educating Yourself:
Phase 1: Reccomended Research
- Safety Protocols.
- Vetting.
- Hard and Soft Limits.
- Safe Words.
- Scene Negotiation.
- Headspaces (Dom/Subspace, Drop, Frenzy.)
- Aftercare.
- Contracts. (Optional.)
Phase 2: Kink-Specific Research
- Identify a Specific Kink.
- Research Safe Practices.
- Research Associated Risks.
- Research Risk Mitigation Strategies.
- Research Emergency Procedures.
Discuss all aspects of Phases 1 & 2 with your partner before engaging in any activity. Remember, you and your partner are a team; ensuring a safe and positive experience is a shared responsibility.
- Read Books and Articles.
- Attend Workshops.
- Talk to Experienced People: Don't hesitate to reach out to experienced members of the community for advice and guidance. Many are happy to share their knowledge and help newcomers.
Take things slowly, communicate openly, and don't be afraid to say no. The BDSM community is diverse, and there's a place for everyone, regardless of experience level.
I hope this helps! Feel free to ask if you have any more questions. And enjoy the journey of exploration!
Friendly reminder it’s okay for doms/tops to safeword too <3 there’s so much focus on making sure the sub/bottom is okay, and that’s great! But there’s another person (if not more) in these scenes too and it doesn’t make you any less dom to use your safeword or to need aftercare
Scenes can get heavy sometimes. And it’s okay to need reassurance that you’re not a bad person or that you didn’t go too far. You’re still a good dom/top if you need to tap out and if anyone makes you feel bad for that they’re jerks.
Vetting: A Guide to Ensuring Safety and Compatibility
Vetting is a crucial process that helps individuals assess potential playmates and hosts for compatibility, safety, and trustworthiness.
BDSM involves inherent risks, both physical and emotional. It's essential to ensure that your play partner or host is not only skilled and experienced but also respects boundaries, prioritizes safety, and shares your values. Vetting helps mitigate these risks by providing a structured framework.
Vetting isn't a one-time event; it's an ongoing process that evolves as your relationship develops. Regularly checking in with your partner, discussing boundaries, and addressing any concerns are crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling dynamic.
Key Elements for Potential Partners
1. Before embarking on the search, it's vital to clarify your own preferences and boundaries. What kind of play dynamic are you seeking? What are your "must-haves" and "absolute no-gos" in a partner? This self-reflection helps you identify individuals who align with your needs and avoid those who don't.
2. Just as important as knowing what you want is recognizing warning signs that indicate potential incompatibility or danger. These red flags can range from incompatible play styles to a lack of respect for boundaries or a history of problematic behavior.
3. For those seeking a Dominant partner, it's crucial to inquire about their experience, training, and any specialized skills related to specific kinks. This ensures that they have the knowledge and expertise to engage in safe and fulfilling play.
4. Just as you might seek references for a new job, it can be helpful to inquire about a potential partner's reputation within the BDSM community. This can provide valuable insights into their trustworthiness, safety practices, and overall character.
Questions for Potential Partners
Here are some questions you can ask a potential BDSM partner during the vetting process.
- What is your experience with BDSM? (Be specific: years of experience, types of play, etc.)
- How much do you feel that you still have to learn?
- What are your comfort levels with different types of play?
- Do you have any formal training or certifications in BDSM safety practices?
- Have you ever had any accidents or injuries during play? How did you handle them?
- How do you ensure safe, consensual, and ethical play?
- Do you have a process for checking in on your partner's comfort level during play?
- Do you ever drink or take any other substances before a scene?
- What are your expectations for communication before, during, and after a scene?
- What are your non-negotiables?
- What kind of aftercare do you prefer to give and receive?
- What are your long-term goals or expectations for our interactions, if any?
- What are your thoughts on STI testing and safe sex practices? How many people are you currently seeing, if any?
- What are your thoughts on sharing information about our interactions with others?
- Are you monogamous or polyamorous? Do you have a partner (or partners)? How might that affect this dynamic?
- Are you looking for bedroom-only play, a part-time lifestyle, or a full-time dynamic?
- Would you be willing to provide references from previous or other partners?
Key Elements for Hosts
As a guest, you're placing trust in the host to create a safe and respectful environment, especially if you're engaging in activities that involve restraint, impact, or other potentially vulnerable situations.
- Start by exploring the host's online presence. Look at their social media profiles, Fetlife pages, and any other online platforms where they might be active. Pay attention to their posts, interactions, and overall communication style.
- If the host is active in the local BDSM community, ask around for feedback. Talk to people who have attended their events or played with them before. While past experiences are not always indicative of future behavior, they can provide valuable insights into the host's reputation.
Questions for Hosts
- What safety protocols do you have in place? (e.g., guidelines, safe words, aftercare.)
- What is your experience with handling accidents or injuries during play?
- What is your policy on substance use during events?
- How do you ensure the privacy and confidentiality of your guests?
- How long have you been involved in the BDSM community?
- How long have you been hosting events or sessions?
- How many events or sessions have you hosted?
- What types of BDSM activities are you experienced in hosting?
- Can you provide references from previous guests?
- Have you received any training or education in BDSM safety and ethics?
- What are your personal boundaries and limits as a host?
- Do you have any specific requirements or preferences for participants?
- How do you handle disagreements or conflicts between participants?
- What is your cancellation policy?
- What is your policy on bringing personal equipment?
Checking with References
- What was your overall experience with this host?
- Did the host maintain a safe and respectful environment?
