Illusion and fantasy @caloriesincondiments-blog - Tumblr Blog

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the wasted years, the wasted youth

i know i never post anymore, but i have no where else i can put this.

ive started taking zoloft. ive been on it about 3 weeks now. ive been taking only half-doses because the first time i took a whole i felt horrible.

yesterday was the most emotionally trying and exhausting day i have had in a long time. i hurt all over. nothing made me feel better. i cried harder than i have cried in ages.

the anniversary of a great loss is approaching, and had i not looked at my calendar to mark when i had jury duty, i would not have realized it until it got closer. because i saw it so soon, i will have over a months time before that anniversary arrives, and it will be the most painful time for me.

yesterday i reached out to a few friends. i cant just publicly post about this issue on facebook or my main tumblr, because the people i see in my everyday life do not know about this event, or the person it involves. i kept it secret. it is so hard not having anyone to talk to about it.

i reached out to a few friends, but no one reached back. not one person. if i were more prone to suicidal tendencies, i know i would have cracked last night. i felt like cutting for the first time in ages. i didnt though, because i felt maybe someone who might care (who i also feel deceived/cheated by, for absolutely no reason) might see them. this person also has some of the cause for last night's episode.

i'm sure no one will read this, or care, but i needed to put it out there. i hope i can make i through this, push forward like i have done.... but my heart feels like its made of marble, and its pulling me underground. moving hurts. breathing hurts. the thought of eating makes me nauseous.

i cant see my therapist til next week, either.... usually id be seeing her today. i feel completely abandoned.

#personal

who even knows how many times the source has been changed. people are irritating. itss not even about the source though, its the idolization of someones suffering.

i feel like i'm falling apart. there is no one constant in my life, but eveything is the same. its a circle. doing things automatically, robotically, and without thought. theres nothing stimulating

the few friends i have either barely talk to me anymore, or i cannot open myself up completely to them. or both.

the guy i was messing around with decided he's going to date, so i dont even have the hope of having his warm body with me.

the guy i went on a date with last week is out somwhere where reception is bad, and so we cant talk... communication is extremely important to me, and without it i feel alone. sending him a message when he hasnt responded to my previous one or two feels like i'm being clingy. i'm always the one to initiate conversation in every situation.

the guy i was madly in love with but withdrew himself from my life has recently spoken with me on a couple occasions, but... its not consistent. i realize loving him is damaging to me and i cant have him like i once thought i would, and i am okay with that. but i still want to talk to him.

my best friend is busy, distracted... we dont talk like we used to. this kills me.

i feel overwhelmingly abandoned. i feel empty. i feel unwanted. i feel useless. i feel unneeded. i feel undesirable. i feel ignored. i feel like a ghost. i feel invisible, and mute.

i try so hard to be there for everyone and be supportive and loving and caring and a rock to those that need me... but i am sandstone. i am withering away.

i just wish it showed physically. i cant sleep. i cant draw.

i need to connect. i need to cry... but i dont think i can.

i havent cut in a long time... and that's kind of the same thing as crying.

#trigger #cutting #personal

sooo i made a tumblr for MGF. i'm hoping to get some new material up soon.

....

its in the works

rdnatpel replied to your post: anyone know how to hack into a myspace account?

why?

i want to get into my old myspace account to get the pictures i put on there but i cannot remember which email or password i used

#rdnatpel

ok so i have fucking high cholesterol?? like its +/- 10 points higher than it should be but what the fuck

i dont eat fried foods, i dont eat overly fatty foods, i dont eat fast food.

i also dont work out enough (read as: at all) and i do eat cheese, but hell youd think my sugar levels would be high cause i fucking LOVE sweets.

but NO i have high cholesterol and i'm fucking mad about it so (ok heres what makes sense aka NOT) i'm eating the fish i bought yesterday. its like fucking breaded ok. this is the first time in EVER i have bought breaded seafood or breaded anything like that to eat.

any one know any ED-related memes? like not the recovery starfish but some other ones. i feel like i need to make one along the lines of:

"Find out cholesterol is high rage quit and eat all of the things"

FUCK MY LIFE.

anyone know how to hack into a myspace account?

#myspace

i should have bought alcohol wipes.

i feel like bleeding, but i dont have the right tools, so i will sleep.

i-am-the-oracular-spectacular

it would be really fucking cool if someone would talk to me.

like one of the two people - if not both - whom i talk about fucking everything to.

>.>

i'm about to email L asking if he just plans on never talking to be again. its something ive rolled around in my head for a while, and i'm really fucking curious.

welp no more awesome fucking sex for me. i guess it takes out a lot of secrecy from my life and awkwardness on some levels but still i'm pretty annoyed about it.

#tw #trigger warn #lax #laxative #laxative abuse #cut #cutting #self harm #angry angry angry

my lips are tingly like they feel chapped slightly, and that slightly raised dark spot on my inner lip is back, has reoccurred a couple times since then. i'm hoping its just cause im dehydrated or stress or caused by lack of sleep. i'm seeing my doc friday and going to ask her about it then - hopefully its nothing serious. :{

i think i maybe subconciously bite my lip and it raises but and turns dark like a bruise...?

ive been told possibly a canker/chancer sore? ugh i dont wanna look this shit up online for fear of what google will tell me.

#personal #lip #lip sore #idk worried

so went to therapy today, and after talking about nothing important for nearly the whole hour right towards the end something came up regarding weight and old pictures. something about that i had photos from my lowest weights and that if i could be that size then i could be now, again. then i realized that all my body photos from that time are on my dead and fried laptops, and that realization made me choke up and almost start crying. i started listing where i could maybe still find the photos online (i.e. myspace, deviant art, tumblr). it took me a minute to realize what i was doing but i snapped out of it and now we're probably going to discuss it next week. i always experience a disconnect when i see photos of myself. i dont think they are me, or that they look like me. the photos at my lower weights seem more real to me than current photos of me. there is a disconnect, and ive come to notice it more this week than any other time

#personal #old photos #lw photos #disconnect #disassociation #therapy