hi im ethan

ethan's sideblog for cal and venix (they/them prefered he/him okay) WARNING: ethan often posts his depressing thoughts on this blog. if you do not want to see sad stuff We recomend finding a different blog to look at

[cals-buddy]

too many people are worried about Us

We need to stop

[cals-buddy]

so bored

[cals-buddy]

im tired of them only being in my head

Our head

whatever

[cals-buddy]

sucks how much We want to talk to someone right now but how shitty We are at conversation

[cals-buddy]

im still so angry i cant focus on anything 

[cals-buddy]

We need to go back to therapy

its clear now that We cannot handle these issues on Our own

especially when the only voice of reason We had left is so detached right now

venix is so loud and i have no clue whats going on with cal or why hes acting like he hasnt slept in years

im so fucking tired

[cals-buddy]

cal had been quiet lately

ven is louder

im not sure what this means

maybe it means We’re slowly drifting further into insanity

all i know right now is that dad is being a dick and We want to hurt him.

[cals-buddy]

i think We should maybe go back to therapy for actual therapy things instead of just convincing Our therapist to let Us start t

but also i think We do fine on Our own

just cal ven and i

it works sometimes but sometimes it doesnt and sometimes i think maybe i should talk to someone about them

i also think if i ever did We’d be put on meds and id lose them

and i really really dont want to lose them

[cals-buddy]

cal: i wish you could see us 

me: me too

cal: and touch us

venix: ok why would that matter you perv

cal: i cant hug him :(

[cals-buddy]

i wish We could believe people when they tell Us that they love/respect/are here for Us and always will. how can someone make a promise like that? you have no idea what may happen in the future. you have no idea what We may be hiding. you have no idea what We may do. and neither do We. and its horrifying. 

[cals-buddy]

struggling to say “i” instead of “We” while half asleep send help

[cals-buddy]

i didnt expect to feel so trapped here so soon

we’re still in the process of moving but i just want to leave this place now just like i have everywhere else we’ve lived

i thought maybe this time it could be different 

[cals-buddy]

wanna get sad drunk right now

[cals-buddy]

cal: hey its breakfast time lets go make pancakes

me: what.

cal: pancakes. breakfast

me: its 6 am We havent slept. im not even hungry??

cal: pancaakes

me: okay fine

*later downstairs*

me: dude this pancake batter looks rancid as shit

cal: yeah it kinda does-

venix: its fine eat it. death is worth the joy of delicious pancakes

me: We’re asking dad if its okay

(spoilers: it wasnt)

me: ok no pancakes then its time for bed

dad: oh hey you should make me some of those eggs sandwiches youve been eating nonstop for like 3 weeks

cal: e g g s

[cals-buddy]

lately ive been afraid to fall asleep

We havent been having nightmares. We’ve never had a nightmare before

but just the silence right before We fall asleep and being left with Our thoughts with no distractions it too much to handle. i wish We could fall asleep listening to music or watching youtube or anything other than laying in silence for so long

[cals-buddy]

thats not what We wanted, google

[cals-buddy]

karri (Our “mom”) just texted Us asking how we are doing like she suddenly cares after years of not talking to Us outside of christmas and thanksgiving 

i dont know what goal she assumes she’ll reach with this but We’re obviously not answering her.

im upset she thought it a good idea to remind Us of her existence in the first place.