[manslaught-a]

mikayla freezes for a moment, prepared to give her the same answer she'd given to any woman who attempted to do anything with her prison— i'm not interested. but then she reconsiders, because calypso's... probably only trying to be her friend, and as hesitant as mikayla is to let anyone new into her life, maybe it's not the worst idea in the world, having someone else around. “ uh, sure. i'm not doing anything after this. t— ” she cuts herself off, nearly telling her that tai's out of state, which pretty much frees her schedule outside of school. “ so, you know, whatever. ”

[calypsode]

her brows furrow for a moment, because it seems like mikayla’s trying to tell her something—  but she corrects herself,  so calypso decides it’s not her place to push.   her brows start to furrow when mikayla offers to do something after this—   calypso isn’t complaining,  because she wants to get to know her outside of school,  but it's not exactly what she was offering.   a date,  she meant,  but if that’s something they need to ease into instead,  she can be patient,  just as she’s been trying to work her way up to asking at all.   “really?  yeah,  i could use a break from all the studying,  anyway.   it’s kind of a lot.”   she scoffs,  shaking her head.  “i like it, though.   i’ve always liked staying busy. it makes me feel good."

[calypsode]

"hey, um." she's putting one text book away, ready to get out another, though she worries the question she wants to ask may be met with rejection - which may mean she might have to leave. but they've been studying together for a while now, and calypso likes the person she's gotten to know. she knows @manslaught has to deal with a lot of judgement, but it's never scared calypso away. "i was thinking, if you were up for it, maybe we could hang out sometime. like, actually hang out, not just study," she offers, shooting her a warm, hopeful smile.

[calypsode]

👁️

[manslaught-a]

her wife should be the first person she wants to go to about this sort of thing, should be her safe place, the person she looks to for comfort, but she finds herself wanting someone else— someone who doesn't even care about her, regardless of what she said in the car. it only feels right, talking to tai about this, because she was the person there for her when mikayla was dealing with the aftermath of javi— but she's with calypso, not taissa, so this is what she gets instead.

do you know what he meant to me, though? mikayla wants to ask, because she doesn't think calypso really knows her at all— that's her own fault, not calypso's; she's held so much back with her for their entire relationship, not only because of the promises she made to the other survivors, but because she doesn't know how to fully open up to anyone else anymore, to let them all the way in. she's done that before, and only got burned for it in the end, so she won't risk it happening again, not even with someone who's spent years of her life with her by now. but mikayla knows she needs to let calypso feel useful, like she's actually capable of helping her.

“ not fucking good, ” she grumbles, afraid to be any more honest than that, because she can't let herself break down. mikayla knows calypso wouldn't judge her for it, but she won't let herself anyway. “ i don't get— ” why he didn't reach out to me. she thinks back to a night over fifteen years ago, when travis had found mikayla in their kitchen, bleeding, surrounded by broken glass, terrified that she'd done something to hurt herself on purpose; she remembers the fear in his eyes, the concern, so why would he do this to her? “ i didn't know anything was wrong. ” of course that's not entirely true, because she knows travis had suffered so much, but she's left to wonder if something else happened to make him finally reach his breaking point. but just like taissa twenty years ago, he left her without answers, forced to wonder if there's anything she could have done to change it.

[calypsode]

of course that's what she's expecting,  but if anything,  she's surprised that mikayla at least gave her an honest answer,  even if she still doesn't seem interested in expanding on that.   she knows this isn't the first friend mikayla's lost,  but she's never asked about the others,  always respecting her privacy  — -   but this is different,  because travis is someone she knew personally,  too,  even if not nearly the same as mikayla did.  ❝  baby, ❞    she starts quietly,   shaking her head.   ❝  it's not your fault,  ❞   she says first,  because she doesn't want her burdening herself with that while she's already grieving.    of course she doesn't want to be the first to bring up what they'd been through,   but it's all she can think about now that she's lost travis,  that it makes sense,  no matter how tragic and heartbreaking it is,  because there have been too many times she’s wondered how mikayla is still standing after all she’d been through — one of the many reasons she loves her,  for how courageous she’d always seen her to be.

calypso takes a deep breath,  and carefully,  she reaches for mikayla’s hand—  even though there’s a knot in her stomach telling her she shouldn’t.  ❝  whatever he was going through,  he didn’t want to put that on you,  ❞   she says quietly,  only making an assumption— but travis seemed to be a good friend,  so she has to assume he never wanted to burden her if her was really at that place.   ❝  there’s not alway something you can do when someone doesn’t let you in.  ❞   she takes a deep breath, trying to search mikayla’s eyes to find out more than she’s assuming she’s telling her.   ❝  it’s good that you and natalie were there for each other.   she’s welcome here at any time,  you know that.  ❞ and maybe it would be good for her, because as much as calypso wants to help, she knows she can't understand what they've been through the same way nat could.

[manslaught-a]

@calypsode: did you love me?

maybe it makes her a bad person, but a part of mikayla was hoping not to have to deal with calypso in person again. in the days after she'd first left, mikayla kept trying to reach out— texting, calling, only to receive absolutely no answer. all of that abruptly ended the moment taissa showed up on her door, and everything just spiraled from there. she's had to deal with so much since then — some things good, most things horrible — that she can't handle this interaction on top of it, but she knows she has to. nat died trying to be a better person, and while mikayla can't promise to always do the same thing, she knows there's an opportunity to do the right thing now, and that's give calypso some kind of closure— mikayla knows better than anyone how hard it is to go without it.

she scowls down at the moving boxes in front of her, because it's easier to focus on that than the woman she spent the last seven years of her life married to, knowing that she's about to make herself look like a terrible person by admitting the truth— but that's what she's always been. she's always been a monster, just not in the ways the public is convinced she is. “ of course i did. ” that's the truth, and mikayla's tempted to leave it at that, because it makes her sound better, but she knows calypso deserves more than that. “ i just— i was never in love with you. ”

mikayla doesn't want to admit calypso was right about all the things she accused her of the night she left, but it doesn't feel like as much of a defeat as it had that night— because now, she knows she can have the person she really wants, packing all of her things to move back to new jersey for her right now. that night, she'd been terrified of being left again, of starting over, but she doesn't have to worry about that anymore— hopefully. “ it's not, like— i wasn't waiting for her. you weren't some placeholder. ” waiting for taissa would have meant she still had hope that they could be together again, but all of that died so many years ago. “ i thought i could be in love with you. i wanted to be. i just— ” her eyes fall closed, nose scrunching, because this is where she has to admit calypso was right. “ i never fell out of it with her. ”

[calypsode]

of course there were times when it felt like mikayla was a million miles away—  but calypso tried not to let herself dwell,  constantly reminding herself that it’s just the way mikayla was.  it wasn't personal.   of course she loved her,  even when it was difficult for her to make that clear—   but she knows better now.   she’s spent the last week recounting their relationship,  wondering if things could have ever been different.  maybe she wouldn’t have let herself fall for someone she knew wasn’t over her ex—   or maybe that was never an option,  because when she fell for mikayla,  it happened so fast,  she could barely stop herself.  she feels stupid now,  and that makes her resent mikayla more for letting her,   because maybe she could have understood the feelings she still harbored for her ex,  given all they went through together —  but she can’t understand the way she behaved when she called her on it,  nor can she accept the years she wasted thinking she was the one giving mikayla exactly what she needed.  

 she looks away,  because the word ‘never’ shoots a chill through her entire body.   she’s been angry for a while now,  determined to never see her face again—   and yet,  news of natalie’s death brought on an instinct she couldn’t ignore,   to still care for her.    she’s too tired to be angry anymore,  sadness washing over her instead because not only has she lost the woman she loves,   she really can’t reach her anymore,   she can’t do what she’s used to doing by trying to help her through all of this.  that’s someone else’s job,  she assumes,  though she wonders if on the other end,  her wife is going through the same as her,  or if she's going to let mikayla down again.   that makes her angrier,  knowing she’d never hurt her,  while her ex already has—  but that can’t be her problem anymore.  she can’t be responsible for picking up the pieces like she did before.  

at least she’s out of tears after these days alone—  for now,  anyway,  because she can still feel them welling in her eyes regardless,  but she refuses to let them fall.  she still cares about mikayla despite everything,  but that doesn’t mean she deserves to see her crumble,  either.  ❝  i was in love with you,  ❞    she finally says,  her voice quiet yet steady.  the past tense doesn’t even feel right,  because she can’t fall out of love with her just like that,  but she can’t let herself think of it in the present,  not when she doesn't want to be in love with her anymore.  not when she can’t be.   ❝  you fucking used me,  mikayla.   you let me keep falling in love with you even when you knew you were never getting over her.  ❞    maybe there’s some honesty to mikayla’s words,  but it hurts even trying to imagine her being so oblivious when she saw the way she looked at the TV the night taissa won her senate seat.   it was so clear to calypso then that mikayla loved her in a way that she could never even imagine loving calypso,  and that was the worst part—  after everything she did for her, after everything tai did to her,   how could she still not measure up?   and why does she have to live with that thought now,  picking apart at her,  driving her mad?  

her arms cross over her chest as she takes a deep breath.   ❝  i know,  ❞  she says,  words coming out in annoyance,  because she already told mikayla that,  and she wasn't actually expecting to hear mikayla own it.   ❝  i wasn’t a placeholder,  ❞  she responds dryly.   ❝  just someone who treated you the way you wished she treated you until—  what,   now she’s  .  .   .  ready?  you two finally get to leave your wives and live happily ever after?  ❞    there are so many other questions she wants to ask,   like if mikayla actually believes in her,   what they’re doing about the kid she saw in those photos she’d looked up,  how she actually thinks this is going to work—  but it’s not her place.   there’s just still a part of her that worries and cares too much about mikayla to let it go,  because even though she shouldn’t care about mikayla’s own heart breaking,  she can’t help but feel like she’s dooming herself as she walks away from this—   even if calypso has no reason to want her back, either.

[manslaught-a]

calypso may be the woman she married, but mikayla does not want to deal with her right now. it's not fair to her, because calypso's never done anything wrong, but after everything she's had to go through in the last couple of days — reuniting with her ex, looking at autopsy photos of a man who practically became her brother, getting blackmailed, and then finally having no choice but to actually have a conversation with taissa for the first time in decades — it's hard for her to feign interest in her relationship. especially since being around taissa reminded her that calypso could never compare to her, that she was just the woman she settled for, because she couldn't have the one she wanted.

“ what? ” already, she sounds irritated, like she's over this conversation despite it having just begun. she's tempted to make some excuse about having a headache, separating herself so she could process everything on her own, but she tries to remind herself that calypso's the one who never left, so she owes her the same. mikayla brings her hand up to her forehead, trying to compose herself. “ it was— ” she's fully prepared to lie, tell her that her day was just stressful because of work, nothing else, but mikayla knows she's been off for a while now without any explanation, unable to actually form the words travis martinez is dead— and now, it's only going to be worse, so she has to give calypso something for the sake of holding onto their marriage, because if that fails, then mikayla's just back to square one.

mikayla looks down at her hands, twisting the ring on her finger, her irritation finally beginning to fade. “ i had to go see nat, ” she starts, giving part of the truth, because she can't reveal that she saw other survivors, too. “ travis killed himself. ” somehow, she doesn't break down when she says it, doesn't even cry, because she's never let herself be that vulnerable in front of calypso, and she's not prepared to start now. instead, she just stares blankly at her hands, her voice hollow. “ so my night's— kind of fucking sucked. ”

[calypsode]

she catches the irritation in her voice,  and she wants to call her on it,  but something in her makes her too afraid—  like she’s walking on eggshells, afraid to start a fight.   it’s not the first time she’s felt that way with her,  like something’s wrong and she’s too far away but calypso doesn’t know how to get closer again,  but it’s more prominent now than ever,  too impossible to ignore. 

her brows furrow, caught off guard by the mention of nat—  someone calypso feels she’s barely gotten to know,   like mikayla always kept her friends separate.  it was never anything calypso pushed on,  because after what they went through together when they were teens,  calypso understood,   but clearly,  something’s wrong now,  so she braces herself for more.  her face falls when she finally goes on,  immediately taking a step closer to mikayla,  dropping all of her hesitation and her own insecurities about whatever feels off between them.  that’s all this was,  she was grieving—   alone, apparently,  so all calypso knows now is that she wants to take care of her,  because she knows how important travis was to her.   she reaches out,  taking mikayla’s hands in hers,  like this is the most soothing thing for her now,  and her thumbs brush over mikayla’s knuckles gently.   “mikayla,”   she says quietly,  shaking her head in disbelief.   “i’m so sorry.   i know what he meant to you.”   her words are genuine, full of shock and grief and a desperate aching to just hold her,   but she still feels like it’s not welcome— like she needs mikayla to make the move, if she wants it.   “how are you doing?”   she knows the general answer—   bad, obviously,  but given the casualness of her words,  she’s just trying to get her to open up.  

[calypsode]

calypso worked the late shift the night prior —  conveniently for @manslaught,  who had only gotten home a few hours before her.   she doesn't expect her wife to have returned to her hometown,  or reunited with any old friends,  especially not her ex-girlfriend,   but there's still something off with her that she can't pinpoint.   it doesn't feel entirely different than the mikayla she fell in love with, though—   something about her always felt like she loved at a distance,  and calypso was okay with that,   knowing what she'd been through,   but these past few weeks,  she noticed something shift.   she trusts her wife,  and it's not the first time calypso ever felt like she wouldn't let her in,  but it feels impossible to connect with her these days at all,  and it's something she can't shake.   "you've barely said a word all day," she finally notes, though that's putting it lightly, easing into the conversation. "how was your night?"