of course there were times when it felt like mikayla was a million miles away— but calypso tried not to let herself dwell, constantly reminding herself that it’s just the way mikayla was. it wasn't personal. of course she loved her, even when it was difficult for her to make that clear— but she knows better now. she’s spent the last week recounting their relationship, wondering if things could have ever been different. maybe she wouldn’t have let herself fall for someone she knew wasn’t over her ex— or maybe that was never an option, because when she fell for mikayla, it happened so fast, she could barely stop herself. she feels stupid now, and that makes her resent mikayla more for letting her, because maybe she could have understood the feelings she still harbored for her ex, given all they went through together — but she can’t understand the way she behaved when she called her on it, nor can she accept the years she wasted thinking she was the one giving mikayla exactly what she needed.
she looks away, because the word ‘never’ shoots a chill through her entire body. she’s been angry for a while now, determined to never see her face again— and yet, news of natalie’s death brought on an instinct she couldn’t ignore, to still care for her. she’s too tired to be angry anymore, sadness washing over her instead because not only has she lost the woman she loves, she really can’t reach her anymore, she can’t do what she’s used to doing by trying to help her through all of this. that’s someone else’s job, she assumes, though she wonders if on the other end, her wife is going through the same as her, or if she's going to let mikayla down again. that makes her angrier, knowing she’d never hurt her, while her ex already has— but that can’t be her problem anymore. she can’t be responsible for picking up the pieces like she did before.
at least she’s out of tears after these days alone— for now, anyway, because she can still feel them welling in her eyes regardless, but she refuses to let them fall. she still cares about mikayla despite everything, but that doesn’t mean she deserves to see her crumble, either. ❝ i was in love with you, ❞ she finally says, her voice quiet yet steady. the past tense doesn’t even feel right, because she can’t fall out of love with her just like that, but she can’t let herself think of it in the present, not when she doesn't want to be in love with her anymore. not when she can’t be. ❝ you fucking used me, mikayla. you let me keep falling in love with you even when you knew you were never getting over her. ❞ maybe there’s some honesty to mikayla’s words, but it hurts even trying to imagine her being so oblivious when she saw the way she looked at the TV the night taissa won her senate seat. it was so clear to calypso then that mikayla loved her in a way that she could never even imagine loving calypso, and that was the worst part— after everything she did for her, after everything tai did to her, how could she still not measure up? and why does she have to live with that thought now, picking apart at her, driving her mad?
her arms cross over her chest as she takes a deep breath. ❝ i know, ❞ she says, words coming out in annoyance, because she already told mikayla that, and she wasn't actually expecting to hear mikayla own it. ❝ i wasn’t a placeholder, ❞ she responds dryly. ❝ just someone who treated you the way you wished she treated you until— what, now she’s . . . ready? you two finally get to leave your wives and live happily ever after? ❞ there are so many other questions she wants to ask, like if mikayla actually believes in her, what they’re doing about the kid she saw in those photos she’d looked up, how she actually thinks this is going to work— but it’s not her place. there’s just still a part of her that worries and cares too much about mikayla to let it go, because even though she shouldn’t care about mikayla’s own heart breaking, she can’t help but feel like she’s dooming herself as she walks away from this— even if calypso has no reason to want her back, either.