#10

isn't that what they all said? —that i'm fearsome, and i'm wretched, and i'm wrong.

[manslaught-a]

#MANSLAUGHT: MIKAYLA DESOUSA #10, an independent original character primarily set in the yellowjackets universe, as well as the riordanverse. previously warpainte. PAGES. PROMPTS.

Visit Original Link

[manslaught-a]

i moved mikayla's bitch ass to @patricidas

[notmorbid]

how to love your daughter.

dialogue prompts from how to love your daughter by hila blum.

i'm going to gobble you up.

you were always bottled up around me.

i was loved. i don't know if i was ever liked.

my voice doesn't always come out at the volume i set it to.

go away. leave me alone.

i understood embarrassment. little girls always do.

i like to look at you.

when i play, i play to win.

____ will be so happy to meet you, when you come back.

i thought i could want this.

i would have found you, no matter what.

who's crying, silly? i'm not crying.

nothing i say seems to faze you.

i didn't shout. it takes energy to shout.

how easily your whole life can turn upside down.

it's not a celebration without sprinkles.

were you adopted from the 19th century?

i always believed you.

you always stood out.

you were present. that was your greatness.

what would i do without you?

i'm sure it wasn't easy for you to tell me.

you changed overnight. right under my nose.

brush your teeth. you're an environmental hazard.

it's okay. you're allowed to feel that way.

i asked you to let it go.

the trick is not to show too much interest in your children's secret lives.

i just missed you, that's all.

you came just in time. i'm giving out free hugs.

i thought about calling. i didn't understand what happened.

that was so dangerous. what were you thinking?

you're more real than anything i can remember.

my perfect petal.

what happened? why are you crying?

i have no idea what i'm about to say until i say it.

memory is a malleable material, meant for art.

why belong to one house, one street? one city or country?

i loved ____ more than anything in this world.

you did all you could.

i like reading about the miseries of happy families.

we're all conundrums to our parents.

life is always a long journey of healing from childhood.

how much do you love your dad?

you slept with ____, that much is obvious.

you're always different, when it's just us.

you can be right and wrong at the same time.

walls remember everything.

thanks for waiting with me. i know you were tired.

how carelessly girls are cornered into being women.

you little intimacy freak.

you're in love with falling in love.

i was afraid i wouldn't love my child.

it's hard to remember who we were.

who do you talk to? who do you tell things to?

i love you. i love us.

i knew what i was doing.

did you find god? have you joined a cult?

forgive yourself.

i don't understand what you're made of.

you're a conundrum, but not to me.

one person in the world loves you more than anything.

i'm waiting for the consequences of my actions.

i don't want you to torment yourself.

whatever you're afraid of telling me, none of it matters anymore.

i'll make us tea.

you won't do anything and you won't say anything.

don't be so quick to believe everything.

people talk. they like talking.

if you want to destroy your life, that's your business.

there's the phone, right there. call the whole world.

don't go stirring up what's over and done with.

you're not the center of the universe. not everything revolves around you.

i only recently managed to escape my youth.

not everyone should have kids.

i'm scared, but i also want this more than anything in the world.

the disease draws the patient in. it's a collaboration.

the possibility is a disease of its own.

do you remember? did that happen?

can you tell me why you're crying?

[manslaught-a]

what if. i finally remade blogs

[itchose]

@manslaught ... 🍃 mikayla isn't the first person she would normally go to with something like this. when she was younger, maybe, but mikayla made it clear a long time ago that the friendship they once had is over — something that hurt, but as she grew up, she learned to understand it, even if the ache of sharing something like that with someone and then immediately losing her never really went away.

none of that really seems to matter anymore after a year stranded in the wilderness, which is why she approaches her now, hesitant in the way she always is with her, specifically. ❝  i know this is really dumb, but could you help me with my hair for a second?  ❞   it’s not the question she really wants to ask.  that,  she’s working up to. mikayla's the only one who can really answer it from both sides: she's a girl who's disappeared on her after kissing her before and she's the girl who's been with shauna before. ❝  like, are these... fucking braids even? ❞ she asks, looking back at mikayla shyly, and it's obvious that's not really what she wants to talk about. she wants to look presentable, as much as she can given their circumstances, but she really wants mikayla's help with something else.

[manslaught-a]

mikayla's spent the last seven years avoiding melissa, shutting her out not because their stupid, childish kiss got her scarred permanently, both emotionally and physically, but because she knew more about mikayla than she ever wanted anyone to— but out here, none of it matters anymore, especially not when everyone already knows the truth about her. melissa's presence no longer fills her with dread, the way it always had before, so she has no real reaction when she's approached by her, looking up from the ax she'd been sharpening for tai.

it's not the first time she's been asked for help with someone's hair, but she squints at her anyway, because she'd never thought melissa actually cared about that. but then, what the fuck does mikayla know, given that she's stayed away from her for so long. "the one on the right could use some work," she says honestly, setting the ax down and straightening up. "do you... want me to fix it?" she asks hesitantly, only because she's not sure if she should even ask the next question on her mind. why do you even care? but she holds back, at least for now, wiping her hands on her jeans, moving over in her seat to give melissa room to join her.

[manslaught-a]

happy birthday mikayla desousa 🥳

[ladyintree]

the way she looks back up at mikayla now is desperate,  a silent pleading for her to not move away,  because she knows she doesn’t get her back like this ever again and she so badly wishes they could just continue.   but she also knows that this has gone far beyond just a simple lesson— that the moment mikayla sat in her lap, it was always going to go farther than that,  and she’s not sure either of them were willing to stop if they weren’t interrupted.  it’s for the best, she keeps repeating to herself in her head, despite how cold she feels the moment mikayla moves away from her,  an obvious frown forming over tai’s features.  her jaw clenches when mikayla gives her a grading, her cheeks even warmer now.  ❝  i told you, i always pass,  ❞    she shoots back in her own attempt at regaining her usual cockiness,  forcing herself to sit up and adjust her own clothing.   she tries not to look back at her as she brings her hand up to check her own hair,  until her question,  and her eyes shoot back over to her.  ❝  oh,  ❞   she says quietly,  eyes meeting hers,  too knowing,  and then she nods.   it’s for the best, she knows.  she needs a moment alone, too —  to at least TRY to recover and collect herself again.   ❝  yeah.  um.  of course.  you can… borrow whatever you need,  ❞   she says,  nodding towards her dresser,  rolling her eyes as she does.  ❝  i mean.  obviously,  ❞   she says, laughing it off,  because mikayla does it all the time and they’re so far beyond the point of asking to share, anyway.    ❝  it'll probably be a while, ❞ she says, freezing as she repeats her words in her head. ❝  i mean, for dinner to be ready, ❞ she clarifies. ❝  so... take your time. ❞

[manslaught-a]

“ in that case, maybe i should've failed you. for like, character growth. ” she couldn't, because mikayla doesn't think she's capable of pretending like that wasn't enjoyable— which she realizes isn't good now that she's likely expected to just brush it all off and act like it didn't matter, as if she's not going to be thinking about it for days at the very least. she squints at her slightly, because she hadn't planned on asking for permission to take anything at all, assuming that she doesn't have to by now. “ obviously, ” she snorts, getting up to look through tai's dresser, tugging at the hem of her shorts in an attempt to make herself feel less uncomfortable, but it doesn't work. “ what happened to the lace you got with me that one time? ” she wonders aloud as she looks for it, but she finds it seconds later, along with a shirt and a pair of sweatpants to wear. “ never mind. found it. ” she lingers awkwardly for a moment longer, almost considering something else, but she decides against it, heading off to the bathroom.

she does take her time, praying that tai doesn't know exactly what she's doing while she's gone, but she tries to act casual when she does get back to the room. mikayla can't help but smirk when she realizes tai's wearing entirely different clothes, assuming she knows why she changed, although she has no plans to call her out on it directly. trying desperately to act normal, she falls back on the bed, brows furrowing as her hands find the sheets, because she could have sworn there was a blanket on the bed before she left. “ i was going to ask if you had to shower, too, but i guess not. ” she rolls onto her side, propping her head in her hand, eyes falling immediately to the mark she'd left on tai's neck. “ shit, ” she mumbles, shifting slightly. “ lesson's not over, actually. i need to show you how to cover that. ”

[ladyintree]

taissa hums as she moves closer,  but she quickly rolls her eyes at her words.   ❝  shut up,  ❞   she mumbles,  her arms wrapping around her to bring her in as she kisses her back hungrily.   her hands run up and down her now bare back,   fingernails lightly scratching the skin,   and then she realizes,  with mikayla shirtless,  she feels like she’s allowed to do the same.   her hands slide away,  moving down to the bottom of her own shirt,   and just as she’s about to bring it over her head,  she hears a knock on the door,  followed by a twist of the handle and surprised “oh,”  from outside the door when it doesn’t open.   she freezes,   bringing her hands back up to mikayla’s shoulder,  holding it there as she listens to her mother continue.   "sorry— is mikayla staying for dinner?”   she asks from outside the door.   tai’s eyes are wide,  and she doesn’t even think about waiting for mikayla’s response.   instead, she blurts something out just to get her to leave.  ❝  y-uh—  yeah,  ❞   she shouts,  eyes locked on the ceiling as she listens to her say what they’re having,  not processing those words at all,  only feeling the dread kick in as she realizes that this,  whatever it was,  is probably over, and she'll never kiss mikayla again. ❝  fuck, ❞ she mumbles, shaking her head as she looks back to mikayla. ❝  i'm sorry. ❞ she wants to laugh it off, she knows that's what she should do, but she can't, the disappointment mixed with that still present desire to be with mikayla written all over her face.

[manslaught-a]

the moment tai starts to lift her shirt, mikayla takes advantage of it, hand moving to the exposed skin, eager to touch more— until the knock on the door. she freezes, glancing over her shoulder at the door, almost like she's waiting for it to be broken open. but she calms down seconds later, remembering that tai's mom isn't mikayla's father, so she has nothing to fear other than the inevitable awkwardness between them that's going to follow. once she's sure that tai's mom has moved away from the door, she looks back down at tai, her face feeling like it's on fire, but she does her best to appear unaffected, trying desperately to find the confidence she had before they started.

“ it's— fine, ” she chokes out, aware of just how disappointed she sounds. for just a moment, she considers just laughing it off and going in for another kiss, until she decides that them being interrupted is probably a sign they should stop, no matter how much she doesn't want to. “ you got an a. like, actually, ” she teases in an attempt to make things less weird as she regrettably rolls off of tai, landing on the bed beside her. to busy herself, she finds her shirt and tugs it back on, sitting up and pushing her hair out of her face. “ is it cool if i, uh— shower? ” she grimaces slightly, embarrassed of the real reason she feels like she has to, even if it's something she's not going to admit to tai at all.

[ladyintree]

her entire body trembles again at the profanity,  a sense of satisfaction watching over her,   like she’s succeeded in exactly what they came here for   (   even if this is so far beyond the plan they crafted.  )   she whines against her chest at mikayla’s demand,  reminding herself that she can trust mikayla more than anyone,   and she’s saying it for a reason.   she does just that,  her fingers just barely tugging the material down to reach a new area,  more desperate now as she feels her hips press to hers.  one of her legs slides under hers,  allowing mikayla’s to fall between hers,  eager to get her closer somehow while her hand on her bottom pulls her down to press to leg.   she focuses on her kisses,  biting harder,  muffled whimpers spilling to her skin before she finally pulls away and lets out a breath.  the hand on her chest slides over the bruise and she finally allows herself to look up to mikayla,  her eyes locking with hers.   ❝  kiss me again. please. ❞   she pleads in a whisper, begging her for this to not be the end.  she knows it can’t go farther,  but she also knows that what she's feeling now can't be one-sided.

[manslaught-a]

mikayla's used to pain, but she's not used to it feeling as good as this, craving more of it in ways she doesn't know how to explain. she wants to give herself to tai completely, but she knows better than that— she can't yet, not when she still has to go home to her father, and definitely not when tai's parents are under the same roof as them. but that doesn't necessarily mean they have to stop yet either, nodding quickly in response to tai's plea in a way that would usually embarrass her, but she can't find it in herself to care right now. to try to make up for it, she leans in closer, a smirk spreading over her face as she pushes her leg between tai's, head tilting slightly. “ you're cute when you say please. ” she lets out a small giggle before she gives in, eagerly kissing her again, not wanting it to end just yet either.

[ladyintree]

at her words,  she bites down on her lip,  trying to muffle a sigh.   if that’s the case,  she has a lot of things to ask of her —  starting with the one thing she’s wished she could ask for almost a decade now:   will you be mine?   ❝  i’m asking,  ❞  she murmurs,  the words coming out a bit more impatient than she meant.   she squirms under her as she kisses down her neck,  fingers tugging at the skin of her back lightly,  hand on her bottom squeezing again because she needs something to hold onto.  her head leans back into her mattress, giving her room,  soft whimpers falling from her lips that eventually come out in the sound of mikayla’s name,  tai’s face immediately warming even more as she realizes what she’s said.  she hasn’t even considered what she’s really asking her:  that she wants evidence,  evidence that only they can know about.  that’s a problem for later.  mikayla told her she needed to relax— that’s exactly what she’s trying to do now.   ❝  i wanted you to,  ❞   she reminds, rejecting her apology.  

but she’s definitely not expecting the same offer back,  her eyes widening even more, completely focused on her as she watches her take her shirt off,  both hands moving to mikayla’s hips and gently sliding up her sides.  she lets out a shaky breath, nodding almost hypnotically.  ❝  practice,  ❞   she replies,  the word almost laughable— the only practice tai wants is for her, anyway.   it’s then that she finally allows herself to look down at mikayla’s body— she’s seen it before, but never like this,  like she’s allowed to look at her and think about her the way she is now.  she gulps, her hands trembling against her slightly as she gently pulls her back down.  ❝  come here,  ❞   she whispers as she does,  one hand sliding over,  resting over her bra just to hold her as she kisses down to that exact spot,  teeth grazing her chest just above the top of her bra,  replicating mikayla’s actions,  afraid to do more than she did,  assuming that it’s still mikayla calling the shots.

[manslaught-a]

she's definitely never gone this far with anyone before, leaving her to feel just as inexperienced as she imagines tai feels, but she hopes she at least seems like she knows what she's doing— it feels right, at least, and she's sure that she's not the only one that feels that way, simply because she can't imagine how tai couldn't. her breath catches in her throat when tai pulls her down, nodding obediently, because while she's not thrilled about the idea of giving up control, she can handle it temporarily if it means they both get something out of it. she breathes out a soft fuck, trying to ignore how embarrassed she feels immediately after, one hand on the mattress beside tai's head, bracing herself while the other buries itself in tai's hair, holding her close. “ harder, ” she demands breathlessly, pressing her hips down against hers. “ i can take it. ” she prefers it, really, wanting to be able to feel tai long after this is over, to have a reminder of it, even in the form of a bruise.

[ladyintree]

she smiles against her lips when she hears the whine from mikayla,  and for a moment,  this doesn’t feel new at all —  it feels like something they’ve done a thousand times because of just how natural it seems.   but at the same time,  it’s just as thrilling,  because it is her first time being with anyone like this,   never giving anyone else the opportunity,  her heart only right here with mikayla.   she nearly breaks the kiss with another gasp as she’s pushed down against the mattress,  her hands more protective against mikayla as she works to ensure she follows her safely,  and when she does,  the hand on her back slides up farther,  the one on her thigh sliding around to the back.  when mikayla moves her hand and breaks from the kiss,  a louder whimper slips from her lips,  one she’s almost embarrassed about— until mikayla tells her not to be shy.  again, she reminds herself she has to be cool about this,  and she is shy,  but she can’t let her think that.   the hand on her bottom squeezes,  pulling her down into her as she lifts her hips to meet her.  ❝ i’m not, ❞   she blurts out breathlessly,  and in an attempt to prove something, she goes on.  ❝  i assumed you liked to bite,  ❞    she taunts in a whisper,  giving her permission to leave a mark.   

[manslaught-a]

she regrets putting the music on at all, wishing she could listen to tai and only tai, though she knows it was for the best, especially when mikayla lets out a moan shortly as tai pulls her against her, her face warming, making her grateful tai can't see her. she gives a soft snort, clearly not believing her, because she knows her— knows she is shy, that she's just as nervous as mikayla, if not more. “ if you wanted me to bite you, all you had to do was ask, ” she teases, but she takes the invitation eagerly, pressing kisses down her neck before letting her teeth graze tai's skin, biting her lightly, afraid of hurting her. she doesn't fully consider what she's doing as she leaves a mark on her neck, finding satisfaction in knowing there's proof this actually happened instead of considering what they're going to have to do to hide it afterwards. “ sorry, ” she mumbles, only half meaning it. “ you can— you can do it back. ” before she could reconsider, she pulls back slightly, just enough to tug her shirt up and over her head, tossing it to the side. “ like— as practice. ”

[ladyintree]

eventually, they’re going to pull away,  and they’re going to have to face each other —  and somehow,  taissa’s going to have to immediately collect her composure so that she doesn’t expose just how much she longs for her,  not just this,  but for once,  she’s allowing herself to live in the moment.  she’s not letting that sense of dread hang over her head, not when she finally gets to kiss mikayla desousa again.  a real kiss this time,  not just a obligatory peck of their lips during a childish game of spin the bottle as a bunch of preteens watch and giggle.  she shivers to her touch, body trembling as it leans into hers. the sound she makes is matched by one of her own, her nails lightly scratching against her skin in response, and it doesn’t take her long at all to follow mikayla’s guidance.  she immediately slides her hand higher,  fingers spread against the skin of her back as it reaches just underneath her crop top.   she doesn’t even think about it as her other hand slides down her waist,  resting against her thigh,  hand squeezing just gently.   in the back of her mind, there’s some taunt she’s waiting to speak, ready to ask mikayla if she passed — but she won’t dare pull away; she only kisses her with even more fervor.

[manslaught-a]

maybe all of this is a mistake. not because mikayla's supposed to be loyal to her boyfriend, especially given that he's the furthest thing from her mind right now, but because she's not sure how they're supposed to go back to normal after this— how she can just have this once and accept it instead of being greedy for more. she doesn't let herself worry about that yet, pressing closer, letting out another whine as she feels tai's nails graze against her skin. mikayla can't help herself, unable to keep from trying to take more, using her grip on tai's shoulder to shove her against the mattress, never breaking the kiss as she follows her down. hand slides away from her shoulder to pull tai's away from her thigh, remembering when tai insisted she put her hands where she wants them. so she does just that, moving tai's hand to her bottom, finally breaking away from her mouth for air, but she doesn't pull back, afraid it might ruin the moment. instead, she kisses along her jaw, stopping when she reaches below her ear. “ don't be shy, ” she mumbles, almost regretting speaking at all when she hears how embarrassingly raspy her voice comes out.

[ladyintree]

for a brief moment,  she considers laughing this off,  being the first one to admit that this was all clearly just a joke and that they’re obviously not going to go there,  just because she’s afraid of the inevitable rejection afterwards.  but in that same moment, she decides that she’d prefer that over not getting to be with her at all,  even if this isn’t real.   it is for taissa,  which is the part that isn’t fair—   but she keeps telling herself that it might make the constant ache in her chest over her feelings for mikayla actually worth something,  at least temporarily.   so she keeps staring back at her,  waiting in an anticipation,  trying so hard not to look desperate for it.  

❝  i— ❞   she starts, stumbling as mikayla grabs her hands.   ❝  — you didn’t give me a chance,  ❞   she reminds,  raising a brow.   she forces herself to keep talking, afraid of how noticeable it is that her hands tremble against her waist.   ❝  i didn’t know if you were actually going to come,  ❞   she admits,  but there’s a hitch to her voice as mikayla sits in her lap,  because while she’d like to claim that mikayla’s predictable and that she knows her well enough,  that’s not what she’s expecting.   she holds her breath,  her gaze giving away just how much affection she holds for her,  head nodding slowly to tell her that she will follow her lead.  and still, even though she knows to expect it now,  she gasps just before their lips touch.  she should listen to her,  follow her lead,  but with mikayla’s lips against hers now,  the confidence she thought she lost resurfaces,  because this feels right no matter how much it shouldn’t feel that way.  her hands grip her waist,  fingers curling against the skin,  and she lightly tugs her closer,  kissing her more eagerly than she thought she would allow herself,  finding it impossible to hold back.

[manslaught-a]

“ i'll always come for you, ” she scoffs, like it's supposed to be obvious. the moment their lips touch, she melts against her, hand sliding down from tai's jaw to her shoulder. without meaning to, she lets out a small whimper against tai's mouth, because this is the first time in six years that she's actually felt something real in reaction to someone's touch. she should know better than to actually do this considering what happened the last time they kissed, but she feels safe now that it's just them. maybe nothing between them can actually happen beyond just this — at least not until mikayla's free — but that's just all the more reason to take advantage of it now. her opposite hand slides down tai's arm, finding her wrist to urge her hand higher, inviting her to put it up her shirt if she wants to, kissing her more desperately.

[ladyintree]

she’s beautiful.  it’s the first thing taissa thinks every time she sees mikayla,  but the feeling is so much more intense as she walks into her room now,  given everything she’s anticipating and questioning  (  mostly:  is she being serious?  are they actually going to do this?  )   part of her expects mikayla to brush it off,  act like it was obviously a joke,   and if that’s the case,  taissa’s ready to play along to save herself the embarrassment,  but she can’t ignore this desperate yearning that is louder than ever as mikayla closes the door behind her.   she wants this.  she tells herself she doesn’t care about the inevitable fallout— when she has to remember that mikayla is not hers, that she’ll never be hers,  because at the end of everything, mikayla is still the person she trusts most in the world,  so she’s not letting this ruin anything,  even if it ends with taissa feeling lonelier than ever.  

her eyes follow her closely,  watching as she takes her jacket off, then turns the boombox on— everything indicating that mikayla knows exactly what she’s doing and isn’t joking.  her jaw clenches,  her heart racing despite not even being close to her yet,  but she feels her stomach drop as soon as mikayla tells her to do something.  she stares at her blankly, mouth opening to speak, but nothing comes out.  she knows what to do.  so she does just as she says,  walking back to her bed,  sitting down perfectly poised despite her nerves,  hands in her lap.   she gulps,  desperately trying to keep her composure as she waits for mikayla to say or do anything else,  but she’s also all too aware that she hasn’t said anything yet,  and she has to at least pretend that she’s totally fine and not freaking out.  ❝  i could’ve, like, picked you up…. ❞   she suggests, as if it would’ve been no big deal.  probably not for mikayla,  she thinks, because tai is falling for her act of feigned confidence.

[manslaught-a]

mikayla can feel her hands starting to tremble, so she just prays pathetically that tai doesn't notice, because she's not supposed to be nervous. this is supposed to be normal for her, but the truth is, she's never even kissed a boy for longer than just a few seconds, always shoving them off, making some excuse to stop. she hardly has much more experience than tai does, but she has to keep pretending otherwise. she smirks when tai listens, considering praising her for it, but she's afraid that's too much too soon— she knows tai's nervous, and she doesn't want to make it any worse.

she steps closer, placing her hand on tai's shoulders, slowly sliding down until she reaches her hands. “ i didn't see you offering, ” she points out, but she's clearly distracted, placing tai's hands on either side of mikayla's waist before she moves into her lap, straddling her. she moves her hand to the side of tai's face, lightly brushing her thumb across her jaw, her gaze dropping to tai's mouth as she leans in closer. “ just follow my lead, ” she whispers, letting out a shaky sigh before she closes the distance between them, kissing her before she could change her mind.

[ladyintree]

she felt like she had all the confidence in the world when she first challenged @manslaught, mostly because she'd underestimated her, assuming that she wouldn't actually take the bait. she shouldn't have; she knows mikayla loves to take a challenge just as much as she does, but now that mikayla's actually on her way over to do just that, she's more nervous than ever, overthinking everything: what she's wearing, how she's done her hair, where she should be sitting when she gets here. the latter is something she's desperately trying to figure out as she paces back and forth through her room, suddenly stopped in her tracks when she hears the front door open. for once, she almost wishes her mom would stop mikayla to ask her a thousand questions about her day before letting her up to tai's room, just to give tai more time to cool down her body that's suddenly hot, but just as quickly, mikayla's opening her door, and tai freezes. awkwardly, tai freezes, lifting a hand to wave, as if she wasn't making her uncharacteristic shyness obvious already. ❝  uh. hi. hey. ❞

[manslaught-a]

it's a miracle that mikayla hadn't talked herself out of this on the way here, refusing to let herself consider every single thing that could go wrong, only focusing on the fact that finally, she has the chance to kiss her again, even if it's only under the ruse of teaching taissa how to kiss. before she opens tai's bedroom door, she takes a deep breath, standing straighter in an attempt to feign more confidence than she actually has before entering, closing and locking the door behind her, tugging on the handle just to make sure it's definitely locked. the corner of her lips twitches into a small, stomach erupting with butterflies at just how cute tai's being right now, but she forces herself to focus. “ hi. ”

mikayla takes off her varsity jacket, tossing it off somewhere to the side, ignoring her nerves as she moves to tai's boombox, turning it on. she doesn't even care what plays, just as long as it's loud enough to cover up the sound of... whatever noises they might make without raising suspicion from tai's parents. running her hand through her hair to push it out of her face, she turns back to tai, pointing to the edge of the bed. “ sit. ”

[ladyintree]

she scoffs,  still unwilling to admit she’s done anything wrong.   ❝  next time i don’t have to talk to him at all,  if that’s what you’d prefer,  ❞    she suggests,  glancing over to her again with a raised brow,  challenging her.    there’s a part of her that knows she should be apologizing;   taissa made her own bed,   she let the love of her life go,  and now she has to face the consequences of that,   of knowing that someone else gets to be the one for her now.   but she can’t accept that, not when this man is clearly not the person for her.   no other woman would be, either, though, because it should be taissa.   she should apologize, because she cares about mikayla and cares that she’s happy, but she can’t,  because it would be empty.  

her brows furrow and she shoots another look back at mikayla.  ❝  what?  ❞   she asks, realizing now that she hadn’t even considered what they would be doing at the beach;  all she was focused on is that they were going together.  that’s all she focused on when she made this promise to her so many years ago, too—  that they could just be here, together, freely.  ❝  so what, you’d just watch me swim? ❞   she asks, letting out a scoff and shaking her head.  ❝  we don’t have to swim at all, you know.   it’s cool if we’re just there.  ❞    she isn’t eager to swim, either.  she’s just ready to be with her.   ❝  we could also find a private area, if you’d prefer.  if…  you were worried about something.   it’s just us.   it’s just…. me, ❞   she says, like that’s supposed to be comforting.   maybe one day, it was.  she knows it’s not anymore—  she just so badly wishes it was.   as she pulls into a spot, she turns to mikayla,  looking over her for a moment.    ❝  i won’t be weird, ❞   she says gently,  but she’s curious,  and she can’t help but ask.  ❝  can i at least ask why?  ❞   she asks,  starting to smile,  a forced-attempt at lighting the mood because she can tell mikayla is nervous about something.  ❝  i mean,  i don’t know anyone who hates being covered up more than you, ❞   she says with a soft laugh, showing she’s only teasing.  

[manslaught-a]

“ okay, no, don't do that. ” mikayla wouldn't mind if she wasn't almost certain that jordan would have something to say about it after, whining about how tai doesn't like him, leaving mikayla in an uncomfortable position, because she doesn't even know how to explain why when she can't understand it herself. she pauses, brows knitting together as she plays everything back in her head. “ actually... i don't think you did talk to him. that's the problem. ” she frowns, because she will probably have to deal with it when she gets home, something she's already not looking forward to.

mikayla doesn't want to explain herself, simply because she feels embarrassed for feeling this way in the first place— she knows she lost the confidence she was once known for, and maybe that's one of the many reasons tai fell out of love with her years ago. she wants more than anything to just be the girl she was, the one who didn't care about her scars, but she can't. a private area isn't even that helpful, because she's just as — if not more — afraid of tai seeing her scarred body as she is everyone else, knowing it's just going to be a reminder of everything wrong with her. “ that was before, ” she says quietly, grimacing as she turns to look out the window, like maybe it'll make this conversation easier. “ the night i— there was glass everywhere. he... dragged me through it, so i'm— ” she stops herself, closing her eyes. “ everyone stares enough at my hands. i don't need them staring at everything else, too. ” mikayla shifts uncomfortably, instinctively pulling the cuffs of her hoodie further down, covering her hands now that she's mentioned them.

[ladyintree]

it’s mostly dark in their room,  aside from the small lamp in the corner that shines a dim purple light across the area.   it gives her enough visibility to look around at the items in her room that have been abandoned for some time now,  and she takes the time now to make a mental note of all the things she should get rid of—  she has to distract herself with something,  because sleep doesn’t feel like an option.  she doesn’t even know how long she’s been sitting here, having slid down some time in the night,  afraid her restlessness would wake her girlfriend.  it’s either restlessness or something worse— paranoia that if she does sleep, what happened with her out there may return, and not only is she afraid of finding out that wasn’t exclusive to those circumstances, but she’s terrified of it ever affecting or hurting mikayla in any way. 

she’s startled when she hears mikayla move,  her head turning back to look at her,  and she’s suddenly too aware of how far she is from her,  now regretting ever leaving her side in the first place.  still, for a moment,  she’s frozen in place,  taking one long look around her room once more before she decides being next to mikayla is still the safest place for her,  even if she doesn’t believe the same for mikayla.   she nods to her words and says nothing as she pushes herself off the floor and slides back into bed,  her arm snaking around mikayla’s waist to urge her to lay back down with her.  she takes a deep breath,  bringing her hand up to gently push mikayla’s hair out of her face.  ❝  sorry,  ❞   she whispers,  her hand sliding down to rest against mikayla’s chest.  ❝  i couldn’t sleep.   i didn’t want to accidentally wake you, so i—  ❞    she realizes that it probably scared mikayla, waking up like that, and she frowns.  ❝  sorry i left you,  ❞    she starts over,  thumb rubbing a circle against the center of her chest.  ❝  i didn’t know if it was okay.  if i did want to wake you, ❞   she says, admitting her first thought.  

[manslaught-a]

as terrified as she'd felt to not have tai next to her when she woke, her own feelings hardly matter to her, her panic already forgotten. all she can care about is whether tai's okay. “ don't apologize, ” she mumbles as she lays back down, her hand moving to rest on tai's waist. now that they're back in each other's arms, her heart rate starts to go back down, letting out a small sigh of relief. mikayla frowns, brows furrowing as her hand moves from her waist to trace along tai's jaw, shaking her head. “ of course it's okay. i want to help. ” even if it means sacrificing her sleep; she'd go days without sleep if she had to, just to make sure tai doesn't feel alone. “ do you— ” she pauses, hesitant, afraid to push. “ do you want to talk about it? it's okay if you don't. ”