Cameron Conaway

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3 common barriers to the examined life

Socrates is often credited with saying, "The unexamined life is not worth living." While many of us strive to live by this quote, there isn't much out there about the barriers that prevent us from examining our lives (let alone strategies for how to help us break through these barriers). Here are 3 common barriers, plus some insight based on what's worked for me: 1. Dogma. It fills up more of our thinking than most of us would like to admit. Whether it's a Bible verse or a mantra from Tony Robbins, it's important to see these as gateways to inner work—not as the inner work itself. Dogma, at its best, serves as a gateway. At its worst, it serves as a crutch. The examined life examines crutches and uses them strategically, not as defaults. 2. Lack of privilege. It takes a certain degree of privilege to have the space necessary to observe how we live. If you're reading this post on Goodreads there's a good chance you have enough to get started. 3. Negativity bias / self-judgement. While examining, it's critical to be aware of and work to break free from negative energies so you can view your life objectively. The alternative is getting stuck in thought patterns that propel you towards questioning and criticizing yourself rather than discovering opportunities for growth. There is a fine line here, and it continues to demand a lot of my energy to remain on the positive side. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 30 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19391481-3-common-barriers-to-the-examined-life

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DMAIC for your mind

I’ve been reading about Six Sigma lately. It’s a set of techniques and tools for optimizing process performance and attaining perfection — defined in this case as no more than 3.4 defects per million opportunities. Think of it as a process for improving process. It’s underpinned by an improvement cycle referred to as DMAIC (Define, Measure, Analyze, Improve, Control). Here’s a glimpse into how it looks: The more I read, the more I wonder about DMAIC’s application for improving our habits of thought, the thinking processes we may want to improve. While contemplative and therapeutic practices are the foundation in this regard, might there be room to embed within those a cycle similar to DMAIC? So few of us get to the Define stage, where we’ve mapped out which parts of our thinking we want to improve. Maybe it’s a recurring negative thought or a recurring thought that adds no value to our life but takes up a significant amount of our mental energy. From there, we could move to Measure. This is where a practice like meditation would be critical as it allows us to watch our thoughts coming in like waves. During a 20-minute meditation, for example, we could measure the times this thought enters our thought-stream. The next step, Analyze, would be about getting to the root cause. Why does this thought capture so much of our attention? This is where working with a trained therapist could be incredibly beneficial. And their influence would be important as well for the Improve phase. Once we’ve discovered the cause, how can we form new mental habits? Control, then, would be about continuing the practice and working to discover other ways of thinking we’d like to improve. The idea needs to be fleshed out more (for example, I don’t think it’d be a healthy thing to refer to our natural habits of thought as “defects”), but it seems there could be some potential for those wanting to improve and optimize their inner worlds. *** Subscribe here to get an email each time there are 5 of my blog posts to read on Goodreads. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 29 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19371142-dmaic-for-your-mind

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Recharge, fellow introverts

Many introverts, self-included, find it hard to communicate their need to recharge. While most extroverts gain energy from social events, for example, most introverts drain energy. Communicating your needs can be challenging, especially when it goes against societal norms which tend to reward extroverts. What’s the way forward? I’ve found it helpful, especially for recurring events or for events that last for days, to let it be known that I'm an introvert. In addition to opening up interesting conversations, it also helps set a bit of an expectation when I'm ready to roll out. Another recharging tip is to focus on micro-charges. In the past, I often refused to recharge unless it meant a full-on recharge up to 100%. I’ve come to learn that small charges matter as well, and they keep your % consistently higher. For example, occasionally taking a 20-minute bath instead of a 10-minute shower can do wonders. Lastly, work to let go of feeling guilt or shame about your need to recharge. This alone can open up new energy reservoirs. *** Subscribe here to get an email each time there are 5 of my blog posts to read on Goodreads. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 28 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19349840-recharge-fellow-introverts

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On Kobe's death and holding complexities

Shook. That’s how I felt when I heard the news. As a basketball fan, I cheered for Kobe (and against him when he played against Scottie Pippen), but, like many, I was inspired more by the mindset that fueled his work ethic, The Mamba Mentality. On efforts ranging from workouts to writing, tapping into this mindset throughout the years allowed me to dig deeper. Even though I knew the details of what happened in Vail, Colorado. How he’d at first lied to police about the alleged rape, then opened up about the details. How, according to the police report, he said:

“I should have done what Shaq does. Shaq gives them money or buys them cars, he has already spent one million dollars.”

Kobe’s death has exposed a disturbing underbelly in our culture: what seems to be our increasing inability to hold complexities. The term “cancel culture” is now frequently used to describe how a culture boycotts or “cancels” a person’s entire career or reputation based on a single action deemed offensive or unpopular. But this doesn’t capture the entirety of what’s going on. More than cancel culture, there seems to be a bend toward black & white culture; it’s characterized by an inability or unwillingness to hold disparate or opposing ideas simultaneously. It’s a culture that sets fire to the gray and comfortably sets up shop at one of the poles. As it relates to Kobe, sympathy and heartbreak poured in from around the world. Thousands shared stories about Kobe’s positive impact on their life. Many others expressed anger, believing the rape case was swept under the rug as our patriarchal society gave yet another male celebrity a pass on an issue involving violence against women. Arguments broke out, and people called each other names and then blocked each other. I couldn’t help but feel I had a bird’s eye view into a #B&Wculture incapable of being inspired and disgusted with parts of Kobe’s life—while maybe even sitting elsewhere on the continuum with some other parts of it. I’m disturbed by the details of the rape case for a variety of reasons, including how the majority quickly rushed to Kobe’s defense and painted the alleged victim as the perpetrator (an act so common many of us fail to see how toxic it is). But I also like how Kobe could drop in a Lord of the Rings reference during an interview, and I saw him as a creative storyteller with the potential to have an award-winning second act in life. I at once wonder about the irreparable harm he may have caused women and what other stories may still come to light, while seeing the potential in Granity Studios, his content company, which seems poised to publish books and other content that inspire groups of kids that are typically underrepresented and not often cast as heroes. It felt… scary to write those two paragraphs above. Scary because embracing the complexity of a human’s life means going outside the tidy box with which many of us want to put most lives other than our own—and that enrages a lot of people. In 1855, Walt Whitman published Leaves of Grass, a work containing this now-famous line:

“Do I contradict myself? / Very well then I contradict myself; / (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”

The multitudes. That’s what drew me to poetry, both to the writing and studying of it. Poetry, to me, is far more about the practice of simultaneously holding disparate, diverse, and even contradictory thoughts as it is about the rhyme schemes many of us learned in high school. Today, as I reflect on Kobe’s death and what his life meant and still means to me, I’m reminded why I believe poetry remains a vital genre. In quick-fix cultures where people not only reduce complex lives to soundbites but quite literally will go to war over those soundbites, poetry offers a gift for those willing to unwrap it: a beautiful opportunity to discover the multitudes contained within ourselves and others. *** Additional reading: -For perhaps the best read you’ll find about Kobe, check out ESPN’s Mamba Out -Jill Filipovic’s thoughtful piece: Kobe Bryant and Complicated Legacies: On the inconvenient women who make matters worse -For more details around the rape case, check out this piece at The Daily Beast. *** Subscribe here to get an email each time there are 5 of my blog posts to read on Goodreads. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 27 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19378168-on-kobe-s-death-and-holding-complexities

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The real challenge of Malaria, Poems

Many readers over the years have asked: What was the most challenging aspect of writing Malaria, Poems? Add-ons to that question typically assume it was researching tropical medicine, or maybe trying to weave science with human stories. The real challenge was in moving from beyond mere recognition of my privilege to figuring out how best to use it in the service of others. This took countless hours of purposeful meditation as a range of questions emerged at various stages of the manuscript. Here are a few among many: 1. I’ve never had to suffer from its impact, so should I be the one writing this book? 2. I’ll be meeting hundreds, potentially thousands of people who have suffered from it. How should I explain what I’m doing and why? 3. How can I leverage my privilege to be an ally in service? Many signals, including these three, informed my decision to move forward: 1. Malaria, as far as I could tell, hadn’t been taken seriously as a literary topic since Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) wrote about it while he was a captain in the U.S. Army during World War II. Yes, I’m sure others had, but I’d convinced myself that a full-length collection completely dedicated to it could be a valuable contribution both to the literary community and to the world. 2. Here I was. I’d received a grant to write it, knew plenty of researchers, and could travel to see its impact. These were all significant privileges, but throwing them away felt far worse than mindfully using them (this was particularly true when I saw the way malaria brutally ravages people and their communities). 3. Poetry mentors, researchers, and community leaders believed I should move the project forward. This was the most important aspect for me, as I'm often slow to make decisions because I want to absorb the perspectives of the smartest people I can find. Many authors will tell you their love of writing books is in large part because of their love of learning. That’s certainly been true in my case. And working on Malaria, Poems, taught me that the challenging and completely unexpected type of learning is the most beneficial. *** Subscribe here to get an email each time there are 5 of my blog posts to read on Goodreads. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 26 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19349794-the-real-challenge-of-malaria-poems

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You are not self-made

A search on Forbes.com for self-made surfaces 2,865 results. A book search here on Goodreads brings up 1,108 results. It’s safe to say we're obsessed with the idea of being “self-made.” Unfortunately (or fortunately), it doesn’t exist. Nobody, not you or me or anybody we collectively know, is self-made. We are part of interconnected webs involving everything from the clean (or not) air we breathe and the people in our networks to the political, economic, and technological systems shaping the world around us. Should you get motivated by people who work hard to achieve success? Of course, if that helps you build your best self and achieve your dreams. Should you outright reject stories suggesting whatever successful people achieved they achieved alone? Yes, unless you're self-made. In which case, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. *** Note: subscribe here to get an email each time there are 5 of my blog posts to read on Goodreads. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 25 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19349811-you-are-not-self-made

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On one uppers

You feel it when it happens. The conversation miraculously transitions from the story you were telling to their better or worse version. Your accomplishment, illness… whatever you were talking about becomes juxtaposed with theirs and, of course, it pales in comparison. My default was to assume malicious intent, so I’d often feel disgusted when the shift happened. Now, I become curious, which to me is a much more interesting place to be than disgust. That’s because there’s another side; not all one uppers are created equal. Many do not have the tools to move conversations forward without shifting it to themselves. They find something relatable in what you said, and they latch on and take it from there. With this insight, it became clear to me that these types of one uppers are generally scared to or are not good at asking questions. The next time you get one-upped, consider the intention. Was it driven by ego or an inability to ask? posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 24 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19349792-on-one-uppers

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Slowing down to wake up

The core of my online poetry class, now 3,500+ students strong, is the concept of slowing down to wake up. It has applications just about everywhere. Consider how it works when we approach that red light we always seem to get. When we slow down and come back to our breath, we can see there’s a far better use of our finite energy on this earth than burning it in the frustration we typically feel in this moment. That’s waking up. The practice remains, I believe, an untapped resource for writers, which is why I built an entire class around it. The most powerful entertainment and technology giants would prefer we keep going fast and remain asleep as we consume their content. The more going fast becomes a habit for us, the more profitable it is for them. As such, I see slowing down to wake up both as a radical act of defiance and as a radical act of self-compassion. *** Note: subscribe here to get an email each time there are 5 of my blog posts to read on Goodreads. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 23 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19349812-slowing-down-to-wake-up

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From lean in to lean on

Regardless of what you thought of the book with the same title, lean in has become part of the corporate lexicon thanks to Sheryl Sandberg. It’s used in all sorts of ways, mostly around leaning in to have important but perhaps discomforting conversations. But those within patriarchal cultures (and therefore part of the often individualistic social outlook it lives by) struggle with what I see as the next step after leaning in. Once ‘in,’ it’s often critical to lean on others. It’s here where trust is formed, new perspectives can move from heard to absorbed, and the power of community begins to manifest. *** Note: subscribe here to get an email each time there are 5 of my blog posts to read on Goodreads. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 22 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19349786-from-lean-in-to-lean-on

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I'm angriest when...

Students over the years have told me that my calmness makes them wonder if I ever get angry and, if so, what makes me the angriest. First, of course I do! See that exclamation mark? Second, though I’m working on transforming the anger I feel around the following topics, they still occasionally get to me. I didn’t want to be too broad and give one-word responses, so here are five specific and recent examples: 1. When a father whose daughter has been raped blames his daughter for “bringing shame to the family” or for some other absurd reason. This is unfortunately still quite common around the world. 2. Religious hypocrisy of various types, most recently around the Catholic Church’s systemic rape and molestation of boys. 3. The denial of white, male, and other forms of privilege. We still struggle as a country to have complex, nuanced discussions on gender and race. In my mind, this is in large part because the privileged refuse to do the inner work necessary to recognize the depth of their privilege. Do the work! It’s worth it! 4. When I want someone to listen, but they won’t. I especially get angry when my listening isn’t reciprocated. The anger here arises because I view listening as a form of respect and, right or wrong, actively not listening as a sign of disrespect. 5. When I see the planet being irreversibly destroyed by powerful corporations for the sake of short-term financial gain. My anger here runs deep as this touches on what I see as a uniquely grotesque form of selfishness. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 21 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19349822-i-m-angriest-when

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The ripple effect of wise speech

Last year, I attended a workshop led by Donald Rothberg about cultivating wise speech. A meditation teacher for over 35 years, Rothberg’s communication style was an embodiment of the lessons he shared. At its core, wise speech is about practicing this vow from Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh: “Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening….” Rothberg shared many insights and practical strategies, including the Four Guidelines for Wise Speech, which have since become a habit (as well as sticky notes posted on the wall above my work computer). They are as follows: 1. Truthfulness 2. Helpfulness 3. Kindness 4. Clear Intention (including good timing, appropriateness, non-distractedness) The key here is more about consistent practice than discovering your take on the word-level meanings (although that is important). Many of my work calls take place via computer-to-computer video conversations. Right before each call, I take a few deep breaths and then spend 10-20 seconds internalizing each guideline. As seemingly insignificant as that sounds, this time allows me to check-in with how I’m feeling—a critical first step to ensuring that my inner suffering (such as unrelated negativity or frustration, for example) doesn’t manifest in some form that causes suffering for the recipient. Wise speech is all about entering into conversations with our best and most authentic intention—which demands feeling our feelings, not faking kindness. Herein lies part of the ripple effect: I didn’t realize how good the practice of wise speech would make me feel as it’s happening. Before developing this practice, I thought wise speech was mostly a way to improve the life of the recipient. The ripple continues from there, as my now outwardly projected inner sense of awareness and well-being is absorbed by the recipient who then (as I’ve been told now on several occasions) extends that energy into their next interaction. It’s a glimpse into what Thich Nhat Hanh refers to as interbeing, a concept describing our interconnectedness. In this case, however, the concept is made small enough to feel real, and practicing it only takes a few minutes each day. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 20 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19342657-the-ripple-effect-of-wise-speech

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What feedback often misses

Feedback is key to both personal and professional development. While there are entire books written on how to give it well, the authors often miss a critical point: it’s essential to provide positive feedback that is specific and coachable. Managers often give feedback in the following order: 1. Here are some great things you did (they are incredibly vague here, saying things like, “you have great energy”). 2. Here are some specific ways you can improve (this is great). 3. Here are more fluffy things without details that you do well. It’s referred to as “the compliment sandwich.” But, as you can see, #2 misses a critical opportunity. Why? Often because of an underlying assumption: the giver assumes the receiver is fully aware of what they do well. It’s important to be specific when giving positive feedback, but it’s also important to coach through it by addressing questions such as: 1. Why was this so important? 2. What makes it unique? 3. Where might there be opportunities to use this strength elsewhere? 4. How can this strength be further developed? If I had to pinpoint one moment that set me on the path to being a writer, it was when Todd Davis, my professor at the time, complimented a move I made in a poem and then through coaching answered the questions above. Truth is, I didn’t know I’d done anything special; I certainly wouldn’t have pointed to that part of the poem as a strength. As a young writer, I’d received plenty of red pen feedback. It was always about weaknesses to shore up, which led me to think that was all that mattered in writing; as long as you continuously work on your weaknesses you’ll be okay. A strengths-based approach to feedback, however, keeps the weaknesses top-of-mind while granting the recipient a chance to develop mastery over their strengths. I believe mastery, rather than blind allegiance to continuously shoring up infinite weaknesses, more often leads to a competitive advantage. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 19 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19342638-what-feedback-often-misses

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The courageous ‘I don't know’

It’s a short phrase with the same amount of syllables as “I love you,” but it hasn’t received the same kind of societal acceptance. Saying “I don’t know” is often seen as a symbol of weakness, and weakness is a trait many of us believe should be masked at all costs. I recently asked a candidate a difficult question, but rather than redirect or make something up, they admitted with equal parts courage and confidence that they did not know. Their humility hung in the air in the brief pause after their words. It was a beautiful gift to receive—a glimpse into their unwillingness to either run away or rely on some collection of widely accepted falsities or unknowables. Each candidate, more or less, brought the same technical skillset to the table, but this candidate will receive an offer. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 18 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19325614-the-courageous-i-don-t-know

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The 2 (or 3) step cure for writer's block

1. Stop referring to it as writer's block. The term speaks to the result, not the cause. It’d be like calling a fall down the steps a broken bone. Having worked with thousands of creative writing students from around the world, I've come to believe that swapping writer's block with curiosity fatigue makes it easier to address (and it's more accurate, so there's that). 2. Figure out why you’re fatigued. A lack of sleep? Juggling too many competing priorities? Relationship stress? Lost the arc of your character's development? Understanding why you're fatigued isn't always necessary, but I've found it to be helpful—especially for writers who have been fatigued for long periods. 3. Reclaim your curiosity. Doing so can take many forms—from not opening your manuscript for a few days and detoxing from coffee (I know, I know) to getting a great night of sleep or visiting an art museum. Taking care of yourself and intentionally getting out of your comfort zone are tried and true ways to reclaim your curiosity. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 17 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19334475-the-2-or-3-step-cure-for-writer-s-block

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Transforming the second arrow

In Buddhist literature, the second arrow refers to the controllable negative states of mind that can arise due to the suffering caused by the more or less uncontrollable first arrow. We've all been caught in the throes of the second arrow. Here are a few personal examples. Try to plug relatable details of your stories into mine. As the featured speaker at an event about masculinity, I made a thoughtless statement that both hurt me immediately after I said it and landed badly with the crowd. I knew better, but the words were now out in the world. There was no going back. That was the first arrow. The second arrow followed swiftly after that in the form of my mind judging my performance as I was performing. Rather than having the presence of mind to acknowledge the mistake publicly and confidently move on, I became trapped in my inner world—at once trying to deliver a riveting speech while fending off a constant internal voice belittling my performance. It was the second arrow, not the first, that rattled me into ultimately underdelivering for my audience. The second arrow also struck when I lost my third mixed martial arts fight. The first arrow, for me, was the loss. I had trained for years and felt the sting of defeat. The second arrow lasted for months as I harshly blamed myself for letting down so many people who had supported me. As with the speaking example, rather than feeling the initial sting of the loss and then pivoting to see it as a learning opportunity and as a chance to show gratitude to my supporters, I turned inward and sunk into a depression as the second arrow of blame and regret grew deeper. If you think about it, there have likely been times in your life when a significant portion of your inner voice was the language of the second arrow. Over time, through meditation and other contemplative practices, we can build a self-awareness strong enough to recognize the second arrow as it's hurtling toward us. The end goal, however, isn't to mask the second arrow or dwell in our self-awareness; it's to nurture our self-awareness so we can move from recognizing the second arrow mid-flight to positively transforming what it becomes. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 16 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19334383-transforming-the-second-arrow

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How we work our ladder

We’re hardwired to judge and quickly make decisions. Today, however, it could be argued that this hardwiring is more of a detriment than a benefit. Too often, we gather questionable data, believe in it because it fits our pre-existing biases, and then seek out additional questionable data that validates this belief. The late Chris Argyris, a former Harvard Business School professor, developed the “ladder of inference” to describe the process of our mental reasoning. It looks like this: While running from predators or assessing the potential for violence of a nearby tribe are no longer priorities for most of us, we’re still prone to walk up and down the ladder far too quickly. This can result not only in miscommunication and broken relationships, but also in the development of increasingly extreme positions—something many of today’s politicians love to exploit. The next time you find yourself judging or “knowing” something too quickly, first thank yourself for recognizing what happened, then ask yourself where you are on the ladder. Note: for a more in-depth read on the ladder of inference, check out The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook: Strategies and Tools for Building a Learning Organization. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 15 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19325635-how-we-work-our-ladder

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4′33″

In 1952, composer John Cage produced 4′33″—a piece four minutes and thirty-three seconds long in which the performer is instructed not to play their instrument. The “music” consists purely of what the listeners hear while it is “performed”—the song of birds, the laughter of people, etc. While silence doesn’t technically exist, the quietest moments in our lives can offer us opportunities to listen to something deeper. 4′33″ was met with some outrage, just as quiet moments often are in societies where noise is normalized and perceived as progress. There’s a truth to this quote often attributed to Mahatma Gandhi:

“Speak only if it improves upon the silence.”

For those who value silence and the importance of listening, this can become a challenging but rewarding endeavor. posted by Cameron Conaway on January, 14 source https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog_posts/19321054-4-33