In the Gaze of a Wolf Twice Starved (Pt. 1)
In the Gaze of a Wolf Twice Starved
Gods. I really have gone soft.
I can’t even remember the last time I was so anxious. Look at yourself, woman. Heart all fluttery, breath short, blood beatin’ in your ears. Shoot, it’s loud enough to almost drown out all these drunken halfwits. I’m a mess. Am I really so desperate just to see this woman? Just to look at a woman I’ve got no business fantasizin’ about anyhow. So stupid.
You’ve gotten yellow, Weak. Spineless.
Ugh…. Alright, come on now. Enough lollygaggin’, damn it. You’re a worker. You’re doing a job. Take a breath. Do your job. One foot in front of the other, yeah? Yeah. Good…. And I suppose I’m havin’ to reassure myself just to walk up a flight of stairs and deliver a pot of water and a hot rag, so that’s real good. Where’d all this damn desperation come from? Almost makes me miss being young and shameless again. Or maybe not almost. I certainly would like my youth back. Enough of it at least that my knees wouldn’t protest me every time I got up the gall to brave these damn stairs. And to think it’s supposed to get worse by the time I’m a proper old crone. Shit. The shamelessness, though? Naw. That’s a different story.
It’d make this next minute or so a cakewalk for sure, but the trouble that comes with it? Naw, I’m more than happy to leave my home-wreckin’ days behind me. I’d take a few rusted joints over all that mess any day. Bein’ soft ain’t too bad. I don’t think I ever stopped to realize how stressed I was all the time then. And I’m far much happier rackin’ up fewer regrets. Gods, how long has it been now? Thirteen years or that? And I can still recall that night like it was yesterday. That look Corina shot me. Biggest of all my regrets, that night. Stupid of me that I didn’t realize just how big a piece of me she had before she took it away. And the fear. Hoo-wee. I was damn scared, too. And even after all this time I can’t pin down what it was I was so afraid of. She was always unpredictable, but not so wild as to kill me right then and there. I don’t think, anyway. Must’ve just been the kind of power she held over me. Over everybody.
Dangerous woman, that one, to have the wherewithal to even think she could tame me back then. And that’s sayin’ nothin’ of the fact that she did. Hells. Whatever charms she had on me were more thorough than they got any business bein’. Look at you. Still thinkin’ of her all this time later. It’d take nothing short of Tymora’s personal blessin’ to get another shot at a woman like that. I ain’t got that kind of luck and I got sense enough to know I don’t deserve one. Better to count the blessings ya got. Stability. Community. Peace. In truth, I’d probably be either behind bars again or fighting for scraps enough to survive a few weeks more had I not bungled that all up. But… it’s hard not to think maybe I’d be with her still. In bed. Drunk in love with the feel of her skin and the scent of that jasmine perfume she always wore.
I’d never made the connection ‘till just now, but I guess I got that from her, didn’t it? Funny. Must mean her charms are still at work. I may just never escape her, eh? Haunting. And somehow I still dread that less than knockin’ on this here door. Shit….
I hope I ain’t been standing here too long. And I wish my stomach would stop tyin’ itself up in knots at that. You’re hopeless, Tziga, y’know that?
You’re pathetic. This is an opportunity. So take it.
Focus up, woman. She’s just a guest, alright? A customer. So quit your pussy footin’ around. Put down the water, knock, we’ll be serving dinner soon. That simple. Put down the water, knock, we’ll be serving dinner soon.
“We’ll be serving dinner soon. Got your hot water and rag.”
Nothin’. Again. What’s that, four days in a row now? Ain’t like she do too much all day but come down for dinner and walk about town when the mood takes her, but even this is strange. Real strange.
Suspicious. It’s suspicious. He could have hurt her.
Or she could just be under the weather or she don’t want to be bothered none. Don’t make crazy assumptions, old girl. You know good and well that Julian wouldn’t do a thing to harm that woman. Ain’t no point getting’ all worked up just ‘cause you wanna see her. It’s another blessin’, if anythin’. You get to make it away without makin’ a damn fool out of yourself. You ought to just leave the water and the rag next to the door again, but…. well, there could be something wrong. And it may be irresponsible for me to just carry on if I feel that way, right? And… ugh. No. No. I’m just tryin’ to find any justification to act up. It ain’t like I have any reason to honestly think that way. You love sick puppy, you. Get yourself on up out of here, yeah?
… One of them just fell off the pillar. Again.Idiots. All the better, I guess. They’re easier to deal with then whatever trance I got myself worked up in.
Shoot. I think my heart skipped a beat. I didn’t even hear her movin’. Didn’t hear the door, didn’t hear nothin’. Ain’t as sharp as I used to be. Not like her. She looks sharp as a dagger right about now.
“Uhm… yeah, could you just bring it in? Please? It’s kind of heavy for me.”
Shoot. I’m glad she ain’t cuttin’ her eyes at me like that. I need my blood right where it is. She got my heart poundin’ again, even now. Different than what Corina did to me, but familiar. Different than anything anybody’s made me feel. It’s gotta be the stuff that gets artists paintin’ and poets writin’ I think. Things they go nutty tryin’ to capture. Somethin’ I sure as shit ain’t got the words for. I still can’t figure out what it is about her. Pretty little thing as she is, she ain’t nowhere near the full. I always preferred full. Must be deeper than her looks. And I been around enough tieflings to know it ain’t just some perverted curiosity neither. Naw, she’s got somethin’ more. Somethin’ like what Corina had, but different. Somethin’ you can’t see or touch that tames people. Reigns them in.
Like me. Maybe like that bear-ape man of hers, too. Whatever it is, I just pray it didn’t let her catch the crack in my composure. Don’t think I gotta worry too much about that, though. She don’t seem to be payin’ me much mind. Looks a hundred miles away to me. Somethin’s wrong.
Strange hearin’ that real curt sort of city talk comin’ out of her. Sharp. To the point. Harsh to be comin’ from such a delicate-lookin’ woman like her. Even more so now that she’s rounded out a bit. Glad our food’s doin’ its work. Her cheeks have filled out real nice over the months. Her hips, too.
Tragic. Her chest ought to get more of that.
Temerity. What makes a woman choose that to define herself, I wonder? Of all the virtue names you could choose. Temerity. Must’ve lived a hard life. She carries herself like she’s my age. And how she fits all that fierceness into that tiny little frame of hers is anybody’s guess. She got baggage, no doubt. The type of bumps and bruises that don’t show up on the skin. Reminds me of me when I was younger in some ways. That learned caution and awareness that’s got her keepin’ that door between us like a shield. Like she’d happily bust me with it if I made a wrong move.
I still got my bet on prostitute. Former prostitute, anyway. Whenever she gets to singin’ late at night that Julian of hers is howlin’ right alongside her. She definitely ain’t doin’ no business with the other guests. But she don’t strike me as no domestic type neither. Or a romantic, for that matter. I guess it ain’t really my business. I hardly know nothin’ ‘bout the woman anyhow.
“We got oyster talyth laid out downstairs. It’s goin’ fast,so you’ll have to be quick if you want any.” Though some fool probably just broke his arm, so that’s one less person to compete with.
“I think I’ll just stay up here.”
“Onion soup and vedbread for dinner tonight. Should be plenty to go around.”
“Glenys found some spare time, too. So there’s molasses nutbread if you’re in the mood for somethin’ sweet.”
Hoo, boy. I can’t get out of here fast enough. Whatever this is, it’s got the hair on the back of my neck standin’ up. Coiled up like a spring, she is. Ready and waitin’ to strike. And I ain’t about to stick around and let it find a reason to strike me. No, ma’am.
So comfortable acceptin’ defeat these days. Coward.
Funny to be defeated by that pixie of a woman. Shoot, she hardly comes up to my shoulders and my shoulders were all tense. Like I walked into a lion’s den and a dragon done walked in instead. Dangerous woman. I fear for that man of hers when he gets back. This might be the only time I can say I don’t envy him.
I’m almost grateful to be back in the main hall. And look at that. Just as predicted. Hopefully he learns somethin’ after manglin’ up his arm like that. Fat chance. Seems like Ahriel’s takin’ fine enough care of him for now. I don’t know how that girl does it with all this racket. Never knew too much about the magicks myself, but it can’t be easy gettin’ an arm bendin’ back the right way with all this hootin’ and hollerin’. She got more patience than I could muster. I’d have knocked that boy out for all that squirmin’ if I were her. Mercenaries ain’t built like they used to be. Ought to take her place in the kitchen while she’s busy here.
“Hold a moment, would you?”
“If I’m not intruding, I wanted to extend my personal thanks to yourself and your fellows for putting food and ale in the bellies of my men. Might I have your name, love?”
“Tziga. My, my. An artful name, carved from marble for display in the art halls of Neverwinter. That’s marvelous. What an astounding thing it is to come across a creature such as yourself in such a modest environment.”
Please. If I was twenty years younger, maybe. But even then I knew an empty compliment when I heard it. It don’t help that his breath reeks like piss. And he’s clung to my wrist like a starving dog.
“Well, Tziga, my name is Dhaven Vesker of the Crimson Hawks. Second Commander of Third Company. Swordsman, strategist, and soon-to-be renowned general.”
Second of Third. I’m sure he finds that mighty impressive.
“Now it’s come to my attention that this establishment of yours seconds as a shrine to Tymora, yes? I’ve never been a very pious man myself, but as we are all on our way to lend our blades to the Order of the Gauntlet and I’m admittedly unsure of what sorts of oaths we may be put under I feel taken by the feeling that a favorable wind blows my way. So, should you be amicable…”
Oh, yes please. Closer. What a privilege it is, gettin’ to smell your whole trip up to now.
“… I would very much like to explore the full depth of your... hospitality.”
On second thought, break his jaw.
Boy, I don’t know where you think that hand of yours is headed. Nowhere productive if a long, healthy life is in your plans. Sad state of affairs that his boys seem to think he really said somethin’.
“Ya’ll read, don’t ya? The sign says ‘No Dogs Allowed”. So either put this thing out or get in on a leash.”
Laughter. Good. They got a sense of humor. Damn good thing, that. I really ought to keep that old bravado in check. I usually do. Must be agitated. But why? I didn’t never let what nobody thought of me affect me before. Then again, that only happened so often ‘fore word got ‘round about the fools who talked to me sideways gettin’ their faces caved in for it. Or cut if Corina was around. Guess I can’t just go shuttin’ people up when they tick me off like that no more. I don’t think I much mind that, but I would like if men would stop treatin’ me like I’m easy.
Feels like these are the only types that’ve come my way over the last year; Pushy little boys who get to feelin’ themselves and, for one reason or another, think I’m desperate enough for a lay to be the one to come along and teach ‘em their asses from their pricks. I’m a grown woman, damn it. I ain’t got that kind of time. I am getting older, though, and I don’t much like the prospect of spendin’ my late years all on my lonesome. Don’t much care for the prospect of bein’ in the pocket of some dumb little boy neither, but who knows when or if somethin’ better may come along.
Beggars can’t be choosers. Better take what you can.
Alright, now. Let’s not be dramatic. Plenty of folk come and go around here. There’ll be a chance. Just not tonight. And certainly not with her. So behave yourself, would you?
“How’s our favorite guest?”
That ain’t the tone anybody wants to hear two steps into the kitchen. She’s got her face all scrunched up in that smirk of hers too, the old crone. She’s in the mood to be a bother and I’m stuck choppin’ mushrooms with her until Ahriel gets back.
“Still pretty or are we gon’ have to teach that boy Julian a lesson?”
Prettier if anythin’. “Still pretty, ma’am.”
“She gon’ be joinin’ us for dinner?”
“Huh. That’s too bad. She don’t like us no more?”
“Didn’t think to ask, ma’am.”
“Nothin’ to be done about it, I suppose. It just don’t seem right to me, stayin’ all cooped up like that all the time. She ought to be more sociable with the people takin’ care of her, I’d think.”
“Maybe tonight, but it ain’t like we got rowdy boys like them every day. People around here know to mind their manners. She’d do good to meet a few folks. Suppose that’s what it’s like in the city. Oh well. Far be it from me to tell a grown woman how to live her life.”
As much as you’d like to.
“Best leave it alone. Anyhow, them boys ain’t makin’ themselves too much of a nuisance?”
“You sure? Sounded like you was givin’ ‘em a tongue-lashing.”
“Anybody else and I might just agree with you. You been here what, nearly a year now? And I ain’t never seen you snap like that on nobody. So? What’s eatin’ you?”
“I know you’re fine. But something’s botherin’ you.”
“Nothin’ I want to talk about, Glenys.”
“Just listen, then. It ain’t like I don’t already know.”
Pitti and Von aren’t gonna help me here, are they?. Please save me, Ahriel. “Ma’am, I really don-.”
“You know, you’re pretty cooped up yourself. You hardly go nowhere or do nothin’ and if you ain’t workin’ you’re on your own. Now I can’t tell you nothin’ about orcs, so I won’t. But I know whether we’re talkin’ that part of you or your human part, ain’t nobody get on well without havin’ others close. And the fact that you got no family and you ain’t really made no friends got me thinkin’ you been deprivin’ yourself. Couldn’t say why, but you are. And the cravin’ don’t go nowhere, do it? So, far as I’m concerned, it’s only natural that when some pretty little thing comes walkin’ up in here you might start fixin’ to stir up a whole mess of trou-”
Can’t say I’ve ever been happier to hear that squeaky old door hinge. “I gotta tend the bar, ma’am.” A new battle on every front. Let me get a breath, woman. Damn.
If there’s one thing I hope don’t rub off on me in my old age it’s all that damn gossip. It seems like old folks always got it in their heads that they’re entitled to stick their noses in everybody’s business. All just to lecture you over what they think they know about you. Like somehow they think they can open you up like a book and tell you about yourself. Please. People are entitled to keep whatever they want to themselves, far as I’m concerned. And I thought we were all on the same page. I ought to whup Pitti and Von later, hangin’ me out to dry like that. I’ve always had their backs when she starts goin’ off on them. When they didn’t deserve it, anyhow.
When… when they didn’t deserve it….
Shoot. She’s right, ain’t she? Damn it. Is that what I been doin’? Deprivin’ myself? I guess I do be keepin’ myself busy. Even when I got nothin’ I need to be doin’. But that’s just right, ain’t it? Doing good by the people who do good by you. It’s bein’ hospitable. But is that really what I’m doin’? Could be I’m excusin’ myself. Or maybe I’m just... comfortable? Doing what’s easy. Shoot, maybe I’m just givin’ myself a new set of bars to live behind. Ain’t like it’s doin’ me a lick of good. I would like to have somebody before I get too old. I’d like somebody to have me. And I ain’t been doin’ nothin’ to get after that for damn near a year now. Ugh. And that’s prolly why I haven’t been able get that Temerity off my mind. I hate to admit it, but that old battleaxe may have a point.
Shoot. Is it that time already? “Julian.”
“Smells good. Vedbread tonight?”
“Onion soup, too. And molasses nutbread if you want somethin’ sweet.” I feel like I rediscover how tall Julian is every time I see him. Makes me wonder how folks feel bein’ around me. I sure ain’t used to feelin’ small.
“Sounds good. We always appreciate you, you know.”
“You smell nice too. What is that?”
“Violet, agarwood, and somethin’ else I don’t remember.”
“Mhm.” He’s stallin’. He must know he’s in hot water, else he’d be long gone already. Poor thing. I can hardly believe how a man like him, built like an ox and just as strong by the looks of it, can look so much like a puppy left out in the rain. Whole room got real cautious when he walked in, too. Funny. Gentle as a mouse, this one. Him and Temerity make for a strange couple. Messes of contradiction, both of ‘em. Even more so as a pair.
“Have you seen Temerity? Is she okay? Has she come out at all?”
“….” Never seen him deflate like that.
“Okay. I’ll check on her and get cleaned up. Tell Glyneth I said thank you for cooking.”
Hope them ain’t famous last words. “Tell her yourself when you come down.”
He got more of them merc boys’ eyes than I did coming through. Sizin’ him up, no doubt. Best they don’t stir up no trouble. Even I could prolly still fold half these fools, but an angry Julian? I don’t want no part of that. Can’t say I blame ‘em for thinkin’ about it, though. I still remember thinkin’ how I might take him down if he turned out to be trouble. How wrong I was. Makes you wonder how a sweetheart like him gets a body like that.
All that muscle and them scars. Ain’t no farmer muscle, neither. Too sculpted to be just for workin’. And it ain’t no average person that’s got tattoos like that. Warnings. Not just fashion. The sort of thing I just might’ve been drooling over once upon a time. Now that I’m thinkin’ about it, he’s much more my type of man than Temerity is my type of woman. Maybe my tastes are changin’. Or maybe men just don’t quite spark that sort of passion in me. Can’t say I remember it ever happenin’ before. It’s too bad. I wouldn’t mind being tended to by some man as I get older. Kinda hard to picture, though. I must be too used to providin’ for myself. Go figure.
“Excuse me, ma’am. I’d like another round if you’d be so kind.”
Ah. Mild-mannered merc boy. But of course, you polite young man. I’d be more than happy to oblige you, sweetheart.
“I also wanted to apologize on behalf of the Commander. He can be belligerent when he’s drunk. We haven’t had drink like this in nearly thirty days, so he may be overdoing it a tad.”
“You’re right. I didn’t. But that may be worth apologizing for as well. I just don’t want you to be under the impression that you’re housing a band of senseless brutes. That’s all.”
“Ya’ll got coin, we got beds. Wouldn’t much matter if you’re polite or not.”
“That’s prudent of you. Do you not prefer when your guests show some decorum?”
“Just given up on trying to enforce it?”
“You’re a woman of few words, aren’t you?”
“My mouth gets me in trouble.”
“I see. That’s unfortunate. You seem like a fascinating woman.”
“What gives you that impression?”
“The way you carry yourself, mostly. The tattoos, too. You come off… worldly, I suppose.”
“Worldly. That’s a new one.”
“That’s what I said, ain’t it?”
“Then yes. It’s a new one.”
“It sounds like you don’t get compliments often.”
“Only from little boys who don’t know no better.”
“Well, they say there’s a first time for everything. Because I can assure you, I’m no boy and I’ve got more than just compliments. I think together, the two of us could make some beautiful poetry together.”
…. “I think you ought to take a few cues from me.”
“Anything in particular?”
“To mind your mouth ‘fore it gets your ass in trouble.”
“My mouth was made for trouble, I’m afraid.”
“Boy, if you don’t get your ass on-”
“I DON’T BELONG TO YOU, JULIAN! NOT YOU, AND NOT ANYBODY! DO YOU GET THAT?! YOU THINK I LIKE JUST SITTING AROUND ALL DAY WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME?! YOU THINK I DON’T HAVE THINGS THAT I WANT?! DO YOU EVEN CARE?! YOU THINK I CAME ALL THIS WAY JUST SO I COULD BE AN ORNAMENT IN YOUR PERFECT LITTLE FUCKING DREAM LIFE?! ARE YOU STUPID?! I DON’T NEED YOU! I WOULD BE JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU! BUT YOU! WITHOUT ME, YOU WOULD BE FUCKING NOTHING!”
Breathe, woman. Shit. That must be what them authors be talkin’ about with their blood runnin’ cold. Poor thing. The walls are thin around here, but damn was she hollerin’. That man may not survive the night.
And here she comes. Cuttin’ right through them boys, too. Like a hot knife through butter. Glad they got sense enough to keep their mouths shut ‘till she’s on her way. Not that that’s much credit to ‘em. Just means they got the sense not to play with an angry viper. Dangerous woman.
“Augh!” I know damn well this woman did not just snap that towel on the back of my head! She done caught the back of my ear, too! Shit! “Damn it, woman! Why the hells you whuppin’ on me for?!”
“’Cause I done called you three times and you ain’t hear me!”
“I ain’t but five feet away from that damn window! You ain’t called nothin’!”
“I did! You just got your head in the clouds.”
“Oh, quit yer fussin’’. You ready to listen or not?”
“We’re nearly done back here. Go on. Take your smoke before we get servin’.”
“What are you on about, woman? I smoke after we serve.”
“And today you smoke right now.”
“That don’t make no sense.”
“It don’t gotta make sense. It’s what I’m tellin’ you. Now gimme your pipe.”
Unbelievable, this woman! First she wants to lecture me like I’m some unruly teenager, now she wants to smack me around. Got the back of my head burnin’ like I got lit up by that tinder bundle of hers. You hag. If you were anybody else I’d yank your ass right out that window.
“Ahriel can tend the bar until you’re done. Now go on.”
“You’re a sadistic old witch. Ain’t no reason for all that mess. None.”
“It don’t sound like it to me.”
“I’m gittin’!”
Always needin’ the last word, the salty old bat. Fine. You need this victory so bad? Take it you coot. I don’t know where she gets off testin’ me like that. Like she ain’t got nothin’ better to do. Just gossip and instigatin’ shit. I swear, whatever it takes to make sure of it, I ain’t never gonna grow to be such a miserable old bitch as her. What sense is there in me smellin’ like smoke before I serve up food? Don’t make a damn lick of….
“Look, I’m sure you heard plenty of that, okay? I appreciate what you all do and everything, but I don’t need your help. Alright?”
Shit. That sly old fox. She delegated me. And she made sure to get me all heated so I’d forget to protest, too. I can’t stand her. Why me of all people, anyhow? I feel like anybody back in that kitchen would be better for this than me. Pitti’s got siblings, don’t he? Von’s always been a people person. Ahriel is… alright, Ahriel’s maybe the only one less equipped for this than I am. But this sort of thing is meant to be handled by the elderly, ain’t it? Gods, what a mess.
Look at her, too. All that shakin’ and tail flickin’. Where she even got the room to keep that kind of fury? And what do I even say? I ain’t never had a fight like that before. Maybe… maybe she smokes?
Was worth a try. Damn it. I’m lost here. I’d like to help, but I feel like anythin’ I say will just make it worse. I mean, she already done told me to get lost before I even said a word. All that, that was… a lot. She’s volatile.
This really ain’t even my business no how. And with this pipeweed kickin’ in, I’m liable to say somethin’ I regret. Best just keep my trap shut. And quit starin’. I could just take up space for now, I think. She don’t gotta say nothin’ if she don’t want to, I ain’t gotta get myself in no trouble, and at least she won’t be alone. That enough, right? That’s what I would want. That’s what Corina would’ve did. Too bad she ain’t here. She’d know exactly what to do.
“Gods damn it…. I…. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
I guess now this is my business. Shoot. “… What are you doin’?”
Ain’t no humor in that chuckle. “… I’m… leaving behind my whole life. Again. All for some guy I barely know who, for some reason, I thought was gonna… I don’t know. Save me? Like I needed him for that. I had a place to stay and I had work and I had friends and I had a plan and now I’m in a whole new place and I sit around all day reading and rereading the same three books. And I’m bored and I’m confused and I’m so fucking frustrated all the time. And I’m sick of it. I don’t know how I let myself get swept up in this.”
Vulnerable. Yours for the takin’. So take her.
“In him! It’s like I duped myself into thinking I was in love with him just because he was, what? Sweet? The bare fucking minimum?! It’s so stupid! And now I’m miles away from anything and anybody I know and it’s the same shit every day. I barely even get to be with him and it seems like all he’s good for is fucking me good every now and then, and he wouldn’t even be worth a damn at that if it weren’t for me. I didn’t sign up to be a piece of furniture he warms his cock in every so often.”
Glenys, you really threw me to the wolves on this one. That is a lot. I’m out of my depth here.
This is an opportunity. Take it.
“It just feels like I’m along for the ride. Like what I want doesn’t matter.”
“… And what do you want?”
“I don’t know. Not this. I guess… I guess I don’t really know what I want anymore. I just feel stuck.”
Damn…. Stuck, huh? I ain’t got too much for stuck. I always forced my way out of stuck ‘till I couldn’t no more. Wouldn’t be no good to tell her to do what I did. So what do I say, then. Shoot. Do I even have an angle here? I’m stumped. That seems to be happenin’ an awful lot more these days. Breakin’ all your problems is just easier, I guess. This must be some kind of comeuppance.
She hit him? Guess that would take some temerity. “What he do?”
“He yelled at me. He’s never yelled at me. It made me mad, so….”
“…. What he do about it?”
“Nothing. He just crumbled and looked at me I was an actual devil.”
“…. Did he deserve it?”
“….”
“I don’t know. I mean, we started arguing when he came in and I got scared and angry. So I slapped him. And I screamed at him.”
But he didn’t start it, I bet. She was ready for a fight long before he got back. She would’ve fought me if I’d stuck around too long. I gotta figure out what to do here.
Jump on the moment. This could be your only chance.
Make her yours before she knows what hit her.
Ugh…. I’m disgusted I’m even thnkin’ about it. But I ain’t doin’ none of that. Get yourself together, woman. Alright? This woman needs a helpin’ hand and you’re her elder. She’s puttin’ her trust in you by talkin’ at all. So think. She’s upset and she’s prolly in the wrong and she prolly knows that, too. But she needs somebody to get her there and you’re the only one here. So be delicate and don’t accuse her of nothin’. Just let her get where she needs to go.
“You talk to him? ‘Bout how you feel?”
‘I… I mean... No. Not really. But nobody wants to just sit around doing nothing all the time, right? Isn’t it obvious?”
“Is it?”
“Yeah. I think…. Probably….”
“No, but... that’s not really the point. I feel like a doll more than I feel like his fiancé.”
“And what makes you feel that way?”
“Okay, you know what? Is there a reason you’re drilling me right now? Do you have a point to make here?”
One last drag. Could be my last. “Mind if I tell you what I see?”
Deep breath. “… I see two people who showed up on our doorstep lookin’ like they’d been through the Hells and back together and were ready to start somethin’ new. And they were glowin’ with hope because of it. I see a man who, despite what mistakes he may have made before, made a commitment to securin’ a future for the two of you and I see him beat the sun out of bed every mornin’ and make the decision to stick to that same commitment every day. I see him eat the same breakfast and walk out that door and come back covered in dust and sweat and the moment he comes back every evenin’ he still runs straight up them stairs ‘cause there ain’t a thing that man wants more than to be with you.”
“So, what? I should just fucking worship him? ‘Cause he’s so damn perfect?”
“I didn’t say all that. But I ain’t finished. ‘Cause I see you, too.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m sayin’ I see you.”
“I don’t really care what you think you see. You don’t know shit about me.”
Tch. I guess I’m the one doin’ the lecturin’ now. “You’re right. I don’t. But I can still see. And I know I only see you when you need food or somethin’ to drink. And I see that you hardly do nothin’ when he ain’t around. And I see you wearin’ a new dress while he’s still in the same rags ya’ll got here in. And I see that he’s still got that same glow I talked about. But it’s dimmed for you, ain’t it?”
Alright. The fire behind them amber eyes of hers died down a bit. We’re gettin’ somewhere. Damn, is she pretty in this dusk light. Especially when she ain’t tryin’ to kill me dead dead with a look. Like a chunk of sapphire. “Listen, I ain’t claimin’ to know nothin’ ‘bout nothin’. But it seems to me like you got yourself a damn good man up there. And he’s tryin’. Damn, is he tryin’. Maybe you feel neglected or scared and that’s alright. And you ought to tell him. But even though I been drillin’ you like you said, you still can’t tell me what the man did. Seems to me he listens to you. Tends to you. He tries to make sure you’re comfortable. Shit, men don’t learn nothin’ they don’t want to, so if you managed to bedroom train him then don’t that show that he cares how you feel?”
There we go. A real laugh. That’s nice. Her laugh is real nice. “Look, I’m just afraid for you that you may be ruinin’ a good thing for no good reason. Or just ‘cause it’s hard. I did that once. Never stopped regretting it, neither. And if I’m wrong then you ain’t gotta mind nothin’ I say. I’m just tryin’ to help if I can. But, let me tell you, when I see that man of yours I see a man capable of so, so much and he’s puttin’ all he’s got into providin’ for you and makin’ a life for the two of you.”
“… Yeah. I know. And it is hard, but… I don’t know. I don’t know why it’s hard. It’s not like I really have to do anything. I guess it feels like I’m just waiting for something to go wrong. Y’know, for him to not be the same guy one of these days. I don’t know…. Fuck. Am I an idiot?”
“We all are. You just get better at maintainin’ it.”
“Yeah, sure…. Sorry, uhm. Can I hit that?”
…. Damn. She’s got some lungs on her. Can’t be her first time.
“… I guess I spent so much time thinking about what could go wrong that I freaked myself out. And I may have just ruined everything.”
“I don’t think so. That man’s obsessed with you, you know.”
“You will have to apologize to him, though.”
“Fu-uck…. That’s gonna suck. What am I supposed to say?”
“Naw, I mean it. In the moment, when you’re in it, you’ll know. You ain’t gotta plan everythin’. Sometimes you just gotta follow the feelin'. You said so yourself. You did what you did ‘cause you spent too much time in your head. Next time try listenin’ to what’s in your gut.”
“Fuck. I swear, all you country bumpkins think you’re poets or something…. But you could be right.”
“I am right. I try not to say nothin’ ‘less I’m sure of it.”
“You sure that’s not just the pipeweed?”
“Good. Then I’ll know who to complain to when things go tits up.”
“Mhm. Now come on. We got dinner to serve soon and there’s prolly still work to do.”
“We?”
“You said you was bored and that sittin’ around gotcha thinkin’ too hard. So come on. Stick with me for now and if these boys say somethin’ sideways to ya, I’ll put ‘em in their place.”
“I’ve… I’ve never done anything in a kitchen.”
“Good. Then you’ll learn somethin’ too. And you can start puttin’ away some coin for yourself, too.”
“… And it’ll give you time to calm your nerves before goin’ up and talkin’ to Julian.”
“… Yeah…. Yeah, alright.”
“Good. Now come on.” Suppose that’s my good deed for the day. Way to keep a leash on it, old girl. If only barely. Shoot, I really ought to do somethin’ about that. Deprivin’ myself….
Maybe I ought to take up on o’ them merc boys after all.
pixelskylines
discoholicmusic
andulkaphoto
