We talk a lot about Shaneās closet. The flat color of the paint on the walls. Its contents are piled high, hangers filled and shelves packed, but itās also organized, everything in its place. Everything perfect, if only everyone else would follow his plan, he can find a way out of it that wonāt make anything fall.
But what about Ilyaās closet?
Ilya views his sexuality positively, but practically. He is attracted to men, and thereās nothing wrong with that, but letās be serious. Itās a treat. Something you do to indulge. A vacation from the path that he must walk. I donāt believe one single article of Ilyaās being thought he would end up with a man until it was too late. He already loved one. Oops.
He hasnāt built an elaborate closet organizational system like Shane, he simple aborts the possibility before it forms. My coachās son, nothing serious. Itās just a plan to fuck. We get together, we fuck, itās simple. Even at the cottage: Hollander! Itās not a big deal!
I believe Ilya saw his life as inevitable, rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, like Shane, where thereās effort to hide. To Ilya, itās simple. Ilya would marry a woman, maybe Svetlana, maybe someone else who he likes and gets along with. Women are fantastic, he prefers them, canonically, or at least acknowledges that itās easier to prefer them. Have children, he loves kids! No problem. His life is not going to rock the boat, so what does it matter if he fucks a few men now? What does it matter if Shane Hollander stays the night and Ilya makes him a tuna melt and says his name tenderly because he wants to? None of this is real. None of this is the inevitable life that will be his. Is his.
You can contrast this to Ilyaās relationship to hockey, which I think, like Shane, he thought would be the pillar of his life. It would be his actual legacy. Where he made an impact for himself and others.
I think Ilyaās relationship to his bisexuality is tied up with what he thinks heās deserves as a person. Heās a good lay for men and women, but heās not anyoneās top choice. And thatās fine, he doesnāt want to get tangled up in feelings anyway. Better to keep things friendly and transactional, like with Svetlana. Like with Hollander! We have a good thing, maybe we can push it a little bit because neither of us have expectations of the other andāoh shit.
You donāt like me: Iām the fun party guy. Iām the guy who fucks you good, Iām not someone you should stake a claim on, someone that should occupy your thoughts. After all, I will not be getting deeply involved. My life is laid out before me, and this doesnāt matter. It canāt matter. We canāt be something, Hollander.
But instead, as we see, Ilya Rozanov dedicates himself to a sweeping, all-encompassing, queer love. He accepts that he has a well of feeling to share, that he has the ability to love deeply despite inconvenience. That he can go against the grain, and be strong. That he isnāt inherently lazy! Thereās another Ilya Rozanov in a different universe that said this is too much. Iām supposed to just fall into a life, not build one from scratch.
Thereās a reckoning there. But thereās also triumph. Because where Shane must surrender control to find self-acceptance, Ilya must accept that he has to take control of his life in order to find love, contentment, and joy. No one is going to make this happen for him. He has to build it from scratch.
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