Here, again, another rant if you could call it that. This is me laying out my thoughts to strangers because this is cheaper than therapy.
This time about relationships and how they can be so amazingly devastating and heartbreaking at moments.
I wouldn't say I am a slut, but I have been with a fair amount of people in my 22 years. I know what I like and what I dont, I know how I want to be treated and am slowly learning how to treat others. My last relationship taught me a lot about what I want in a man. I learned I do want someone similar with close matching ideals and goals. I dont want someone who was a lot of years older than me and forsure dont want to rush into anything.
I met someone a year and three months after my relationship of just over a year ended. Of course over tinder, and my experience on tinder had been a lot of talking to guys and then unmatching because they either didnt meet my standards of texting (yes I have standards for that, sorry not sorry.) or I would find something wrong with them in the tiny amount of pictures they showed me. I wouldnt say I am picky because my last boyfriends were just spur of the moment meeting someone and it worked out, but before I met X I was seeing another guy I met from tinder and that went horribly. We talked for like two weeks and that seemed PERFECT but his place was absolutely disgusting even after he told me he cleaned. That was a deal breaker. So I was very skeptical meeting with people after him. I saw X on tinder and he had a lot of selfies which always seemed like a red flag to me but he was cute. And my age (gasp) well a year older. Seemed like a skinny nerdy kid but his texting etiquette was exquisite! I will tell you my two red flags I had with him before we met: 1. Talked about his ex 2. Didnt drive. Ex thing was eh, I read somewhere that if they talk about their ex then they are not over them and if he was already bringing it up before we met then I couldnt imagine what I was getting myself into, and the driving thing was meh because I wouldnt have a vehicle if it wasnt for my grandpa.
Well we finally met after 11 days, it was weird forsure, but I got over my anxiety and did it. To my surprise he was so unbelievably hot and just so yummy and attractive. I think hes my first boyfriend I was actually attracted to. We went to the mall for our first date and sat at the food court chatting. He, of course, brought up his ex. And not in a small sly way that can allow the conversation to move on. He went on a rant about this chick and how she ruined his life basically and traumatized him so much he cant drive? I shut down for a bit while he talked about her and tried to make it obvious I wasnt interested in the subject by not saying anything and looking around and nodding my head. I ignored it though and stupidly took him home and we had sex. A week or so later he wanted to take me on a “proper” date so we went to this indoor plant exhibit and were gonna go to olive garden after. The first 3/4 of the plant exhibit he was on his phone taking pictures for snapchat. And not just pictures but videos and he was doing funny commentary along with it, and then would stand and watch the video after. So Id start walking ahead and enjoying it by myself. Then his phone either died or was gonna die, and I made the comment “Oh no now you actually have to enjoy it!” and then he got the hint. Plant exhibit didnt take long and he made a comment about how he had to pay that much and it wasnt that long. (It was $15 a person and we were there maybe half an hour. I never said this but I paid for our date that was $21 a person and we were there half an hour but I didnt complain because it was a date. Id say spending time together is money well spent but not to him clearly.) Whatever, he has some financial problems that I understand so I just ignore it. He then brings up his ex again on our way to olive garden, in a totally unnecessary way. He saw a building and said he had been in there, and I said “Oh in that one?” and his response was “Yes, with my ex, she was a model. blah blah blah” that is all I remember him saying and then I shut down. I no longer could ignore his comments and just wanted the date to be over with. Tried to smile my way through the rest of the evening and dropped him off at home and then went back to my house and cried. I texted him and told him I was having a good time(I was gonna say great but the plant exhibit wasnt amazing, with him atleast.) until he brought up his ex, again. He apologized and said he couldnt stop himself and he could tell it threw me off and wanted to know why. Why? I dont know anyone who wants or enjoys hearing about their partners ex. I am not stupid and am aware he had them, I said at the beginning Ive been with a lot of guys myself, but theres a time and place to talk about them. On a “proper” first date should not be one of those times. It still frustrates me and I think about it constantly despite my best efforts at forgiving him. He has not brought them up since which is relieving and he tells me everyday now how much he likes me. I am finding it difficult to like him back now though. Its strange because I do, and I find myself even thinking I love him, but then like a switch I flip and consider blocking his number and never speaking to him again.
As I mentioned before too he is not financially stable. He told me it was because when he moved in with his brother he allowed him to stay there rent free while he paid off his debt. His brother makes him buy their groceries though and buy them fast food. He has been to lazy to drive them to the grocery store the past two weeks so EVERYDAY X buys fast food for him and his brother for breakfast and lunch and dinner, including his brothers girlfriend. I do not know if his brothers buying some of the meals, but everytime weve hung out my boyfriend complains hes broke. I am not rich either. I dont have to pay rent or for school but i do have expenses of my own while working part time, and he is fulltime. I wanna go out and do fun stuff but I have to drive to pick him up and drop him off everytime, pay for food be it fast food or regular groceries (cause cheaper) so I can have money still for gas. Its so frustrating and its to early in the relationship for me to tell him COMMON DUDE. Ive offered to drive him to the grocery store so he can get groceries and save atleast some money but no.
I really like this guy but I dont know when enough is enough. I know the things I mentioned above are all things that can be worked on and I truly am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Despite these negatives Ive written and focused on he has so many good qualities, atleast I think he does. He can make me happy, he doesnt always listen to what I say though. This week I told him we couldnt hang out until sunday so like 5 days we wont see eachother, and that was because I was busy and mostly because I wanted to save money on gas and food. He says he misses me and my voice and so we play fortnite, and the entire time hes not even paying attention. Talking to his brother or taking a toke when Ive already jumped out of the bus and landed and he still hasnt dropped. Like yeah you miss me so much. I told him that I live by the words actions speak louder than words and he agreed but clearly doesnt understand what those words mean. I try to make him feel like a king and he makes me feel like a peasant. I am the only one who makes me feel like queen half the time. Its so confusing. He makes me happy and angry at the same time. Is that love? I dont wanna be in love if it is.
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