The Voices In My Head @cantstopthesevoicesinmyhead - Tumblr Blog

Dying

The bible says that just thinking about something sinful is as bad as committing the sin. So today, I committed suicide by jumping down the 23rd storey balcony. I realised how useless I was, doing meaningless things, spending money I didn't own, and yet have no skills at all whatsoever. If I'm reborn again from this death, will God use me?

catcheesecake

Ft. Lady Meow

Fellowship?

A few posts ago I mentioned about how I had to sit out of the NAV camp because I was tired from socialising. Well now I'm doing it again, at my cousins house. This supposed "Christian fellowship" is just playing games not related to God at all, and I'm wondering why I'm here. So I'm seated 2 floors below them (their house is 3 storeys tall) drinking milo I made for myself, and reading the bible, because I think I rather spend my time with God than the world. Sigh... Will there be a hope for my church? I expected better from this "fellowship". But I don't sense the presence of God in their singing, and definitely not in their games. God show them the way.

The monster in your head won’t surface again. Be still, my child, wash away the sin. And I as future king, walk off the edge. Hold me by my name, hold me till the end.

4th Feb

So today was my birthday and I went out with Rachel and LUCAS, who are completely different people in terms of personality. One thing I've learned over the years of my short life is not to expect much on my birthday. Some people expect to be treated like princes and princesses on their birthdays, and I'm sure a lot of people actually do. But I knew that a birthday is just a normal day, with the fact that you were born. I was feeling quite tired, and everyone seemed tired too. There were some brief moments of silence, since it's weird for Rachel to be around Lucas due to his extroversion. But I guess everyone felt that the day wasn't that fun, nothing special going on, and I too felt like the day was uneventful, and nobody really got me any presents. But then ryan said that he also doesn't receive much presents, but what matters is the people who stick by you through the years, which is what's really important. I guess it's true. I guess when you lower your expectations, nothing can really disappoint you. Sad truth.

#4th feb

Nav Camp

Nav camp is... Weird. I only know 2 people- my mentors. The other people I've never seen before, familiar faces or hi bye acquaintances. And everyone, well most people, know each other. I feel quite out of place, even though everyone is Christian. Sure there are people approaching me to be friendly and introduce themselves, and I think that's nice that they don't leave newcomers excluded, but yet it feels weird to get to know so many people at once. And my introversion is causing me quite a lot of critical moments when I have to be alone from tiredness. Plug in my earpieces and be in my own world. This is another reason why I don't really feel comfortable fellowshipping with them in school. Yet fellowship is so important. To share what you learned about the bible to everyone so that you'll grow stronger in faith. Sigh my shyness and introversion is quite troublesome. All in all this isn't a bad camp so far. Just... Weird.

What's worth fighting for?

Sometimes I doubt myself, wondering if all my hard work is worthwhile. Do I get good grades despite studying hard? Nope. Does Rachel trust that I love her? Not completely. So much effort put in, yet I don't see my dividends. Or maybe I'm fooling myself and actually am not doing enough, who knows. But then every time I feel like giving up, I remember why I started in the first place. To do my best to please God, and to make sure this relationship works out by reaffirming Rachel that she is loved. These two things are worth fighting for.

The world exists not merely in itself, but also as it appears to me. Indeed, at bottom, we have absolutely no criterion that could help us to form a judgment of a world whose nature was unassimilable by the subject.

Carl Jung

The unsettling silence

I hate late replies. I guess the purpose of messaging is for people to reply when they are free or feel like it, but still. Sometimes I check my phone every ten minutes or so, in case whatsapp isn't connected or my phone didn't receive a notification. And of course, no reply. There's always a sense of uneasiness that follows. I hate that feeling. I try to reason with myself as to why he or she hasn't replied yet. I know that people have better things to do, yet this feeling never goes away. I know that Ryan has to wait about an hour for his girlfriend to reply since she's studying for A levels. I wonder how he's ok with that. Or maybe he's not. I should ask him. In the meantime, I'll think of how to cope with the unsettling silence.

Eternal Love

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever. (‭Psalm‬ ‭136‬:‭1‬ NIV) Seeing how the people around me fall in and out of love so easily worries me. Families fighting and segregating themselves, friendships and relationships ending bitterly. I like to think of myself as different, or special in a sense, that I can differentiate between love and a crush, and can stay faithful to those whom I love. But am I tricking myself into believing something that might not be true? How can I be that unique? Maybe I'm no better than the guy who felt nothing for his ex after breaking up for his tenth time. But then I remember that when though the flesh is weak, my heart and mind tries to emulate that of Christ. He loved compassionately, even those whom he did not know personally. And what more for those whom he had close ties to? I hope my love for my loved ones stay intact for the rest of my life. Eternal love.

Why

Samuel, why do you seek to destroy yourself? Sure, aggression and sex are the two drives in Freud's theory, but why? What the hell are you doing? I'm writing this now but I know I won't stop until it's done

Nightmares

My nightmares are always so realistic. What happened to the times when monsters would come attack me? When strangers would try to kill me? Now all my nightmares have completely no element of fiction in them. All negative thoughts surfacing from my unconscious. Hey, I guess I get to know myself better from analysing my dreams. To realise how screwed up my mind is, how negative I feel about this. Shit.

Stop these voices in my head

Voices in my head

Why must I feel this way? Why can't I just be one of those guys who doesn't care? Am I overly attached? Should I change it? Change myself? So much negativity filling my mind, all these voices telling me what to do. Which one should I listen to?

A lonely walk

So many questions left unanswered, so many things I do not know. Tried walking alone to gain insight, yet nothing was revealed to me. Am I on the right track? Living life the right way? Is this my destiny? I don't know. Oh, how I wish to attain wisdom. I fear what lies ahead, though I know it's been all predestined. Why should I be afraid? Sigh. I wish I was wise.

#a lonely walk

Loving without expecting reciprocation

Loving someone without expecting them to love you back- I don't think I have the propensity to do that. The instant I feel unloved, the sadness causes those walls to form involuntarily. And then, I can feel my heart become cold. My mind telling my heart that I don't need that love. O, why dost thy mind worketh this way? Why can't I fully know that I am loved? Why must these defense mechanisms interfere with my emotions? Jesus loved without expecting any in return. And I should be following the example of Jesus. But the flesh is weak. My mind is weak when it comes to expecting love. To love without expecting any in return... Is that possible? Or insane?

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