Captive In Marz

I often feel the need to document my life for fear that I will disappear

[captiveinmarz]

Your name written all over the concrete

Weed them out and cover your star fleet

Spilled and tipped over

I wished on a lover

Big fish undercover

Heavy birds and light anchors

You don’t know if I will answer

I don’t know who you like still

Me or the naked skin

Wrap me up in silence

Wrap me up in violence

I’ll pretend I’m not hit

Our hands are on loan

Slip and loosen grips on your phone

My fingers lock up slightly

No answers on where I might be

Where in a life

Where in life, momentum,

[captiveinmarz]

I miss being sad in the summertime. Sadness in winter is the same frequency as breathing hot air into the chill space. Like a cloud of smoke and steam escaping you forever and a signal fire to bad karma it feels like. Being sad in the summer is like the sickly sweet cling of emotions to your humid skin. Depressive episodes are warm wind coming back to you from winter but the air took on a new life to hold on to your shoulders and keep them from dropping.

[captiveinmarz]

Let me in your heart

In real time i let it fall apart

It pulls me out of my body

Tell me everything you wanted

The touch, the curls,

The way my hand unfurled to hold on yours

I’m the evil you’ve been looking for

Pull the veil just to choke on it

Everything for nature

Nothing for that hurt

A metaphor for features of us

Things enemies weave in us

Pull on my stitches and blow on some wishes

Full of your kisses and none of your words

[captiveinmarz]

“Have a good life”

I say after looking back a thousand times I start heading down the wrong dark street. Some how it’s somewhere I’ve been before. I’m not even chasing someone’s backside I’m chasing my own. Trying to catch up to something that doesn’t exist outside my own mind. Who I am doesn’t exist outside my own head and I’ll forever run after something that’s not tangible.

[captiveinmarz]

So far as the sea side

I marked you, you were mine

To behold or to have

Pick one or be brave do both

Right as rain and thick as thieves

To bumps in the night

One on deaf ears

And one rained on behind

Race down park bends

Silly laughs and maiden names

Never stolen kisses

he wasn’t a thief

Be still my beating heart

Are you tired?

Feeling painted as grand portraits

Betrayed as off set colors

Portrayed as better off with out one another

[captiveinmarz]

My quiet is just as that. Quiet. It’s not a silent cry for help it’s simply soundless. I don’t burn my own clothes off running in circles for attention, I hunch my body down to dirt and crack ribs to be smaller and to take up less space. To exist less. You can’t hurt what’s not there.

[captiveinmarz]

I grew up thinking if you really wanted something you would find a way to make it happen. It’s kind of fucked up because there’s so many things I want that I actively struggle to make happen and yet somehow I still believe in this statement and sometimes I contemplate ridding my mind of it but I can never bring myself to try.

[captiveinmarz]

To get a little closer to climbing out of this hole I gotta be a little selfish. Excuse me for a little bit while I get this sorted. The new skin is ill fitting and it’ll take me some time to get used to. worry not I’ll March on and build with fragments of who I used to be into armored scales that reflect who I wanted to be.

[captiveinmarz]

I deserve someone that makes me feel worth it and all the rest.

[captiveinmarz]

I think the answer is to pretend I’m not me. I see someone in the same situation as me and simultaneously see someone who is capable of mass amount of empathy for me. I see myself. If I am seeing myself from the outside looking in it doesn’t hurt as much. I just gotta hold on to that. I don’t care if it’s just a bandaid. I can’t even bring myself to look at the wound in the eye cause what good does it do? I don’t know if I bandaid is the solution but it’s the best I can manage right now. My body will know to heal even if my mind doesn’t.

[captiveinmarz]

Just this once let my skin be mine. I’ve got a sour taste in my mouth like the memory is full of bile. I wake up the next morning and eyes still burning.

[captiveinmarz]

I feel like I’m tryna climb up a landslide

[captiveinmarz]

A letter to myself,

You feel that sun burn on your skin. The warm winds hold ur face only cause you choose to see it that way. I look in the side view mirror and see how the air whips my green around and my glasses let me see it all. I see familiar sprawling suburbia and I wonder what it looks like through an outsider’s eyes. Who would visit my mind and see through it all. These perspectives are so jaw droppingly beautiful. It hurts and stings a lot when it’s pretty and that’s okay. To look at things so nice out and to feel so bad inside it’s a different kind of pain. It’s easier but also deeper. Weird how it works that way. Keep reminding urself summer is coming and it will always be coming.

[captiveinmarz]

I look in the mirror and see someone I shouldn’t see. Not even in the normal “ I’m not myself” kind of way. I just see someone who isn’t me. I’m reminded of someone who left me. Someone I thought was like me. I don’t wanna think I abandoned myself but it feels that way when I look at the mirror cause I see all the compliments he gave me and all the lil things he pointed out in our features that were similar and all the bigger parts that are different.

We’re ripped apart but I still think about it enough for the both of us and I don’t want that.

[captiveinmarz]

Careful with my heart now.

Place it gently in the floor.

I rather you do that than drop it if you’re not going to hold it.

Asshole

[captiveinmarz]

Letter to myself.

I am very generous and I always try to be kind. I enjoy practicing peaceful resolutions in my problems but I also have a passion in me sometimes for knocking over the tower. I’m intuitive and am working on trusting my gut and following it the places it takes me. I trust love I desire is out there somewhere for me because it exists in myself.

I love how I talk to myself. I love that I make myself laugh. I love that my laugh sometimes starts to sound like people I care for. I love that I pick up things fast and don’t beat myself up if I don’t pick up on other things as fast. I love that I try to practice what I preach and I love that I speak my mind. I love that I try to be kind even in moments I’m weak or angry. I take a moment through my negative emotions to express that I am just having strong emotions and that I feel that way because I care about who I’m talking to.

[captiveinmarz]

I’m so far out of the woods and I’m scared cause it’s just wide open expanses of wind. It brushes against my skin in a way I feel so exposed. I wanna go back to the woods. It’s humid in there and sometimes I can’t breath but somehow I rather suffocate warm than breath and see my own air.