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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Today's Document

Kiana Khansmith
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@carcrash-white
heated rivalry is set in a wild fantasy world where male professional athletes deserve to live
One Fun Minor House From Each Region:
Stormlands - Toyne
First mentioned with Terrence Toyne, the paramour to Aegon the 4ths Mistress Betha Braken (namesake for Betha's teats). Was cut to pieces in front of Betha for this. Terrences brothers attempted to avenge him though they were foiled by Aemond the Dragonknight. House appears to have gone outlaw after this, with the Smiling Knight Simon Toyne being leader of the Kingswood Brotherhood, and Myles Toyne the Captain General if the Golden Company (and possible lover to Jon Connington).
North - Forrester
Originally invented for the GoT Telltale game, only to be added by GRRM in ADWD. Appear to be a minor house sworn to House Glover and based in the Wolfs Wood.
Crownlands - Crabb
House of the GOAT Nimble Dick Crabb! Despite their seat, the Whispers, having been alledged by Dick Crabb to have been a ruin for 1000 years, they appear to at least still be landed Knights with multiple appearing on the Kingsguard, most notably Clement Crabb. Considerd half wild in the lore book, they are interestingly, as stated again by Dick Crabb to not be a cadet house but rather loyal directly to House Targaryen, having sworn themselves to Visenya during the conquest.
Westerlands - Kennings of Kayce
Despite being in the Westerlands are actually descended from the Ironborn Warrior Herrock Henning of Harlaw, who took Kayce with the help of the cities whores. There seems to be some indication that they were orginally landed Knights before being given Lordship follwing the Dance of the Dragons.
Iron Islands - Volmark
Were briefly Kings of the Iron Islands in 2ac following the destruction of House Hoare at Harrenhall. Were subsequently defeated by Aegon the 1st though there was a conspiracy to renstate them as Kings of the Iron Islands early on in the Targaryen era.
Aerion Damphair states outright that after the Greyjoys House Volmark has the greatest claim on the Iron Islands, being descended from the Black Line of House Hoare. Despite this they surport Victarian at the Kingsmoot. Euron Greyjoy later gives them the Shields as their Lordship, stating outright this is to cut into Victarian's base of surport.
Riverlands - Vances
The Vances of Wayfarers and Atranta are 2 vadet branches of the older extinct Vance line. All three appear to have been established from the Andal Conqueror Armistead Vance who is said to have been the mightiest if ALL the Andal Conquerors, defeating the King of Hills and Rivers Tristifer iv Mudd.
The 2 Houses took oposing sides during the Dance of the Dragons, and to this day quarter their Coat of Arms with a green or black dragon.
Interestingly thier sigil is the same as House Flint of Widows watch, though this may just be a coincidence.
The Reach - Oakheart
Interestingly appear to be the Reach equivilant of a Marcher House. Their history is defined like the Dornish Marchers as a warrior culture standing against the Dornish. Infamously Alys Oakheart and her handmaidens were kidnapped by Wyl of Wyl and sold into Myrish Slavery. They later suggested forcing Princess Martell of Dorne to serve in one of the Kingland Brothels to Aegon the 1st.
Are stated outright to be one of the many Houses of the Reach to have a better claim on Highgarden than House Tyrell, and married extensively with their former overlords the Gardeners as well as House Peake.
Arys Oakheart, the POV everyone forgets, is from this house.
Dorne - Wyl
Basically the Dornish House that is so evil it justifies the existence of the Marcher Houses. Firstman in origin and one of the oldest in Dorne they were started by the warriormaid Wylla of Wyl. Aided and abeted the Vulture King during his rain of terror early in Aegon the first's reign. Commited the aforementioned unspeakable acts against House Oakheart. Later kidnapped and killed Daeron Targaryen under a peace banner and imprissoned Aemond the Dragonknight, whom King Baelor the Good retrieved. Seemed to somehow survived unscathed until ADWD despite all this
Interestingly their name "the Wyl of Wyl" mirrors the naming conventions of the Northern Mountain Clans and Wildlings.
they should allow you to report posts for being gauche or passé
Greyjoy family be like:
Priest who uses zealotry to deal with his abuse.
Child hostage with like 5 identities, all of which are traumatized.
Terrible warlord who doesnt understand being a warlord is making him feel terrible.
Young women who despite growing up in a reaver society that sees women as property is somehow the least fucked up.
The worst person you've ever met.
I hate to be that guy but the main issue with House of the Dragon is that Ryan Condale thinks that what makes TV good is characters being more misrable and more lesbian when in reality Mister Ed figured it out that what actually makes TV good is TV being "Fun".
Would LOVE to hear more on your ‘edgy’ Theon betraying Robb take
Basically Theon, while treated well, was raised as a hostage under the condition that the moment the Iron Islands look like they're going to rebel he's losing his head. Even though him and Robb were close they are not bound by any of The North's rules on Kinship, and even if they were Theon 100% deserves revenge on the family that literally planed to kill him, a child.
Invading the North was probably the stupidest option strategically for Balon, but makes sense if you study it under the context of revenge for being humiliated. Theon overachieved in his role in this invasion, and him, the child hostage, becoming the Lord of his former prison is gwnuinly admirable. All the characters we see who treat it as some great sin to Theon are Stark loyalists who would have rather died for the family that again, planned on killing him.
Theon's own conflict with his actions aside, I think he owed the Starks and Robb nothing.
cool tracks (imo)
• Portland - Glitterfox
• By and By - Caamp
• Backwards Directions - Abby Sage
• Pure Imagination - The Wild Reeds (love this cover)
• Neon Moon - Cigarettes after Sex
.. I could continue, lol.
Thank you!
ASOIAF POVs as Onion Headlines:
Ned:
-Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me
Jon
-Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
Daenerys
-Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing
Tyrion
-Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet
Cersei
-I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out
Catelyn
-Why Can't This Family Ever Have A Funkin' Good Time?
Sansa
-Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure
Bran:
-Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy
Arya
-Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying
Brienne and Jamie
-Relationship Definitly Hurtling Towards Something
Davos
-Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion
Samwell
-I'm Tired Of Constant Near Death Experiences
Theon
-Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had
Victarion
-Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being
Aereon
-True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
Asha
-Area Women Planning To Fuck Up The Patriarchy Or Die Trying
Arrianne and Arys
-Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports
Quentin
-If Only I'd Listened To Literally Anyone
Baristan
-Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time
Jon Con
-Prodigal Asshole Returns
Melisandre
-Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually.
The Winds of Winter is just Bran and Blood Raven playing pranks on people with ravens and Weirwoods
Bracken Blackwood beef is hilarious because the Brackens were 100% in the Riverlands first and have had to endure 1000 years of goth northern wizards telling them otherwise
Average Bracken: Ser Boromer Bracken. Fond of riding, hunting, and drink. Married to Piper girl who he welped four kids with. Killed in pointless border skirmish 529.
Average Blackwood: Red Harry Rivers. Born to the second daughter of Lord Blackwood and an unknown father. Had his tongue torn out at age 9. Gaunt and humorless. Can speak to trees.
the "cannibalism as a metaphor for love" enthusiasts when a rap lyric is mildly scandalous
Jon Snow was keeping ts in his chambers I'd have stabbed him too
Funny subtext about Jamie showing Loras the white book is that Loras most definitely thought Jamie was coming on to him
I think my edgiest ASOIAF opinion is that Theon wasn't in the wrong for betraying Robb and that all things considered it was a reasonable thing to do.
you. blogger bragging about how you have the whole targaryen family tree memorised. if you fail to give me three character traits each of hizdahr zo loraq and skahaz mo kandaq in the next three minutes the bomb will go off