Card Archives!

MUSTACHES HALL OF FAMERS AND MAYBE EVEN ROOKIES (but mainly mustaches and HOFers)

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Levi Johnson

Mustache Says:

At this point, I only fuck men. Not because I'm gay, but because I've run out of women.

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Bruce Jarvis

Mustache Says:

MOTHER-FUCKER. I DO NOT TOLERATE STEALING FROM THE BANKER IN MONOPOLY.

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Jack Reynolds

Mustache Says:

No Homo. 

Jack Reynolds could basically suck off the entire offensive line and still come off as straight. You remove that mustache, and he's doing some shit that'd make DeSean Jackson freak the fuck out on talk radio.

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Glen Edwards

Mustache Says:

Say it, motherfucker. Say it and we'll see what happens. I hope you aint grown attached to your fucking appendages. Now, tell me to my face that you aint never seen a black man with a side part. That's right cocksucker, I'm a middle-to-upper class motherfucker.

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NEIL CLABO

You'll normally find this mustache worn by shady business types in the Club district; it says:

If there's grass on the field, play ball. If there aint, roll her over and play in the mud. Giggity. Giggity.

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Uwe Von Schamann

Mustache says:

I CAME TO AMERICA WHEN MOVIES STILL PORTRAYED GERMANS AS THE TERRORISTS AND BAD GUYS BUT THOSE GODDAMN RUSSIANS AND FUCKING ARABS ARE STEALING ALL THE GOOD ROLES.

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Matt Robinson

Mustache Says:

I wanted to look tough. I wanted to be a fucking cowboy. Instead, I'm a goddamn fluffer on Brokeback Mountain and Heath Ledger's so stoned he can't keep his fucking dick hard.

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Kevin Kobel

Mustache says:

Let me tell you this straight from the heart: You can put a Thai hooker in the trunk, but those goddamn Cambodian hookers are afraid of the fucking dark and they'll piss and shit themselves all over the the place if you don't wrap them in plastic first.

(find Kobel Cards)

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Rennie Stennett

(find Rennie's cards on the bay)

Mustache says:

"STOP: No dicks allowed."

Bat says:

"Motherfucker, I'm serious."

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Rocky Bleier

(Bleier On eBay)

What's the stache say?

The only thing my dick can't do is suck itself, so get to work.

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Tony Franklin

Kickers are barely football players, except when it comes to their facial hair.

(Franklin on eBay)

What's it say?

I've railed enough cheap-ass hookers to know that the only thing protecting my gold teeth from theft is this motherfucking security system above my top lip.

What do you think?

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Bubba Smith

(find this card on eBay)

Bubba's mustache doesn't say much, but it casts a wide net:

If you fuck with my shit, I'll kill you.

The mustache doesn't specify what his shit is -- His woman? His Car? His six-pack of fucking ovaltine in the refrigerator? Who the fuck knows -- but I can promise you, I'm not going to test a mustache like that.

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Gene Lipscomb

Motherfucker. What a name for a mustache grower. All hail.

When you sport a mustache like this, you're saying

"My nuts are so big, I need to wear a mustache to balance out my center of gravity"

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Brian Wilson

Brian Wilson's one hell of a baseball player and this beard says, "Kiss my face and you'll know what it's like going down on a French Woman"

Yes, this beard is worthy of the tagline "Hometown Hero"

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Sal Fasano

When it comes to mustaches, one man stands above the rest: Sal Fasano.

This mustache is renowned for it's conciseness when it speaks and it says, "Bitches blow me because my dick spits 25-year old single malt Scotch"

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Ben Coates

Remember Ben Coates? I feel like he's overlooked nowadays.

Coates played for the New England Patriots when Topps was mainly focused on action photography, but on the reverse of many of his cards you're blessed with his badass mustache in all of it's glory.

At 6'5"/245-255lbs, Coates had six prolific receiving years but blocked well his entire career.

Look at me, I'm a patriot. I'm totally nonthreatening because i'm wearing this toque. 

But just two years later, Ben discarded the toque and morphed into a man that reeks of fucking ninja. It's a wild combination of wisdom and the ability to rip your damn arms off if the feeling struck him. That combination was the reason that the Patriots had to let Coates leave for the Ravens in 2000. There's no way that Ben Coates doesn't rip off Brady's arms and shove 'em up his ass if they're teammates.

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James Harris: From Grambling To Detroit

I'm having a difficult time deciphering the 1976 look that Harris is throwing out. What about you, what are you feelin from the stache and burns? Harris was a fairly mediocre player as a pro, but as a College Quarterback under the great Eddie Robinson, Grambling State won or shared all four SWAC titles.

So, when it comes down to it, his airy sideburns say, "Los Angeles is a fabulous town," while his mustache says, "I have a rather large gap-toothed smile that i'd prefer that you didn't look at so just go ahead and stare at this bad-boy." This was during the Rams epic run from 1973 to 1979 inclusive, where they won the NFC West.

He's remained in football, mainly on the personnel side of things, and is today Detroit's Senior Personnel Executive.