Stories by Clary

still undecided

[carissamaritorres]

a wistful corner in my room…

[carissamaritorres]

…but I believe I’m one of the maddests.

[carissamaritorres]

“I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love.”

— Unknown

[carissamaritorres]

September 5, 2014; 9:23 pm

…the moon is watching above, the cerulean sky - asleep.

Bless this one particular window on our house for everytime I’d risk a glance would unswervingly provide me an inexplicable feeling to take wing over the night sky and a felicitous peace of mind… Total serenity, tranquility. Bless this spot.

[carissamaritorres]

“so you want to be a writer. if it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don't do it. unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don't do it. if you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen or hunched over your typewriter searching for words, don't do it. if you're doing it for money or fame, don't do it. if you're doing it because you want women in your bed, don't do it. if you have to sit there and rewrite it again and again, don't do it. if it's hard work just thinking about doing it, don't do it. if you're trying to write like somebody else, forget about it. if you have to wait for it to roar out of you, then wait patiently. if it never does roar out of you, do something else. if you first have to read it to your wife or your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your parents or to anybody at all, you're not ready. don't be like so many writers, don't be like so many thousands of people who call themselves writers, don't be dull and boring and pretentious, don't be consumed with self-love. the libraries of the world have yawned themselves to sleep over your kind. don't add to that. don't do it. unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it. unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it. when it is truly time, and if you have been chosen, it will do it by itself and it will keep on doing it until you die or it dies in you. there is no other way. and there never was.”

Charles Bukowski

[wallflowerbloom]

No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

(Dead Poets Society, 1989)

[carissamaritorres]

17 years of Skepticism

(The fuck is this?! Nahalungkat ko sa baul)

My name is Carissa Mari P. Torres. I hate my name because I think it’s too long and it’s ugly. I also hate my face because it’s ugly. I hate myself but sometimes I love me. I don’t know I’m confusing as crap. I’m 16 now. I would turn 17 on the 2nd of August. I love books. But I’m usually lazy to finish them. I’m into movies and art. I like poems and music. I believe that I want to be a writer someday. And also a lawyer, and a painter too.  But I also want to be a musician. The fuck is this I don’t know what I really want can I just be a wizard now? But I never finish any story until now. I’m lazy. I always wanted to be alone. I love my friends. They make me laugh when I’m at school. People see me as the quiet, nerd and smart-ass girl, I believe. But ‘me’ as that smart kid in class? Heck no. The fuck is that -__- I hate school and I don’t want to study. I’m bad at memorization. I suck at math ever since I was a kid. I suck at living. I’m never a dean’s lister. And I think I don’t even want to be one. But I know I can the only problem is, I’m a lazy fucktard. I’m getting bad grades ever since I enter college. Back when I was in Elementary, I’m always included on our class’ top students. I’m either the 5th or the 3rd. And it sucks really. Because duuhhhh, every time I would receive my awards at the stage it was like they were heaving the word “MEDIOCRE” butted right on my fagdamn face. I suck at living.

I love my family. They’re always supportive of me and whatever I’m into ever since. I’m never the rebel, bad-ass daughter but as I say, I’m lazy as fuck. My parents always tend to scold me because all I do is sit in front of my laptop all day. They’re my parents but I think they don’t even know half of the person I am now. My mom sees me as an intelligent one like of those other people that doesn’t know me at all. But like what I’ve said I don’t think I am. I mean, I know I can easily understand things, but heck not math of course. I’m referring to those things in life that needs an extra open-mindedness to be fully understood. I believe that I know the difference between “Knowledge and “Intelligence”. Life needs Intelligence, it’s necessary. I believe that there were and there will always be people out there who never attend school but are intelligent enough as those arseholes who are fortunate enough to get proper education. I believe that even if you got bad grades in school, doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. “Grades don’t measure your intelligence.” Yes, been thanking that quote ever since because I tell that a lot to my parents lol.

Long bus rides at the coldest nights, stargazing, staring at the infinite night sky are always my favorite. I don’t have the deepest mind but I do have the most tangled and confusing thoughts that lies between my heart and my head. Sometimes, thousand words, thoughts and ideas seem to assault my mind all at once but there are also those times when they all seems to be walloping at the most far corner of my intellect. I hate that I can’t write exactly what’s on my mind. I hate that I’m just a mediocre writer-wannabe who thinks that she always can. I hate that people at my school believed that I’m a good writer. I hate Youuuu all. Kidding. I do have my dreams but I don’t think they are bigger enough because when I think of them they don’t even scare me at all. I like Taylor Swift by the way, and Harry Potter, Hunger Games and Paramore, and Divergent, and The Breakfast Club, Titanic, Alice in wonderland. I love movies but as much as I want to mention them all in here I can’t because duhhh there are so many of them. I like poetry by the way, I believe I’ve just mentioned it above but I really like poems. I like the colors burgundy, navy blue and mint green. I like sweets! Chocolates, frappes, donuts and cute cupcakes. I am also into fashion and girl stuffs like rom-com, chic-flicks movies and fluffy things and the color pink but I don’t want people to see me that way. Ohhh and, don’t fucking laugh at this I will whack your face, truth is, I’m portraying a mysterious, silent but deadly and a hardcore one right at this point of my life now because I feel like I’m strong and brave when I do things like those bad-ass girls in movies I’ve watched. But then again, I’m not doing it right fuck this shit. I like wearing sneakers and I already ditched the heels because it’s too girly. I cry when the night sky is too beautiful because I can’t handle all the feels and because I’m ugly.

See, this is my life and I am probably almost as exciting as a raw potato. Congratulations, you’ve just wasted your 15 minutes by reading this crap. Thank omg tomorrow is my birthday.

[carissamaritorres]

"Cinemalaya: A decade of connecting Dimensions"

August 7, 2014/ CCP Complex

[carissamaritorres]

How was the 4-day period of reduced voltage of electricity caused especially by the sudden outrage of disastrous wind conveyed by a downpour named after my cousin, Glenda for a Nyctophiliac? Cue: Init fuuuun, living in the real world *ain’t it fun* Actually, it was FUUUUNN! Three things: Books, Darkness, and the euphonic sound of raindrops bouncing merrily on the seeming of our roof. Kung di lang mainit, Brown out pa more :(

[carissamaritorres]

Canon in C

In this chimerical hour, I was stuck

With a friend who was cloaked by the darkness,

By the form of the wind

brushing softly against my skin –

it traces my soul

bringing thoughts that would lately obstruct my mind

The stars are watching above

The cerulean sky – asleep;

The moon that guards me, watches soundlessly

Whispering things that sends me apart

From the forbidding grip of life’s veracity

a senescent tree beside me

Muttering words I cannot grasp

But I think it is reminding me

of how strong I should be

not after all the epistle hit me, It was too late

I was betrayed by my thoughts

The wind stretched out a hand to me

  “You like to be happy, then come with me”

  An hour passed and I was lost

All of a sudden

Without any indication,

A girl of a wondrous kind

pointed the direction

towards the light –

almost blinding in sight,

And accompanied me

To the night sky we flew

With stars bidding goodbye in blue

She held my hands and showed the real beauty

Of all things outside and within me.

[carissamaritorres]

Inscribed conclusions

Those kaleidoscopic-tinted yarns

For an hour long, ogled and played at

by my wired cat

Do you ever get a preview on that?

Well, I might

Therefore, I write.

[carissamaritorres]

Clary's first week of school: The unequivocally vital experience

"yoko pumasok kapag pangit ang available na damit sa closet ko kasi redundant.” Cheni pa closet. Okay tokador aparador kabinet ayan happy? Happy.

Paki sabi naman kung sulit ang binayaran kong tuition para sa semester na ito kung ang katabi ko sa bawat klaseng pinapasukan ko ay minu-minutong inaatake ng kalibugan, matik ang kamay sa pag guhit ng mga sagradong parte ng katawan sa iba’t ibang hugis, kulay at kaanyuan. Wala din preno ang bibig sa kadaldalan yung totoo sa anong era ka ba nabuhay bakit parang di ka nauubusan ng kwento?

*lagay ko dito bag ko para di siya tumabi* *Pls wag mo na akong tabihan mama Gen.* *ay kunwari dito si kikay* Punyeta po (sleeves)

June na. Supposedly tag-ulan na. Pag tag-ulan syempre malamig na. Pag malamig na hindi pa pala punyeta ang init pare may mga araw na sa sobrang init gugustuhin mo nalang isabit ang sarili mo sa kisame sa tapat ng electric fan at patunayan ninyong dalawa na may forever.

//June 11, 2014// Wednesday ito pero hindi pa man dumarating ang Friday the 13th sinampolan na ko ni tadhana ng isang malupet lupet na kamalasan. Niagara falls nakanampucha sana man lang nagbigay ng clue na mag re-red tour pala ako sa araw na ito hindi ko namalayan na….. wag mo na alamin napuno ng ulan ang alulod pero thank lesson learned: Magbaon ng extra napkin with wings. (R18)

Tuwing 1:30-2:30 ng Monday, Wednesday at Friday ang schedule n subject naming itago nalang natin sa pangalang Uyayi. Ano ang uyayi hindi ko rin alam pero feel ko siyang gamitin kaya lampake. Noong bakasyon sa mga ganitong oras nasa wonderland ako at mga 3 na ako magigising pero ngayong pasukan na jusko lourde we’ll never be royals nakakaantok pare :(

Buti may isang batang dancer na ubod ng hyper with that ever fluffy cheeks and QT squinty eyes ang nagsisilbing inspirasyon at itago nalang natin siya sa pangalang Carla Lat awtsubelibels harthart.

Madalas tuwing vacant napapaisip ako ng sobrang lalim kung makikipag socialize ba ako sa lobby with those sea-of-ins-self-proclaimed pero bigla kong mare-realise na ay huwag nalang baka madismaya sila sa itsura ko kaya kausapin ko nalang si kuya na tindero sa fast fruit “Kuya padagdag ng isang oreo bayaran ko lima.” So kapag wala akong mapuntahan tatambay ako sa usual spot ko sa canteen with my trusted journal kuno sharpie at gel pen tapos bibirahan ko ng sulat ng kung ano ano (para kunwari “wow ang deep naman ni ate writer kaya siya siguro nagsusulat siya story” awtsu) Yes mofos, bow down to your Queen. Chausse :3 So ayun sa canteen ako palagi at idi-display ko pa yung laptop ko para sign ng “Do not fucking disturb.”

May mga araw naman na gustong gusto ko mag-isa pero ang mga punyeta kong kaibigan mahal na mahal ako ayaw akong iwanan sunod ng sunod sakin haysxz ang hirap naman ipaliwanag sa kanila “Guys ano ba hindi ako natatae o kung ano man, I just want some space okay? Leave me alone” Charot ahehehe wew.

Uy guys baka isipin ninyo anti-social ako uy hindi ah wew hindi talaga awtsuu hindi ako ganun ano ba naman hindi nga.

Actually wala naman talaga akong problema sa society, society lang talaga ang may problema sa muka ko. You know, haisxz alam nyo naman guys. Sana kasi kahit isang araw maging pangit ako ang hirap kasi talaga kapag araw araw kang pangit bumpanese jelly jelly fish goldfish finish. *badum tss* :’(

So eto ang buhay ko so far sa aking pangatlong taon sa kolehiyo ng San Sebastian. Malayo layo pa ang aking tatahakin nasa kalagitnaan palang kami ng taon at…. Kakasimula pa nga lang pala ng klase ampf akala ko malapit na ang bakasyon :> Pero ang dami kong ine-expect guys, alam nyo na. I am prone to danger. Ako ang quintessence ni Harry Potter sa muggle world na ito. Sangkaterbang kamalasan na naman bring it on life rak na ituuuu \m/

Abangan ang mga susunod pang kahihiyan……. Kabanata pala awtsu.

Nagmamahal,

Clary Fray, xx. (Aw ganda ko lily collins ba ampf medyo pa british tayo ng onte ngayon)

[carissamaritorres]

Iron Cupcakes

Grieve by the fete

Mourn thru all the highpoints you'll greet

It's not every day an icy soul will be flounced solid by her feet.

((6/3/2014)) 3:38 PM

[carissamaritorres]

an almost haiku for you <4

fuck you, fuck you or fuck you

fuck you fuck this fuck them fuck....

do you even fuck?

fuck her, fuck him, fuck yoself.

fuck you all.

fuck it, bitch.

fucked.

[carissamaritorres]

Out of the blue

this day might be the sky in its clearest blue my thoughts were tangled like the earpods in my pocket the emptiness is gradually eating my whole I’ve got soul that’ll be longing for those happy days - nonstop.

this day i can compare to an empty plastic bottle of water If you ask me why, just giving you a disinclined sigh

… time to get up and face the world that awaits you a lonely, harsh, big (fucked up) world.

this day might be a jar of pure uncertainties only the birds were heading to their destination and only the wind can whisper to you words of motivation

this day might be a warpped rounds of questions waiting to be unveiled and unlock waiting to be answered by all of the luck just getting ready to be discovered, in fact.

get your ass off that fucking bed do something productive today don’t fucking waste your time stop staring blankly ahead your donwcasted, dull ceiling get up, fucktard.

much love, yourself. x

[the-oystertown-nightmares-blog]

Scatterbrain

A pressed tulip; Tight lips Highway hair And an empty stare With a penchant for words Orphaned songs And obscure bands Hidden in her own secret world Content with her brand of sadness.

[the-oystertown-nightmares-blog]

Drop

No need for sunshine Or fair summer skies I found my solace And unending grace In the final day On the month of May Oh precipitate My calming grey sky I’m your earthly spy Waiting for your tear Mourning for the clear Aether which you hold dear I will hear you cry Why, why, why, why, why.

May 31, 2014