working with someone that youre dating/fixing a relationship with/more than friends with is hard. and pretty stupid, a matter of fact. so here's a quick tip before i continue on - do yourself a favor and dont do it. no matter how hot Tom from accounting looks and how you envision him and his sweaty abs in those dirty thoughts of yours, dont do it unless you're prepared for the vicious cycle of in office dating.
so in october i wrote some blog about how it was over over this time and bullshit bullshit. clearly it is now march and we're still in each other's lives. why? because of work mostly. partly because we werent over it, we gave it another go a couple times. and actually this time around we were just working on maintaining a friendship rather than a relationship. but even that gets hard.
where do i even begin with this one? so we settled on being friends and i had some problem about comfort/being friends too quickly and i guess i wanted extremes. either yes, we can be friends but i would like to just have some space first before we maintain some sort of friendship or no, we're getting back together because i dont wanna dance around this "just friends business" and then its like you want to get back together with me. either you know what you want from me or you dont.
personally i stood closer to the grounds of wanting to be friends than getting back together because i was tired. i was tired of pretending this was a relationship when it was never living up to my standards of one. i was tired of feeling like i was doing more of the understanding and compromising. and no one wants that. but this isnt about my point of view i guess, i gave him an option.
of course he chose option C which was friends that cuddle or FWB if you rather, and its a sticky situation to be in, which i didnt really want but i figured i could bat him off with a stick.
so after spending the whole weekend over there and feeling like i had wasted my time sleeping when i could have been sleeping in my own bed, spending time with my family and spending time with people that i made plans with and not on the phone talking to him senseless about something that didnt even matter really, i had a conversation with my sister. she told me about something my parents have already told me - if i was going to continue living at home i needed to respect their house, etc etc. and normally, i would kind of shrug this off because whatever i was doing to defy them or really, not give two shits, was totally worth my time. but this was the problem - i started to feel like this wasnt worth my time anymore. i genuinely felt bad that i didnt spend time with my family all the weekend. i felt like i wasted my weekend canoodling with someone i genuinely just wanted a friendship with but couldnt seem to let go.
so needless to say i felt a little off monday morning and into monday night when i was going to work. i ignored several texts except for the "have a good shift" one. i guess he figured out i wasnt in tip top shape and we talked. i told him i couldnt exactly do the canoodling and cuddling anymore, it was making me feel uneasy. we actually settled on a good thing.
tuesday morning i felt resentment. he hadnt reached out, he didnt text like normally and said nothing to me, not even before work. now the debate here is how dejected i was allowed to feel. should i have felt so ignored? i mean we did discuss we were just going to be friends like normal. all i wanted to cut out was the cuddling. did i want him to continue to text me? i dont know but the fact he didn't made me feel like i got what i wanted and realized i didnt want that either. so while i struggled to figure out what my feelings were to being ignored, we had to work together in the same floor. perfect.
i was midway fuming and sorting through my feelings as i tried to start my work day. and normally, if this was a regular couple situation - i would have just ignored any contact until i was ready to sort through my feelings. which is exactly what i did. he passed through a couple times and its not like i ignored his 'excuse me's' or anything. but here in point was the bomb defusing - i was looking at the patient assignment sheet and totally not facing him. i hear a 'hi' behind me and i ignored it. because why are you saying hi to me no, i dont want to acknowledge you because you are behind me, and im not going to make a conscious effort to turn around and acknowledge you when you have deemed you had nothing to say to me for the last 12 hours so just because youre behind me doesnt mean you have this power to get me to turn around and acknowledge you. because texting is easier and clearly i wasnt important enough.
*side track: while writing this, i am slowly figuring out his point of view which is why i wrote this out because its pissing me off in my head. but all the more reason we shouldnt be friends because of my crazy thinking like this. its too soon.
anyway that's what was going on in my mind. i carried on my day without saying too much only when necessary. then my orientee decided to tell me what he said while i vividly ignored him. and it set off the second wave of bombs. it went along the lines of 'see! she's always like this!' and it aggravated me enough to text.
- you dont even ask why im mad you just go off complaining without even giving a shit
- you want me to kiss your ass after you disrespect me? give me a break!
- how the fuck is ignoring you in person and ignoring you in text not the same thing?
- youre so blind to your actions, im done with you
- youre an ignorant asshole. im happier without you.
it calmed through the night into the day with bitter side comments here and there from both parties. and mind you, we are only two feet away from each other because, i mean, thats how life goes. duh.
until after work i just couldn't help myself. i was still so upset. and in retrospect i should have just stopped. more fighting words exchanged
- yeah i am happier because i dont have you making me angry and bitchy all the time.
- dont you get tired of fighting? im done. there is no future with us at this point.
- i dont give a shit. youre a sorry excuse for a person.
- youre so dramatic. good luck because youre going to need it to have someone want to be with you and your crazy shit.
- you'll need it more than me because i'll be damned if someone can put up with your stubborn attitude.
until i called my friend to vent. then i continued to fight. why? i dont know. i started feeling more resentment that i had been keeping in. no longer was the girl who wanted to keep her poise and keep those bad thoughts in her head about how much she really resented this relationship, how miserable she really was and how she just wanted to make this whole thing go away like it was a bad dream.
then he got really upset and started ignoring me. then i stopped caring. and then i gave myself a 20 minute break. then i felt bad. so i apologized. and silence.
i keep replaying this over and over in my head because of the waves of residual feelings. every couple hours i feel 10x better about myself because i knew this was a long time coming. every other couple of hours i get distraught and almost sad, but not quite. because it didnt have to be this way. then i relapse again and tell myself there was nothing i could do because my feelings are always going to my feelings and my truest form of me.
so now what? this is the part of the cycle that read like those interactive 'pick your own story' goosebumps books when you were a little kid. do you turn to page 24 and save Kelli? or do you turn to page 28 and let Bobby die? you always kind of want to give Kelli the benefit of the doubt and stick up for her ass even though she was always a backstabbing friend anyway but killing seriously choosing someone to violently die instead of saving someone doesnt sound all that humane. but maybe this time, page 28 is looking a little more tempting because after chosing Kelli so many god damn times you almost wanna say, you know what Bobby, let's put you out of your misery. screw Kelli.
maybe this time around, i choose what i should have chosen all those other times before and what i wanted to do last night. ignore you. seek the end of all of this. what benefit is this to me anyway? its not like i want to be your "girlfriend" or anything beyond someone you know from work that you unfortunately had to date. to prevent a #29 to roll around the corner.
turnnoffyourmind
kianamaiart
blakekathryn
snowghoul
andulkaphoto
discoholicmusic
pixelskylines
