[text]: " i'm sorry. i love you " ( DELIVERED - 9:42 PM) the notification confirms: the message is sent and received by them. peggy bites her lips as she re-reads her own words, particularly gazing at the three last ones, the ones she'd never say sober. the alcohol makes her fuzzy and she thinks about calling someone, but gives up: they all deserve better, so, she turns off her phone and sits in her bed, holding her knees to her chest and hoping for a better day when she wakes up tomorrow
‘ i’m sorry, i love you ’
the words, burned into her memory, flash across carol’s mind.they ring through her mind, overshadowing everything else.everything but joanna PEGGY on the ground, unnaturally still.
it feels like the world around her is shaking, thrown off its axis,and it takes a second for her to realize how that isn’t the case.it’s her that’s trembling, shaking so hard it feels as if she’ll fallapart. she can barely stop herself from collapsing, can barelyfind the breath in her lungs to keep her head from spinning,and there’s a ringing in her ears, grief the only thing that makessense.
‘ i’m sorry, i love you. ’
oh, god. that text, that final message. had that been a goodbye?the last words she’ll ever have from her daughter? siren’s wail inthe distance, summoned through tears and pleas, but carol canbarely hear them over the pounding in her ears, the rushing of air,and the litany of no, peggy no, too young, i didn’t, so much left to,never her, please inside her head. peggy’s not moving, and carol’sthroat hurts, like she’s been screaming for hours.
‘ i’m sorry, i love you. ’
and then it spikes, something worse than fear, something that tasteslike terror and helplessness and griefgriefgrief at the same time. andit kicks her like adrenaline, like electricity, and all of a sudden herheart is racing and her blood is rushing in her ears.
peggy. peggy, peggy, peggy.
she lunges across the few feet separating them, and drops to herknees beside her daughter’s still form. her hands are still shakingas she reaches out, hesitant to touch. she knows what skin feelslike when it’s dying, cold and clammy, and she doesn’t want tothink of peggy like that, doesn’t want the memories of her touch( too little, not enough, never enough ) go cold beneath her fingers.
‘ i’m sorry, i love you. ’
she doesn’t realize she’s crying, sobbing until she a tear landsin peggy’s hair, and then she can’t stop, sobs tearing from herthroat like screams of agony. in a way, that’s exactly what theyare. there’s nothing but a fathomless well of grief and frustrationand hopelessness under her chest, the tears mingling with thealcohol pooling under peggy’s bod— under peggy.
she’s alive, she’s alive, she’s still alive, please. if carol’s everdone any good in this world, her daughter’s still alive.
‘ i’m sorry, i love you. ’
carol watches peggy’s breaths die on the tip of her tongue,half-formed sounds falling off the cliff, and she can’t do anything.she watches peggy fade away, and she can’t save her. she’sspent the last twenty years missing her child, wishing andregretting and wondering. and barely a year is all they’ve had.they’d just found each other again and now—
“ i’m sorry, ” she chokes out, pressing her forehead against peggy’s,“ i love you. ”
who was the one to propose: clint. that’s actually not a joke. he’s singing “ jess and carol sitting in a tree, ” one morning, because he’s a giant child, and carol looks over at jess and says, “ marriage would actually be nice. ”who stressed more over wedding planning: i’d say jess, actually. it’s her wedding with carol, it has to be perfect.who decorated the house: probably jess. if carol decorated, it’d end up a total mess of weird alien crap. carol likes it. no one else does.who is more organized: both! carol’s spent years in the military, jess has spent years with hydra. they’ve both learned to be militant with organization.who initiates bedroom fun: usually carol!who suggested kids first: neither, i think. they both already have kids, who they haven’t done the best job with. they’re fine not bringing anymore into their relationship. besides, chewbacca is enough work.who’s more dominant: that would be equal!who’s the cuddler: jess grew up pretty touch starved, so her, after she gets used to it.what’s their favorite non-sexual activity: flying! —well, carol flies, jess swings. carol's almost offered to carry jess a few times, but she's kinda terrified of dropping her. “ no, i'm not being overprotective. shut up, jess. ” who kills the spiders: neither! carol takes them outside.who falls asleep first: it’s usually carol.who is louder: also carol! you know those neighbors who have their wifi labeled ‘ we can hear you having sex ’?. yeah, carol's fault.who is more experimental: it’s probably both, actually!do they fuck or make love: it depends, but usually make love. what dorks.who’s more likely to be caught masturbating: carol!who comes first: usually jess.who is better at oral and who prefers it: jess would be better at it, and they’d both like it about the same.who is more sensitive: that’s probably carol. neither of them are really sensitive, though.who has the most patience: that depends! they both can be patient or impatient, depending.
You’re not going to teach me about Captain Marvel, dummy! I’m going to teach you. There is nobody in the whole universe who knows more about Captain Marvel than me. I’m an expert. I got you covered.
“ so, you’ve been staring at me for the past couple minutes, kid.
understandable, because i look great, but you kinda look like you want to
KILL me. which is also understandable, if i’m being honest. but i’d actually
like to know WHY. —if chewie ate something she shouldn't have again,
i take no responsibility. ”
“ so, i got you flowers? or at least, i tried. the wind kinda blew them apart when i was flying over. the chocolates are okay, though! —yeah, yeah, i know it’s cliche and all, but i bought you things, and i’m taking you to dinner? my treat. ”
“ not even the wildest one i’d have. i’d say
i never should have become a superhero,
but honestly, i think i’m ruined for normal
life. i’d die of boredom the first day. ”
“Force of habit. Oh, it’s one of those makes you want to barf but is secretly the coolest thing you’ve seen in weeks kind of weird?…You realize now I have to grab her, right?”
eleven. kiss along the collarbone for @lxstenupbitchcakes
lips press to jess’s skin, peppering kisses like constellations as carol holds her close. her world has narrowed into happy hums and delicate fingers curled over her bicep, as. there’s a joyous warmth in the pit of her stomach andadoration pours from her being. she feels right at home.
she’s more composed than this. generally. normally.
but this isn’t normal, this is her best friend, this is carol telling her she
loves her— not once but twice now and it’s getting harder to write off as
carol having hit her head. this is carol, the only person in her life who jessica
hasn’t ruined things with, the only person jessica can consistently remember
being by her side— for her— but it’s also carol and jessica’s loved her for—
it feels like forever. and she’s thought about it, once or twice, carol,
(traveled the stars, out of this world carol), loving her back but— jessica finds her
breath catching in her throat again and her chest feels heavy, not just from the
adrenaline or exhaustion but something else entirely. “you don’t mean that,”
she repeats it, mostly to herself, turning her shoulder so she’s facing the road, trying
to busy herself with picking up trash. debris. something. anything to keep her eyes
off carol. . “because everyone who’s loved me dies or ends up hating me,” it’s spat
with a bit too much venom then she intended because her mouth is speaking before
her brain can catch up now. (and it’s true, isn’t it? they die, they hate her, or they leave.)
“and i love you too much to let you have to deal with that—” her hands freeze, words
out before she can stop them.
with a sigh, carol reaches towards jessica, intertwining
her fingers carefully with the other woman’s. “ just relax,” she says.
“ you don’t have to— anything. you're my jess. and if you don’t want
to make out with me, i’ll survive. ” and well— she’d be crushed, actually.
she’s loved jess for god knows how long, and she’s spent so much time being
terrified of it. and now, now that she’s convince herself not to pull away, to not
let jess pull away, it’d hurt like hell to be turned away. but she’d survive,
as long as jess is still with her. everything else is something she can live without,
as long as she hasn’t ruined their friendship. her eyes snap up at jess’s next
words, suddenly blazing. she’s furious, so angry that someone’s made jess feel
like she’s unlovable. and guilty. that she hasn’t done enough, that she hasn’t shown
jess just how much she means to her. because— well, she’s spent years traveling the
stars. seeing all these magnificent things— beautiful galaxies and impossible architecture, rainbow skies and alien planets, breathtaking landscapes and the
sometimes brilliant and sometimes difficult species that lived in them. and she
kept thinking i wish jess were here, and i wonder what jess would think of this.
throughout all the galaxies and billions of light years she’s traveled, jess has
always been home. at the other’s words, she freezes, ‘ and i love you ’ repeating
itself in her mind. for several long, very painful seconds, carol forgets to breathe.
“ you really mean that? ”
