spooks @carryyouawaydemo - Tumblr Blog

i am so tired of having borderline genuinely i am sick and fucking tired of it

Finally finished this (i think)

at the end of the day i am just a cat

BPD IS DESTROYING MY LIFE

i just think if you are also disabled you should be understanding of your disabled friends

in the strangest ways, working with medication has shot me back to what my own addiction experience was like.

although i’ve not touched the pills in years, and they’re not even technically considered addictive, i look back at that point of my life with a really grotesque fondness that i can’t help but ache for. i never wish to go back to that, nor will i ever, but there was something about the comfort of knowing i could go home to my pills that kept me going. that didn’t make it okay, that didn’t make it right, but the comfort of them was otherworldly.

it was shortly after (<1 year) that i soon found my way into a weed dependency. perhaps for the same reason — i needed that stability and control. i was so miserable with everything around me that i needed one small thing to enjoy.

i have no doubt that my psychosis was a big part of it. the pills fed the psychosis, and the psychosis fed the need for pills, which fed the need for control. when i no longer had access to the pills, or they were kept away from me, i switched to something that i could find anywhere. the weed fed the psychosis, and the psychosis fed the need for weed, which fed the need for control.

a cycle that i never knew i would break, yet i managed to do it. still, there is a part of me that misses the gruesome comfort of those small white tablets, a feeling i never wish to feel this strongly ever again.