(i carry it in my heart)

katie. new york. probably too old to be here.

[frie-nds]

[shevangelical]

1-800-L♡V-EYOU

[ftwkkk666]

[taidal]

[3blush]

[carla-enjoys]

A Day of Summer by Betty Miles, illustrated by Remy Charlip, 1960 

[carryyourheart]

I got engaged this weekend!! I feel like I owe it to this tumblr to update it. This thing has been with me through some of the greatest heartbreaks of my life. It feels so surreal that this finally happened. Covid has any planning on hold for the foreseeable future but I am still just so happy.

Last night John and I were watching the office and they mentioned something about being a family. He said “we’re going to be a family now” and it made me feel like my insides were full of light and warmth. I can’t believe we’re going to be a family together and have babies. Babies with maybe his beautiful eyes, his intelligence, and my freckles and love of books. I wish I could tell my late teens, early 20s self how good this feels. How it all worked out just the way it should have. It was all worth it.

[schrodingersincest]

[laurens-german]

“What they have now they can never have back again. But for her the pain of loneliness will be nothing to the pain that she used to feel, of being unworthy. He brought her goodness like a gift and now it belongs to her. Meanwhile his life opens out before him in all directions at once. They’ve done a lot of good for each other. Really, she thinks, really. People can really change one another. You should go, she says. I’ll always be here. You know that.” — Sally Rooney

Normal People (2020—)

[fart21]

[viinnttaaggee]

[clem-style-deactivated20191229]

[carryyourheart]

Nine days ago, my sweet best friend Max went outside and never came back. He’s been an indoor outdoor mostly his entire life. He disappeared once for like 36 hours but never this long. I am utterly devastated. I have called vets and shelters. I have posted him on fb, next door, the ring app, and Craigslist. I have hung posters and put fliers in over fifty mailboxes. I have spent hours slowly walking the neighborhood listening for his little coo. Someone thinks they saw him Wednesday but we can’t be sure it was him. And it was so close to home. If that was him, how could he not be here now?

The enormity of this loss has stunned me. Humbled me. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly in a week. I feel lost without him. He has been my very best friend through the most tumultuous years of my life- he’s been there for graduating college, multiple layoffs, heartbreaks, and more. How many times did I cry into his fur as he purred into my shoulder? How many times did he give me a little kiss and give me the only bright spot in a day of darkness? He has left a crater sized hole in my life. I see him everywhere- his bedside table with his favorite cup. His favorite bench outside. His food dish. I feel sick.

I feel as though I have failed him. If I had just looked harder- made a better poster- done something different- he’d still be here now. My life has been completely flipped upside down in a week. I hate every other time I was ever sad because what the fuck did I know about anything. I thought I knew grief. I thought I understood its power. But this is just so much. I think the not knowing what happened to him just makes it worse. Is he suffering, dehydrated and scared, stuck under someone’s porch? Did he meet a violent end by a coyote or a car? Did he run from something and end up a little too far and is terrified at not knowing how to get home? The what ifs are killing me. I cannot bear it.

I told him I loved him every day. I loved him so purely and wholly I can’t imagine he didn’t know. and I know he loved me back. He has taught me unconditional love, uncomplicated joy, and patience. I would give up years of my life for him to come home to me. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I can’t. I won’t. I’ll look for you forever my sweet boy. Not even nine lives would be enough with you.

[yesterdaysprint]

Life Magazine, April 1910

[bulbasaur-propaganda]

[parasitoidism]

[klepthoemaniac]

[mindful-minds]